A/N: This has a bit of Squall/Rinoa-bashing, though not much (I actually care for the characters in some way). It also contains Queifer, Selvine, Raifuu, Squell (just implications!), Xuda (Xu x Nida), an implication of a Trepie orgy, and some sexual innuendo about hot dogs. Not a lemon, but read at your own risk. Also, I mention a lot of overlooked NPC.

“Good Hyne, are you serious??” Squall screeched when Trepie #1 spoke of the Great Quistis’ ability to perform a flawless Shockwave Pulsar. “How come she never told me??”

“I don’t know why you wouldn’t know, Squall,” the Trepie replied, “she constantly used it in battle! I mean, she learned it BEFORE the battle with Ultimecia, didn’t she?”

Squall realized he must’ve been busy bitching around about being referred to in the past tense or some other bullshit, so he shrugged it off and returned to his dorm room. He now had a new mission in life. Not searching for Griever, not spending countless hours every lonely night of his life etching a lion into his gunblade, hell, not even coaxing Zell to make him a ring with Griever etched into it. Squall Leonhart’s new mission was to learn the infamous Shockwave Pulsar.

He sighed, a deep, heavy, admiring sigh as he dug underneath his mattress to pull out a teeny-bopper magazine with its title being “Dreamy Hunk Studs, vol. 1.” There was his beloved Griever on the cover…posing in his looming, dreamy, studly “Shockwave Pulsar” stance and getting ready to blast the photographer into oblivion. “EXCLUSIVE! One-on-one Interview with Time Kompression Kitty!” the magazine read in large, bold print. (Don’t ask me how a magazine like this was ever devised…my guess is that it was intended for smarter GF’s, Eidolons, and Espers, such as Shiva, Starlet, Seraphim, or Siren, who actually knew how to read, and not stoic little SeeDs from Balamb.)

Squall flipped to the page of the interview and was about to roll over on his bed, read it out loud, and drool, when he heard footsteps stop at his door. He quickly tossed the magazine under his bed and sat inconspicuously reading a copy of Weapons Monthly.

Rinoa then entered the room. “Squally Wally! What is my widdle Sugar Muffin up to?”

Squall smiled and looked up as if he was actually READING the magazine. “Oh, I’m not up to much,” he said, feeling his cheeks flush slightly.

Rinoa slumped down in Squall’s pink inflatable chair. “I was talking about Seifer…is it just me, or does he seem up to no good lately?”

Squall sweat-dropped but struggled to regain his composure. “That bastard’s always up to no good…probably trying to get in Quistis’ pants again, like always.”

Rinoa rolled her eyes. “Yeah, well he wouldn’t have to try too hard…dirty whore…I mean, uh…what were we talking about?”

Squall felt steam come from his ears. Quistis was his former instructor, friend, connection to Griever’s power, and the main focus of his mental attention when boinking Rinoa (besides Zell of course). “You know, Rinoa, I don’t take well to you talking about my good friend that way,” he said in a pathetically attempted warning tone.

Rinoa rolled her eyes again and stuck her tongue out at Squall. “You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were hot for your beloved Instructor Trepe!” she accused and kicked a small shelf nearby, nearly knocking over Squall’s prized Martha Stewart recipe books and home interior knickknacks.

“Nah-uh! I’m hot for Ze-!” The Lion Boy barely caught himself and finished, with a stupid rendition of a Dr. Odine accent, “ze most beautiful girl in all uf ze world, meh vun und onlay, Rinoa Heartilly, uf courz!”

“That was poor, ya know?”

“SQUALL, DUMBASS.”

“Goddammit,” Squall mumbled, realizing that Rinoa left the door ajar and Raijin and Fujin just happened to be walking by.

“Leonhart, even YOU should’ve been able to come up with something better than that, ya know?”

“AFFIRMATIVE. RAIJIN, CORRECT. FOR ONCE.”

“Grrr…now I’m in a bad mood! Squally, if you want, you can meet me in the Secret Place later,” Rinoa grumbled and left the room.

Squall flipped Fujin and Raijin the bird as he closed the door, receiving a muffled “RAGE!” and kick to the wall or something. He then picked up his phone and dialed a number. After about 3 rings, the other line picked up. “Hello, Watts, it’s Squall. I need you to do something for me.” Ah. It was so freaking nice that the Forest Owls decided to accompany their princess to Garden.

*

“You’ve been in there a half hour, sir! And I gotta pee!”

“Hold your Chocobos! I’ll be out in a minute!”

