Skin- Her skin is very tan, because of her spending so much time out in the
water swimming. Its not too dark, but looks as if she is out tanning every
single day. She has one scar, above her eyebrow, from falling down the stairs as
a child and hitting her head on a door.
Carriage- Thalassa is very graceful,
acting as if she were a princess. She steps gracefully at times, always making
sure she won't fall and standing straight.
Voice- Thalassa has a quiet
voice, since she rarely speaks. The only time she speaks is if she is speaking
to herself, or to her parents.
Clothes- Thalassa usually wears her tight
jeans, a sea-blue thin sweater, and leather pumps. She usually wears a dark
shade of red lipstick, and barely noticeable blue eyeshadow. She wears a
necklace around her neck, and a bracelet with her Aquamarine jewel on it. She
also has pierced ears, with aquamarine earrings.
Dislikes:
Studying - Even though she is very good at it, she
does not like to study. She thinks of it as a waste of time and claims she is a
"natural intellectual."
Vessy: Can anyone really be Good at
studying? I mean is it really a skill that one can be good at or
not?
Loud People - Thalassa would
like it much better if the whole world was just quiet. Anyone who is loud, she
will not associate with, and dismiss them as complete idiots.
Teachers - All of Thala's
teachers, besides her father, are complete idiots to her. They treat her
differently since her mother is dead, and Thala hates it, so she writes them off
as idiots.
Dissy: Oh please
don�t tell me she has a dead mother. Okay, from this point on, no family
tragedies unless there is a reason for it, such as two gods who were your god�s
parents divorced, or one of your god�s parents died. I mean, really people, what
is with the need for a broken family...And by the way, studying, that�s also a
verb. She should hate book work instead.
Vessy: *cringe* I
see dead people! *ducks away*
Hobbies:
Swimming - Since this is a big part
of her life, she usually swims at school in the school pool, often swimming in a
lake near her home. ((I don't know if there would BE a lake, if there isn't just
tell me and I'll correct it ^_^))
Dissy: This is where you should put
reading and writing and running.
Personality:
She is very quiet, always thinking, even when in the water. She'll think
about things like her boyfriend and her friends, and sometimes she'll get very
deep, digging into her soul. She is very responsible, and does most of the
chores in her house, since her father works two jobs to keep food on the table.
She gets decent grades in school, maintaining a GPA of 3.7 and joining into
extra-curricular activities, such as swimming and newspaper(just writing up the
swimming :-p ). Thala enjoys her classes, but there is always something pulling
at her, something that makes her want to leave and just bask in the cold water
and lie there, just float. She works hard, but as said earlier, she sometimes
wants to dive into the cold water. She is happy, but will get easily depressed
at the mention of her mother, and will retreat, sometimes going to her room,
other times just leaving. She'll disappear for a short time, and then come back
and blame herself for blowing up and getting "over emotional."
Dissy: She seems very solemn, and frankly, as a Sag, I
can say that me and every other Sag I know are not that solemn. In fact, we�re
all loud and talk too much and when things get us down we cover up it up so that
no one makes a scene and embarrasses us. Also, this is incredabl short as far as
personalities go.
Vessy: WTF's a Sag?
(no offense) Yes its quite a bit shorter than we would like... alot more detail
and depth would be greatly appreciated. Like how does she act around friends or
other people in general... Not to mention (now I don't mean to sound insensitive
here) but why does she get so depressed over her mother if she never knew her?
*points to history* "died soon
after her birth, due to birth complications" she would be
VERY VERY young and the would be little of even imprinting on her small mind.
History: Thalassa was born to Anwar and Maleena Meriel in a small town near
Romulous Public High School in Rome,
Dissy: quick correction, Rome is the city, there�s no
possible way for her to be born in a small town inside Rome.
Vessy: *cracks knuckles* I'm sorry
but sob stories are my specialties...
and her mother died soon after her
birth, due to birth complications. Her father, who loved her mother very much,
went into a nervous wreck after that, and Thalassa lived with her aunt in Italy
for a year while her father underwent counseling. Having no mother affected
Thalassa greatly, as she started to act more like a boy, with a bad temper
Vessy: Why
would living with her aunt at a VERY young age for a year cause her to act like
a boy? At this age there is little real definition between "boy-ish" and
"girl-ish" personalities. Unless you mean as she grew older, because she had no
female role models. In which case please state. In which case what influences
caused her to pull away from this Tom-boyish attitude as she grew older? When
did she grow into and out of this faze?
which she grew out of as she got older. Her father is affected every time
he looks into her face, and says she looks so much like him it hurts. The same
aunt she had lived with after her father broke down came and lived with them
until Thalassa was old enough to take care of herself while her father worked,
which was not until she was 10.
