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| The heroism and dedication of our campus policemen were displayed this month when one officer was hospitalized with flambis glutealis, or butt sores. The nurse taking care of our fallen hero says butt sores are caused by "an unusually large amount of sitting. As the victim changes positions to stay comfortable over this period of time, abrasion between his pants and skin can occur, causing itching and flaking. This is an unusually bad case." The policeman, who preferred to remain anonymous due to the embarrassing nature of his ailment, said, "Unfortunately, my job requires that I sit nearly comatose by the senior parking lot for long lengths of time. I know it's hard, but someone has to do it." Added the policeman with a grimace, "If only I had gotten off my butt." This is the second time this policeman has been hospitalized in his career. The first was from whiplash suffered while amusedly watching a Volkswagon containing ten seniors, a Colombian citizen, and the Whore of Babylon drive by at 70 mph. "They were going really fast," wrote the cop in his report. In accordance with district policy, the policeman will be replaced with a mannequin until he is fully recovered. |
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| Campus policeman hospitalized with butt sores "If only I had gotten off my butt," says suffering constable |