Soldier Part I: Player Information

Your Name: Jessica

Email Address:[email protected]

Web Page: (none right now...)


Part II: Character Information

Character Position: SailorSalacia

Character Name: Ambrosine Diviana Thalassa

Name Meaning:

First:Ambrosine, Latin, "Immortal"

Middle: Diviana, Latin, "Goddess"

Surname:Thalassa, Greek, "Sea"

Total: "Immortal Goddess (Of the) Sea"

Nicknames:  Divi, Amber

Vessy: I wonder why everybody chooses such typically american nicknames? is there a difference between American nicknames and Euro nicknames? I think Brosine or Sina (Cee-na) would be a cool nickname, more original... *shrugs* everybody goes for the obvious...

Birthdate and Age / Zodiacal Sign: June 23, 16/Cancer,

Physical Details:
Hair: Most of her hair is short, reaching a little past her chin to play around it, but in the back there are two long tails, reaching down to her ankles, held at the top and bottom by silver clasps, (which her teachers threaten her about, but she's not about to take them out,)  with beads braided into the bottom. It is a dark blue color, not quite navy, with lighter streaks of cerulean. Anything but natural, she dyes her hair at any opportunity to keep it the same color. As a result, she gets a lot of grief from her teachers about it, threatening that it doesn't match the St. T's uniform.

Vessy: 1) my god dye would add up to a fair wad of cash, 2) Seriously dude she's gonna trip on those anime or no, Usagi's are only like knee length, 3) I can't see any private school administrator being at all happy about it, I know you said grief but my friend got her hair died back forcefully when she had died it purple with temporary die. No seriously the sat her down in cosmetology and gave her a choice of brown or blonde dies. I can't see st T being any more lenient. Plus it REALLY wouldn't make her popular with the richer snobbier crowds. It you want her hair blue I'd suggest making it naturally that way it'd just cause alot less fuss. 4) My god she's gonna trip on those things!

Eyes: Her eyes are round, slightly almond shaped, with thin, high eyebrows. They are a clear aquamarine color, and seem happy most of the time, but on occasion they seem to drift off into space, like she's thinking..

Vessy: Like she's thinking? What she DOESN'T think? Most peoples eyes tend to drift of when their extremely bored or thinking.

Skin: Her skin is pale, but not too pale, a few shades lighter than tan. It is how tanned she gets, and she never seems to get darker, and she barely burns.

Vessy: Could you please describe what it is, not what it isn't thank you.

Build:She is anything but tall, about 5' 1", and 110 lbs. Also, she is skinny, to the point of looking anorexic sometimes, even though she tries to eat as much as she can. Which of course, never helps. She has small hips, a skinny waist, and not much of a bust, but long legs (for her size,) which gives her the look, on a bad day, of a stretched out gummy bear.On a good day, she looks like a barbie doll, not always a good thing. Her face is roundish, with prominent cheekbones, sloping to a small, slightly pointed chin.

Carriage:  When she walks, it is smooth, swinging her arms and hips very little. Sometimes, she seems like she is almost uncomfortable on the land, walking like the ground is rolling beneath her feet, even a bit klutzy. She swims incredibly well though, able to hold her breath longer than most people, and only people who don't know her challange her to contests of swimming.

Vessy: okay she walks smoothly but is still a klutz please pick one thankies.

Voice: She has a high, lilting soprano. Her voice is usually quiet, but if she gets mad, the volume can raise decibels, to a not-that-pretty near-screech. She speaks with a heavy french accent, and if she gets really mad, she has a tendency to lapse into french a little.

Vessy: Oh god *ANOTHER* bloody foreigner. NO FOREIGNERS. It's clearly stated.

Clothing:When not wearing her school uniform, she almost always is wearing a bathingsuit, with shorts and a tanktop over it, and sandels with heels on them. When it gets colder she wears baggier clothing and loses the bathingsuit, opting instead for jeans and a shirt, nothing fancy, but almost always in blue, turqoise, or white. On her neck are always two necklaces, a black woven choker and a longer necklace, a scallop on a black leather thong, and on her right wrist is her henshin gem, set in its bracelet.

Bloodtype: A

Gemstone: Pearl, her birthstone

Likes: Swimming & Swim Team-She feels at home in the water. She can outswim practically anyone that is thrown at her, and she spends as much time as she can in any pool as she can get too.

Boys- She values personality over looks in men, but if she doesn't know them, she tends to fawn over their good looks and popularity. All the better if they have nice personalities.

Vessy: So if she doesn't know a guy that she thinks is cute/hot she'll just come up and faun over their good looks whether they have a personality or not?

Seafood-She adores anything from the sea, from fish to crablegs, even escargots (snails.) She goes out of her way to eat at restaraunts that serve seafood, even if they are more expensive than others.

Dislikes: Pushy Boys-While she may like boys, she finds boys that come on too girls too quickly to be very dislikable. Many of her breakups with boys have been due to them wanting to go too far, too fast.

