Elementary Courting for Men
(Intro Music plays while actors set up stage. Once they are ready, music fades and they begin to speak)
Narrator:
Good evening, and welcome to the Lake Cowichan University College. As you know, this evening’s lecture is an introductory course in elementary courting for boys. Tonight we will look at the first date. Now, obviously, taking out a girl for the first time is a complex issue. Having arranged to pick up your date, the first crucial step is to not look a complete idiot when she opens the door.
(door opens showing Tim, looking like a complete idiot. Door closes)
Best to look as though your attention has been momentarily distracted
(door opens showing Tim, momentarily distracted. He notices the girl, gestures for her to wait a sec, then finally enters, still interested in whatever was distracting him.)
But when you do notice her, it is vital to say how pretty she is looking straightaway.
(Tim does this)
But, don’t overdo it.
(Tim’s eyes pop out and he gushes over her beauty, eventually falling to his knees in rapt infatuation)
If you are introduced to her parents at this point, attitude is all important. You can be too casual…
(Tim nods indifferently at the parents)
But you can also be too keen…
(Tim mouths the word “Mother!!!” and gives her a big hug. He turns and shakes father’s hand, then shadow boxes with him, receiving a blow on the chin which causes him to smile beguilingly and point at father with respect, as if to say, “nice shot”)
When you say goodbye to the parents, again don’t overdo it.
(Tim weeps uncontrollably as he says his goodbyes)
Lead her to your car…and remember to open her door.
(Tim has been leading the girl out the door and to the car. At the above line, he is already seated, and so he reaches across to shove open the girl’s door)
Once in the car, there are various ways of driving. If you drive like this….
(Tim drives like a madman, yelling at people and waving his fist)
You might lose her respect. But if you drive like this…
(Tim, cross-eyed and with hands at 10 and 2, takes a slow, methodical turn, practically falling asleep. He does a slow, careful shift, causing him to look away from the road and at the geer shift. When he looks back, he is forced to swerve suddenly back to the left to correct for his drift)
You should have taken a taxi. Before long you will arrive at the restaurant. Get out of the car…
(Tim tries to get out but is held in by his seatbelt. He undoes it, giving the girl a shrug, and gets out)
(Dinner Music starts playing during the next line)
…and escort her to your table. Then tuck her in to her seat…yourself….
(Tim pulls the chair, is distracted by someone walking by and realizes he let her fall on the ground. He helps her back on to her chair)
…and attract the waiter’s attention.
(Tim tries unsuccessfully to attract a waiter’s attention….several times. Finally, as he’s looking angrily after a waiter who just walked by, he turns and is startled by the waiter standing directly beside him on the other side)
Selecting from the wine list is important. Complete ignorance is not good.
(Tim closes his eyes, waves his hand around and randomly picks something off the menu)
When the bottle comes, there is much to be made of the tasting of the wine….but, don’t be too professional.
(Tim executes a perfect wine tasting…he sniffs the wine, listens to it (in each ear), swishes it in his mouth - rather aggressively - and finally spits it out on his date’s dress, causing him some alarm. He tries to wipe it off)
With eating, again, moderation is the order of the day. Don’t eat too fast…
(Tim gobbles his food, talking to his date with his mouth full. Continue once laughter starts to die down)
But don’t eat too slowly, either.
(Tim stabs a single bite with his fork, talks very suavely to his date at length, goes to eat his bite, but stops to continue his talking. This continues for several more seconds before the narrator continues)
Next is receiving the bill. This is very important. You must be sure not to lose your cool. This is right…
(Tim casually lifts the corner of the bill, checks the price, nods calmly and reaches for his credit card, smiling sanguinely at his date)
This, is wrong…
(Tim casually lifts the corner, contorts his face and mouths the word, “WHAT!?!?” to the waiter. He proceeds to check through the bill, looking at his date’s plate and comparing it to the items on the bill. He points at the food and the girl as if to say, “That’s yours, not mine, honey! No way!” gesturing to himself and shaking his head.)
The girl may, of course, offer to pay herself….
(Tim refuses)
In which case, you should, of course, refuse.
(allow a slight pause)
For a while….
(Tim accepts readily, giving her the check)
Next up is a fashionable dance club.
(Music fades and switches to dance club music)
(Tim leads girl in to dance club and begins trying - without success - to talk over music)
Once inside you might look slightly strange if you try to talk over the music. So stand casually and try to look hip. This is good….
(Tim stands leaning against the wall, moving his head to the music)
This is better…
(Tim does the same, but is leaning at a much steeper angle)
This, I think you‘ll agree, is beginning to be misguided…
(Tim does the same, but now is nearly horizontal)
After stance, dance technique is most important. Now, most people don’t know how to dance, so they do too much….
(Tim dances wildly, with limbs flying in every direction)
Other people do too little…
(Tim dances with his hands in a thumbs up position, his movement barely perceptible)
Some look like their pants are a little too tight…
(Tim dances, hands at side palm down, bouncing up and down like he’s on a pogo stick)
Others like they’re a little too loose…
(Tim dances like he’s doing a hoola-hoop inside his pants. Narrator looks at Tim)
I think I may be ill…When all’s said and done, it’s probably best not to dance at all. I find that the well mimed sports injury is always useful and a good excuse for leaving the dance club. As you drive her home, it’s important to set the atmosphere with the music. Now, we can’t help you with the choice of CD…
(Tim has been trying to choose what CD to play. He finally takes one, but puts it back due to the following line:)
Though, no matter what the occasion, “The Best of Barry Manilow” would be a
bad choice.
(Tim pretends to press play)
( Intro Music Starts again)
Above all, avoid the temptation to brag about your stereo system.
(Tim gestures to the speakers, the surround sound, his face showing immense satisfaction and pride in the audio experience. The CD skips. Tim pounds the dash board to start it again)
Now, for the most important moment of all…the good-night kiss. This will be the topic of next week’s lecture.
(Narrator acts as though he is finished. Tim looks extremely upset.)
Although as a rough guide, this is right….
(Tim yawns, puts his hand around the girl and smiles suavely)
And this, I think you’ll agree, is disastrous…
(Tim puckers up, smiles knowingly at the audience, then sneezes on the girl)