Vessy: Okay now if she had this
female influence in her life of her aunt why again did she go into this
"Tom-boy" faze? And I'm sorry but in my books 10 years old is not really old
enough to take care of ones self. That would be a grade 5-er taking care of
themself all alone for a couple of hours (probably after school and perhaps on
weekends and being he is a proffesor probably in the evenings too.). I'm sorry
but I think thats a little young... No babysitters? Afterschool
programs?
She began pre-school near there, and has lived in the same home for her
whole life. (V- This last sentance is jumping out of the
path of the story, and grammatically incorrenct. Lived near where? Lived near
where she was 10? Please read through!) Her father is a teacher at
Romulous Public High School, and she is well accepted by her peers into their
group. (V- Okay this should be at least two seperate
sentances. "Her father is a teacher at Romulous Public
Highschool" okay what does he teach? "and she is well accepted by her peers into their
group" her peers into their group? Okay you
stated she lived in this same area all her life. So she would ahve conceivably
grown up with the same Peers so why would they have qualms about accepting
her?)
She is almost elite, (V- Elite? in what sense?
Socially? Academically? Physically?) as her father would like, and she is
a fairly well student, as her father says. Her two companions, Kylie and Danil,
are the closest friends she has ever had. She has few friends (V- Okay, if she only has a few friends that would make your
statement of being Elite inaccurate if you mean it socially, and conceivably her
comment about being well accepted by her peers. We need clearness
here.) and is always with Kylie and Danil. Her father has even told
them that they are the modern "Three Musketeers." Danil is her current
boyfriend, and she cares for him very much. Even though Thalassa's father works
at her school, she doesn't care. She loves him very much, and has a strong bond
with him that can never be broken. When Thalassa was 16 years old, she was
approached by the coach of the school swim team. The coach had noticed her
during P.E. class and seen her amazing swimming ability. She asked her to join
the swim team and Thalassa agreed, glad she would be able to get away from home
for a while every other day. (V- Why would she want to get
away from home? I thought you said she had a good relationship with her father.
Is she not allowed to go out or something? Whats the reasoning here?) And
that marked her wonderful start as the Captain of the Swim Team. She had been
swimming since she was five, when her aunt had taught her how to swim so she
would be able to be with Kylie when she went to the lake, so Thalassa thought of
this as a perfect thing for her. During her swimming career, she gained a few
rivals from St. Tarcisius Private Academy for beating them very badly in a race.
One of these rivals decided to sabotage her at the Nationals, which both schools
were going to attend. When Thalassa had gotten into the water, the student who
was jealous of her, Carla Guilavardes, made it look as if she had attacked her
by going under her in the water. Since that, Thalassa has been banned from
swimming for the summer season. (V- Okay a personal
attack at a competition would have been seriously investigated and if
they found her guilty of "attacking" she would have possibly been charged
and most definitly black balled not just banned for a season... and secondly
swimmers swim in lanes to prevent such an attack/cheating... it would be highly
difficult to fake an attack during a race... not to mention to multitude of
witnesses... Personally I'd like this event described much more
clearly...) Now, Thalassa is just a normal teenage Italian girl. She
usually likes to swim, but since the incident in the competition where she was
accused of cheating and banned from the Swim Team, she swims in the lake nearby.
She has no idea of her destiny as Sailor Salacia.
Dissy: erm...first
half is pretty much a sob story and as I said, no more family tragedies please.
second half, I�m having trouble understanding things. You go through the girl�s
childhood, not really mentioning much about her swimming and suddenly she�s the
star of RHS�s swim team...talk more about how she developed the passion she has
for water and swimming and all that, and maybe you should take out the rival
part since it kinda seems irrelevant to her life, since she doesn�t seem to hold
a grudge or anything, or have any mission to beat the girl.
Vessy: Personally I'd like a whole shwack more detail
here especially concerning events. Secondly I'd like you to read through and
work out what you're trying to say. Everything is just smooshed in there like
you're trying to say everything at once without breathing. Paragraphs are your
friends. Not to mention you have several sentances where there is more than
one topic or point. "Her father is a teacher at
Romulous Public High School, and she is well accepted by her peers into their
group." MORE!
NPCs: Anwar Meriel- Thalassa's 51 year
old father. Anwar is a well-known Professor through Europe,
Vessy:You just said he was a
highschool teacher *points* There's a differance. And what does he
teach?
famous for his amazing teaching skills. In Germany, he turned around a
whole class of failing students and turned them into A-grade students. (V- If she's lived in Italy all her life/same house. How did she
manage to have her father away for this miraculous grade turning. Which would
have taken minimally a month. probably more like a whole semester. And why isn't
it mentioned in History? How did Romulous get so lucky to have this world
renouned prof?) He has brown eyes, and has balding brown hair. He usually
wears a black suit, and his glasses. He and Thalassa, or Thala as he calls her,
get along extremely well, much more than the normal father and daughter. He
suspects this is becaue of the loss of her mother, so she became closer to him.
