Phobophilia: A Lesson in Fear
by Jon Forsythe
Scene:
Billy: You're such a poo poo head Jenny. Those are my crayons.
Jenny: No they aren't Billy. These are mine. Yours are in the aquarium where you put them last week, you dork.
Billy: Shut up you dweeb. [goes to one side of the class]
Timmy: Hey, it looks like it's about to rain. Take a look at those big thunder clouds over there.
Jonny: Where? Uh oh, you're right, it is going to rain. And those sure are big clouds.
Miss Phobos: Settle down class, and get back to your seats. Get your books, papers, and pencils out for today's math lesson. And don't forget to turn in yesterday's homework assignment.
Jonny: Miss Phobos?
Miss Phobos: Yes, Jonny?
Jonny: There's a thunderstorm on its way. Uh, did my parents tell you about my phobia?
Miss Phobos: Yes Jonny, they did. You can go to the library and listen to music during the storm and as soon as the thunderstorm passes by I will come and bring you back here.
Jonny: Thank you Miss Phobos. [leaves]
Timmy: Why does he get to leave and yet we have to sit here and do math problems?
Miss Phobos: Because Timmy, Jonny has astraphobia: the fear of thunder and lightning. Every time a thunderstorm comes he gets very nervous. You see, Jonny thinks that the lightning and thunder will somehow always attack him and that as a result he will become deaf. But don't worry, he is currently undergoing desensitization therapy so in a few months he won't be scared of them anymore and he'll be able to join us even in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Billy: [to friends] Man, he's so lucky he gets out of math lessons.
Mikey: Yeah, I wish I had a phobia so I could leave class.
Stacey: Thanks Mikey. You just gave me an idea. Miss Phobos?
Miss Phobos: Yes Stacey?
Stacey: Um, my parents forgot to tell you but I too have a phobia.
Miss Phobos: Really Stacey? What phobia do you have?
Stacey: Ummmm....fear of dust. Yeah, it's called a-math-o-phobia. I heard that dust carries things like dust mites and, well, they'll be carrying germs with them and just the thought of it makes me afraid.
Miss Phobos: Ok...go to the nurse's office and tell Nurse Bacters about your problem.
Stacey: Thank you Miss Phobos. [leaves]
Mikey: Ah, Miss Phobos? I need to be excused from class, too.
Miss Phobos: Why is that Mikey?
Mikey: Because I have a fear of white paper. I don't like how pure and clean it is. It constantly reminds me of how impure I am and how I can never attain the perfection I so desperately crave. I need to be a moral and pure person 'cause how can I go on if people know that I am less than perfect? They will talk about me behind my back and years from now I might one day snap and wipe out 30 innocent people with a weedwacker whose only crime was being on the same bus as me on their way to the happy chicken farm.
Miss Phobos: Really? Mikey, what is the name of this so-called phobia?
Mikey: The name? Ahhh, it's called....um...blanco...papayaphobia. Yeah, that's it, blancopapayaphobia. Oh my gosh, I see a blank piece of paper. I need to leave right away!
Miss Phobos: Ahhh, ok Mikey. (eyeing him suspiciously) You can go to the nurse's office.
Mikey: Thank you. [runs out making a nervous sound]
Jenny: I have a phobia too Miss Phobos.
Miss Phobos: Jenny you do not have a phobia, too.
Jenny: Yes I do. I have a fear of tests. Yeah, tests and...uh...pencils.
Miss Phobos: Be serious Jenny. A fear of tests and pencils?
Jenny: Yeah. I don't like taking tests because I....uh... get all stressed out. Yeah, that's it. And I fear I will bite on my pencil as a nervous habit and I could ingest the lead of the pencil and get lead poisoning. Yeah, and...um... as a result will go...um... completely crazy and embarrass myself in front of all my peers and they will taunt me for the rest of my life because of it!
Miss Phobos: That's horrible Jenny. You don't have to take the written tests anymore.
Jenny: Yes!
Miss Phobos: From now on you will be taking all of your tests orally.
Jenny: Darn it.... (friends laugh at her failed attempt.)
Billy: Miss Phobos! I have the fear of clothes and I need to get these constraining garments off my body immediately! (starting to take shirt off)
Miss Phobos: Billy! You will not strip in front of this class. Is that clear?
Billy: These clothes are suffocating me! I can't breathe! (taking socks and shoes off)
Jenny: Make him stop Miss Phobos, I have a fear of nudity. Especially ugly, naked boys.
Billy: Oh yeah? Well I have a fear of dumb little girls who have bed wetting problems.
Jenny: Hey! Mom told you not to tell anybody! (on the verge of tears)
Miss Phobos: Both of you stop this behavior right now. I will not stand for such behavior in my classroom.
Billy: You can't tell me what to do. You're not my mom. (class gasps)
Miss Phobos: That's it. To the principal's office right now!
Billy: Aww, don't make me go Miss Phobos. Principal Hades has a big mole on his cheek and I fear I will be hypnotically drawn to it and I also fear I might try to eat it. It's all because my dad has a mole on his neck and I fear him because I am suffering from an Oedipus complex in which I am in love with my mother. Thus, I hate him because I believe him to be competition for her love.
Miss Phobos: To the principal's office; NOW!
Billy: Ok, but if try to eat his mole then it's your fault. [leaves]
Scotty: Miss Phobos! I have scholasticophobia.
Miss Phobos: Scholasticophobia? Class, you all do not have phobias.
Scotty: It's fear of school. I just realized it. [standing up as he talks] I really, really, really don't like to come here.
Miss Phobos: Scotty, sit down. Class, this phobia thing has gotten out of control.
Scotty: [to his peers] No, really. It's because I fear learning. If I learn anything new then my brain might explode from obtaining too much information. It could happen today. My head would blow up and blood, skull bits, and brain matter would be splattered everywhere.
Jenny: Ewwww, Miss Phobos! Scotty is grossing me out. I think I have the fear of disgusting stories.
[enter Stacey and Mikey]
Stacey: Nurse Bacters sent us back because she figured out we were faking our fears.
Timmy: Oh! Oh! I have a fear of beautiful girls like Stacey.
Stacey: Awww, Timmy. You're so sweet.
Jenny: I have bookophobia, too.
[Jonny enters]
Mikey: I don't like clowns.
Timmy: Could I receive desensitization therapy by sitting next to Stacey?
Mikey: I have a tapeworm phobia.
Scotty: I fear fog.
Stacey: I also have the fear of the figure 8.
Jonny: Are you guys making fun of me?
Mikey: I fear answering that question, as it might incriminate me.
Jonny: You're right, it is funny, who would be afraid of thunderstorms besides pets and infants? I should have out grown this, but I haven't. The worse thing is I realize this and still can't control it. My heart starts to race, I sweat profusely, sometimes I faint. I've been teased about this so harshly before. So go ahead, laugh at me, you'll just prove you're just like the rest of society; small minded and unfeeling. Haven't you ever been afraid of something before? We all are afraid of something, mine is just 100 times the normal fear. Shame on all of you. Making fun of me is just making fun of yourselves. Where's your compassion, your humanity, your�
Scotty: Um...excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt but I have hippomonstroforensicphobia. It's the fear of never-ending speeches that make class last past 3:15.
[Bell Rings]
[Scene]
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