Pamela Priscol

 

Cast:

Pamela Priscol - the host of the show

Phil Snickle - the Parkdale representative

Marge Frackle - Phil's assistant - has an armful of folders, papers, etc.

Hannah Knight- the (non-stereotypical...really) ditzy cue card holder

 

 

(MC introduces the Pamela Priscol show and Hannah holds up an applause sign)

 

Pamela:  Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to the Pamela Priscol show.  I'm Pamela Priscol and this is our lovely cue card holder, Hannah Knight.

 

(Hannah holds up applause sign)

 

Pamela:  Well, as you all know, we have really established a tradition here on the Pamela Priscol show of bringing you objective, up to the date reporting and information on important current issues....

 

(Hannah interupts Pamela by holding up the Laughter sign.  Pamela glares at Hannah.  When laughter stops, Hannah speaks)

 

Hannah:  Oops....sorry.

 

Pamela:  As I was about to say, we have a very special show for you today.  While most of you out there are somewhat aquainted with Parkdale Church, I know many of you are not very familiar with many of its inner workings or statistical facts.  So, in order to fill you in on the building in which you've been (pauses and pats stomach) filling in this evening, we have asked a representative of the church to come and answer some questions about Parkdale for us, so let's have a warm round of applause for Phil Snickle.

 

(Hannah holds up applause sign as Phil and Marge enter.  Phil stops at Hannah)

 

Phil:  (hands her cue cards)  Hi, Hannah...would you mind holding these cue cards for me?  I'm sure they won't be necessary, but you know, you can never be too careful, eh?

 

Hannah:  Of course, Mr. Snickle.

 

(Phil and Marge take seats opposite Pamela)

 

Pamela:  Welcome to the Pamela Priscol show, Phil

 

Phil:  Thank you, Pam.  I'd like to introduce my assistant, Marge Frackle.

 

Pamela:  Pleased to meet you, Marge.  Well, Phil, why don't we get right to the questions.

 

Phil:  Sure thing, Pam....ummm....you ready there, Hannah?

 

(Hannah has let her mind wander as she plays with her hair and props the cue cards precariously on one arm.  At the mention of her name she jumps and drops all the cue cards.  We must devise a way for her to pick them up in the order we want)

 

Hannah:  Oh, terribly sorry Mr. Snickle.  (picks up the cards and returns to her place)

 

Pamela:  Okay, well, let's start with some basic information about the church.  For example, I'm sure everyone would be interested in knowing what the usual Sunday morning attendace is.

 

(Phil begins to answer question (ad lib) but is forced to stop because he can't remember.  He looks at Hannah as if to tell her to show the card.  Hannah hesitantly does so.  This procedure is repeated on each subsequent card)

 

Phil:  Seventy-thousand.

 

Pamela:  Seventy-thousand!?!

 

(Marge is shaking her head)

 

Phil:  Yes, that's right.

 

Pamela:  That's incredible!  Tell me, how do you maintain such a large congregation in a relatively small city such as Victoria?

 

(Phil again begins to try to answer question, but is eventually forced to "allow my assistant to take this one" or something to that effect.  This procedure, also, is repeated on each card)

 

Marge:  (looking a little startled...obviously trying to come up with something)  Me?  Umm...yes, well...you see, we work on being a very community minded organization and...uh...

 

Pamela:  But seventy-thousand people...that's incredible!

 

Marge:  Yes, well...it's our television ministry!  That figure, of course is including the people involved in our television and...and...radio....ummm. (looks to Phil)

 

Phil:  Internet?

 

Marge:  Yes, internet ministries.

 

Pamela:  Fascinating.  And what station do you broadcast on?

 

Marge:  Perhaps we should move on to the next question, Pam.

 

Pamela:  Oh...of course.  Well, a church of that size must really require some heavy duty finances to keep it going.  Approximately what annual budget do you operate under?

 

Phil:  (again forced to read card)  Ten dollars.

 

Pamela:  Ten dollars?  That's rather hard to believe.

 

Phil:  Believe it...ten dollars, and not a penny less.

 

Pamela:  Well, how do you manage operating a church of seventy-thousand on ten dollars a year?

 

Phil:  (same procedure as before...eventually hands over to assistant)

 

Marge:  Ummm...yes, ten dollars per...(looks at Phil) year.  Well, in a financially unforgiving world, the church must learn to trim it's budget to the essentials.  We hold services in the daytime so light is not necessary and our staff all tithe double in order to pay their own salaries.

 

Pamela:  (after laughter)  But how do you heat the building in winter?

 

Phil:  Oh, Pastor Jim supplies plenty of hot air.

 

Pamela:  Ahh...well, how about other necessities, such as parking.  With a church of that size, you must supply some accomodation for members vehicles.  How many parking spaces are available at the church?

 

Phil:  1.5.

 

Pamela:  1.5....forgive me, but how...and why...would you have half of a parking space?

 

Phil:  Well, Pam, that's an excellent question, and that's why my assistant here has an excellent answer.

 

Marge:  Umm....yes.  (flips through notes to buy herself some time, then speaks)  Well, in this day of conservation and environmental awareness, we felt it is the duty of the church to assist in the restoration of our natural surroundings.  For instance, we encourage members to carpool, walk, ride their bikes or...hang glide....to church.  Our extensive research indicated that the optimum number of environmentally friendly parking spaces for a church of our size was, indeed.....1.5.

 

Hannah:  But how do you...

 

Marge:  (interrupting)  Just enough room for, say, a Chevy Cavalier and....two mopeds.

Pamela:  Really...

 

Phil:  Statistics don't lie.

 

Pamela:  No...I suppose not.  Well, next question.  I'm sure that everyone in our studio audience would be interested in knowing how long the average Sunday morning service at Parkdale runs.

 

Phil:  Sixty.

 

Pamela:  Sixty!  Sixty what?

 

Phil:  (looking at Marge for help, none is forthcoming)  Sixty hours.

 

Pamela:  Oh, my.

 

Marge:  That's when Pastor Jim really gets rolling, of course.

 

Hannah:  No problem with the heating on those days, I'll bet.

 

Marge:  Yes, ummm...we recomend attenders bring snacks, coffee, bag lunches,

 

Phil:  Overnight camping gear.

 

Marge:  That's right.

 

Pamela:  (very suspicious by now)  Yes, well, then...we'll just go to our final question which returns to the finances of the church.  If you were to suggest a suitable percentage to tithe for a Parkdale adherent, what would it be?

 

Phil:  100%.

 

Pamela:  100%?!?

 

(wait for laughter then Hannah reveals second half of card)

 

Phil:  More on special occasions.

 

Pamela:  How can you expect your members to tithe 100%?

 

Phil:  Well, Pamela....I think I'll let my assistant answer that question as well.

 

Marge:  That may be difficult since your assistant just quit!  (storms off)

 

Phil:  How do you like that....she came very highly recomended, too...just goes to show you how hard it is to get reliable information these days.    (all exit)