Soldier Part I: Player Information
Your Name: Rydia
Email Address:
[email protected]Web
Page: not up yet
Part II: Character Information
Character Position: Sailor Proserpina
Character Name: Azucena
Kanya
Name Meaning: Lily Maiden
Azucena Italian for lily
Kanya
Hindi for Maiden
Nickname: Azu
Vessy: Okay she's Italian which is fair. But A) her
first name is a word translation and that's a no-no. B) if she is actually
Italian as you say she is why is her last name Hindi (that's origined from
places like India or pakistan or afghanistan. That area, not italy, that's more
latin origin.
Dissy: Odd name…I would have issues with having that
name, sorry, but I would.
Birth date: June 22
Age: 16
Zodiacal Sign: Cancer
Traits of a
cancer: Emotional and loving
Intuitive and imaginative
Shrewd and
cautious
Protective and sympathetic
On the dark side....
Changeable and
moody
Overemotional and touchy
Clinging and unable to let go
Physical Details:
Hair: shoulder length coffee brown hair with
cinnamon highlights. Her bangs are parted in the center and go just above
the eyebrow; a few strands go over her eyes. She does her hair up in
a simple ponytail everyday with a azure ribbon, expect on fancy occasions
were she wears her hair in a loose twist.
Vessy: What type of coffee? different coffees have
different colors, could it be a milky medium blend or a straight up Dark
roast?
I think you ment except. Are her bangs thin? fat?
poofy? flat? if her bangs go to her eye brows did the hairstylist screw up
big time and have a seizure while cutting her bangs
causing them to be all uneven? Her hair sort of
sounds like a drink ^-^;; regular coffe with a light sprinkling of cinnamon with
an azure twist (maybe azures like a food coloring or something...)
Dissy: Does it change when
she’s transformed? It occurs to me that the picture you sent us has her hair
down.
Height: 4'8" *not very tall*
Vessy: No that's actually extremeley short
:)
Dissy: Or better described as VERY SHORT!!!
O.O
Eyes: Small fair peacock green eyes with a bit of yellow around the edges.
Her eyelashes are black and are long and slender.
Vessy: What exactly is peacock green, I give you merit
for poetic justice but peacoks are a bunch of different shades of blue and
green. What shade/shape are her eyebrows? What type
of eye make up does she wear in any? *thinks* isn't peacock green a pencil
crayon shade? It's sort of like Mily aqua I think...
Features: Azucena nose is normal sized for a girl her age, she has
small ears with a set of silver hoops in them. Her lips are small but have the
normal teenage shape. Her lips have a pinkish look to them.
Vessy: What is the normal teenage shape of lips? I
don't see much difference between teenage lips and adult lips but hey. and most
lips are shaped quite differently. Pouty, thin, Bigger on top, bigger on bottom,
really supple, and most lips are pinkish, I've never seen lips that aren't
naturally pinkish. Again with the nose everybodies are different, does it turn
up a little? snub? is it wide? thin? really long? Beakish? Like how small are
her ears here? Freakishly small? Small compared to an elephant?
How big are the hoops? are they the only earings she
wears?
Skin tone: Azucena has fair somewhat pale skin. What I mean by somewhat
is because her cheeks have a pinkish color to them.
Vessy: How pale? Like "Hi I'm an albino?" or pale "Hi
I'm chinese so I'm pail compared to a african american who is so black if he
stands in a room with his eye's and mouth closed and turns off the light he
turns invisible" (No racist content implied). How pink are her cheeks? Does she
have rosachia or is she just naturally blushed?
Most native born mediteranians don't have pale skin
it's usually quit creamy tanned, or bronzed. What about scars? Birth marks?
tatoos? Acne? Is her skin drier or oilier? And since she's Japanese/Italian
heritage she'd be quite dark/bronzed/coffee colored.
Voice: Azucena has a calm, soothing voice...most of the time, Some
times she has this loud hyper voice that's really annoying and other times she
talks like a "normal" civilized human.
