Cast:
Hosts: Billy
Stacey
Imrprov Group: Doctor
Lawyer
Nun
Bartender/Stock Boy
Priest/Hans the Massage Therapist
Aerobics Instructor
Studio Audience: Alex
Melony
Tony
Andrew
Andrea
Donny
(Humour Hour is introduced by the announcer. Studio audience enters and sits)
.....the following is a live broadcast in front of a studio audience.....
Billy: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to tonight's installment of Humour Hour with Billy and Stacey. We're your hosts, Billy...
Stacey: and Stacey. Have you ever heard a great joke, and when you tried to tell it to your friends and loved ones, it fell falte on it's face?
Billy: Well, Stacey, it has been said that some people can tell a joke, and some just can't.
Stacey: Oh contrairy, I think all you need is a little instruction.
Billy: Right! So, we're going to spend tonight's show explaining the fine art of joke telling.
Stacey: As an added bonus for the studio audience this evening, we have asked a local improv group to illustrate our show.
Applause Sign
Billy: Of course, the lecture will be equally informative for the listening audience at home.
Stacey; So, are you ready to learn how to have them rolling in the aisles?
Applause Sign
Billy: Great! Now, to tell a good joke, it is absolutely critical that you start strong. The opening line is immensely important. For instance, Stacey will tell a brief joke. Listen to how the opening line sets the tone for the entire humourless episode.
Stacey: Humourous
Billy: What?
Stacey: Humourous episode, not humourless
Billy: Right. Just tell the joke.
Stacey: A doctor, a lawyer and a nun walk in to a bar one afternoon. (bartender, doctor, lawyer and nun enter) The bartender looks at the doctor and says...
(Alex raises his hand immediately after "nun" is said. Stacey stops talking when she notices the hand)
Billy: A question, sir?
Alex: Yes. What's a nun doing in a bar?
Stacey: Well, I suppose you just have to suspend reality for a while when you...
Alex: I don't think a nun would be in a bar.
Stacey: Well, where they are actually has nothing to do with the joke. It's irrelevent.
Melony: Then why did you say it?
Stacey: What?
Melony: If it doesn't matter, why did you say it?
Stacey: Really! It's not important at all. Just go with it.
Alex: Well, I find it very hard to believe that a nun would be in a bar.
Billy: You know, Stacey, now that they mention it it does seem a little distracting.
Stacey: Not you too! Listen, it doesn't matter where they are. That's not the joke. (waits for a response and gets none) Okay, fine. (to studio audience) How about a church? Would you be happy with the nun in a church?
Alex: That would be much better, yes thank you.
Stacey: Fine. (As Stacey talks Priest enters, Bartender exits and Nun flips "Bar" sign to other side, which says "Church") A doctor, a lawyer and a nun walk in to a church one afternoon. The priest looks at the doctor and says.... (Tony has his hand up)
Billy: Another question?
Tony: What's a lawyer doing in a church?
Stacey: For the last time, it's irrelevent to the joke where they are.
Billy: You know, I can see what he's getting at, Stacey.
Stacey: Oh, good grief. Fine. Why don't you all decide where a suitable location would be for a doctor, lawyer and nun to be together.
Andrew: That's another thing. Don't you think that's sort of an odd collection of people to be hanging out together?
Billy; Yeah...I hadn't thought of that. Don't doctors and lawyers not get along? (Doctor and Lawyer glare at each other)
Stacey: They're brothers. (Doctor and Lawyer stop glaring...?)
Tony: Which one is older?
Stacey: They're twins. (Doctor and Lawyer make identical smile)
Andrea: Identical or Fraternal?
Stacey: Siamese. (Doctor and Lawyer connect heads)
Donny: And what about the nun.
Stacey: She's their mother. (Nun looks very upset and clears her throat loudly) Alright, alright, their cousin. (Nun smiles) Now, where do you want the doctor, lawyer and nun, who happen to be two siamese twins and their cousin, to be?
(Studio audience discusses this briefly, with all of the suggesting places and disagreeing with each other at once. Then, all stop and Alex speaks)
Alex: In a health spa.
