| December 21, 2003 (11:51 p.m.) Sunday I haven't been feeling very well the last few days. I've had a headache that won't quit. Yesterday, I called off of work because of it. Friday I tried Aleve and Excedrin. Tylenol doesn't work on it either. My doctor told me to stop taking Ibuprofen and other NSAIDs, but Ibuprofen is the only that seems to work for me. I've had a headache that would wake me up at night. And THAT is not pleasant. I think one thing that has contributed to my headache is Ted and Danni, and finding out Danni isn't real. I had chatted with Danni for several years, long chats, serious conversations...........and now Ted tells me that Danni was never real. And somehow he thinks that I should be thankful that I've gotten to know him so well. I don't know Ted at all. It's hard for me to even accept that Danni's not well. Ted's nothing but a lying jerk. I've had days to mull it over in my mind and my conclusion hasn't changed. I was always honest with them both. If anything, he never learned anything about me. He makes me think of Satan in the garden.....he spoke through Danni and I was "thoroughly deceived." I trusted him for years with so many personal things. It's so odd how he could play someone 28 years old, 31, 39, 55, 67, and even Danni, a now 18 year old girl. I feel so trapped in my mind right now trying to understand it. Deception is only the work of evil. He's old, frustrated, drunk, obscene, disgusting, and wicked. Only a person wicked could do something like that and claim that it was for "good." He claims to love Jehovah, but true Christians are "honest in ALL things." I just don't think that he gets that concept. It's so hard not to hate him. But I have to maintain my Christian personality depsite him, but it's so difficult. I feel like the truth was just wasted on him. But I'm glad that I'm not the judge. I have to be merciful to be shown mercy. Phily said he's going to send me an album by an African artist. I'm not sure when he'll send it, but I'm looking forward to hearing it. So many songs that I hear now remind me of him. And he says the same about me. One song by STeview Wonder, "Never Had a Dream Come True" really makes me think of him. He's never actually heard the song, but I sent him the lyrics to it. I wish he was online now. He's honest, even when it hurts. But I appreciate it more right now than I think he even realizes. I don't have to worry that he's hiding some secrets that I need to know. I'm sure there are things about him that I'll still learn for many years to come. But he just makes everyday so pleasant. I can talk to him and when he doesn't understand me, he works hard to understand me. I can respect him for his reasonableness and how he respects me and my feelings. He's a hardworker, perhaps too hard. We can chat about nothing and absolutely enjoy each other's company. I just want to be able to be confident in building a life with him and not worry about past hurt and bad experiences. I don't want those things to hold me down and keep me bitter and angry. That's not good for anyone. I want to use what good I can see down the road to push me to be someone better. I want to be a better Christian in order to be a good wife. That's important to me. I want to be happy. I'm so sick of being disappointed. |
| Journal Entries |
| October 9, 2003 (2:17 A.M.) Thursday I'm still awake and I have to be up in the morning for field service. I just don't want to go to bed. When I came in from work I just collapsed and slept for several hours. Work was so hectic. Our lighting was being redone, our phones were messing up, our backup tape drive wasn't working so they had to shut our computers down for awhile, and I had to deal with rude customers. It's days like these that you ask yourself, why do I keep doing this? But I did do some Bible reading at work in the book of Judges. And when I read about how Jehovah strengthened Solomon to carry the doors of the city, and the posts with it, I figure Jehovah can help me deal with my stress. Although, it's such a headache on some days. I finally heard from Zeal. He's stranded in Bauchi and I'm worried. I'm not sure really whether to be worried or upset because he took so long in contacting me. But I'm glad that he is okay for the moment. I talked to Krissi tonight. She had me looking up scriptures concerning how Jesus couldn't be God beause she was having a discussion with some of her friends in college. Well, they were more arguing than anything. But I think she got a bit across to them. Ever since I've been taking Effexor XR, it's helped with my depression. But I just don't seem to want to do much of anything else. I don't listen to my music like I used. I can't seem to get my room organzied like I used. So, it has its good and bad points. I just wish I could get things done. |
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| This page will be updated somewhat occasionally. The most recent entries are at the bottom of the page. |
| October 10, 2003 (9:43 P.M.) Friday I just got off of work. Uncle Genie, Nikki, Robert, David, Jonathan, and Kaia are all here. It's nice to have my family over, but sometimes I just want it quiet after work. I have to go in at 9 am too, so I don't get much time between the two shifts. My neck has been killing me. I keep trying to pop it, but it just won't budge. I really should take something for it. I was able to go out in service with Vicki yesterday morning. We seemed to get our times mixed up though. She hadn't picked me up by 10:00 so I called her and she said she thought we weren't going out until 10:30. But she did pick me up and we went out for about an hour and a half. She had a brief study with a woman named Rosella. She seemed very interested. Vicki invited her to the meeting last night, but she didn't show up. I think it'll just take some time. I'm not in the best of moods today. I'm just kinda 'pooped.' I'm guessing Zeal is still in Bauchi. I hope he's okay. I get sick of people thinking that I'm so in love with him and that I'm fooling myself about it. I wish that it could lead to something, but right now, there just isn't that much hope for it. We're so far apart. I mean, I'm worried about his situation, but I don't think at the moment it can lead to much. We have too much to sort out first. But I do wish that things were going better for him. I know what it's like to be stranded in a place you don't want to be, at least mentally. |
