Don’t Drink the Soda

Title: Don’t Drink the Soda
Author: Mary
Email: [email protected]
Disclaimer: If I owned it I wouldn’t be writing fan fiction...Monty Python owns the Holy Grail dialogue
Distribution: Any list archive can have it...Anyone else just ask...
Classification: That 70’s Show - Jackie/Hyde
Rating: R
Spoilers: Everything up to, but not including The Ice Shack (mainly just because I needed Kelso’s van)
Summary: The gang + acid = ?
Dedication: To everyone on the Jackie-n-Hyde list who has given me such nice feedback
Author’s Notes: This is in response to Autumn’s challenge...I think I incorporated everything in one way or another...
You MUST incorporate at least 3 things into the fic:
1) Someone must say "Holy mother, I am a donut!"
2) A Monty Python sketch must be discussed, or acted out
3) Hyde does the Hokey-pokey
4) Kelso says something that is stupid beyond comprehension
5) Hyde or Jackie has a fantasy about the other.
6) Hyde jealousy
7) Red or Kitty doling out advice
8) The gang goes to the drive-inn together
9) The gang gets stranded together at the Photo Hut
10) Leo appears to offer sage like advice

The Photo Hut

It is raining outside and Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Eric and Donna are all crammed in the Photo Hut. Hyde and Eric are acting out a scene from Monty Python’s The Holy Grail.

Hyde (as The Black Knight): None shall pass.

Eric (as Arthur): What?

Hyde: None shall pass.

Eric: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.

Hyde: Then you shall die.

Eric: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!

Hyde: I move for no man.

Eric: So be it! (pretends to chop off Hyde’s left arm)

Eric: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

Hyde: 'Tis but a scratch.

Eric: A scratch? Your arm's off!

Hyde: No, it isn't.

Eric: Well, what's that then?

Hyde: I've had worse.

Eric: You liar!

Hyde: Come on you pansy! (pretends to chop off Hyde’s right arm)

Eric: Victory is mine! We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc- [hah]

Hyde: Come on then.

Eric: What?

Hyde: Have at you!

Eric: You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

Hyde: Oh, had enough, eh?

Eric: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.

Hyde: Yes I have.

Eric: Look!

Hyde: Just a flesh wound.

Jackie (yelling): Will you two PLEASE shut up!

Hyde (looking at Jackie in surprise): What is your problem?

Jackie (in a clearly annoyed tone): Isn’t it bad enough that I am stuck in this little box on a Friday night without having to listen to every Monty Python skit you know?

Hyde: That wasn’t a skit. That was from...

Jackie (interrupting): Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I know.

Hyde: Then why did you say...

Jackie (interrupting again): Is it really that important?

Donna: Relax guys. Kelso will be back soon.

Fez: No he won’t. I heard Laurie offer him sex. We could be stuck here till morning.

Donna (fuming): He said he was just going to take her home and come back.

Hyde: But this is Kelso. Given the choice between sex and us which do you think he is going to choose?

Jackie (bitterly): I think that just means he’s a guy.

Eric (offended): Hey! I wouldn’t...

Jackie (interrupting): Oh please, Eric. If Donna gave you a choice between hanging out with the guys or having sex with her which would you choose?

Eric doesn’t answer.

Hyde: Who’s idea was it to let Kelso drive anyways?

Eric: Somehow we were convinced that it would be more comfortable in the van at the drive in.

Jackie (looking at the guys): If any of you were gentlemen you would walk back to Eric’s and get the car.

Hyde: Why don’t you do it?

Jackie: Hello? I’m a girl.

Hyde: Yes you are, but I am a firm believer in woman’s lib. I wouldn't want to oppress you or Donna.

Jackie: If it gets me out of here oppress me all you want.

Hyde (raising an eyebrow): If you want to go in the back room I’ll oppress you for the rest of the night.

Donna: That’s enough you two. It isn’t helping.

Fez: Besides, I should get to oppress Jackie first.

Donna: NO ONE is oppressing anyone!

Jackie: Is there anything to drink around here?