Vessy: so is she alto, soprano, mezzo soprano? Is her
voice like hippie hypnotist, absolutley calming monotone? or just like when your
talking to a frightened animal?
How annoying is her voice? Is it screechy? Squeeky?
unintelligible? and what is normal civilized human being? and how do you talk
like one?
Soprano - High
Mezzo Soprano -Medium
Alto - Low
Physical strength: Azucena plays soccer, basketball, volley ball, she has
good strength and could probably lift things heaver then her...but only for
a short time, she can caring her friends around but will eventually need
help. She can run for a fair distance without getting tired, which is good in
her case because she gets chased a lot.
Hand: right
Stature: Azucena can remain still and calm; she sits done in a polite
manner, but usually she's never home because she's always on the go, she
talks to her friends other leaning on something, sitting on something or just
standing there, she doesn't look at people in the eye when she talks, she
always get nervous when she does.
Vessy: Usually one would compare not being looked in
the eye to being untrustworthy... I don't know what
never being home has to do with carriage/stature. I really think you have to
read through your writing because alot of it doesn't make sense at all, words
are often wrong.
Build: Azucena has the looks of a 19 year old; she has a few curves,
and is thin, with a few
muscles on her arms and legs from all those sports
that she plays, she weights about 110.
Vessy: You mean she doesn't have all her muscles? I
mean would that be hard to only have a few muscles, especially for a sports
type. What do you mean the looks of a 19 year old? Do you mean the build of a 19
year old or that she looks 19? How curvy is she? like not really or like
medium/average?
Clothes: She loves bright and dark colors. Her favorite suit is a pair of
light blue Capri's her
mothers shirt that is a little too big for her that is
covered in a spring time scene, and a pair
of white sandals. She likes to
draw her own clothes but she has never gotten a chance to make
them.
Vessy: okay we know what colors but what style (despite
the rather mitch-mached out fit you have there), what
types of clothes? Does she go to a school that has a uniform?
Blood type: B
Gemstone: Pearl
Vessy: Why does she like pearl? it's not her birth
stone because pearl is Gemini. So why?
Likes:
- Make-up, Azucena loves makeup because it hides her pale face from the
world and she wants to be popular. Her make-up kit includes, body glitter,
glitter body mist, eye shadow, mascara, lipstick, you name she has it.
Vessy: Wearing make up doesn't make you popular. This
is begining to be very Mary Sue-ish, why does she want to hide her face? is
there something wrong with it? Does she have deep rooted fears with being
completely open?
- Ice cream, Azucena loves ice cream, she can eat it everyday if she wanted
too, she know every flavor created, she can tell you the name, what's in it
and who made it.
Nature, no she's not a nature freak, she just likes the outdoors, and she
loves the quite air all around, not being chased all the time, enjoying
what she can before winter comes along and changes the land to a place of
snow.
Vessy: wow this reminds me of this one app with this
chika being obsessed with christmas... umm... WHY?
- Music: Azucena loves music epically the groups like queen, glass tiger.
All those old groups, she has been listening to them for ages. Even though
they are English, she can understand it quite well, even thought she speaks
little English.
Vessy: Okay 99% of people like music, we know that but
why does she like those groups? What do you mean by epically the groups? do
you mean specifically? Where was she exposed to queen and glass tiger? What
draws her to them? What Italian groups does she like?
Dissy: We really need to get that information page up
on the Italian Musicians and schtuff I’v had to up to my head with these little
Italian girls who like american music and can’s speak it too well but understand
the music…
Dislikes:
- Being chased, she hates being chased by the same group of boys everyday,
24/7, she always says one thing to them and then they start chasing her all
the way home or farther.
Vessy: Who chases her and why would they chase her? is
it like "Oh we hate you your ugly *chase chase* *beat beat* or "oh we love you
your so beautiful go out with every single one of us now" what does she always
say that makes them chase her? If she's saying stuff to provoke them i'm not
going to feel sorry for her.
Dissy: Okay, now that is very much something I’d
imagine seeing in a Venus application, not in a Proserpina application. The only
god in love with Proserpina was Pluto and he was obsessed. it wasn’t legions of
admirers like it was for Venus.