Stacey: A health spa?!? (studio audience all nod heads. Priest leaves, aerobics instructor enters. Nun changes sign to "Health Spa") Okay. One afternoon two siamese twins, a doctor and a lawyer, go in to a health spa with their cousin, who's a nun. The aerobics instructor looks at the doctor and says....
Melony: Don't they have jobs?
Stacey: What?
Melony: Why are they at a health spa in the afternoon? Don't they have jobs?
Billy: That's a good question, Stacey.
Stacey: Okay, it's the evening then.
Donny: What about their familes?
Stacey: Over lunch break?
Andrea: Wouldn't they get hungry?
Stacey: (sighs) One Saturday morning before sunrise, while their familes are all still in bed, a doctor and a lawyer, who are siamese twins, meet their cousin, a nun - after having a healthy, filling breakfast - at a local health spa. (Andrew's hand goes up) Correction, a local 24 hour health spa. (Andrew puts his hand down) The aerobics instructor looks at the doctor and says, "What can I get you?" And the doctor says, "I'll have.... (Stacey is trying to think on the spot) ....some...vitamins" (Andrew has his hand up) Yes?
Andrew: What kind of vitamins?
Stacey: Vitamin E.
Tony: Why is he getting vitamins?
Stacey: He's low in iron.
Billy: Stacey, I don't think that vitamin E helps if you're low in iron.
Stacey: I don't care. The aerobics instructor gives him Vitamin E for his iron deficiency.
Alex: Do aerobics intructors sell vitamins?
Stacey: The aerobics instructor calls for a stock boy to bring him vitamin E for his iron deficiency. (stock boy enters and gives vitamins to doctor)
Doctor: Say...didn't you used to be a bartender?
Bartender: I got laid off.
Stacey: And the aerobics intstructor looks at the lawyer and says, "What can I get for you?" and the Lawyer says, "I'd like......."
Melony: A massage? (studio audience all agree)
Stacey: "I'd like a massage." So, the aerobics instructor calls for the massage therapist....
Andrew: Where's he from?
Stacey: Who?
Andrew: The massage guy.
Stacey: I don't know. Sweden
Andrea: What's his name?
Stacey: Who cares? Okay, okay...it's Frank. Frank the massage therapist.
Donny: Frank's a dumb name for a massage therapist.
Alex: It's not Swedish, either.
Stacey: Okay, the aerobics instructor calls for Hans, the massage therapist.
(Hans enters - still has priest collar around neck)
Hans: (shrugs) Times are tough. (grabs lawyer by arm and pulls him out. Of course, the doctor is still attached at the head, so he gets dragged out too, complaining all the way)
Stacey: Finally, the aerobics instructor looks at the nun and says, "How about you, sister?"
Andrea: She's her sister?
Stacey: No, no....she's not her biological sister.
Andrea: Then why did she call her sister?
Stacey: It's a common way to refer to a nun.
Donny: I find that very confusing.
Billy: Me too.
Stacey: It doesn't really matter.
Alex: Well, if she's her sister, that means she's also a cousin of the doctor and lawyer.
Melony: Which would explain why they all went to that health spa together early in the morning.
Andrew: That makes things much clearer.
Stacey: Okay, the aerobics instructor, who is the nun's sister, also making her a cousin to the doctor and the lawyer, says to the nun, "How about you, sister?"
Tony: Don't you think she'd be more friendly to her sister?
Stacey: "How about you, dearest sister of mine?" To which the nun replies, "Well, I don't really want anything from your...health merchandise. Do you happen to have any fabric?"
Billy: I don't get it.
Stacey: That's not the end.
Billy: Oh.
Stacey: The aerobics instructor says, "Well, dearest sister of mine, we don't normally sell fabric, but I suppose we can do it just this once....as long as you don't make a habit out of it." (pause) That....that was the punchline.
Laughter Sign
Alex: What does that have to do with an iron deficiency?
Billy: As we said off the top, folks, tonight's lesson is: Some people can tell a joke, some just can't. Tune in tomorrow for the next episode of Humour Hour, with Billy and Stacey.
Applause Sign and (all exit)
Stacey: (as she exits with Billy) A habit, you know...a nun's habit...it was a pun.
(music starts)