Red Meat-The only meat she really eats is seafood. She refuses to eat any meat from mammals or birds, like beef or sheep or chicken, even refuses to eat eggs, though she does drink milk. Besides seafood, she's a strict vegetarian.

Vessy: Why?

Her name-She tends to think that her parents were braindead or smoking something when they named her and her brother. Her name is long, hard to pronounce, and even harder to remember. And it drives her nuts when teachers misprounounce her name every time they say it, even though she's corrected them.

snobby people-People who think that they are better than everybody else, who expect other people to worship them, and treat the rest of the world like dirt. She's had a lot of grief from people like that

Vessy: Most people do. and she's probly gonna get alot of grief from said snobs for that shocking hair of hers

Hobbies:
Swimming-She swims most all of the time, as much  as she possibly can, and she is very good at it.

Vessy: Why? How did she get into it? What draws her to swimming? Where does she swim? Pools? oceans? Rivers? bathtubs?

Gambling-She delves into the realm of gambling at times, betting with people to see if they can beat her, and her and her brother usually get a nice wad of cash from it too.

Vessy: She is SIXTEEN years old! Where is she going to gamble? Horse tracks? casinos? back rooms gambling? Cards? Games of chances? Sports bets? Elaborate!

Personality: She tends to hover in the middle of the social groups, not with the popular kids, but not with the geeks either. Instead, she has a group of several of the people who fit into neither, who are just plain nice people. Most times, she'll hang in the background, but if there's a debate happening, she'll voice her opinions in an instant. Her mood swings readily, going from calm and collected to evil and bitchy in an instant, though she tends to stay towards the calm side. She'll defend her friends in an instant, either with her voice or her fists, and she's had to be stopped from starting (or ending,) many a fight, despite her small size, though she makes sure there are no adults around when she chooses to get in an argument. More often then not though, if she doesn't see a reason to the argument, she'll try to be the peacemaker and stop it. Usually, she succeeds, and it is only when she sees a good reason that she starts trading words or fists.

Vessy: Okay 1) WAAAAAAAAAAAAY, Way, Way to short 2) Extremely one dimensional, it explains nothing outlined in her likes and hobbies above. Why does she like gambling? Why does she like swimming? WHY? and the space between geekdom and super popular is called the middle ground, average. Social groups tend to not have that much of a bearing on what your personality, usually it's the other way around. Plus. HOLY Contradicting contradiction batman! Can you please give somethings to us straight? I mean artistic licence is one thing but can you please tell us what she is not what she isn't. Mood swings are part of everyone's personalities (well everyone except for perhaps Ayanami ^-^;; ) anyways you don't really need to tells us this unless it's like ADD stylings. Yknow "My mom deserted me at the side of the road, OH! A Bunt Cake! *falls over* Ow My leg-Oh! A penny!" Plus she's a girl so she's got the licence to have rapid fire mood swings especially that time of the month. So generally she's calm and in the background except when she has an opinion and wants to be part of the conversation and will defend her friends and dive right into any argument but only as long as it holds her attention/is interesting then she takes on the role of peace keeper. Overall a really flat pointless personality and no depth or detail or even rationality to it.

History: She was born in Italy, but her mother was weak and died giving birth. Her father was stricken, and requested that his company move transfer him so that he could get away, and they did, to France. She grew up in Paris, speaking more French than Italian but learning them both, from her father and her school. In school, she was quite popular, though mostly it was because she was a bit of a rebel, even when she was young, and kids respected her for it. Plus, she had a cute twin brother. When she was firmly entrenched in her school, with the looks and the friends, her father's company moved them again. At the age of thirteen, they moved back to the country that she couldn't even remember, to be greeted by relatives that remembered her, but she coudn't remember, and a school,  St. Tarcisius, where the cliques were set and she had no group. People berated her because she was different, her teachers hated her because she refused to let her hair be a 'natural' color, and her classmates thought she was weird. She didn't even have her friends to fall back on, all she had was her brother. For a while, she grew indrawn and quiet, depressed, ignoring people and forgetting to eat, forgetting her homework. It was almost halfway through the school year that she finally as pulled out of her deep funk, by a girl who had moved from america and was teased and ridiculed by the students even more than amber had been. The girl, Wendy Medarda, became her best friend, and they might as well have been attached at the hip. Soon, Wendy and Dy started going out, Amber found a boyfriend in Wynne Erasmus, who just happened to be Dy's friend, and everything was fine for a while. When she had started her own group of friends in the school, outcasts but not geeks, firmly entranced into the society of highschool, she discovered she was a senshi. Afterwords, she had a heck of a time hiding it from her friends, and her brother especially, who she had been extremely close to her whole life. He grew suspicious of something happening, and she had to avoid him for a while, until he forgot, which didn't work very well. It just made him more suspicious, and a little worried that she was doing drugs or something. So, he just followed her around more, acting like the concerned brother that he was. She was touched by his concern, and managed to calm him down, and hide her secret from him, and her family, and her friends, though she had a tough time doing it.

