One day at Balamb Garden, Selphie Tilmitt ran crying and sobbing out of the dormitory and into the cafeteria. She was wailing to beat hell when she saw the authorette and her friends bullshitting at a table and eating hot dogs.

"It was horrible!" she cried.

"What was horrible, Sefie?" Irvine Kinneas asked.

"He killed her!"

"Who killed whom?" Quistis Trepe asked.

"Sephiroth!"

"Sephiroth who?" Rinoa Heartilly asked.

"The dude with the big sword!"

"What kinda big schword?" Zell Dincht asked, his mouth stuffed with hot dogs.

"The no dachi or something!"

"..Whatever," Squall Leonhart concluded.

"It was awful!" Selphie sobbed on.

"Who'd he kill?" Seifer Almasy asked.

"Yeah! Who'd he kill, ya know?"

"AFFIRMATIVE. KILLED WHO?"

"A...Aer...he killed Aeris!"

Selphie's comically large tears dropped into big puddles on the floor a la "Disney's Alice in Wonderland" until everyone was washed away.

"Nice job, bitch!" Seifer yelled.

"RAGE!" Fujin then kicked Selphie.

Selphie yelped and grabbed onto her shin in pain. (Phoebz the authorette then knocked out Irvine for future reasons...) Selphie wiped her eyes. "It's not my fault! It's that Sephiroth's fault for killing Aeris! If I could jump into that game, I'd go hunt him down and kick his ass!"

Being that that was all she could take, Phoebz immediately yanked out Masamune and sliced Selphie's head off. No one bad-mouthed her beloved Sephiroth in her presence. No one.

Out of nowhere, all of Selphie's tears dried up, and Fujin and Raijin decided to pick teams for Selphie-Head Soccer.

"I get Zell, ya know."

"SEIFER."

"Rinoa, ya know."

"PHOEBZ."

"Quistis, ya know."

"RAGE! SQUALL, WANT NOT!"

"It's your pick, ya know! You hafta pick Squall, ya know!"

"RAGE...ANGELO." The dog ran to Team Fujin.

"...Whatever," Squall mumbled.

"Okay then, ya know. I'll take Squall, ya know."

"RAGE! LEFT, NO ONE!"

"Well, Fu, I told ya to pick Squall, ya know! Pick Irvine!"

"IRVINE, OUT! PHOEBZ DID!"

"Well, pick Tilmitt, ya know."

"TILMITT, DEAD! PHOEBZ DID! PLUS...TILMITT'S HEAD. SOCCER BALL."

"Oh yeah, ya know. Well, pick Nida, ya know."

"NIDA, WUSS. XU, PICK."

"Okay, now we're even, ya know! Let's play, ya know!"

"AFFIRMATIVE."

With Zell and Angelo in their respective nets as goaltenders, the teams prepared to face off.

"ANGELO, 'BALL.' KEEP OUT."

"Zell, like, pretend the 'ball' is a hot dog, ya know."

Seifer and Squall faced off with Nida as the referee, and the two teams were playing well. Unknown to them, the still-fresh corpse of Selphie was stirring. The more her head was kicked, the more she stirred. Finally, she jumped up and 2 heads grew from her neck. The Evil Tilmitt Monster had awakened.

"RAGE! TEAMS, SMALL!"

"Yeah, let's pick! My turn, ya know! I'll take Laguna!"

"EDEA."

"Damn...uh..I'll take Ward, ya know."

"WATTS."

"Uh...gathering infor-"

"RAGE!" *kick* "WUSS, PLAY."

"Yes sir...uh...ma'am."

"Uh...Kiros, ya know."

"ZONE."

"Ugh...my stom-"

*kick* "SHIN, AFFIRMATIVE?"

"Uh...okay..."

"Ultimecia, ya know."

"GRIEVER."

"Uh...Shiva from FFIX, ya know. She's hot."

"IFRIT."

"Odin, ya know."

"EDEN."

