Cast:

Frank - Stan's partner

Stan - Frank's partner

Woody - a dummy

Willy - a dummy

Wesley - a dummy

Wally - a dummy

Doug - a dummy

(Dummies all file in and sit on ledge and slump facing floor. "Dummies for Sale" sign is posted above them)

Frank: (has a script prompt and is very obviously using it) Howdy folks. I'm Frank and this is my partner Stan and we're dummies!! (re-reads card) Er, I mean, we love dummies. In fact, we love 'em so much we founded our own company. "Frank 'n Stan's...." you got the sign, Stan.

Stan: Oh yeah. (gets "Frank 'n Stans" sign)

Frank: "Frank 'n Stan's Dummies Unlimited!!!"

Stan: Duh for short!

Frank: Yeah, Duh! And we sell dummies. Big dummies, little dummies, good dummies, bad dummies, dumb dummies, smart dummies.....hah!! Just kidding, folks. No smart dummies here! (mutters to self) Uh let's see....where am I....oh yeah! Folks, if you are a budding ventriskolist....venquilotrist....(reading slowly)...ven-tril-o-quist, (fast paced again) and you need a dummy, this is the place for you, because Frank 'n Stan specializes in dummies, dummies, dummies!

Stan: Dummies!

Frank: Dummies! Stan here is an expert velcritrolist, and he's going to give us a demonstration of the superior quality of Frank 'n Stan's dummies. Stan, you wanna introduce our dummies for the nice folks at home?

Stan: Love to Frank. Folks, this is Woody, Wally, Willy, Wesley and Doug, and these here are our five best, top of the line dummies. These here are the Cadilacs of dummmies. If dummies were airplanes these would be the concorde. If dummies were fruit, these here would be watermelons. If dummies were dogs, these would be....good dogs. The best dogs! If dummies were Pastors....well, these guys here would be....just a little taller than Dave Purdy.

Frank: Stan, just show the folks what the dummies can do.

Stan: Right, Frank. Now, that's the great thing about a dummy. They can't do anything unless you make 'em do it! And these dummies are top of the line. Why, if baseball bats were dummies these here would be Eastons. If women were dummies then.....well, why don't I just do the demonstration, Frank?

Frank: Great idea Stan.

Stan: (puts hand up behind Woody's coat as he talks) So, you just slide your hand back up here and....hey, who's pen is this? (pulls pen out and holds it up)

(Scientist storms on, snatches pen and storms off silently)

Stan: (looking bewildered) Where's my thermometer? Anyways, let's try out Woody here.

(Stan slides hand back behind Woody's coat. Woody's head jerks upright and he looks back and forth. Frank smiles at audience as if he's the perfect ventriloquist)

Woody: Whooooo boy it is cramped in that suitcase! My back is stiff as wood!

Frank: Ha, little fella! Your back is wood!

Woody: Way to ruin a joke by explaining the punchline, Frank.

Frank: No problem (turns to audience and says under his breath) Corkhead.

Stan: Whaddya say we try out Willy, here.

Woody: Nooooooo.... (stops yelling and immediately slumps as soon as Stan removes hand)

(Stan slides hand up behind Willy's coat)

Willy: (head jerks up and looks back and forth) Wowzers! I have a crick in my neck the size of Frank's nose!

(Frank glares at Stan, who looks back at him and makes his smile even bigger)

Frank: Maybe we should talk to Wally instead.

Willy: Oh, he's not feeling too well.

Frank: Why's that?

Willy: Bad case of termites.

(Stan removes hand from Willy, who slumps forward again, and goes to Wally, who sits up straight)

Wally: I can't feel my legs!!!!! I can't feel my legs!!!!! Ahhhh!!!!!!!

(Stan removes hand from Wally, who slumps forward again, and puts hand behind Wesley, who sits up straight and looks back and forth, spotting Doug)

Wes: Doug!!

Doug: Wes!!!

(Stan looks at Doug, a little astonished)

Frank: (looking at audience, not Stan) Look at that, folks! Stan can control two dummies at once!

(Stan raises right hand - left one is still behind Wesley - and looks back and forth between Doug and Wesley, finally looking at audience and shrugging)

Doug: Hey, who are all these people?

Woody: (sits up straight again) I don't know, but they can't be Frank's friends...he doesn't have any!!! (Woody, Wesley and Doug laugh)

(Frank turns to glare at Stan and then staggers a little as he realizes he had nothing to do with it.)

Wesley: Hey, Stan, let go of me. I got an itch.

(Stan lets go of Wesley and holds both hands obviously where everyone can see them. Welsey itches the top of his head and sighs in satisfaction. Stan and Frank just stare)

Willy: (sitting up straight) Hey, I hear Frank has to pay twice to go to the zoo....once to get in, and once to get out!! (all dummies sit up and laugh)

Frank: (to audience, a little shaken) Right, so come on down if you need a high quality dummy.

Woody: Because remember, Frank doesn't just own Dummies Unlimited, he's a client too!!!

(all dummies sit up and laugh with each other. Music starts as all exit)