| October 12, 2003 (12:25 A.M.) Sunday I've been asleep for several hours, but I'm still tired and my stomach hurts. Too much Taco Bell!! I've had gas all day (eeewwww)!!!! I worked 9-6 and it wasn't pleasant. Jen called off sick. That left Cliff the pharmacist, Jesse, and me. It's alot of work for only 3 people. But Anne was sweet enough to come in at 1:00 and that did take the load off quite a bit. I took an hour lunch at almost 2:00 and I tried to sleep in the breakroom. It's so cold in there, but I did sleep a little. I was going to try to study my Watchtower, but I was just too tired. The rest of the day just dragged on. When I got home, I did part of my lesson. I still have some to finish for tomorrow. Mom and I are thinking about making spaghetti for our book study gathering after the meeting. Our public speaker happens to be in our book study, so a brother and his wife are having all of us over for dinner. It's also kinda the last time we'll be together as a book study besides Monday evening. After that, we change our study books, and a number of us our being reassigned to new book studies. We'll be going to the Parkers' home. I'm going to miss seeing Nikki and her family though at book studies. I love to see Kaia every chance I get. Speaking of Kaia, I just bought her a phonics toy that will help her learn her letters and help her learn to read. She's 3 1/2 years old, but she can spell her name. I think she'll like it. I've been thinking negatively for the past couple of weeks. And what's odd is that I've been taking my Effexor more regularly. I don't cry like I used to, but I just seem to look at the down side of things. It gives me a headache. I try to focus on good, but bad creeps in. I try to use prayer to get me in a more positive state of mind. Usually, that does help. I keep buying candy. I think I'm addicted to peppermint patties. They're just so refreshing!! ;) I just love 'em. With Halloween sales, all the candy has been less expensive, and that's not necessarily a good thing for my checkbook. |
| October 12, 2003 (8:36 p.m.) Sunday We just got back from Ed and Kasey's. Our book study had our last "get together." The food was good. I didn't eat too much. We were supposed to be there between 3:30 and 4:00, but we got there about 4:20. That wasn't bad considering we had to cook the spaghetti when we got home form the meeting. Mom and I cooked it pretty quickly. I did sleep for awhile over there while the brothers were watching football games. It was so cold in there with the fan going. Daddy didn't go to the gathering or the meeting. His lungs are still getting water in them. He hasn't been taking his water pills like he should. I work Monday thru Friday this week. I have a Dr.'s appointment on Tuesday at 8:30. I'll find out the results to my lab test to see if anything's wrong with my lymph nodes. The one in my armpit is larger than normal. It's still a bit tender. I need to go ahead and do my lesson for tomorrow night's book study. I know I'll want to come in and crash tomorrow after work. Now that I think about it, I need to do my Bible reading as well. |
| October 15, 2003 (12:14 a.m.) Tuesday Well, I'm not feeling well. I've got this dull nauseous feeling in the bottom of my stomach. My doctor said my bloods tests don't show anything wrong with my lymph nodes. However, with the fatigue that I've been having, he sent me for a test for 'mono'. I don't think that's what I have, but I suppose it's possible. Next Wednesday I go to the hospital for a CT Scan of my abdomen and pelvis. He wants to see if they're any lymph nodes swollen elsewhere. I hope if anything else is wrong that he'll see it. Work was just horrible today. That was mainly because of the way that I felt. I just didn't feel like being there and I just felt 'crappy' all day. Emma kept trying to get me to smile like the sweetie she is, but I just didn't feel like it. I just wanted to go home. Even now that I'm home, I just want to go to sleep, but I continue to keep myself up. I'm just a night owl. "A little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine oft infermities"...........or something like that. The KJ Bible says something to that affect. Maybe just a little wine will help. I have to be careful though. My mom drank wine the other night and then threw it up because she hadn't eaten anything in awhile. Well, I'm gonna go. To leave with a pleasant thought, I've been reading 1 Samuel like a novel. I just love reading it and seeing the history of those unfaithful and the example of those who did live faithfully. I'm just now really getting into David's life, right after killing Goliath. I think I'm coming on that part at a good time, especially after Sunday's lesson on what a good example David set in putting confidence in Jehovah. |
| October 23, 2003 (4:00 p.m.) Thursday I called off of work today. I went to sleep feeling sick and nauseous and woke up the same way. It's not the greatest feeling. I've been exhausted and just "slow" today. I called my Dr.'s office about my lab tests and the nurse said they came back mostly normal, but he still wants to see me. I had my CT scan done yesterday and the "Gastrografin" I had to drink at various intervals before the procedure was disgusting. I mixed it like I was supposed in a drink, but you could still taste how bitter it was. It gave me diarrhea that I'm still experiencing. My stomach is just not well. I also had to drink some sort of iodine that's fizzy while I was at the hospital. It makes you want to burp, but you're not supposed to, and that feeling does go away pretty quickly. They also gave me an injection in my arm so that they could see my veins better. I'm just glad it's over, but I wish I felt better than I do. I don't go back to the Dr. until November 3rd. That shouldn't be a problem. I hope the CT scans turn out fine, but I'm sort of afraid that they won't. I'm glad we had the watchtower lesson on putting confidence in Jehovah with health matters. It's really what I need right now. Our special assembly day is Saturday and I'm looking forward to it. Daddy's going to Akron tomorrow to pick up Krissi. Right now, even though I feel so tired, I have this ball of energy inside me. I'm just too sleepy to do anything about it. I need to remember to take my Effexor regularly. It seems that I only remember when I get light-headed. I'm also plagued by negative thoughts and that helps to remind that I need to take them. Well, I need to call my householder so we can go over the talk as well as finish my Bible reading for tonight. Ciao! |
