"Ah, Watts! Just the bitch we were looking for!" Seifer smirked evilly as Watts look up at him in trepidation. What the fuck had he just gotten himself into?

"W-what are you talking about, sir?" Watts stammered his eyes bulging widely and his bottom lip trembling.

"Oh, you know what we mean, sir," Seifer mocked. "What were you doing in the SeeD dorms with your ugly little nose snooping around?"

"I was, uh..."

"IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU WERE DOING!"

"What was with all of those papers?" Quistis interrupted and cast a seductive, evil look on the poor little Forest Owl. "You know, MY dorm is in the SeeD quarters, little man, and if those papers happened to come from MY dorm, you’re in serious trouble."

"Uh, I gotta go, sir! Uh...ma’am!" With that, little Watts tore ass down the hall in search of Zone.

"Goddamn him! He’s on ‘The List!’" Seifer yelled and banged on Squall’s door. "Yo, Leonhart! I know you’re in there and I KNOW that that stupid little Owl kid was in there too!"

Squall could be heard shuffling around papers and whatnot in his room before the door flew open and he stood panting at the entrance.

"What the hell do you want, Seifer?" he asked and tried to stare him down like some sort of John Wayne wannabe, but he wound up looking more like John Goodman in a buffet line (reverence, I tell ya!).

"Squall, I need to know what it was that Watts gave you," Quistis cut in. "It could’ve been something important...I know he was in the SeeD dorms stealing papers and I know he was just in here."

Squall feigned shock. "I don’t know what you’re talking about, Quistis," he said. "Watts was just wondering what all the good pr0n sites were on the Internet and I helped him print off some stuff, that’s all."

"Okay, Squall...but if you notice him acting weird, can you please tell me?" Quistis asked.

"Sure."

"Thanks."

"Later, Leonhart...don’t get your wrist bent too out of shape from all of that pr0n...wouldn’t want me to kick your ass in battle again," Seifer taunted and gestured to Squall’s scar.

Squall gestured right back to Seifer’s scar. "Whatever."

*

"Okay, 350 bags of powdered donuts...that’ll be 30,000 gil, please?"

"Ugh...I hate my life," Xu groaned and shelled out the cash. "I could seriously do better than this."

"Hey, Xu! I got the F, the C, and the K! All I need is U!"

Xu groaned louder when she heard Nida yell another cheesy line from the store entrance. "I wonder if Galbadia Garden has any openings?" she pondered as she and Nida gathered up the bags with a few Trepies. "Nah, then I’ll just wind up buying Cheese Danish for Martine."

"So, Xu, howsabout you and I take the Ragnarok out to Deling City tonight?" Nida asked as they loaded up the donuts.

Xu hastily shook her head. "Sorry, Nida, but, uh, I’ve got, uh, I’ve got a music lesson tonight!" she stuttered.

Nida slid his arm around her. "Well just head over to my dorm room tonight! I can teach you how to hit those high notes!"

Xu disgustedly pushed him away. "Hyne, Nida! Go hump a moomba if you’re that hard up!"

"Heh, ‘hard up’ eh?"

"Ugh!"

*

"I mean, I’m a nice guy, Irv! He’s a fucking asshole! And I’M the one who kicked HIS ass at Lunatic Pandora, right?! Don’t I DESERVE some SPARK of recognition and respect from him? I mean, I’M the goddamn SeeD around here! Seifer Almasy is just a CADET, right?!"

"Yeah, whatever you say, Zell."

"I know what I’m talking about, Irv! I get to break the silence in the library every night after curfew, not him! I have the damn hella cool fighting gloves! Who gives a shit about ‘Hyperion? (quotation mark finger thing)’ I rule! ZELL DINCHT rules! NOT Seifer Almasy! Right, Irv?" Zell continued to ramble on and on, holding a poor, defenseless hot dog above his head in a valiant pose. A few SeeDs and cadets happened to be passing by and they looked rather disturbed...and poor Irvine was the one who actually had to sit around and listen to all of that bullshit.

"You’re the shit, Zell," Irvine mumbled emotionlessly, a bit peeved that all of Zell’s rambling caused Selphie to flee to the Quad. Irvine hadn’t gotten a piece in two weeks and Zell trying to ruin his rep like this was just plain harsh.

"I say we beat him! WE find out what Watts was up to first! WE get to the bottom of this! Oh, yes! We WILL show Seifer Almasy just who the REAL SeeDs are around here, Irv!" Zell then scarfed down his hot dog and belched loudly, causing all of the spectators to run away in disgust and bruising Irvine’s ego even more.

"I’m not a SeeD...and what do you mean we?"

*

"Well, now to find Rinoa...since I know how much of an influence she has in Esthar being a sorceress and all."

