Does it seem like the world is filled with time wasting morons? Everybody hate you because of your superior intellect? Does your profound commentary on everything go un-noticed by your peers? Maybe it’s time to read the Insta-Cynic How-To Guide. Let’s get cynical!

In order to become a successful cynic, one must establish clear opinions on everything. You might think this would require actual thinking, but you’re wrong. I find it doesn’t really matter what you think – just pick the opposite of what everybody else thinks. You can also save yourself from the tedium of research by simply making up facts. If anyone contradicts you, call them “naive” or “ignorant.” This brings us to the first rule of cynicism:

Cynic Rule #1: Everybody else is wrong.

Remember, this includes people who agree with you. Make sure your arguments aren’t coherent enough to allow any real debate. If it seems like you’re stuck, try switching sides and then denying your earlier position.

Cynic Rule #2: You are an expert on everything.

As long as you don’t have a problem with lying and taking quotes out of context this one is pretty easy.

Cynic Rule #3: The position being taken by the opposition is directly responsible for everything from terrorism to the time you fell off your bike in second grade.

The really fun part of being a cynic lies in blame shifting. With a dash of pseudo-intellectualism and a pinch of evidence, you can make it seem like Mother Theresa was responsible for World War II. This one can take a while to master, so be sure to practice at home in front of a mirror. If you just can’t seem to pull it off, resort to insulting the physical appearance of your opponent.

Cynic Rule #4: Always belittle your opponent.

Suggested insults:

1. You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about….. fatass.
2. Go read a book you f—king illiterate moron.
3. That would be true… if you weren’t so ugly. Christ, seriously, you should wear a mask or something.
4. No offense, but (insert horribly offensive comment here). Example: “No offence, but is that your face or did something die a horrible death while crawling into your shirt?”

Belittling your opponent is key in establishing your intellectual superiority. For this reason you should probably stick to easy targets like fat chicks. Nerds might seem like easy targets, but don’t be fooled by their soft, pudgy exterior! Many a cynic has been ruined by their uncanny sarcastic wit.

Overall, if you have relatively good hair and a can-do attitude, you won’t have much trouble becoming a cynic. The most important thing to remember is however inane your points, however half-assed your arguments, as long as you pick people stupider than you to pick on nobody will know. Stupid people aren’t hard to identify, look for people with “WWJD” bracelets or spike necklaces. Both Christians and Goths are fairly easy targets for the well-practiced cynic. Keep this in mind and maybe someday you can have a satisfying relationship with a pet iguana or something. Good luck!

 

Back