Born during the Summer of No TV, 1998

Cast: (in order of appearance)
1) Hugh
2) Barbara
3) Innocent Victim
4) Texas Chainsaw Massacre Killer (TCMK)
5) Interviewer
6) Ghost
7) Zombie
8) Jason
9) Mummy
10) Scream
11) Freddy
12) Guy
13 & 14) Friends (2)
15) Vampire
16) Werewolf
17) Blob [voice over]
18) Frankenstein
19) Female Servant
20) Witch
21) Other Witches (3)
22) Death
23) Child
24) Sound Man
25) Jimmy
26) Mother
27) Camera man [off camera voice]
28) Kid behind door [off stage voice]
29) Technician

Scene:
(A 20/20-type of introduction with two anchors behind desk.)
HUGH DOWNS: Respect...attention...love. You might associate these words with Valentine's Day, but I bet you didn't think that they also go with Halloween as well.
BARBARA WALTERS: That's right Hugh. It's easy to forget that everybody we meet has feelings just like ourselves. Especially when they're Halloween favorites. But even the bad have some good in them. As our own Bob Spencer shows, in a heart-felt documentary, even monsters have a heart. CUT to footage
(Title of piece is shown: "The Hearts Within: Halloween Interviews" on top of nature shots, woods, animals shots, etc. A chainsaw is heard starting up. INNOCENT VICTIM yells and runs away from TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE KILLER who is giving chase. Camera follows (pans) left and INTERVIEWER comes into view.)
INTERVIEWER: The leaves are changing colors, the days a little shorter, the temperature a little cooler, and the screams of horny teenagers being slaughtered by vicious killers fills the air. Ah, yes, Halloween is just around the corner. And as we approach this holiday, one can't help but notice that the number of monsters and horror movie villains around us keeps increasing. Our mothers and fathers warned us about them and told us to lock our doors and windows to prevent them from killing us. But what do we really know about them?
(Blood-curdling scream of INNOCENT VICTIM dying as sound of chainsaw cutting through meat and bone is heard offscreen. INTERVIEWER looks over to killing and then looks back at camera and continues speech as if nothing happened.)
Sure, we have seen how they behave in the countless scary movies made in Hollywood, but how accurate are they?
(TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE KILLER comes into view behind INTERVIEWER and is covered with blood. Starts waving at camera to get on TV.)
Hiding in the shadows, fowl smelling breath, huge fangs and sharp claws, monsters with no souls or room for compassion for their victims. These are the things we are told about, but how much of it is myth and how much of it is fact? I sat down with some of the great Halloween characters and talked to them one-on-one in rare interviews to get their thoughts and feelings.
(TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE KILLER holds up sign that says in blood "Hi Mom.")
Feelings which have been pushed aside by Hollywood. CUT to interviews
INTERVIEWER: How are you doing?
GHOST: I'm doing pretty good.
INTERVIEWER: Once again, thank you for doing this interview.
GHOST: Hey man, no problem, anytime. Sure beats haunting all day long.
INTERVIEWER: So, how long have you been haunting this house?
GHOST: Let me think. It will be two-hundred and...eleven years this November.
INTERVIEWER: Wow, that's a long time.
GHOST: You're telling me.
INTERVIEWER: What do you do to pass the time away?
GHOST: Oh, I watch TV, jog around the block for exercise, walk through walls, you know, the usual.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me, how have these past twenty years gone for you?
GHOST: Well, ever since Ghostbusters and Casper came out business has been horrible. People just aren't scared by the sight of me anymore. I've lost any scare factor I had before. Even chains are no use. I mean, Booooooo! Booooooo! C'mon. CUT to zombie
INTERVIEWER: How do you make a place for yourself in the world as a zombie?
ZOMBIE: Jobs are real scarce for my kind. I haven't been employed since Michael Jackson's �Thriller� video. And my arm fell off during the making of it. 'Great stuff, we'll use it for the video,' but did they really care? They just tossed me out like I was garbage. CUT to Jason
INTERVIEWER: You've been a Halloween favorite for years. What's the key to your longevity?
(Classic �Friday the 13th� horror music for tension begins (They sound like �ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha�); both JASON and INTERVIEWER look around for source of sound.)
Um...how did you like being a movie star? (Again, the horror sounds can be heard, both look for source of sound again.) CUT to mummy
INTERVIEWER: You've been criticized for a bad temper. Why is this?