Fez: Yes. A drink would be nice.

Hyde: There might be something in the back. I’ll check.

Hyde goes into the back and comes back with a bottle of something.

Eric: What is it?

Hyde takes the cap off and smells it.

Hyde: Some kind of cola.

Donna: Sounds good to me. Where’s the rest?

Hyde (looking at the bottle in his hand): This is it. You see, if I had been expecting company I would have run out and gotten a large assortments of drinks and maybe a cheese platter, but...

Eric: Just drink some and pass it around.

Hyde isn’t very thirsty so he just hands it to Eric and the bottle is passed around with everyone else taking a large drink. By the time the bottle gets back to Hyde it is empty.

Hyde (sarcastically): Gee thanks for saving some of it for me, guys.

Jackie (looking around her): I feel kind of funny.

Eric (seemingly fascinated with his hand): My hands glowing. Can anyone else see my hand glowing?

Donna: Who’s soda was this?

Fez: It has made me tingly.

Hyde: What the hell is wrong with you guys?

Jackie (giggling): I’m all tingly too.

Fez moves next to Jackie.

Fez: Let us be tingly together.

Eric (still staring at his hand): It’s like it’s in slow motion.

Donna (staring into space): Everything is so colorful.

Hyde looks at the scene around him and back at the soda bottle. He swears under his breath and moves to the phone.

Hyde (into the phone): Leo? ... This is Hyde...Yeah, but Kelso ditched us here and with the storm...I need to ask you something...That bottle of soda...Acid? ... Shit...How much? ... They all drank it...

Hyde looks over at his friends again. Eric is still fascinated with his hand and Donna has her eyes closed and is smiling. As his eyes drift over to where Jackie and Fez are he almost growls when he sees them cuddled up on the floor. They are both still giggling.

Hyde: I got to go, Leo...I promise...Yes, next time I’ll ask before taking something that isn’t mine...Bye...

By the time Hyde hangs up and looks back at Fez and Jackie one of Fez’s hands has drifted to Jackie's upper thigh.

Hyde: What the hell are you doing, Fez?

Fez: Jackie and I wish to be tingly together. Please go away.

Hyde (moving to them and pulling Jackie up): Get your hands off of her.

Fez (pouting): But she wants to. Right Jackie?

Jackie: Yes. Make me all tingly, Steven.

Fez: But I am Fez, your love God.

Jackie (giggling again): No, Steven makes me all tingly. Only Steven makes me tingly.

Fez: Then maybe I am Steven.

Jackie then tries to move out of Hyde’s arms and back to the floor with Fez.

Hyde: You are not Steven! I am Steven!

Jackie: Ooh. Two Stevens!

Hyde (dragging Jackie to the back): There is only one Steven and I am he!

Fez (pouting): But with out Jackie what should Fez do?

Hyde (exasperated): Why don’t you watch Eric’s hands. They seem to fascinate him.

Fez is quickly distracted.

Hyde takes Jackie to the back and sits her down.

Hyde (sternly): Stay!

Jackie (trying to pout while she is still giggling): Don't you want to make me tingly?

Hyde: Jackie...

Jackie (tearing up): Was I that bad?

Hyde: What?

Jackie: When we... You and me. You know! You were there! We weren’t doing the hokey pokey, you know! (giggles even more) You would be cute doing the hokey pokey. Will you do it for me sometime?

Hyde (muttering to himself): Great. Acid apparently hinders her grasp on fantasy and reality.

Hyde’s eyes widen, though, when what she is saying really sinks in. He then also realizes that at least while she is still feeling the effects of the drugs he should humor her. He’s heard stories about bad trips.

Hyde (sitting beside Jackie and taking her in his arms): No babe. It was great. You were great. I’m sorry. You know how cranky I can get.

Jackie (brightening instantly): It’s okay, Steven. Can we tingle now?

Jackie tries to start to unbutton Hyde’s short. He quickly grabs her hands and stops her.

Hyde: We, um, can’t right now. Everyone's here.

Jackie (giggling again): But that didn’t stop us that day in the basement. I can be quiet just like then!