- Winter: Azucena can't stand it, it's too cold for her liking, and it
ruins the beautiful look of nature The only reason why she likes it is because
no one can chase her.
Vessy: It doesn't really get winter time-ey
in Rome, there's very little snow. and how would winter time stop them from
chasing her? I mean I live in Canada and winter time doesn't stop me
from doing anything. Hell I polar bear swim (swimming in really cold
water carved out of the ice in say a river or lake). But I can see
your reasoning for her disliking snow, spring is when the snow melts
right.
- Popular image: though she wants to be one, she just can't stand them and
their preppy ways of why so and so aren't cool and this and that are the hit
fashions of today not that and that. She wishes that someone would punch them
and set them straight for once and tell them "We are people to".
Vessy: Okay if she hates the way they act and the whole
hit fashions stuff and all that why would she want to be part of that clique? I
mean why doesn't she just go find friends who she likes and aren't preppy
exclusive? and one other thing. Popular is what you make it right? something
that's popular in one circle might be viewed as stupid or ugly in another
circle. Popular people aren't really popular they just act a certain way, if
popular means having lots of friends then I'm popular but I'm in No way shape or
form a prep, hell I don't even wear make up. But I'm friends with tons of
people. Popular or cool is what you make it, I mean there are certain boundries
as to what's cool and what's not for instance Steve Urkle is not and never will
be cool in the trendy way. Alot of people think he's cool because he's a nerd
but he doesn't really care. Cool and popular are all relative, can you people
PLEASE get over it. Being popular isn't the end all be all especially if you
don't even like a certain groups ideals and fads. I'm begining to get a serious
Mary sue vibe of this character.
Hobbies:
Designing clothes: Azucena loves too draw clothes in hoping that one day
she can actually make them and use them in a fashion show.
Vessy: Why does she like designing clothes? Does she
want to go to fashion school or just design in her spar time? Wearable or
fantastical clothes?
Dissy: And yet she hates the fashion obsessive
people…hm….
Singing: Azucena loves to sing, in big crowds in front of an audience or by
her self, she loves to sing and will do it all day.
Vessy: Does she take any lessons? been in any musicals?
shows? Talent shows? Why does she like to sing? does she have a certain style
she's good at? Is she in a chior or does she like solo work?
Dissy: As far as all the hobbies and likes and dislikes
have to go, I don’t see how on earth they relate to the actual Proserpina in the
slightest. You might outline that for me.
Writing: she loves to write, she writes lyrics, stories, poems, all that
stuff, English is her favorite subject.
Vessy: Is she any good at it? Does she try writing
music to go along with her lyrics? What types of stories or poems? High angst?
Or light inspirational? Depressed melodrama? What come on details
please!
Personality:
Azucena is a nice girl who cares about the well being of others and can be
hurt very easily, not physical but emotionally. If someone hurts her she'll
be down for days crying or not talking, letting the image keep on playing in her
head. If one of her friends get hurt she'll loose the shyness and stand up for
them, even if she gets insulted herself, she won't care as long as her friend is
being stood up for. She'll do anything to make people like her... like a girl
she doesn't know is being bullied, she'll run up and block the blow or stand up
for the girls rights asking them ' how would you feel if this happened too you'
she would keep on going till they get the point. Azucena is just one of those
weird emotion girls. She is a cancer all the way, she can get jealous really
easily about anything and I mean anything she doesn't show it though, she wants
all the best for her friends and will support them all the way in what ever they
are doing in life, whether its joining the popular group, moving away or going
on a 2 month vacation to another country. Though all together in life she's a
quite, calm girl that loves life to the fullest in everyway, and wants to see
the next day.
Vessy: First off, WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY to short this
hardly gives us any detail. God she's such a grey character could you get any
more 1 dimensional.
The attributes of her are:
Hurt easily, highly emotional, thin skinned, stands up
for her friends, supportive of her friends, shy, jealous, calm, lives life to
the fullest.