"No fair, ya know! Uh...Bahamut, from FFX, ya know!"

"RAGE! TIDUS!"

"No fair, Fuusama!"

"FAIR, AFFIRMATIVE."

Tidus started flapping his arms around like he was swimming. "Hey! Why can't I move?"

"BLITZBALL, NOT. SELPHIE SOCCER."

"If I could swim, I'd go over there and kick his ass!" Zell snarled, regarding Tidus (for giving blondes a bad name, no less).

"Dumbass," Quistis said and punched him, knocking him out on top of Irvine.

"Hey! I'm missing a player, ya know!" Raijin cried. "Um...I pick Selphie's undead, two-headed corpse, ya know!"

"WHAT?!?!?!" everyone except Zell and Irvine cried.

Phoebz again drew Masamune and sliced Selphie's two heads off. However, this time Selphie grew four heads.

SLICE!

Eight heads.

"Well, goddamn," Phoebz mumbled and sheathed Masamune.

Selphie's heads smirked and then from the ground emerged Aeris Gainsborough, undead and in gaudy pink.

"They're both undead! I'll finish this!" Quistis said and junctioned Alexander. "REVIVE!"

The pretty white lights from the GF's ability spell swirled around Aeris and Selphie, but instead of killing the two, the spell actually DID revive them.

"Not good..." Quistis grumbled. "Who's up for a Degenerator?"

"Go for it, Instructor!" Seifer cheered her on. "Need an Aura?"

Just then, Aeris held up the Parasol, which had a few rather bright pieces of red stone glowing very...brightly.

"Aeris has Summon Materia..." Rinoa whispered in fear.

Aeris grinned and cast Knights of the Round on everyone except Selphie.

Squall then immediately yanked Dagger and Eiko out of FFIX Land and made them cast healing spells on everyone.

Time was running out as the two annoying girls were wailing on 'em all.

"RAGE! HOLY!" Fujin cast Holy on the two. Being that Selphie is evil and all, she died, but Aeris just absorbed it.

Suddenly, Phoebz had a plan and wrote in some of the greatest FF swordslingers. Adelbert Steiner, General Beatrix, Gilgamesh, Cloud Strife (this Cloud is Anti-Aeris), Zack (also Anti-Aeris), Auron, then Tidus, Squall, and Seifer joined the group, and, best of all...Sephiroth.

"NO! Not him!" Aeris screeched.

Oh, yes, Aeris. Sephiroth.

Phoebz grinned and handed Masamune to The Great One as Aeris looked on in trepidation. Meanwhile, the others contemplated their own plan and then began to attack Aeris with some Climhazzard, Excalibur, Omnislash, Renzokuken, Sword Play, Fire Cross, and others.

"Cloud, I thought you loved me..." the now bloody, battered, and beaten Aeris sobbed.

"Fuck no, bitch!" Cloud spat. "Sephy-kun! Finish her off! ...Again!"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Cloud, don't call me that! I don't like you like that anymore!"

"Well who the hell am I s'posed ta love? Tifa??" Cloud inquired.

Everybody considered this and busted out laughing.

"Yeah, right, Cloud! Ever drop a toothpick into Cosmo Canyon?" Aeris joked in a pathetic attempt to get on everyone's good side.

Cloud looked at her with hate. "Now I KNOW that Tifa's bigger than Cosmo Canyon, but my weenie's bigger than a friggin' toothpick!"

Sephiroth then immediately jammed the blade of Masamune into Aeris' tender flesh. After coughing up a few pints of blood, the ever-annoying Aeris Gainsborough bought the farm for her second time in her Final Fantasy career. (Aeris: Dammit! Where the hell's my agent???) There was much rejoicing.

"Yay!" everyone cheered before they continued Selphie Soccer.

"I get Gilgamesh, ya know!"

"SEPHIROTH."

"Steiner."

"BEATRIX."

"Cloud, ya know."

Gah...those two never shut up.

~The End~