Vessy: Why did her mom die? Why was she weak? did she have a disease or anything? How would moving to France make him forget about his dead wife? Who took care of them in France? Nanny? Him? how did he work and take care of two baby twins at the same time? Did they have relatives or friends in France?Why did she learn Italian as well? Where'd the twin come from? who was born first? How could she be a rebel if she's a wallflowering contradiction? What would a brother have to do with popularity? If they wanted to know him they could've just been friends with him. If he was so close to him and such a good friend with her brother why didn't she hang out with him? How did he fit into the school? Okay first of WHAT SECRET? Did she get preggers or something? or is it the senshi thing? Explain for the slow and stupid here please. My GOD could that be any more of a sob story? her mom died, her dad made them all move to France where they knew no one, and then moved them again, she didn't fit in at school (Gee I wonder why) and is now hiding a big secret! Ooh! Could that have been anymore point form- ish? Almost as one dimensional as the personality. I'm sorry I'm being totally harsh I know but please kids don't listen to depressing screwed up music when writing apps it creates depressing screwed up apps. I know from experience. Please try and make you characters more dimensional please!

NPCs: Abba Thalassa (father (of the) sea (abba is hebrew name))- He is a calm man, though he tends to be indrawn. His world was shattered when his wife died, and for years he ignored everthing but his job and his children, trying to take his mind off the loss of his beloved. He loves his children dearly, and he was relieved, after he got over the loss of his wife, to move back to italy. He works at an engineering company, designing cars, and sometimes they do move workers, that is how he managed to get a transfer. He is a tall man, with light brown hair and brown eyes and a handsome face, even being fourty five years old, and a mysterious, quiet demenor. His personality is one of kind understanding, rarely yelling, rarely getting angry, instead weighing both sides of an argument befor making a decision. He tends to wear business clothing, suits and ties, though he does change into more casual, jeans and a sweatshirt, when he needs to.

Vessy: Seriously how much more to life can one have living as a single father trying to raise children all alone in a strange city while working. Couldn't you think of a more original career for a transfer? What about High level accounting? Or Marketing? Computer systems analysis? I mean they're not likely going to transfer someone engineering cars so much as someone who needs to reach the people ie: Marketing.

Part V: The Writing Sample

"Dy, 'ow much?" she rested her arms on the edge of the pool, brushed a bit of her wet hair out of her face, and grinned at her brother.

He grinned back at her and leaned back in the chair "Enough." His fingers flipped through the money, then tucked it into his wallet, slipping the wallet into a pocket on his pants. "They never give up, do they? They're just wasting their money... but all the better for us."

"No, zey don't, do they?" Her eyes flicked to the group of teenagers, still counting their remaining money, trying to win the bet, while the occasional dirty look flashed their way. "I doubt zat any of zem could beat me." she glanced at her brother and raised an eyebrow, "But zey will surely try."

A slim girl broke off from the group and walked over, a scowl on her face. She thrust a wad of money into Dy's face "Here, I'll race her. And win." she grinned evily and turned to look at Ambrosine. "Four laps, touch the side of the pool each time. I win, I get the money. Got that?"

She nodded, climbing out of the pool, then leaning down, her toes and finger hooked over the rim of the pool. She leaned back a little, testing her grip on the edge. Beside her, the girl leaned down. "Sure you want to waste your money? You can still quit...." the girl glared at her and shook her head. "Fine zen." Amber turned her head back to look at the end of the pool.

"One.... Two.... THREE!!" Dy counted off, and when he reached three, they leaped off, diving into the pool in unison, though it didn't stay that way for long.

Ambrosine kicked her legs, her arms sliding smoothly into the water. The other girl followed behind her, splashing and making a lot of racket, expending too much of her energy. The first wall rushed up to her, and she flipped over, touching it with her feet and pushing off. So it continued, three more laps, and she climbed out of the pool fully a half a lap ahead of the other girl. She grabbed her towl and dried off, watching the girl finish and climb out, breathing heavily. A dirty look was sent at Ambrosine. "You... *huff huff* cheated!... I know.. You did... *Huff Huff*" she turned and stomped off to her group of friends.

"No, not really..." Dy chuckled and shoved the money in his pocket. "So, what do you want?"

Amber grinned at him, a gleam in her eyes. "You know what I want..." She pulled her clothes on then grabbed his hand, pulling him. "C'mon, i'm starving."

He rolled his eyes, allowing himself to be pulled by her. "Not fish... anything but fish..."

"Fine then, escargots."

"You're kidding."

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Vessy: Overall the character was very flat and not detailed. Had no real personality and the history was a sob story. She's a foreigner and she's got no real flow to her. I liked the writing style in the story and there were some characteristics that I quite liked but the cons far outweighed the pros on this app. You have talent you just need to make your characters more dynamic and streamlined. Expand on things. REMEMBER: you CANNOT put TOO much detail into a character. Elaborate on points, like the gambling and the rebelliousness. Loose the sob story. But most of all try and bring the character in one direction and see how far you can go not a million ways at once. I'd LOVE you to re-apply as another character and I'd even be willing to give you more pointers if you'd like. I'm sorry if I came off a bit harsh in my comments I was just trying to get my point across.

Verdict: Reject