"Can't you tell I'm happy? I haven't threatened to kill anyone in days!"

"Smite the just and reward the wicked."

"'Almost' bakes no cakes... wait a minute, that made no sense."

"He is the bastard uber-child of a ninja-pirate pairing. He has the strengths of both but the weaknesses of neither!"
-(Talking about our friend, Thomas Clagett)

"You should have cut off her thumbs; those without thumbs don't argue, they bleed and cry"

"I may be strong as all hell but I'm ugly as sin."

"You should let your intense hatred of everyone around you keep you warm, like I do."

"Feast upon the deceased"

"Trust you? Of course I don't trust you! I get along with you and I like you. The hell would I trust anyone I get along with?"

"You know why I hang with you? You are an abuse sponge; I can say whatever I want to you and you don't care."
-(Talking to me)

"I am the Twizzler Ninja!"

"I'm Sprinkles and I'm pink!"

"Robotic horses; for those too manly to drive cars, yet too girly to ride motorcycles."

"Ahh yes! I can feel my ego growing, becoming bloated on your fear!"

"If you can't harm or help me, I probably don't care about you."

"I cordially invite you to GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!"

"Stop whining you clown-haired bastard!"

"If you don't stop whining I'll give you something to whine about!"

"I am in need of medical assistance."

"Hey! Julia! Shut up! Your opinion was not asked for and is therefore worthless."
-(To...Julia)

"Damn it, Brent! Stop whining! Whine, whine, and whine, that's all you miserable punks ever do! Shut up you whiney bastards! Man I hate whiners."
-(To his younger brother)

"Dude, the dream I just had last night was the only one I remember in years that didn't include me killing people or being killed! Does that mean I can stop going to the therapist now?"

"You know what my aunt told me last night? She says to me 'Will, I love you dearly, but you're going to hell when you die.' What the hell kind of thing is that to say to a guy who may or may not die of some horrible disease? I mean, I know its true, but, like, what the hell?"

"Hannibal Lector is my idol... what? Why is everyone staring at me like that? Come on guys, the dude is a total badass!"

"If I ruled, all the whiners would be ground up for food. Come to think of it, so would the vegetarians, the Swedes, the crippled, the retarded...Hell, there aren't many types of people I wouldn't grind up for food!"

"If a hundredth of the stuff that goes through my head actually happened, I would be beheaded, in a soccer stadium, on international TV, and people would cheer."

"You know what, Jackie? You have a really fuzzy nose; it's like a peach! Heh, a peach! I'm gonna call you Fuzzy Nose from now on! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"
-(To Jackie)

"What's the matter, don't trust me? Heh, don't sweat it, man; I wouldn't trust me either. Hell, everyone around me knows I'm not to be trusted."

Julia: "Oh, fuck you, dude!"
Will: "Is that an invitation?"
Julia: *stares murder at him*
Will: *insolent grin* "Well?"

"If I ruled the world, I would take all the hobos off the streets, and train them. I would mold them all into my personal army, and they would ride genetically engineered cockroaches the size of minivans!"

"My dog and I, we have an understanding."

"Here's my philosophy in a nutshell, as a person with your morals would see it; despair."

"My dog threatens to kill me sometimes. When I step on his tail, he just looks at me. I can tell what he be sayin' 'Will, you are my pack brother, and we have an understanding. These are the only two things that are keeping me from killing you right now, and next time, I may not be as generous.' I love my dog."

Will: "You know what I noticed? Our entire class seems to share the same emotional energy. Whenever others are happy, I'm not. When others are having a bad day, I'm having a ball!"
Greg: "Dude, Will, that's because you're a sadist."
Will: "You know, that could be it..."

"Any food you attain by denying it of others tastes much better."

"Bread is Will food; I just grab a loaf and walk around eating it all day. Getting hungry? I just tear off a chunk."

"Don't make me cut off your thumbs."
-(The well-known threat that has been used on us all.)

"Good answer Brad, you get to keep your thumbs for today."

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Damn it, stop talking, you're making me stupid!"

"My youngest brother looks to me for protection from the middle brother; it's like a sheep asking a wolf to protect it from a rabid dog!"

"There is a subtle difference between those who knife and those who shiv."

"I would rather gouge out my eyes with dull pencils than watch you dance."

"Assault of the hideous voidminds!"

"Vegetarians are not people, they have no souls. Every time you take an action, part of your soul is destroyed. When you eat meat, you absorb part of the animal's soul, therefore replenishing your own. Therefore; vegetarians have no souls and are not human."

"If I ruled the world, all the whiny, bitchy vegetarian/animal rights activists would have their limbs cut off. When this is done they will be tied to trees so that all the little animals come and eat them live. This will show them how useless their philosophy is; animals don't give a damn about you. Hell, cows would eat you, given half a chance. They don't care what you eat; they're fucking animals!"

"There are no such things as 'natural rights' or 'human rights'. Anyone with power over you gives you said rights and takes them away just as easily. If some guy decides to chain you to a chair and not let you get up for a year or two, your 'right' to freedom doesn't mean a damn thing."

"Morals are decided by the individual. That means that if you decide it is moral to torture-kill babies, it is the moral thing to do, for you. Therefore overreaching morals are non-existent. A majority of people may decide what they agree on to be moral, but that is meaningless unless you agree with them."