| October 31, 2003 (10:39 P.M.) Friday Well, as usual, I'm tired. My parents and I just got back from Applebee's. I had a Mucho Bahama Mama with dinner and it was so good. I worked 11:30 to 8:00 today. It wasn't extremely busy, but it was steady. I got a chance to straighten up the bays a bit and mark the items that didn't have stickers on them. Our Tech Trainer came in today and she said I need to be AIM certified by the end of the year. That's our inventory system. I think I pretty much know what I need to know, but it seems I'm just never sure. Next Monday I go to my Dr.'s appointment. I don't think there's that much to be worried about. I called a couple of days ago concerning my CT Scans, but the nurse said that she didn't see any tumors or anything major like that but the Dr. still wants to talk to me. I think it may have something to do with my thyroid gland. That's a perfectly logical reason for why I'm always tired and worn out. Sometimes all I want to do is sleep. I think that depression is part of it, but I wasn't even this tired before I started taking my anti-depressant. I'm supposed to be going in field service tomorrow. Sometimes it's just so difficult for me to get up and go. My hearts wants to do it so bad, but my body just says, "Nooooooooo, please don't make me go. Stay here where it's warm and comfy!!" Hopefully, with Jehovah's strength, I'll be able to go. I know that I'm ALWAYS happier when I am able to get out, even when I don't have the greatest calls. Being with different brothers and sisters is truly a blessing. I think the biggest thing to do is to get the focus off of me, myself, and I and concentrate on the fact that I'm actually trying to bring hope to people. I have some return visits that I really need to get back to. I would really like to do that. I have to say that my Bible reading is getting along pretty good. At the rate I'm going, I hope to finish the Bible by the end of the year or least in January or February. I think that's a very good time frame. I think what I really need to work at is doing personal study. I always study for the meetings, but I don't really have a plan for personal study. I think I'm going to focus on the "Draw Close to Jehovah" book. I've read part of it, but I really want to get into it. It's such a wonderful book, at least the part that I've read. There are so many books from the 'faithful and discreet slave' that I want to "eat." There's just too many. The idea is daunting in itself. |
| November 04, 2003 (11:25 p.m.) Tuesday Well, I went to the Dr. yesterday morning. My CT scan was fine, but my blood work shows that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I guess it's the result of some sort of infection that I've had before. He said that's why I'm always tired with sore muscles. It can take 9 months or even several years to get out of your system. I'm glad there's a name for it. I hate just feeling lazy and tired all the time. I've been taking a B Vitamin that gives me some energy. I really need that. But I don't know what to do about my headache. The doctor suggested that it's from lack of oxygen at night. But I don't believe that. He told me to stop taking Ibuprofen because it can cause gastritis. But other stuff just doesn't work well for me. Our book study was very encouraging tonight. I really enjoy talking about how we can benefit more fully from our Bible reading. After the book study we had snacks. I made chicken nuggets from the recipes I get in the mail. I changed up a bit. I used corn flakes as the breading instead of the crackers that were stated. Everyone seemed to like them alot. My brain just doesn't seem to want to cooperate. I feel really depressed at the moment, so I'm gonna go before I make it even worse. I just hate not being able to concentrate like I want to. Well, I am on vacation officially now. I have Wed-Fri off with paid vacation. I think I need some rest. |
| November 15, 2003 (3:01 P.M.) Saturday Well, I didn't go out in service as I had planned. I think that's the biggest downside of working until 9:00 on Fridays. I already have a problem with being tired. I don't feel like going to bed as soon as I get home, so I'm up for awhile. It's just crazy. I'll probably go out tomorrow morning. Work has been quite stressful the past couple of days and tensions between some coworkers has increased. Sometimes I wonder if I should be looking somewhere else for a job. I wouldn't do it right away, but I do need something with better pay because this just seems ridiculous. I bought a little kit to make jewelry. I'll probably make some for Kaia and Mom. I'll make some for me too, but they wear it more than I do. But I was thinking that I could perhaps sell it and make a little bit of money on the side. I do need a little bit of extra income. I just found out that I'll probably have to owe my insurance company $500 for my CT Scan. The cash price is over $2500. So, $500 isn't bad in comparison. I'm not sure if Zeal and I are going to work out. But another African brother is trying to get my interest. I'm not sure if that will work out either, but he's quite persistant. I just don't know if it'll actually lead to anything. |