I mean come on give her more character. Although I will
give you credit for making her true to Cancerian form. But still, I'm sensing
the Mary sue character creeping in again. Also, again with the popular people.
Is she that insecure? If she is could you just describe her as being insecure?
I'm also not getting wether she's quiet or outgoing? Everyones a mixture of
both, but everyone also leans more to one side or the other. Why doesn't she
show her jealousy? Is she afraid that if she shows her jealous nature her
friends will leave her? or is she just
naturally that emotionally introverted (not showing emotions on the outside)?
Why does she stand up to people? Is she like people bully me so I won't let it
happen to other people? How emotional is she? Is it like "Could you go away for
a sec please I need to talk to so and so alone" "Okay fine *sob* I can see I'm
not wanted here. You probly are going to go talk about me behind my back! No
Don't speak I know you hate me" *runs off and cries in the bathroom until it's
time to go home* or like "Your and evil hateful bitch and I hate you and your
whole family cus your ugly and unpopular *continues ranting*" "I'm so hurt"
*tear* *is fine again*? Come on gives us something to work with here! This needs
to be seriously longer, I mean come on! It's actually longer than you history
which is REALLY sad! Hell MY Comments are longer, we need alot more detail and a
much more dimensional personality before you could even be able to play this
character with any real grasp of what your doing. Your personality is so
incredibly confusing all I get is some rather depressed, jealous type person who
stands up for people. and what kind of stuff is she jealous about? School?
Clothes? Boys? What? *coughMarysuecough*
Dissy: Iff…I see, I see…Mary Sue! Dear god it’s Mary
sue! Sorry, but this is very much the personality of a Mary Sue and aside from
that, it’s really short and just not all that detailed.
History:
Azucena was born in the one of the richest spots in Rome. The house
was big and was located near water; the house had a lot of marble in it and had
paintings that her dad drew of her mom. Too shorten it up it was a lovely house.
Two years later her father got sick and died from a known dieses to them.
Azucena didn't know what was going on all she knew was that her dad was in a
better place. A few days later she was reading, and saying her alphabet with the
help of her nanny. When she was 5 she started to play outside and learning
the ways of nature. Her nanny taught her a lot about nature because her
mother was never home. In first grade she was a quite girl who never spoke a
word, not answering any questions always getting picked on by the bullies of
that school. When she was 10 she started playing in sports with other
people making friends really fast, she gained a liking for make-up and getting
her bad mouth for standing for her friends, she joined track and got gold in her
first year. She quit 2 years later because of a sprained ankle. Azucena is in
high school and enjoying life at the fullest with her friends and nanny.
As she always says "she's letting life hit her at full force so she can hit it
back with a bat."
Vessy: Wholey Mary sue batman! It's a girl who's really
good at a whole lot of things (sports included) who's really rich with an
incredibly tragic past. What disease did her dad have? I mean come on pick one!
Cancer? Diabeties? Aids? Car accident? Alcohol poisoning? I asume you meant
disease by dieses, that sentance whole made little sense it did. She was reading
at the age of two okay add exceptionally smart to the list of Mary Sue
attributes. Why did she get a nanny? where he mum during all this? You mean
before she was 5 she was never allowed to play outside? never went to the park,
that's one over controlled child. Why was her mom never home? Not even in the
evenings? I mean I know she'd have to work but hello weekends. Watch your
punctuation please, it's really kinda messed. She quite track because of ONE
sprained ankle? I mean come on she got a gold in her first year she's got to be
good, and sprained ankles are part of any sport especially track. What about
those bullies you mentioned? Are they the ones you mentioned bullied her in
Grade one? Is she STILL obsessing about that? If so COME ON, IT WAS GRADE ONE
GET OVER IT! If not then what bullies? Bullies? Looking for bullies! Where did
she gain her like for make up? Is she an only child? Where'd she get the bad
mouth (I mean other than any italian road way) She's in Highschool and she STILL
has a Nanny? Hello she's 16 years old, she's old enough to BE a nanny. Why was
she so quiet in first garde? What made her become the stander upper vigilante
she is today? Come on please we need more, again WAY WAY WAY WAY to short and
again my comments are longer than the actual blurb.
