Cast: Leroy
Donny Harris
Donny’s other character imitations: Ron, Bill, Sally, Sally’s Friends, Biff, Valerie, Valerie’s Husband
Donny: Hi, there, folks. This is the My Point of View Call in Show with Donny Harris. I’m your host…Donny Harris. We have another exiting show in store for you this evening, so be sure to have your phones ready. Remember, our number here is 555-8203. Tonight’s topic is Water. Now, as you all know, I take some very controversial stands, and this is no exception. My initial reaction to this whole “water” thing is that water is…good. I know that many of you out there would disagree with me, but I call them like I see them…and the way I see it, water is good. Extremely good. Well, at least very good. Water is very good. I hope I don’t offend anyone by that, but….no, actually, I don’t care if you’re offended. Water is very good. That’s my point of view. (pause) Maybe we’ll just get a reaction from that before we move on. (pause) Just waiting for the first call here. (pause – then finally phone rings. Donny answers immediately) Hello?
Leroy: Yes, I’d like to make an appointment for a root canal on Tuesday.
Donny: We don’t do root canals.
Leroy: What do you mean you don’t do root canals? Who am I speaking to?
Donny: This is Donny Harris.
Leroy: Well, Donny, let me speak with a dentist. I’d like a root canal.
Donny: We don’t do root canals. This is My Point of View.
Leroy: Well, I don’t want your point of view, just a root canal.
Donny: No, no. My Point of View, the call in show with Donny Harris. I’m sure you’ve heard of me.
Leroy: Who?
Donny: Donny Harris.
Leroy: You mean this isn’t Pearly White Dental Clinic?
Donny: No. (Leroy hangs up and exits) Well, how about another caller. Water is very good. That’s my point of view. What do you have to say about that? (pause as he looks at the phone) Just waiting for a call here. I’m sure they’ll be coming in any second. (pause. Finally, Donny fakes the sound of a phone ringing) Hello, Donny Harris here. Water is very good.
Ron: Yes, Donny. Ron here.
Donny: Hello Ron.
Ron: I’d have to agree with you, Donny. Water is very good.
Donny: Well, thank you, Ron. Goodbye. (waits for a second, then does another ring) Yes, Donny Harris here. Water is very good.
Bill: I’m not so sure, Donny. I mean, there’s some bad things about water, too.
Donny: Well, you have a point there. But I don’t think the statement “Water is very good” necessarily negates the possibility of bad properties. Do you agree that water could be very good, but still have bad properties?
Bill: Yeah, you’re right Donny. I just wanted to make sure that point was brought up.
Donny: Thank you, caller. (immediately makes a variety of phone noises – different pitches and durations, etc) The phones are really going now, folks. Water is very good. Hello, line 5.
Sally: Yes, Donny. This is Sally. I just wanted to say that me and my friends listen to your show every night, and we think it’s absolutely wonderful.
Donny: Why thank you Sally.
Sally: And you are absolutely right about water. It is very good.
Girls in Background: Yes, that’s right. Very good. (pause as Donny gets idea) We love you Donny!
Donny: Good to have your input, girls. Line 3, you’re on the air. Water is very good. That’s my point of view.
Biff: Yeah, I think you’re dead wrong. Water is not very good. It’s not very good at all.
Donny: Who’s calling?
Biff: This is Biff down at the gym.
Donny: Okay, Biff. Why do you think water is not very good at all?
Biff: Why? Well…just because it’s not.
Donny: Well, Biff, you’re entitled to your opinion, but you should really have some facts to back it up.
Biff: Yeah….well…I’m bigger than you.
Donny: I’m sorry, Biff. I’m not intimidated by your size.
Biff: Well, you oughta be, or I’ll come down there and…
Donny: Biff, you can’t just beat everyone into submission. Powerful dynasties have come and gone, but the thoughts of the great thinkers are eternal.
Biff: What do you mean by that?
Donny: I mean, Biff, that you have a right to think for yourself. To examine ideas logically. You don’t have to be the brainless ogre everyone says you are. (pause) Biff? Are you still there?
Biff: (crying) You’re right, Donny. I…I just want someone to be my friend.
Donny: There, there, Biff. Why don’t you come on over to my place for supper tonight and we can talk more about water when you’re calmed down.
Biff: Thank you, Donny. Thank you so much.
Donny: Bye Biff. Line 17, you’re on the air. Water is very good.
Valerie: Hi, Donny. I’m calling long distance from Louisiana, and my husband would be real sore if he found out. I just had to tell you that I think water is more than very good. I think water is inredibly good.
Donny: An interesting view, Louisiana. Why is that?
Valerie: Well, I just think that….wait…my husband is coming.
Husband: In background. Valerie, you ain’t on one a’ them radio talk shows again, are ya? I’m gettin’ sick and tired of havin’ five hundred dollar phone bills!
Valerie: I gotta go.
Husband: Hello? I don’t want you takin’ any more calls from ma’ wife!
Donny: Water is very good. That’s my point of view.
Husband: What in tarnation you talkin’ ‘bout?
Donny: This is Donny Harris, sir. Water is very good. Would you agree?
Husband: Well, uh…I don’t know about very good…maybe pretty good. Water is pretty good.
Donny: Interesting. Thank you for your call.
Husband: No problem.
Donny: Well, that’s our show for tonight, folks. Good. Very good. Incredibly good. Not very good at all. Pretty good. Whatever it is, it’s water. This is Donny Harris, and that’s my point of view.