| December 2, 2003 (10:06 A.M.) Tuesday Well, things have changed quite a bit for me. You know that other African brother trying to get my attention, finally got my attention. His name is Philips and he has absolutely taken me. Since Zeal and I are no more, I have started talking to Phily seriously. It scares me how I feel, but I really feel like we're good for each other. We have similiar interests. He's an absolutely amazing, talented artist. He's a workaholic, though. That's where I think we differ. Although, yesterday I worked 11:30 - 9:00 because it was the first of the month and so busy. Then I worked 9:00 to 4:00 today. I was laying on my Mom during the book study this evening because I was so tired and my shoulders were tense. But back to Phily, I wish he was online right now. I miss him sooooooooo much, even though I talked to him just a few hours ago. I wrote a poem about him and sent it to him. He loved it. Mom is worried about the physical distance in our relationship, however, she knows that I'm crazy about him. She says when I'm here I only come downstairs to get online to see if he's on. I asked Zeal to go see about Phily, and HE DID!! Phily had sort of been jealous of Zeal because he thought that my heart was still attached to him, but it's not. Zeal is a good friend, but I'm stuck on my Phily. He makes me feel good about my future and yet I'm so scared of a relationship because I've never been in a real one. Now I'm even thinking of going to Nigeria in the early part of next year to see him. I guess I expected a simpler relationship, but this feels right to me in so many ways. I'm just nervous about it. Zeal said he would talk to Phily's elders about us. I guess I'm also worried about our spirituality. It's something we both need to work on. But I'm convinced we both basically have good hearts that love Jehovah and want to serve him. He's left several messages on my phone and I go back and listen to them when I just need to hear it. He tells me he loves me and I do love him. I know it'll take time for it to grow. But I do love him for all the things that I know about him thus far. Sometimes I worry that Phily won't be able to handle how depressed I get. But I guess I'm not one to go to others and mope. But he's compassionate and understanding. He just lifts my spirits and takes me outside of myself. |
| December 12, 2003 (1:39 A.M.) Friday Well, on December 8th, I received a ring from Phily. It was a silver band with a small emerald. It was so sweet. He even sent a typed note with it. It came from Tiffany's. I couldn't believe how much he's putting into this so soon. He called it an engagement ring, but I can't say 'yes' to marrying him this soon. There's still much to learn about him. I get confused about my feelings for him. Sometimes I think I don't think much of him and sometimes I think he's everything to me. I think my confusion is the result of not actually having him here with me. Last night I was chatting with Phily, Zeal, and one of Phily's elders, all at one time. I was grateful to get the chance to speak to one of his elders. He seemed very interested and concerned about how I feel about Phily. He says that Phily has never seemed so serious about anything. Phily's friend Emma says that I've made him "crazy." My sister Nikki says that I've been bitten by the "love bug." I can't wait until I'm able to actually meet Phily in person. He called to leave a message on my phone and it so happened that my phone was on while I was on my lunch break. So, I got to talk to him for a few minutes. It really picked up my day. It was so good to hear his voice. Work wasn't too bad today. Before work I had to get another CAT scan. This time it was of my chest so hopefully they'll be able to see the lump that's in my armpit. It seems so large. I'm afraid of a bad diagnosis and yet, I'm afraid that it'll get worse before they find out what it is. Phily is concerned about my health and my fatigue and I appreciate that so much. He seems to really try to understand how I feel. Everyone seems to be getting the flu, but I hope that I don't get it. I think my immune system has been boosted by me being near so many drugs at the pharmacy. But the way, Roger, one of the pharmacists, commended me on how I worked Wednesday night. We had so many scripts to get done, but we worked through quite a few of them. It's been so busy the last few weeks. I've recently gotten so many CDs by different artists: Ruben Studdard, Alicia Keys, Michael Buble, Lionel Richie, Anthology of Natalie Cole, Mariah Carey, 3 Doors Down, Sarah McLachlan, and Sara Evans. I think that's it. Alicia Keys has some of the best songs that I've hheard. Anyway, I've gotta run. I need to fix my lunch for work tomorrow. |
| January 4, 2004 (12:46 p.m.) Sunday Well, today was our first Sunday morning meeting for this year, as well as the last day for the visit of our new circuit overseer. He's such an animated brother, but he really drives the point home. ??I remember when I was younger how the CO's visit seemed to drag on and on forever. Now it goes much too quickly. Phily and I were arguing a bit last night and it gave me a headache. I really have to start seeing things from his view and not be so stubborn. I do want him to be able to attend meetings more, but this job provides him with the basic necessities. He's been without food before and I've never been without things that I really need. I won't undermine the necessity of Christian meetings, but I need to be more understanding. He is, however, attending more meetings now that he can go to a Kingdom Hall closer to his workplace and that's good. He was even able to attend the District Convention last weekend. I know that he greatly enjoyed that. I just feel so lost as to what exactly I should do. We have big plans, but we're not exactly sure how to make everything work out. I've even been buying items that we'll need for a home (ie, cleaning supplies, silverware, bakeware, cooking utensils). I try to get things if I see them on sale or clearance. I want things to work out for the best for us and we just seem to be at a dead end right now. But I think that