He has balding red hair, and teaches Biology and Mathematics to the students.
Vessy: Biology and Math what a combination... and I'm
sorry but couldn't this closeness become a complex of some sort if he's trying
to replace his wife with his daughter in a way? But that would seem to put an
inordinate amount of stress upon a young child... and SPELL
CHECK!
Danil Mordor- Thalassa's 17 year old boyfriend, Danil is an attractive
young man with bright blonde hair. He stands 6'6" and weighs 140 lbs. He has
well-toned muscles and sapphire blue eyes. He is also part of the swim team, and
has been since he was in Romulous Public Jr. High. He lives very close to the
campus, only one mile away from it.
Vessy: One mile isn't really what one would call "Very
close" and MY GOD THIS GUY FALLS OUT OF HUMAN PROPORTIONS!!! http://healthfullife.umdnj.edu/editor/METROLIFE_table.htm 140lbs
is a healthy weight for a small male thats 5'6" someone who's 6'6" even a small
wimpy guy would be 180-200lbs. and this guy is a competitive swimmer for atleast
3 years so he would have a GOOD amount of muscle mass EASILY pushing him over
200lbs in a healthy well proportioned way. AH! OUT OF PROPORTION! He should
really get that checked! *laughs* mordor. *cough-lord of the
rings-cough*
Kylie Taber- Kylie is Thalassa's best friend, whom she has lived nearby
for as long as she has lived in Rome. Kylie is two years younger than her, but
since she had a higher intelligence than those in her own class, she was moved
ahead to be in Thalassa's grade. Some of Thalassa's friends teased her, but
Thalassa became her only friend there, besides Danil. Thalassa and her are both
on the swim team together, and Kylie is the Co-Captain of the team.
Part III: Senshi Information
Special Skills: Thalassa is a
wonderful swimmer, and that may be the reason she is picked as Salacia's avatar
on the physical world.
Vessy: Maybe expand
this a bit more perhaps she can hold her breath for longer than most people, or
has a natural affinity to natural water. perhaps she can swim more easily in the
sea.
Dissy: Also,
spell check it please.
Henshin Item: Thalassa's henshin item is
an aquamarine jewel. She has it attached to a bracelet around her wrist.
Transformation: When transforming, Thala raises her right arm into the
air. She then shouts "Salacia Deus Power Make-Up!" The gem begins to glow
brightly. After that, an image of an ocean appears below her, making her seem as
if she is floating on the surface. She deeps (V-
Deeps?) below, becoming covered in water. Her body shines with a
turqoise(sp?) light, her fuku glowing on her skin. She flies out of the water,
spinning in the air, and then stops spinning above the water. Her symbol appears
on her forehead, her light blue choker and collar appearing after it. Her gem
appears on her right armpit, and the dark gray bodice comes from the gem,
followed by the breast plate. Then her skirt appears, followed by the brown
leather skirt flaps. Her boots then appear, completing the transformation and
she stands with her arm at her waist.
Color: Light blue
Symbol:
http://www.symbols.com/encyclopedia/14/146.htmlFuku/Costume:
Thala's fuku is just like all other Aquilus fukus, just with a few short
differences. Her symbol is proudly shining light blue on her forehead, and her
choker is a light blue color, as well her choker. Her armor has a turqoise
lining to it, which shines when she does her attacks. Her henshin item shines on
her red armpit,
(Dissy: red
armpit? please spell/grammar check and proof read.)
glowing light blue like it should. Her bodice is dark gray, which is
customary for the Aquilus soldiers if you do not choose black. Her armguards
have her symbol drawn into them in a light blue color by herself, which shines
as well when her attacks begin. Her skirt has a black leather belt, with her
sign drawn in at the middle of her waist. Hanging from her belt are two light
blue ribbons, which shine when her attacks begin. Her skirt is light blue with
turqoise leather flaps around it. Her boots have a ribbon around the ankle and
her symbol appears on the toe, which you guessed it, shines when her attacks
begin. The only thing which stays with her is her earrings, which shine when she
transforms.
Powers/Attacks:
"Salacia Coral Crash!" Thala raises her arms into the
air. Then she spins around, an image of the ocean floor appearing around her. A
coral reef is behind her, full of life. She spins around, and she is suddenly
inside the reef. Suddenly a tornado of water appears and starts sending the
coral flying. "SALACIA CORAL CRASH!" She cries, and suddenly it goes towards her
enemy, sending razor-sharp coral pieces towards them. This attack hits more than
one target, and it can be performed as many times she needs it. It may also be
blocked if the opponent has hard skin, such as a shell.