Squall packed up a few pairs of leather pants and his SeeD uniform and ran off to find his leech...I mean girlfriend.

Rinoa was sitting around in the Secret Area in the Training Center, oblivious to Zone who was hiding out behind a rock. Zone was certain that at anytime he should make his move. He knew he hadn’t been laid in ages and that the princess was looking damn fine these days. Yet, alas! Just as the Owl was about to take flight, that wretched Squall just HAD to arrive and grab Rinoa by the arm.

"Let’s go to Esthar."

"Esthar? But why?" Rinoa asked and looked at the Lion Boy in surprise. Squall never took her anywhere...and now he wanted to go to ESTHAR??

"I have to see Dr. Odine," Squall replied and looked past the terrace and over towards where the Ragnarok was parked. "Plus, I know you want to get out of here...I mean, we never go anywhere."

Rinoa nodded and smiled. "Okay, Squally! I’m all yours!" she bubbled and wrapped her arms around him.

As the two ran off down the hall, Zone immediately felt like the fat kid who was always picked last in PE kickball. Oh well. Since he’d met Irvine, Zone had obtained more confidence in the ways of girls and had learned a few new pick-up lines. Maybe that Xu girl would go out with him?

*

About 15 minutes later in Esthar’s Presidential Palace...

"Laguna, the Ragnarok has just landed at the Air Station!" Kiros reported.

"How do you know?" Laguna asked.

"Ward told me."

"Ward?"

"...." Ward replied as he entered the room.

"Alrighty! I don’t doubt you, my friend!" Laguna said and patted the big guy on the back. "It must be my son Squall! Oh, how I’ve missed him!"

"....?" Ward asked and shrugged.

"No, I don’t think he knows that he’s my son yet," Laguna replied.

Ward nodded and returned to his post. "...."

"Okay, I’ll meet you there," Laguna responded, winked, and turned towards Kiros. "Kiros, head out to the Air Station! Tell Squall to head on over!"

Kiros shuddered. "Man, that is WHACK!"

*

Squall, however, had different plans. He and Rinoa decided to head over to the Shopping District instead.

"Ooooh, Squally! I just LOVE this dress! Buy it for me, pleeeeease???"

"Whatever," Squall replied and reached for his wallet...only to find it empty. "Dammit! I knew I shouldn’t have given Watts that few grand!" he cried.

His cries were soon drowned out by the sound of a little tinkle bell and 29,000 gil appeared in his wallet. "Alright! Payday!" he exclaimed and headed for the shop. "Shit! There’s only 29,000 gil! My SeeD rank went down again!"

Rinoa sweat dropped. "Oi...guess I’ll hafta buy that dress myself!"

*

"Ha! Squall and Rinoa were seen leaving with the Ragnarok towards Esthar!" Zell exclaimed, grabbed Irvine by the coat, and dragged him to the parking lot. "Let’s head to Esthar!"

"Uh...Zell? We can’t exactly DRIVE to Esthar..." Irvine pointed out and lowered his hat.

"Sh! We’ve gotta stay quiet, Quistis, so no one notices us!"

"How are we gonna get to Esthar with a CAR, Seifer?"

Seifer and Quistis hopped into the same car as Irvine and Zell.

"Hey! GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE! This is OUR car!" Zell screeched.

"What you two do with your free time is none of our business," Quistis said and backed towards the door.

"I always suspected something yaoi about you two!" Seifer said pointing Hyperion at Zell and Irvine. "By the way, it really smells like ass in here! Fuck, Zell! Close your mouth!"

"Well get your sword the fuck outta my face and then I will!"

"Insert Freudian metaphor and comic timing here," Seifer said and Zell turned brighter crimson than Raijin’s bruised shins.

"Heh... ‘Insert,’" Irvine mumbled more to himself than as a joke.

"Definitely gay," Seifer commented.

"Hell no! I’m all for the pussy, baby!" Irvine cried. "I just haven’t been laid in a while!"

"Yep. Definitely gay," Seifer repeated. "He just said he’s all for the Zell."

"ANYWAY, back to the matter at hand, just what the fuck are you two doing in a car all by yourselves?" Quistis asked. "And for the record, it really DOES smell like ass in here...who let one??"

"Zell."

"RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!" Zell squawked and bashed Seifer over the head with a dildo.

"Where the fuck did that come from?" Seifer cried.

"Irvine’s ass," Zell replied.

"CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS HERE?!!" Quistis screamed and flailed her arms about maniacally.

"Focus on this!" Irvine yelled, grabbed himself, and exited the car.

"Wait, baby, don’t be that way! Come back!" Zell cried and exited the car after Irvine.

"Definitely gay."

*