part of it has to do with my health. This chronic fatigue just wipes me out and I'm expecting to have surgery this month on the lump in my armpit. So, I think that I should at least wait until after that to really get things moving. We're planning to go to Nigeria in June, but I'm not sure if he wants to come here sooner or not. He's thinking that he could work for awhile here first to save up some money for us, because he just doesn't make enough to save anything there. And he works so terribly hard for so little. I just want him to keep his eyes open for new opportunities. One worry is that if he gets a different job, we may not be able to chat as often. At his job at the internet cafe, he's always able to get access to the internet. I'm scared of that because the lack of communication was part of the reason why Zeal and I broke up. There's just so much to think about and yet I love him so much and I want things to work out. He has such a beautiful smile and when I look at his picture it just lifts my spirits. My mom came in my room trying to wake me up and she said, "Wake up and look at your honey." I keep his picture taped to my bed. I didn't get up at that time, but I did look at him when I finally got up. Krissi finally called last night. We hadn't heard from her in awhile and Dad's supposed to go get her so I may have to find a different way to work tomorrow. I'm so exhausted right now. I've got to go. I wish Phily would come online or at least reply to my email. I hope he's still not frustrated with me, but I'm not one to keep quiet if I feel something strongly like that. I'm going to go relax a bit. |
| January 17, 2004 (3:50 pm) Saturday Well, this last week or so has been a bit of a strain on me. I had surgery yesterday to remove the lymphnode in my right armpit. My surgeon, Dr. Munther did it with a local anesthetic, so I wasn't completely zonked out. I was awake during the whole thing, but I just felt "high." I remember I was trying to talk. And sometimes I felt like I was hallucinating. Anytime I thought about something, I felt like I was in another reality. But I'm okay now. I got to the hospital at 6:00 a.m and I was home at about 9:20. The surgery itself took about 15 - 20 minutes. Dr. Munther is a very good surgeon. He did my mother's and my gall bladder surgery years ago. He did mine when I was 15. And I found out that he had done surgery on a coworker and she was very pleased with him. I'm really not feeling too much pain right now. The doctor gave me a prescription for Vicodin. I've taken about 1 1/2 since yesterday. Actually, I've taken some of my mom's that she never used up. The pain's not too bad so I don't see the need to pop pills if I don't need it. A couple of days ago, Phily lost his job at the internet cafe because of his attending meetings. The boss claimed that it was because of he didn't encourage sales, but we know that's not true. Not much earlier he had complained that Phily hadn't been there when there was a problem with the lights that affected the server. That man wants a slave, not a worker. He didn't want Phily to ever leave. But I'm so proud that Phily has decided to put spiritual things first. He has made a great sacrifice and I know it may be difficult with him for awhile, but I know Jehovah will take care of him and bless him. Zeal lovingly went to see him today to check on him for me. I appreciate that so much because I can't be there. I'm still struggling to find out how to get Phily here with an American visa. It's hard to figure out exactly what the expense will be. Hopefully I'll be able to make more progress once the weather improves. It is snnowing so much right now and Daddy says that it's going to get worse with freezing rain and sleet. The streets are covered. I took a couple of pictures of the snow so that I could eventually send them to Phily. He's never really seen snow other than the picture that I showed him before. I hope Kaia gets to come over today. She's just the sweetest little thing in the world. "The Cat in the Hat" is on at the dollar movie. Maybe we can go see that tomorrow. Tonight there's a movie coming on called "Skeeter" about mutant mosquitoes. I really want to see that. I think I'll tape it because I know David and Jonathan will probably want to see it. |
| February 4, 2004 (2:21 a.m.) Wednesday There's a song by John Mayer called "Daughters" with the most beautiful lyrics. The chorus goes "Fathers be good to your daughters. Daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers. So, mothers be good to your daughters too." It's just the most beautiful and sweetest song. It makes me want to cry every time I hear it. I haven't heard from Phily in several days and it's beginning to worry me. Usually he leaves at least an offline message. I'm not sure what to think at this point. I was looking at a currency converter between American dollars and Nigerian naira. And I had asked Phily about the average cost of rent. Well, when all is said and done, 100 US dollars could pay for 3 months rent over there. But right now he doesn't have a permanent address, so I can't send him anything. I found out that the lymphnode that was removed was just an irratation. So, it was nothing serious. I was sort of hoping that there was some other reason I've been feeling the way that I do. I called off of work because of a headache and being so tired. I didn't get ANYTHING done today. I finally took a bath though Can you believe it? My father had put in a whirlpool bath in over two years ago and today was my first day in it. I always take showers, but baths just seem to take so long. I was in there for a couple of hours and it actually felt good. I'm still tired and my muscles are somewhat sore. I think my blood sugar got too low today. I was shaking and sweating. My mom says that it's because I don't eat enough protein in the mornings. I need to find something with protein because I hate that feeling. I finally got my way downstairs at about 3:00. I do to Dr. Paul again in the morning to see the results of a CAT scan that I took last week. I had to drink 3 bottles of "berry"flavored barium. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't pleasant. He wants to see why I have some tenderness in my upper abdomen. Sometimes I just wish that I could quit my job because of the way that I feel sometimes. But, of course, I wouldn't have the insurance that I need. It makes me look forward to Jehovah's "new heavens and new earth" where I won't have to worry about insurance, or being sick, or fatigued. I just want to feel well and energized. Any energy I do have is used up at work. And then I'm drained out for anything else that I want or need to do. I have to go to work tomorrow, and I know that I won't feel like it. I just am so completely worn out for no reason. I've been trying to read up on Chronic Fatigue so that I can find out what can be done for it. |