Zone quickly wrapped up his latest copy of “Girl Next Door,” finished his business, and flushed. As he exited, he smirked and said, “I recommend you don’t go in there for a while.”

Watts covered his nose with his free hand (the other was holding himself as he jumped up and down in a strange urination ritual dance). “I guess your stomach must’ve REALLY hurt, huh, sir?”

Zone smacked his companion in the back of the head with his rolled up magazine. “Watch it, Watts, or I’ll sick Angelo on you!” he warned. After all, the “princess” of the Forest Owls was the object of his affection, and the poor bastard was certain that it was a mutual feeling. Zone pointed at his magazine. “I gotta return this to Irvine, I’ll catch you later.”

Watts pretended to enter the bathroom, but as soon as Zone was gone, he rushed off towards Quistis’ dorm. He had it all planned out: he’d go into the bathroom, crawl through the ventilation shaft, arrive at the room, and get whatever information Squall had enlisted him to get. But this was much easier, seeing that nosy Zone wouldn’t be there outside of the john. Now he could just rush on down to the dormitory and use his precious lock pick. As you know, gathering information is his specialty, sir. But what could Squall want with Quistis’ Blue Magic information sheets? (If you don’t know why, then I suggest you pack up your PS and leave now.)

*

“Ah, the exquisite sweetness…the intricately simple design…the yummy goodness…” Cid preached the word as he dug into his third bag of powdered donuts. “Anf Shoe coul’ juz get meeshome mo’, dad’d be coo’,” he continued with his mouth full of fluffy, powdery, pastry. Poor Xu. Not only did she have to put up with Nida’s constant cheesy lines on the bridge (he’d become good friends with Irvine), but she was STILL Cid’s permanent messenger girl.

Cid paced as his polished off donut after donut when Edea walked in. Cid smiled. “Hewwo, mah dearish’d,” he greeted.

Edea scowled. “Cid, honestly, how many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?” she asked. “I mean the children didn’t even have to be told, you know.”

Cid frowned, pouted, and crumpled up the now empty donut bag. He didn’t know why, but ever since Selphie’s last party in the Quad, he’d been hooked on powdered donuts. The donuts he gets from the grocery store in Balamb aren’t the same as the ones at that were served at the party, though. Those donuts had a leafy taste to them…as if they were made with oregano, basil, or parsley (heh). But, nonetheless, Headmaster Cid still loved his powdered donuts.

The Headmaster sat at his desk and paged Xu. “Xu, my dear, can you please take a quick run to the market in Balamb and pick me up a couple hundred of bags of powdered donuts?” he asked in his sweetest, old man voice.

“I’m on my way, Cid,” Xu sighed.

Cid smiled and turned to his wife. “Well, Edea, what brings you up into this dreary old office?” he asked.

Edea sighed and sat down. “It’s Squall, Cid,” she said. “I’m worried about him. I noticed a poster of that GF in his room with candles around it and a pentagram of red powder beneath it.”

“Powder??” Cid asked and his eyes widened. “As in powdered donuts??”

Edea rolled her eyes. “I guess I’ll just have to talk with Dr. Kadowaki about it then, since you’re obviously not listening to a word I’m saying,” she said and got up to leave.

“Uh huh!” Cid protested. “I heard you say ‘powder!’”

*

Quistis and Selphie exited the Training Center both drenched with sweat and gasping for breath. It really sucked to fight a T-Rexaur…even after you’ve taken a part in defeating Ultima Weapon, Omega Weapon, and Ultimecia. Especially when Fujin and Raijin drew away all of their Auras during a training session.

Selphie skipped and “La-Dee-Da’d” her way through the halls of Garden with Quistis mentally searching and searching her magic inventory for at least ONE Aura that Selphie could use to cast Full-Cure on them both. Selphie Tilmitt was always the hap-hap-happiest damn person ever to enter Balamb Garden and ever to become a SeeD. And even more so, she was the love interest of Garden’s resident pimp Irvine Kinneas.

Well, back to the matter at hand, the two decided to head to the cafeteria for something to drink. As they passed the Dormitory hall, they noticed Watts tearing ass out of the SeeD section of the dorms with some papers in his arms.

“Hm…I wonder what he has,” Quistis pondered, but shrugged it off.

If she only knew that someone was just going through her underwear drawer…I mean, her file drawer…just moments before that.

*

Meanwhile, Zell and Irvine sat at a table in the cafeteria. Zell’s tray was loaded with hot dogs and an extra large Pepsi, and Irvine’s was loaded with fries and a medium Sprite. They sat and ate and talked when suddenly, the conversation took a turn for the worst.