Dissy: Again, very short. Also, in Rome even most rich
people live in flats, not houses. A large triple layer flat I could see if it
were the rich part of town, but the whole big house thing, that would require
moving out of Rome and into the countryside
NPCs:
Bara Kanya (rose maiden) black hair, auburn eyes standing 5'2", is her only
living family member...her mother from Japan, her mom met her dad in the streets
of Japan, one being an artist the other a singer. The bumped into each other and
it was... as her mom puts it, "love at first site". They moved to Rome because
that's where he was from. Now her mother is never home, always working so she
can pay for the house, her mother is really nice, she has a beautiful singing
voice and is a lovely women. She is a singer and model. She loves it when
Azucena has friends over, when she is home because she loves to bake cookies and
stuff like that......... till the boyfriend thing starts. She tells her daughter
if you have a boyfriend invent him over when I'm not home, if you don't he'll be
dead. Like mother, like daughter?? I guess so.
Vessy: she wants her to invent her boyfriend when she's
not home? The Mom is almost as one dimensional as her daughter. *sighs* and
JAPAN. NO. She has to work full time as a singer and a model. Neither of
those are a really likely combination and neither are really destined to rake in
the big bucks or really many bucks unless you make it pretty big. What type of a
singer is she? I'm guessing she's a pop star type singer since that seems to be
the trend. Does she do any other part time work than singer/model? How did she
feel about her husbands death? Why didn't she get them to move back to Japan if
the only thing bringing her to Italy was her husband. and how come none of the asian casting shows through into azu? If
she had a Japanese mum and an Italian dad why is she so pale? What sort of build
is she?
Moana Estelle Adi (Ocean Star Jewel) is Azucena nanny and best friend
from Hawaii, her name Moana Means Ocean in Hawaiian which to Azucena she sees
how she got the name, Moana has indigo black hair, with wild stormy blue
eyes. She taught Azucena all about life and nature and how she should respect
it, in all ways. She believes that Azucena will be famous but destiny has
something up their sleeve for her, like they always do. She loves it when
Azucena has friends
over, she always says, "one friend is better then none,
even if it's nature that's you friend keep them and stand up for them".
Vessy: Oh god, she couldn't have be foriegner so
she brought a foreign mom AND nanny. Again why does she have a Nanny if she's
16? and if Moana is Hawaiian how come she came to ITALY (other side of the
world, Literally) to work? Whats her build like? Whats her personality? I
hate to say it but this is probly the best character in this app I've seen so
far. Is she sweet and grandmothery always sneaking treats? Is she like mary
poppins or more like Mrs. Doubtfire?
Dissy: Hey! where’d the NPC’s go? Not even a full
application. Aside from that, what do animals have to do with spring> Baby
animals, yes, but not animals in general, that’s cutting into Fauna’s power base
a whole lot.
Vessy: Her NPC's are right there *points
upwards*
Part III: Senshi Information
Special Skills: Azucena is skilled at talking to animals, epically durning
spring, and the
animals don't talk to her directly, it's like ESP, she can
see through their eyes and know what
they are thinking.
Vessy: Umm... no. Try more like really good at gardenin
(green thumb) or good with animals,
Henshin Item: a small fist sized light blue ball with her symbol printed in
sliver on it. She takes it wherever she wants to, because it's on her necklace
under her shirt.
Vessy: It's not a ball it's a blue disk-like pendant
thing (O) the outside trim is silver and the inside part is a jewel that's the
color of your senshi, in this case it would be azure colored not blue. Besides
that would be one might conspicuos henshin item, *giggles* it'd be like a thrid
boob! *ROTFL*
Transformation: "Proserpina Deus Power Make-Up!" Azucena removes the ball
from the necklace and puts her hand together while holding the ball in the air
she throws her head to the side as the ribbon from her hair falls out. She
throws her head back and closes her eyes. The ball glows blue creating a eerie
blue light around her. When the light fades her body is wrapped in a light
blue ribbon, she puts her head back and opens her eyes, the symbol appears.