| Feburary 23, 2004 (11:27 PM) Monday Well, I'm doing so-so. I have spots on both shoulders that are tender to the slightest touch and I can't figure out what caused them. I've been so worn out with this CFS that on Sunday I fell asleep at the end of the Watchtower lesson. I haven't done that in YEARS!! But I just couldn't keep my eyes open. I had the weekend off, but I didn't go out in field service Saturday or Sunday and I feel so bad for that. But I slept most of both days. I didn't even begin to clean up my room. It gets messier and messier and I just don't have the energy to do anything about it. I've decreased my hours at work, so I'm hoping to be able to have a little energy for myself. Next week I'll only have 23 hours. That's less money, but hopefully, I can get some things done. There are days when I'm just out of it that I want to call off of work, but I hate doing that. It burdens others and I don't get paid that much as it is. So, even a day out of my paycheck is a pretty big chunk. My precious Phily is doing okay. He was so sick for awhile that he even thought that he had malaria. He was weak without an appetite and had even lost the taste in his mouth. He said that it was from mosquito bites that he got in places where he used to sleep. He told me that he visited his old place of work and the place had been shut down for nearly a week because of computer system problems. Customers were commenting on how good Phily's work had been when he was there. I think that made Phily feel good and it made me proud of him. He's still looking for a job and I'm not able to talk to him as often, but I'd pick a financially poor man over a spiritually poor man anyday. I'm so proud of the changes that he's made. ?? Dr. Paul is going to have my thyroid checked and I found some great info on WebMD about CFS. Dr. Paul also gave me an Rx for Ultracet for the pain in my shoulders and it has helped me quite a bit. I know that I need to start exercising, but I just dread it sometimes when I think of how tired I get. On Saturday, my parents and I went to a sister's house in our congregation. We had the most wonderful time. Well, her husband is now studying and they are just such a beautiful couple. The Luckies were there too and we laughed most of the time. They have a beautiful home and I was glad that I went because I didn't feel like going at first. But we had pork tenderloin with potatoes, carrots, and onions, salad, bread, and ice cream with strawberries for dessert. Upon leaving, Connie gave my mother and I a piece of geranium plant and a flower called a "nobile", I think. I wish I could keep plants alive for more than a week. Anyway, we had a great time over there, especially with their cat Mr. Moon. I really need to work on getting my driver's license. I know I need it, but I just can't push myself to do it. |
| March 14, 2004 (12:02 A.M.) Sunday Well, my persistant headaches have warranted new medication from my doctor. He put me on Arthrotec and I tried it for the first time today. It really helped me out. But now I'm starting to feel it come back. That annoys me so much. My thyroid tests came back normal, but I was reading a book on CFS and it said that many thyroid tests can be misread by current standards. So, I may show my doctor that article. He has really been helpful. But he is worried about my headaches. I'm going to have an MRI done next Tuesday on my head. I hope that they have an open MRI machine so that I don't get claustrophobic. My Phily is doing okay. I sent him some money through Western Union, but he tried to pick up with John since it's in John's name. But they didn't have a record of it. So, he's going to try another bank tomorrow. I'm really disappointed because he wanted the money to be able to go to the circuit assembly this weekend. I hope that he'll be able to get to another one. I miss him right now. I'm so tired of this "correspondence" via email. I wish he were actually here. I know that he wants to be here too. My hours at work are reduced, which I am thankful for. I called off Friday because of a headache. And last night I could barely get to sleep because of a headache. At work, Kathy suggested I try accupressure on my earlobes to alleviate some of the headache pain. I will certainly try it. I'm glad I went into work today. I wouldn't have gotten much accomplished at home anyway. And Emma made the taco dip that I had asked her to make. It's just so good. I'm thinking of making it for our bookstudy on Tuesday. It's going to be the first night in the book "Draw Close to Jehovah." I just love that boook so much. I've read quite a bit of it, but I love the idea of going through it together. And we'll take more time with this one. We just flew through the "Worship God" book. But I still enjoyed it. In my daily Bible reading, I'm in Job. As soon as I finish it, I will have read the entire bible!!! That has been a long-standing goal and I'll be happy when I've achieved it. I'm trying to increase my hours in field service, but the fatigue sometimes gets the best of me, so I think I'm going to try telephone witnessing or letter-writing. I also need to get my studies started back with Jonathan. Well, I need to go. My head is thinking about hurting again. f |