"According to my philosophy I can do whatever I want! Why, you may ask? Because in the end, what we do doesn't mean jack in the grand scheme of things."

"Don't mess with me, punk; I've killed things bigger than you with my bare hands and eaten them."

"You aren't being very helpful."

"I am a furious ball of hate right now."

"I find your existence distasteful."

"In my will, I'm going to have them serve some of my own flesh as the main dish at my funeral."

"I would make a terrible doctor. I would go up to some bald dying kid and say; 'Congratulations! You're gonna make it, kid!' And he'd be all like; 'Really, Doctor Will?', and I'd say; 'Hell no! You're gonna die in like three weeks! Ahahahahahaha!!!'"

"Splinters! Ahh Jesus, I got splinters in my neck!"

"Thorns, thorns! Argh, thorns! Why the hell didn't you tell me the damn tree was covered in tiny thorns?"

"Over this summer I killed babies and ate them!"

"Don't think of this as a baby killing, think of it more as a delayed abortion!"

"Unfortunately, about half way through class, my notes devolved into me writing how much I hated school and everyone in it over and over."

"I'm gonna go out with a bang, a 12 megaton bang that spews radioactive death!"

"If I ran the war, I woulda nuked them until the entire country was a glowing slab of glass that showed up as a hot spot from the damn Moon."

"What kind of disease do you have? Is it horrible, does it make you bleed internally?"

"I spent all last night catching rats with Brian and sacrificing them to Lord Snaggletooth. He's the 15 foot gator who lives in the lake."

"Ohh yeah, that was bright! 'I know; I'll shoot the wild boar (with a paintball gun) that must weigh twice as much as I do! I mean, its only a big pig with razor sharp tusks, what could it do to me?' Dude, just... dude! Do you even think about these kind of things before you act?"

"You know what? I really should think these things through."

"I admit, I am curious as to exactly what series of events led to you getting your hand stuck in the engine of a car."

"According to my younger brother, I'm much more friendly when I'm too drugged to move, talk coherently, or get the child-proof top off a bottle of aspirin."

"Correction; Ed's here to help. I'm just here."

"I got a 'nade! Woohoo!"

"I can run like hell, and my own personal hell has eight legs and eyes covering its body, so it can run full tilt and not worry about running into something."

"My aches joint...*pause* My joints ache. There we go!"

"You know what I love about places like this? I can take a look at all the pathetic specimens of humanity. Do any of these people really deserve life? Do they really? These kind of places just serve to strengthen my resolve."

"I'm going to forcibly halt your biological process with the aid of a sharp, metallic object."

"I shall shape in unto my will."*crumples plastic bag*
"So, your will is vaguely circular, then?" *examining plastic bag*
"Uhh, yeah, I guess so..."
"Wow, that's deep."
-(talking to himself)

"Rock long. Rock hard. Rock on."

"Fear my art, peasants!"

"My God, this isn't cake! This isn't cake at all! It may have started as cake but it is no longer."

Will: "You know, I haven't threatened to kill anyone in almost a week."
Me: "Dude, are you, like, sick?"
Will: "...Probably"

"Yep, it's a book, all right. Pages and everything!"
-(To me when he found me absently looking over the book I was reading.)

"Dire toads. Normal toads give you warts, dire toads give you cancer."

"I could prove myself right, but at this time I don't feel like expending the energy to back up my claims."

"Don't trust talking furniture. It will only lead you astray."

"Oranges are only the larval stage of the mighty onion."

Will: "Do you serve the Lord Nelson?"
Me: "Will, Nelson is your dog."
Will: "Silence, biped!!"

"It's not murder, it's vanquishing the unrighteous."

Will: "Why are you wearing that German propeganda?"
Me: "What?"
Will:"Your shirt. It says 'Germany.'"
Me: "No it doesn't. It says 'Gymnastics', you idiot."
Will: "You can't fool me. It starts with a 'G' and if you twist that 'y' it could be an 'r'. I can see through your code!"
Me: "What's wrong with you?!"
Will: "You can't deny the truth. I can see through your lies!"
Me: "Whatever."

Me: *Watching Will poke his waffle* "Will, what are you doing?"
Will: "I'm excavating the ruins of Makulatha."
Me: "Will, that's a waffle..."
Will: "Shhhhhh. They don't know that."
Me: "Who?"
Will: "The government. They think I'm in Zambia. They're paying me a thousand dollars a day for this."
-(At breakfast)

"I am a dangerously sharp cookie, my dear."

Me: "Hey, look! Instant Civil War Kit."
Will: "Sounds like Africa."
-(At the Gettysburg gift shop)

Will: "No! Do not step in the water!"
Me:"Why not?"
Will: "Because it is bad for you!"
Me: "Why? Does it carry diseases?"
Will: "Yes. And you know what else it carries? Communists! To American shores!"

Will: "What do you think? Does my theory hold water?"
Me: *Pause* "Just don't go into bucket sales."
Will: "Aww. And I was hoping to open Will's Bucket Emporium: For All Your Bucket Needs."

"The best way to beat ninjas is to use fire. It's hard to be stealthy when you're on fire."

"I don't bother punching people, I just cut off their air supply."

Me: "But I would have thought you'd like That '70's Show."
Will: "Why?"
Me: "Well, um...They wear Grateful Dead shirts."
Will: "Dessa, if a bear wore a Grateful Dead shirt and tried to kill me, it doesn't mean I would like the bear."