She put her hands across her chest, the ball placed on her right shoulder. She
raises one foot in the air and the ribbon on the feet disappear and her shoes
are there instead. She removes her hand as her bodice appears. She spins making
the ribbon fall off her chocker, wristbands, skirt, skit flaps and armor. She
raise her hand in the air as an animal comes with her staff. She grabs it bows
and she posses with her feet together arms crossed across her chest, staff in
her right hand and she is looking to her left. Her symbol appears behind her in
silver and cherry blossoms fall.
Vessy: A) what kind of animal brings her staff B)
couldn't you have thought of somthing more originally spring like, say for
instance a watering can (or if you lived where I do, Alberta, you'd pick a snow
shoevel ^-^ ) or something cool like that? I mean staff's are so over used! C)
That's sort of a dull end pose d) Cherry blossoms? This is ITALY not
Japan.
Color: azure
Symbol: Azucena symbol is a 2D tulip with a butterfly like antenna sticking
out of the middle picture is here symbol.com called it saltpeter
flower.
Fuku/Costume:
Symbol: azure on the forehead
Chocker:
azure with her symbol in the center
Collar: azure
Henshin
broach: azure with a silver casing
Vessy: But you just said it was blue and a ball!
where'd the casing come from. But actually keep it to the standard design please
and thankies.
Bodice: white with an azure stripe on the bottom.
Armor: silver with
an azure stripe going around the edge of the breast plate and shoulder
plate
Wristband: brown leather with her symbol in azure on the front right
band
Vessy: Cus y'know thats original, can we have one
person with gloves. It'd be neat for a prossy to have like gardening type
gloves!
Skirt: azure
Skirt flaps: brown with an azure ivy design going up
the front two
Boots: high heel azure sandals the tie up half way to her knee
with light ribbon
Powers/Attacks:
Summoning Spring:
As Azucena says this, she puts her staff in front of her face, focusing on
the move, she thinks of the spell she wants to cast, as soon as she focuses on
the spell she spins the staff around twice, making it face the yoma, If she
summons a bunch of vines, the world around her changes green and a bunch of
trees grow behind the yoma. Two vines will wrap around the legs, then the arms
and sometimes the body and neck. It doesn't hurt them, just stops them from
attacking till fire is used, so the scuts can hit them eaiser. Or she can summon
cherry blossoms. For this the world turns black, the ball on top of the staff
turn pink and cherry blossoms start to swirl around it, they get bigger and
bigger till they start swirling around Azucena, she spins her staff and guides
the cherry blossoms to follow, she sends them flying at the yoma making a snow
storm of sharp cherry. It cuts the yomas life down by half. Azucena can use the
vine attack as many times as she wants though it can be dodged, while the cherry
blossom move is rare, and can't be dodged or anything like that. Though when
it's used she gets tired really easily.
Vessy: Okay that's TWO attacks disguised as one. Again
Italy NOT Japan. How do the cherry blossoms drain life? do they like touch the
youma and shinily sucks the life out of do they slice it up or do they just
magically drain all it's magical negative energy by being all swirly and pretty
and the youmas all NO NO! Not pretty flower petals as life is expended by his
horror? Wouldn't it just be eisier to shoot vines a la spider man or shoot them
out of her staff rather than randomly growing stuff?
Weapons: Spring Summoner
A large staff that's the size of her mom
and weighs barely anything. The staff is brown with silver aceincent writing at
the bottom spelling out the words Spring but appears Spring .The staff has
silver cherry blossoms going from the top to bottom looking like they are
falling around the staff. The top of the staff has a small silver crystal ball
that is being held up by V shaped opening on the top. The silver ball has
Azucena's symbol with a cherry blossom behind it. In human form the staff is
with her Henshin Item under her shirt on a necklace, but insteed of a ball it's
a crystal.