| March 20, 2004 (12:43 A.M.) Saturday Well, my head hasn't been hurting like it was and I'm grateful for that. On Tuesday, I had to have an MRI done of my brain. That felt like torture. It was open MRI, but I didn't realize it. I had to lie down, of course very still, but I also had a plastic cage-like mask locked over my head. I could see fine through it. But I couldnt move my head. I had earphones on underneath it and so there was some pressure on my head. There was jazz music playing every once in a while when it didn't fade out. The machine was so extremely loud. There was a thunderous thumping and grinding and whirring. It took maybe a half an hour or more. I prayed most of the time to get myself through it and I thought about my Phily. The time seemed to go much faster that way. I will find out the results of the MRI next Tuesday at my doctor's appointment. Daddy fell on the ice on Wednesday afternoon and hurt his arm. It's still sore. Mom made him go to the hospital that night. It's not broken, but they gave him some pain medication. It's okay if he keeps it still. Mom told me Krissi is reading her Bible and that just makes me so happy. I have a hard time talking to her, but I'm glad to know that she's taking an interest in God's Word. I pray that she finds her way through the "narrow gate." Phily got the money that I sent him and I think that it's helping him out. I want to make things work for us, but it just seems like such a big task. And I get tired just thinking about it. But I pray for strength and the will to get things done. I know that he'd do it for me. |
| April 28, 2004 (2:35 P.M) Wednesday I've got to go to Dr. Raman today for a consult on whether or not I need a colonoscopy. EEeeeeewww!! I don't want that,but it may be necessary. Dr. Paul diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia last Monday. I have tender points that get sore so often, but I bought exercise latex bands and they do help to release the pressure. Last Thursday I got a bone scan done at the hospital. It worried me. I got it done because of pain on my ribs that Dr. Paul noticed. They took a second picture of my ribs. After I was done, the specialist asked me where the pain is and I showed him. He nodded his head. Then he said that knowing is half the battle and then it can be treated. I'm not sure what he meant, but it's driving me crazy. I looked at one of the monitors that showed my scan (at least I think it was mine) and it showed little round nodes near my ribs. There were about three of them. I go Friday to find out about the results and my Mom is taking off to go with me. I just hope it turns out okay. I talked to Phily last on the internet. We used our microphones and it was so nice to hear each other's voices. We even sang to each other Kingdom songs!! He has such a beautiful voice. I sang "Christian Dedication" to him and "Unbreakable Heart." He sang "A Paradise..." I can't remember the title, but I know the words. It was wonderful. We got to talk about different things. It was so awesome and it's FREE!! There was a slight delay, but it wasn't too bad at all. I scanned new pictures for him and sent them in an email. It included pix from the memorial and a picture of a mouse that I got pictures of on the floor behind a wooden display case. I wanted to catch it too, but it ran too fast. I got a bill for over $700 on extra medical expenses, but I'm going to dispute it. I'm not paying that. It's ridiculous. Well, I've got to go. Robert has to come get Kaia and I've got to be at the Doctor's in 10 minutes. |
| May 14, 2004 (2:02 A.M.) Friday I am just so hot right now. I'm sticky and the air feels so humid in this house. I don't know if it's just me or not. Earlier today I had an endoscopy done of my stomach to check for any problems. I was under anesthesia and don't remember anything. I remember being taken back to the room and being given a drug to make me relax. It put me in a nice fog. Then one of the nurses sprayed something in my throat to numb it. It didn't taste that great at all. I think before then, she had given me a medication to get rid of the bubbles in my stomach. After all was done, I was in recovery and it took a little bit for me to come out of the daze. My parents came back from the hospital cafeteria and Mom helped me to get dressed. Dr. Raman said he didn't find anything significant. He diagnosed me with non-erosive acid reflux disease and told me I needed to take Nexium. It didn't work last time, but he did up the milligrams. My bone scan came out alright. I have something called chondorcondritis (sp?). It has to do with damage to the soft bone and hard bone near my ribs, I think. Dr. Paul said it could come from strenuous exercise or some other exertion. Dr. Paul also diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia. He has put me on Flexeril to help relax my muscles. He has avoided putting me on NSAIDS because of my stomach, but I'm almost willing to try it because of the muscle soreness. I think that I can handle it. He's also got me on generic Darvocet-N. It helps with the pain, but not so much with the inflammation. I think that's the biggest concern. I also need to do something about my bladder. I'm getting up too often at night and that's annoying. Ted has caused trouble with me and Phily. Ted still wants a relationship with me, but it's just so unrealistic. He actually told Phily that he was going to "share" me with him. Of course, Phily was disturbed and got rather jealous, but I've mananged to smooth things out. |
