Labrador Retriever

 

Nar:  Contrary to what most women believe, it is fairly easy to develop a long term, stable, intimate and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy.  Of course, this guy we’re talking about is actually a labrador retriever.  With human guys, it's extremely difficult.  This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term “relationship”.  For instance, let's say a guy named Roger...

 

(pause while Roger enters, waves and takes his seat)

 

Nar:  ...is attracted to a woman named Elaine...

 

(pause while Elaine enters, smiles and takes her seat.  Roger and Elaine smile shyly at each other)

 

Nar:  He asks her out to a movie...She accepts.  They have a pretty good time.  A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.  They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.  And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and without really thinking, she says it aloud.

 

Elaine:  Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?

 

Nar:  And then there is a silence in the car.  To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.  She thinks to herself:

 

Elaine's Thoughts:  I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.  Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship.  Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

 

Nar:  Meanwhile, Roger is thinking:

 

Roger's Thoughts:  Wow...six months.

 

Elaine's Thoughts:  But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either.  Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going?  Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?  Are we heading toward marriage?  Toward children?  Toward a lifetime together?  Am I ready for that level of commitment?  Do I really even know this person?

 

Roger's Thoughts:  ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa!  I am way overdue for an oil change here!

 

Elaine's Thoughts:  He's upset.  I can see it on his face.  Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong.  Maybe he wants more from our relationship.  More intimacy, more commitment.  Maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations.  Yes, I bet that's it.  That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.  He's afraid of being rejected.

 

Roger's Thoughts:  And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again.  I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.  And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.  What cold weather?  It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck.  I paid those incompetent thieves 600 bucks.

 

Elaine's Thoughts:  He's angry, and I don't blame him.  I'd be angry too.  I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel.  I'm just not sure.

 

Roger's Thoughts:  They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.  That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

 

Elaine's Thoughts:  Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me.  A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

 

Roger's Thoughts:  Warranty?  They want a warranty.  I'm gonna march right in there with their stupid warranty and...

 

Elaine:  Roger?

 

Roger:  (startled from his thougthts)  What?

 

Elaine:  Please don't torture yourself like this.  Maybe I should never have...oh, I just feel so...  (she breaks down sobbing)

 

Nar:  Roger is concerned.

 

Roger's Thoughts:  What is it?  (Elaine doesn't acknowledge him, obviously)  Oops, I mean...

 

Roger:  What is it?

 

Elaine:  I'm such a fool.  I mean, I know there's no knight.  I really know that.  It's silly.  There's no knight, and there's no horse.

 

Roger:  There's no horse?

 

Nar:  Roger is confused.

 

Elaine:  You think I'm a fool, don't you?

 

Roger:  No!

 

Nar:  Roger is glad to finally know the correct answer.

 

Elaine:  It's just that...it's just that I....I need some time.

 

Nar:  There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response.  Finally, he comes up with one that he thinks might work.

 

Roger:  (pausing)  Yes.

 

Nar:  Elaine is deeply moved.

 

Elaine:  Oh, Roger.  Do you really feel that way?

 

Roger:  What way?

 

Elaine:  That way about time.

 

Roger:  Oh....yes.

 

Nar:  Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next...especially if it involves a horse.  At last, she speaks.

 

Elaine:  Thank you, Roger.

 

Roger:  Thank you.

 

Nar:  Then he takes her home...

 

(Elaine gets out of car and leaves.  Roger waves obliviously)

 

Nar:  And she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.  Whereas Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Romanians he's never heard of.  A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he's pretty sure there is no way he would understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.  This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.  The next day, Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours in painstaking detail.  They will analyse everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering word, expression and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.  They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

(Norm enters with two raquetball raquets and gives one to Roger)  Meanwhile, Roger, while playing raquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown and say:

 

Roger:  Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?