Vessy: *Is tempted with a Your Momma joke*
Vessy: Okay so it's 5'2" long and is really incredibly
light. What's it made out of? wood? It is written Spring in some ancient
lettering (maybe old english/"Italian") and appears to spell spring. You
could've just said it says spring on it, would've saved you typing stuff. Are
the cherry blossoms engraved. and ENOUGH with the cherry blossoms! what about
grape type vines they're Italian.
Part IV: Miscellaneous Information
Why you: Why I'm I writting this I don't know, I'm new to the world of
Rpg's and I'm proud of it, I saw this webpage on Anime Web Turnpike. I entered
it, read the story and became interested, but the thing is I didn't know how to
make a character suit your needs, her she is the lovely Sailor Proserpina, that
I created. She is done how you want all the scouts done, and a picture is with
this as well. Why me.....I don't know why you should choose me........I'm new to
this... like I already said, I'm good at HTML so I can make a good page....and
lastly........I don't know what to do to make you choose me....I joined a few
before.but no one...likes my characters....you can be like them and reject my
character.....but please email me and tell me why I wasn't choosen.
Vessy: Well I'm sorry no one likes your characters, I
think the main reason is their fairly Mary Sue-ish (yourself inserted into your
character a little too much) or that they don't have enough detail, I know it's
hard to get going in rpg's, there are lots of tutorials around to help you with
character creation, and reading everything on the rpg's site and reading the
characters that hve already been accepted's profiles will often help you see
what they want in characters. Reading rejected apps will also help you see what
mistakes not to make. One thing you should always do is once you've finished
your app (don't send it right away) take a day or two away from it and come back
and read the entire thing through begining to end and look for spelling
mistakes, sentances that don't make sense and words put in the wrong place or
words that are switched (Their, There) that sort of thing. Getting other people
to read it over before you submit it can be helpful too. If you'd like to know
how to make the character suite the RPG's needs read the other profiles and see
how she would relate to each character, talk to the GM and other members of the
RPG almost everyone would be really willing to answer any questions you have.
and then there's my little pet prject RPG Factory,
http://www.geocities.com/rpg_factory/ It's still entirelly in the works but perhaps it will give
you a little more insight into alot of topics It's a little more indepth on some
topics than S6 and RPG de Freak, and I'm hoping to cover everything I cna think
of (with a little help from some other people ^-^;; But I hope these will give
you some ideas.
Look I know I'm a harsh reviewer, it's just part of my
nature, I'm just trying to make people create the best character that they can.
In fact we'd really like you to join, but perhaps with another character, I'd be
completely willing to help you (or anybody else for that matter) with anything
in any (for this RPG or any other) app they need help with. Anyone can contact
me ANY time Through e-mail ([email protected], [email protected] ) or any instant messanger (Icq: 60331654, MSN: [email protected], aim: epyonloading, yahoo: cyberiachic) or leave a message on the
message board asking for help with anything.
Miscellaneous: I'm new in the world of RPG's.
Vessy: Welcome to RPG-in in general, take your time I'm
sure you'll fit right in.
Part V: The Writing Sample
Azucena rolled over in her
bed as her alarm went off.' Stupid clock' she thought'let me sleep'. She rolled
over to face the clock to see
what time it was 'uh oh, school starts in half
in hour.... better get up' she thought. She got out of bed and walked to her
walk in closet.
She put on her mothers light blue shirt with a cherry
blossom scene on it. She put on her light blue Capri's and her white sandals.
She walked to her mirror and started to put her make-up on. She fixed her
hair and tied it up in a pony tail with an azure ribbon.'
There' she thought
'uh oh better hurry and eat breakfast'. She ran downstairs
yelling "Moana, what's for breakfast, I'm going to be late for school if it's
something big!"
"No, it's not, your mother told me to give you this," Moana
told her as she handed her a bag and book bag "Now go, before your
late!"
Azucena raced to school making it 2 minutes before the bell
'Well I made it' she thought.
"Kanya!" yelled the teacher
"Here" Azucena
replied
She went through all her courses well, In English her story got an A,
in history her project got a B and so on. At lunch while she was
eating she
heard a fight. 'Better see what's going on' she thought.