MUMMY: I mean, c'mon, think about it from my point of view. How would you feel if your brains were scrapped out through your nose, all your internal organs were ripped out of your body and then you were wrapped in gauze that chaffs? And, as if that weren't enough, you were sealed into a tomb with NO air supply whatsoever for THOUSANDS of years? You expect me to remain calm about it? Somebody's got to pay; suffer like I had to suffer; some people MUST die and feel...(Catches himself getting angry, regains composure.) Of course you'd be angry and with great cause, too. CUT to scream
INTERVIEWER: You are the latest horror movie villain to come out and your appeal is very good with the kids. What is your formula for success?
SCREAM: (Silent shoulder shrug meaning "I don't know.") CUT to zombie
ZOMBIE: It's boredom really. I'm living literally in a box and I can hardly breathe. When I roam the streets it's only to look for love. I just want someone to love and someone to love me back. Is that too much to ask for? People get the wrong idea. I'm just looking for that special someone. God knows I've tried so hard. CUT to Freddy
INTERVIEWER: What have the movies done for you?
FREDDY: I've gotten a bad rap with the movies. People haven't gotten to see the 'real' me. I've got many levels to my personality. When you get to know me you find that I'm really a nice person. I've got feelings, ideas, thoughts on how to reduce the national debt, stuff like that. CUT to Texas chainsaw massacre killer
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE KILLER: Alaska's logging season only lasts so long and they�re ain�t much to do in my part of Texas. I have to do something with my off time. I mean, everybody's gotta have a hobby. CUT to zombie
ZOMBIE: (With bouquet of flowers in hand, walks to door of a house and knocks on door.) CUT to Freddy.
FREDDY: Since no more of my movies are going to be made, I've taken up singing as my next profession. Music has always been my first love and passion in life. CUT to Freddy singing "Danke Schoun" in a lounge.
(Freddy sings way off key) Danke schoun, darling danke schoun. I recall, Central Park in fall. How you tore your dress, what a mess, I confess. Danke Schoun...
GUY: (To the two FRIENDS with him.) Man, he sucks. CUT back to interview room.
FREDDY: I'm getting better at it every day and I even have an album in the works. CUT to vampire.
VAMPIRE: All our problems would be solved if the public would provide me with access to the local blood bank but no, government bureaucracy, red tape, and the city hall run-around deny me access to it and what do you expect me to do? Go after rats and little dogs for blood? I mean, even I have my limits. I've really got no choice in the matter, my hands are tied, and, thus, I must go after the blood of citizens...(Pause.) I'm sorry! CUT to Jason
INTERVIEWER: Since your death by drowning, have you since learned how to swim? (Horror movie sounds, both look around again.) CUT to werewolf
WEREWOLF: I hate Halloween. Fleas are at there worst that time of the year. You name it, I've tried it: flea baths, flea powder, those humiliating flea collars, none of them works. I've had fleas now for 15 years (He tries to hold back the tears.) and I can't take much more of it. Sometimes I wish someone would put a silver bullet in me. (Starts to cry.) Can we stop this -BEEP-ing interview? CUT to ghost
GHOST: (Ghost is off-screen and then suddenly appears to scare us.) Boo! (Turns to interviewer.) No? CUT to blob
BLOB: (It speaks in an alien language while subtitles in English appear on the screen.) I like walks in the park, romantic candlelight dinners, and early Renaissance paintings. What I want is someone who I can share my feelings with and appreciate what is inside of me.
INTERVIEWER: That's all good but the question was whether or not you felt misrepresented by Hollywood.
BLOB: You're not with Dating Services International?
INTERVIEWER: No.
BLOB: (Pause.) Oh. CUT to Frankenstein
FRANKENSTEIN: Uhhhhh. Errrrrr. Me have lotta testosterone. Ugggggggg. Aaaaann-kha. Dr. Franky no give me woooman. Eeeeeaaaaah. Not happy. CUT to werewolf
WEREWOLF: (Still sobbing, being consoled by INTERVIEWER.) CUT to vampire
VAMPIRE: But, besides the periodic town mobs and the blood issue I'm really quite comfortable. (Enter FEMALE SERVANT with Bloody Mary with celery stick in it for VAMPIRE.) Oh, thanks darling. CUT to witch
WITCH: (Behind the WITCH is a Shoddily-made door that is bending inward due to the children trying to escape locked behind it. There are three OTHER WITCHES sitting in chairs a little behind the main WITCH) Us witches have gotten a bad rap. We don't hate children. On the contrary, we love them. I personally think they are so adorable. The way they cry all night long in those high pitched voices of theirs while you're trying to get a decent night's sleep, the way they annoy you with dumb questions, how they ask you to buy them cheap, plastic toys with your hard earned money; it's really charming...really it is. (We shouldn't believe her... at all.) CUT to ghost
GHOST: Booooooo! You were scared that time, right? CUT to death
DEATH: (Standing on lawn of house while a party is going on inside; the song "Monster Mash" is playing.) I'm never invited to any parties. I call people but they never return my calls. They think I'm coming after them. I think they're still made at me for that whole Bubonic Plague thing. CUT to vampire
VAMPIRE: (Opening present at birthday party [same house DEATH is outside of], takes out a wooden stake.) Ha ha. Very funny guys. CUT to zombie
ZOMBIE: (Knocks on door again.) CUT to werewolf
INTERVIEWER: You sure you want to go on?