"Salacia Sea Veil!" This is a defensive attack. Thala starts this one
crouched down on the ground. The ocean floor appears around her, completely bare
besides the alge(sp?)(I think you mean seaweed/lakeweed Algea is that floaty
stuff that grows on rocks) growing from the ground. She takes the sand up into
the air from the water, letting it slip through her fingers as she takes it
through the air around herself. She then skims her hand on the ocean floor until
she comes back to her starting point. An invisible veil surrounds her, and
blocks elemental attacks. This attack may only be used once, and may be broken.
Dissy:
erm...Sweetie, one attack, not two.
Weapons: Thala prefers to fight with her
own hands and fists, using her grace to leap and spin, confusing her enemies and
then beating them when they're down.
Vessy: Powers, henshin and attack are all fine. I like
the sea veil one it's very pretty and the coral is quite original.
Guardian: None.
Vessy: *sniffles* aw I wanted a sea monster gaurdian
how cool would that be?
Part IV: Miscellaneous Information
Why You: I am an experienced roleplayer, but this is my first time
using a PBeM format. I have done message board rpgs and chatroom rpgs. I own a
Sailor Moon rpg on ezboard, and it is doing very well. I feel that I would be a
good addition to this game. This character, for me, is very unique. She also had
a tragedy early in her life, so that may give a good way to introduce an arc.
She also is basically a wonderful character with an interesting background, at
least to me. This game seems like a very wonderful game, and it shows that there
are very talented people out there on the internet. I also would like to know
how PBeMs work, since I have never played these. Hopefully this would be a good
thing for me.
Miscellaneous: Well, this is ONE small thing, but I was wondering if
there could be things such as a Constellation character? Like Sailor Orion, or
Sailor Capricorn. That's about it, thanks for hearing me out!
Vessy: I don't think
so...
Dissy: Yeah,
I have plans for the future of this RPG anyway. And they are all top secret,
mwahahahahaha!!!!!...uh...okay, I�m done now...
Vessy: *raises eyebrow* *backs away slowly...* . .
.
Part V: The Writing Sample
Thala sat at her desk, trying to finish her Biology homework. Suddenly
there was a knock at the door, and Kylie walked in.
"Hello, Thala. How are
you feeling?" She asked, reminding her of earlier that day.
"I'm fine." She
said, turning and sititng on the chair backwards. "Where's Danil?" She asked,
looking outside.
"He had tons of homework to do....He sent his love though."
Kylie smiled.
Thala grinned. "That's my wonderful Danil..." She muttered.
She smiled, thinking of him.
Kylie looked at her. "Thala?" She asked,
slapping her lightly on the cheek. Thala jumped, being awakened from her day
dream.
"Oh, sorry..." She muttered. "Kylie, have you ever felt that you
were.....different?"
Kylie stared at her. "Being two years younger than the
rest of my class, yes I do feel different every day. Why?"
Thala sighed.
"Its just...sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to be part of something. You
know, something more important than everyday life. Something that helps others.
And I'm feeling that right this second."
Kylie sighed. "Hun, that's called
wanting to be unique."
Thala stared at her. "Yeah right. If it was that,
wouldn't I want it every second instead of just at certain times? I always feel
like there's something out there....something for me....something that's only
for me..." She sighed. "Sometimes, I just want to dive into a lake and swim my
heart out. Or go to the bottom of the sea and stay there. That's why I joined
the Swim Team. I thought it would help...but it just made that urge even
stronger! There's something out there....something for me..."
Dissy: There! That is what you need to write
about in the history about why she joined the swim team and why it�s a passion
for her.
Thala's father knocked on the door
then. "Kylie, your mother says you must come home."
Kylie nodded. "Ok, Mr.
Meriel." She hugged Thala. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay Thala?"
Thala
nodded.
"Bye, Mr. Meriel!" She said, smiling and walking outside to her home
next door.
Vessy: Good story
nice wistful theme.
------------------------------
Vessy: Personally I don't think there's a whole lot in
here that can't really be fixed with a REALLY THOROUGH read through, a handful
of tweaking,bringing people back from the dead and a super UBER sized bucket of
detail and description.
Vessy's Verdict = Revise or
Die!
Dissy: Well, I�m personally going to be a bit harsher than Vessy,
cause I�ve been seeing some trends emerge in applicants, as well as seeing some
old ones that I used to struggle with present in your application. I pointed
them all out above, and I hope I don�t sound too evile or crazy, but they�re
just things I feel need to be fixed.
Dissy�s
Verdict = Reject revise, Revise or Die
Final Verdict - Revise or
Die!