"HEY!" Azucena
yelled as she saw what was going on "Leave that girl alone or else"
"Or else
what?" said one of the bullies
"Or you have to fight me," she
replied
~After the fight and school ends~
'My head hurts' Azucena
thought
"Hey it's the girl, lets chase her again" said one boy
"Yah , she
can't run very fast" said another
"GET HER!" they all yelled
"Ahhhhh"
Azucena yelled as she ran down the street ' Great how do I get out of this
one'
Azucena ran down the street, went left, then right and ran
straight to the house
"Azucena home already?" asked Moana "Don't you have
track?"
"Cancelled" replied Azucena " I need to study for my test
and...........where's Mom?"
"Mrs. Kanya isn't home yet"
"Oh, well tell her
I said hi, if she comes home late and I'm in bed"
"Ok"
Azucena ran
to her room and cried 'Why is my mother never home anymore, she sings, she
dances, she models but she never looks
after me....WHY?!" thought
Azucena
"Sweetie what's wrong?" a voice yelled from behind the
door.
"Mom?" asked Azucena
"Yes it's me"
'Oh no what do, I do'
Vessy: Okay well the story has potential but everything
was so listed it didn't really feel like a story at all. Try picking one moment
during the day like just the period from when she work up to when she had
breakfast and describe it.
Ex:
Azucena rolled over in bed cursing the sunny
cheerful sunlight pouring through the open window. Rubbing her eyes she tried to
gain a focus on her sleep fogged room. Blinking away the nights sleep she
glanced over at the radiated dial of her alarm clock. The cheerful music
throbbing from the little clock radio invaded her conciousness as she realized
with a start she was already half an hour late. In her efforts to get out
of bed her foot got tangled in the sheets and she tumbled to the floor with
a thump. Rubbing her head she padded to the washroom and stripped off her
pajamas. Hopping into the shower she turned on the water not even waiting
for it to warm up. Scrubbing her hair quickly she rinsed and hopped out towling
dry as she half walked have ran to her closet tearing a pretty blye cherry
blossom shirt from the hanger and tossing on a pair of pale blue capris.
Running the brush through her hair a couple times she managed to splash on a
little bit of eyeshadow and blush, barely having time to apply mascara she
stamped down the short flight of stairs to the kitchen where Moana handed her a
brown paper bag containing a muffin and a juice box and her small blue canvas
back pack before ushering her out the door. With a smile and a wave Azu jogged
off towards her school desperatley trying to make it before the
bell.
true it's not very long but it doesn't have to be. Try
writing about a smaller point in time instead of the whole day and putting lots
and lots of detail and flow into it instead of listing all the events of her
day. Why don't you try writing about the fight (Not blow by blow) But sorta like
"No! Don't that's my bag give it back." The little boy jumped futiley at the
bigger boys grasp on his school bag. The cries of frustration drew Azu's
attention to the pair. Dropping her sandwich she rose resolutly from the Table
and crossed the grass. "Give it back, Or else!" Write about what she did in her
boring science class. What happened when she arrived late to her first class
because she over slept. Did the teacher yell at her? Focus on the little things
not the big picture,
-------------------------------------
Vessy: Okay you have a good idea going but you don't
have the experience to make it really good. I'd really really like you to
re-apply (either with prossy or with another character) Contact me and I'll give
you any help you need My contacts are listed above.
But as this character stands It needs alot more
expansion and alot more revisions. I'd suggest building the
character/personality around the premise of Gemini it may be easier for you to
write some one more out going and less emotionally unstable. Loose the people
chasing her thing that's kinda pointless and focus on one thing at a time. Read
through my comments and suggestions, they may help alot.
Verdict - Reject, Revise
Dissy: This application isn’t even complete and it is
choppy and really not something I would have reviewed if I’d realized that
before I’d started.
Verdict: Auto-Reject
Vessy: Okay I dun know what your talking about, the app was technically comlete but extremeley sparse. Your e-mail is screwed.