WEREWOLF: (Done crying; ready to resume interview.) Yes, I'm okay now. Let's do this.
INTERVIEWER: All right. We'll just talk about something different.
WEREWOLF: Thank you.
INTERVIEWER: (To CAMERA MAN.) Ready? (Turning to WEREWOLF; pause.) How has employment been for you?
WEREWOLF: (Pause; he�s trying not to cry, then starts sobbing again.) CUT to ghost
GHOST: (Goes up to very small CHILD who is walking along a sidewalk.) Booo!
CHILD: (Smiles.) Casper! (Hugs GHOST.) CUT to Jason
INTERVIEWER: The hockey goalie mask is your trademark. How did you come up with the idea to use it? (Horror movie sounds, both look around again. INTERVIEWER gets up and goes over to a closet door and opens it. Inside is SOUND MAN doing the horror movie sounds on a PA system JASON moves to enter closet.)
SOUND MAN: Heh, heh. It was just a joke...hey man...wait...put down that axe. (JASON closes door behind him; sounds of SOUND MAN getting killed is heard.) AHHHHHH! CUT to death
DEATH: What I truly resent is being paired up with taxes. I'm no way near to being in anyway close to the meanness of those IRS agents. I got audited once and by the end of it I was wishing I was mortal so that I could kill myself.
JIMMY: (Jimmy is 6yrs old. He tugs on DEATH�s robe.) Excuse me mister, but are you the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come? (Kicks DEATH in the shin and runs away laughing.)
DEATH: (Looks from kid to shins to camera.) CUT to a shot of a tombstone with church bells tolling.
MOTHER: (She is placing flowers at grave which reads: "Here Rests Our Darling Little Jimmy. 1991-1997") CUT to witch
WITCH: Pay no attention to the door behind me. CUT to scream
INTERVIEWER: So, you and Drew Berrymore were an item during the production?
SCREAM: (Nods yes.) CUT to werewolf
WEREWOLF: (Still sobbing, INTERVIEWER hands box of Kleenex to WEREWOLF.) CUT to zombie
ZOMBIE: (still waiting outside door of house, crickets are chirping.) CUT to mummy
INTERVIEWER: What religion do you currently practice, if any?
MUMMY: I'm polytheistic. CUT to vampire
VAMPIRE: Well, I'm definitely not a Catholic, I can tell you that. CUT to blob
BLOB: Buddhist. CUT to death
DEATH: All religions, I don't discriminate between any religion. CUT to witch
WITCH: I'm non-practicing but I used to be a Puritan.
KID: (From behind the door.) I'm hungry.
WITCH: Shut up you little bastards! CUT to ghost
GHOST: Well, all I know is that I do believe in an afterlife; a cruel one at that. (Pause.) Booooo! CUT to Texas chainsaw massacre killer
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE KILLER: (Finishing a beautiful ice sculpture.) CUT to Jason
INTERVIEWER: Do you believe your mother acted a little irrational towards the camp counselors?
JASON: (Stares for a few seconds and then attacks CAMERA MAN with axe.)
(Camera falls down on side.)
CAMERA MAN: What the-...help! BEEP. Get the BEEP off of me you BEEEP BEEP. Don't just stand there Bob, help me! Ahhhhh! (Blood splatters on camera lens.) For the love of GOD! (Camera goes to static then to rainbow pattern with high pitch tone.) CUT to credits and zombie
ZOMBIE: (While credits are rolling; Sitting down on steps outside of door of house.) CUT to ghost
GHOST: (TECHNICIAN is taking down lights. GHOST jumps into view.) Boooo!
TECHNICIAN: (Shakes his head as if saying "how pathetic.")
THE END

�1998, 2001 Jon Forsythe and Matt Byerly