Irvine picked up a hot dog in one of his large hands (heh) and shook it a bit. “What would you do if yours was this small?” he asked the sexually frustrated boy.

Zell blushed and sweat dropped. If he really wanted to talk about the subject of sex, then he’d rather talk about boobies, not phalluses. At first, he thought his companion had been joking, but the look on Irvine’s face told Zell that he was, indeed, serious. “Uh…I, uh…I don’t really know, Irv,” he stammered. “What would you do?”

Irvine chuckled and waggled a finger at Zell. “Nah uh, dude, I asked you first!” he said with a smirk. “You tell me and I’ll tell you!”

“But, but…that’s a hella fucked-up question, Irv!” Zell cried. “How the hell am I supposed to answer that??”

Irvine shrugged. “I dunno…that’s why I asked.”

“Well, I’d probably…hell, I dunno…I’d probably kill myself.”

“Me too.”

“Alright then.”

“So like, what are we gonna talk about now?” Irvine asked as he popped his last, ketchup-covered fry into his mouth. “And don’t say boobies either, because you know I’ll never shut up.”

Zell nodded. “I’d say, ‘Go ahead! Talk about boobies!’ but Selphie and Quisty are headed this way,” he replied and loaded up another hot dog with some ketchup, mustard, and relish.

Irvine nodded, looked over towards the entrance, and patted his knee. “Hey, Sefie!” he called. “I saved ya a seat!” He smiled when he saw that the two girls were, indeed, headed for their table. He then frowned when Selphie chose to sit at an adjacent chair.

“I wonder what the hell’s up with Watts these days?” Quistis pondered and took a seat next to Selphie. “And why was he just running like hell out of the SeeD dormitory?”

Selphie nodded. “Yeah, I wish I knew too,” she replied. “What do you think, Irvy?”

Irvine smiled...uh...what’s the adverb I’m looking for...um...pimply...and replied, “maybe he’s in love with some SeeD and he’s boinking her on the sly and doesn’t want anyone to find out about it.”

“As usual, you completely miss the point, Kinneas.”

Everyone looked up as Seifer Almasy took a seat next to Quistis, his trench coat hanging over his arm and his exposed biceps glistened in the light with sweat from his training session a few minutes ago (*drool*).

Quistis smirked and shrugged. “Well, Seifer, what do you make of it?”

Seifer chuckled and threw an ice cube from Irvine’s Sprite at Zell. “Why don’t you ask Chicken Wuss/Chocobo Boy what he thinks?”

Zell glared at Seifer and tightened his Ehrgeiz gloves. “Kweh, kweh, you bastard,” he snarled. “At least my hair’s not sticking up like a moogle pompom.”

Seifer smoothed his hair down with one of his larger-than-Irvine’s hands (heh). “Well, kupo kupo to you, too,” he said, annoyed. “Now quit being a little shit and tell us your damn opinion.”

Zell shrugged. “Well, he’s always saying, ‘Gathering information is my specialty, sir,’ isn’t he?” he asked. “Maybe he’s gathering information for someone.”

Seifer jumped up. “Hey, I know! Maybe he’s gathering information for someone!” he exclaimed. “Come on, Quistis! Let’s go check it out!”

Zell slumped down as Seifer and Quistis went off. Just when he FINALLY got his own idea, that bastard Seifer had to go steal it from him. He already has the looks, the body, the fighting ability, the brain, the good woman, the sex appeal, the stamina, the libido, the big...oh, I’m sorry...anyway, the guy had everything and he just HAD to have the winning idea. Dear Hyne, it sucks to be a Zell.

*

Squall squealed in delight as Watts handed him Quistis’ blue magic papers.

“Here’s the info you wanted, sir.”

“Hm, let’s see...White Wind, Mighty Guard, Ray Bomb, Aqua Breath, Degenerator...ah-ha! Shockwave Pulsar! TeeheeHEE!”

Squall jumped up and down on his bed in excitement. “I’m gonna learn Griever’s move! I’m gonna learn Griever’s move! I’m gonna learn Griever’s move!” he chanted in a singsong voice. He tossed a few thousand gil at Watts. “There you go, Watts! Go buy yourself something nice!”

Watts smiled, his eyes lighting up with dollar signs. “Thank you, sir!” he exclaimed and ran out...only to run into Seifer Almasy and Quistis Trepe.

Whoa, mama! What has Watts gotten himself into now? What will happen to Squall if Quistis and Seifer discover his secret? Find out in the next installment of “For the Love of Griever!”

~To Be Continued~