Hyde blushes at the images that are flooding his mind. Jackie apparently spent a lot of time fantasizing about him. Maybe as much as he did about her. And if he was an unscrupulous person he might consider taking advantage of her current state, but he wasn’t so he couldn't.

Hyde: Well, um, maybe we should wait until the drugs wear off and take it from there.

Jackie: Drugs? I haven’t taken any drugs.

Hyde (sighing): Actually you all did. Apparently that soda you drank was laced with acid.

Jackie: You drugged me?

Hyde: No.

Jackie: But you gave me the soda!

Hyde: But I didn’t drug the soda. I didn’t even know it was drugged. You’ll have to blame Leo.

Jackie: Leo wanted to drug me?

Hyde: No. It was all an accident.

Jackie: You still love me, though, right?

Hyde: Sure. I should check on the others.

Hyde stands up.

Jackie (standing up with him): I’ll go to.

Before Jackie gets all the words out her legs start to give way and Hyde catches her before she falls.

Hyde: Maybe you should stay here,

Jackie (pouting): But I don’t want to be all alone.

Hyde: Okay, fine. You can come.

Hyde puts his arms around Jackie and helps her walk to where the others are. Eric, Donna and Fez and sitting in a circle moving there hands around in front of them.

Jackie (watching there hands): That’s cool! How do you do that?

Eric (grinning goofily): I think we’re magic.

Hyde: I think you’re drugged.

Donna: Drugged?

Jackie: Leo drugged us.

Donna: Why would Leo drug us?

Hyde: Leo didn’t drug you, he drugged the soda.

Fez: Why would he want his soda drugged?

There is suddenly a knock on the door. Hyde sets Jackie down on the floor and goes to answer it. He assumes it is Kelso.

Hyde: Kelso! Where the hell...

He stops when he sees Red standing on the other side of the door.

Red: Dumbass’s van died in my driveway. Just what I need. That hunk of junk stuck in my driveway. Let’s go.

Hyde: Go?

Red: Yes go. Kelso finally admitted leaving you guys here and now I am here to get you.

Hyde: Now isn’t a good time.

Hyde tries to move out to close the door behind him so Red won’t see the others on the floor.

Red (annoyed): What did you do? Kill them or something? Let's go. Red pushes past Hyde and stop short when he sees Eric, Donna, Jackie and Fez on the floor.

Eric: Dad! Look! My hands glowing!

Red turns and stares at Hyde.

Red: What is going on here?

Hyde: Well, ya know, Red, it’s kind of a funny story. Ya see, Kelso stranded us here and they got thirsty and I found a bottle of soda. They drank it and afterwards we found out it had been, um, tampered with.

Red: Tampered with?

Hyde: Acid.

Hyde cringes and steps back slightly waiting for Red to explode. Much to his shock, Red begins to laugh.

Hyde: You think this is funny?

Red (still laughing): Would you rather the alternative?

Hyde: No, no. Laugh all you want.

Jackie: Steven, I’m not as tingly anymore.

Red (raising an eyebrow): Tingly?

Hyde (blushing): Don't ask.

Jackie (looking at Red as if seeing him for the first time): Mr. Foreman! Can you take everyone else away so Steven and I can get tingly?

Hyde: JACKIE!

Red: Why don’t we get everyone home so you can sleep this off and then in the morning if you want to get tingly with him be my guest.

Hyde (looking at Red incredulously): What?

Red: I’m too old for this bullshit. You’re pining over her, she’s pining over you. DO something about it.

Suddenly Kelso’s voice can be heard.

Kelso: Holy mother! I am a doughnut!

Hyde looks around, but doesn’t see Kelso anywhere.

Kelso: Wha! Bubububu! Uhuh!

There is a sudden scene change and Hyde is suddenly sitting up straight in his little room at the Foreman's.

Hyde (muttering): What a weird dream.

Kelso (his voice comes form the main room in the basement): No Laurie! I will not wear that!

Laurie’s voice: It doesn’t make you look like a doughnut and stop mumbling!

The End

[ home ]