| July 10, 2004 (3:32 A.M.) Saturday Well, it's been awhile. Things are still ho-hum for me. Right now the muscles in my shoulders are so tight and tender. I'm on Orphenadrine now for my muscles to relax them. It's not nearly as effective as the Flexeril, but it certainly doesn't make me as drowsy as the Flexeril. I'm back on the Ultracet instead of the Darvocet-N. That's not as effective either, but Dr. Paul said that it's better for long-term treatment. I'm also taking Allegra-D to hopefully help with my headaches. I think all those headaches that I've been having have been due to sinus congestion. Dr. Paul pressed on my sinuses and they were so tender and of course that's where the headache pain usually is. I've got a heel spur in my left heel, but I've decided to leave that alone for now. Dr. Paul said they would have to operate on it, and I just dont't want that right now. Mom's been off of work for kidney stone problems. I'm not sure how long she'll be off. I think she'll need to have surgery in order to get one of them out. I got a new digital camera. I know I should've saved the money, but I've been wanting it for so long. I've started a website in connection with another company that sells all kinds of different products. It's an amazing site. It comes pre-stocked and I can control the prices. On June 30, I went to see a psychiatrist named Dr. Patterson. Dr. Paul referred me to him. Well, I had been sent paperwork in the mail to fill out prior to appointment and we spent most of the hour going over them. He was a very nice guy. It was weird talking about myself, but it was nice to have someone actually concerned with how I felt. He diagnosed me with Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He's switching me from Effexor XR to Wellbutrin XL. He said that over time, the Effexor can actually contribute to a lack of concentration. And that has been bothering me for some time. Effexor XR focuses on raising serotonin levels while Wellbutrin XL focuses on raising dopamine and norepinephrine levels. I think the dopamine deals with my mood. He said that after awhile I'll begin to see changes. I might actually feel motivated to get up and do something or even get up in the morning. That would be so nice because I'm so sick of everything right now. I'm sick of work. I'm sick of myself because I can't get anything done that I want to get done or should get done. I haven't really been out in field service in so long that it scares me. I'm just so drained in the mornings. And then later on, my mind is racing, my muscles are sore, and I just want to sleep. I don't think my insurance covers my psychiatrist. The first visit was $195. I don't think that it will be that much later on. At least I hope not. But at least he gave me plenty of samples to take until I see him next time. He even said that he might try me on something for my thyroid to help with my metabolism. He's also thinking of putting me on Meridia for my weight. I've been gaining some back and that's depressing as well. I need to get my permit again. That's one goal that I have more than anything. I know that I need to get my license, but I just can't seem to do it. I don't know why. I just can't get it done, as with everything else. Phily has been encouraging me, even though he's so far away. He recently got a job as an agent for selling oil. He's currently looking for his first client. Nikk's pregnant with her fourth. Wow. Didn't see that coming. But I'm happy about it. I hope that it's a girl. Kaia doesn't want a little brother anyway. She's very insistent upong having a little sister. Miko had her baby on June 1st and her name is Bailey. Jen K, at work, had her baby on June 23rd and her name is Karli. I think about having kids one day, but I don't know if I could handle it. Well, right now I'm hurting so bad. My muscles are tight as rocks. Goodnight. |
| August 20, 2004 (1:39 A.M.) Friday My mind has been so completely unfocused for the past month. I'm not sure what it is. I thought that the Wellbutrin XL would help with that, but it hasn't. It has helped with the depression overall, but my mind can't stay in one place for very long. I did get my permit, but I haven't driven once since I got it. I was off of work last week and it seemed to go by so fast. This week I have about 37 hours, and that's alot for me. I have two more days this week, Friday and Saturday. I'm a bit worn out. Last Friday, I went to see Jan, the counselor at Dr. Patterson's office. It was an evaluation and she asked alot of questions. She's a nice person, but I'm not used to talking ANYONE so it's still unnerving. There were a couple of times that I had to calm myself so that I wouldn't tear up. I'm glad that I only go every 3 weeks. Our next visit will consist of an action plan to help me actually achieve some of my goals. I worry more about disappointing her than myself. Last Wednesday, I went to Cedar Point with Mom, Dad, and Uncle Waymon. Get this!!! I've lost over 100 pounds since I was there last, but I couldn't ride the "Dragster" or the "Millenium." That irritated me more than anything. They had seats at the beginning of the line to try and there seemed to be alot of people who couldn't ride them. I thought that was ridiculous. Anyway, one of the best rides that we got on was "Chaos." It's a small ride, but it's so awesome and fun. You're spinning around and forward and backwards. (Right now my mind is channel-surfing.) I'm supposed to be taking the National Pharmacy Technican Certification exam in November. I've been trying to study for it, but it's hard to know what to focus on. Roger seems to think that I'll be alright. I worry about my concentration. I can't even get things done that I like to do. I want to write and draw and it just doesn't happen. That's so frustrating. I can't even pray without my mind wandering. Phily's called me about 3 times within the last week. I enjoyed that, but it seems we haven't really had the chance to chat online. It's easier online because our phone connection is usually so poor that we end up repeating ourselves constantly. I've bought some new CDs. I got Evanescense, Brandy, Tamia and a Jackson 5 compilation. There are some that are due to come within a few days. I've been on a Colin Farrell "binge." He's so adorable and he's an incredible actor from playing Bullseye in "Daredevil" and Danny Witwer in "Minority Report." You'd have to see them to understand. He's going to play Alexander the Great in the movie "Alexander" coming out in November. I just hope it isn't rated 'R', but it probably will be. Oliver Stone directed it. ? Well, I've gotta go. I wish I could get my head on straight. |
