Cicel had home to an empty house that night. The walls loomed over her small body as she sunk to the floor. She had only made it inside the door before losing her grasp on reality. There had been to many people there that day. She had been coerced into reading her final lyrics in front of the whole room. There had just been too many pairs of eyes searching her for vulnerability. To much judgment, she couldn't stand it.
So she had come home, hoping that by some miracle, by the grace of God JC would be there. That for some reason he had left mid-tour and come home to be with her. She could see him in her minds eyes, standing there ready to hold her and make sure she was sane. But he wasn't there. There was no miracle, there was no relief to incessant pounding in her head. She made her way to the bedroom and calmly searched through the drawers, trying find something to help. She frantically pulled out an old sweatshirt and buried her face into it. His smell was still there, just enough to soothe her.
But it didn't cure it for long she reached for the phone and dialed his number. Whispering the same words over and over while rocking back and forth. "please pick up, please be there, please pick up, please be there, please pick up, please be there." He never answered. She dialed his beeper, and had to steady her hand to dial her number in. Then she waited.
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
JC was in crisis mode as they had just found out that the last track had not been printed on the first issues of published CD's. People were running everywhere. "I need you over here Jace NOW!" he heard someone yell his name and he didn't think, it was automatic.
"Sign this." came from another non-familiar face. He reached over and scribbled his name on the paper.
"Hey can you get me a cup of coffee" he said taking a seat at the large table. He heard his cell phone go off, and looked down at it. His hand was in mid-movement when Johnny spoke.
"Get that later JC, put those damn things away, I need you over here." With out a second thought he set his phone and beeper on the table, and walked out of the room. The phone continued to ring a few times...no one heard.
The next day was just as busy. Not fulfilling just busy. He and several other people road the elevator up to the top floor. He stood in the back, crowed into a corner. He dialed the number yet again. No answer. "She's probably out, don't worry about it" Johnny reasoned. He nodded.
It was one of those meetings. The kind drag out so long you want to scratch your eyes out. He could hear people talking, but he wasn't listening. Their mouths were moving, droning the same figures over and over, and then he felt it. It was a lot like being in mid-slumber and jerking awake. His whole body felt it. His legs stiffened. His muscle contracted. "You ok?" Justin asked from beside him.
"Yeah, I was just dozing off I guess." He tried to play it off. He relaxed back into the chair. There was a simultaneous break in the bickering and the room was silent. He's phone rang only ounce before he had it out. Time stopped, and all eyes were on him. He stood up preparing to leave the room. The big shot, singer who was too important to wait to answer his calls. Who was too impatient to take a message. He flipped it open. "Yeah" he said quietly. It was at that moment that all thirty-seven people in the room witnessed the end of his life. They watched as he tried to figure out who the call was from. His face first inquisitive, then it dropped.
"Yes, that's me" he said quietly freezing in mid-step. "Oh god" he whispered as the phone dropped from his hands. Justin saw his knees buckle first, he bolted from his chair and caught the older man's body mid-air.
"What the hell is going on?" A businessman asked, not understanding the seriousness of the situation.
"JC?" Justin said studying his face. JC couldn't breathe. His chest was too tight. He felt wound, would up so tight was going burst. It couldn't be, but it was. They had to be wrong, but they weren't. There had to be a mistake, but their wasn't. She couldn't be gone, but she was.
"Cicel, she..." was all he said before her broke down. Broke down into Justin's arms. He didn't think, he didn't care. He just wept. Johnny picked up his phone. The room was silent all except for JC cries.
"What happened?" Some one asked as the phone flipped shut. JC could hear it shut, it sounded so loud. They were closing his connection. His last touch, his last feeling. His body heaved.
"She killed herself" Johnny said quietly.
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
JC sat in his apartment at he kitchen table, the tape in his hand. The tape she had left for him. The tape the policeman had given him at the scene. "The scene of the accident." As they called it. It had already been a week, a week of hell, of loneliness. Seven days of unbearable emptiness. Hours of regret hanging over his head. Of all the things she could have done, of all the things he could have done. If he had only answered when she called. It was his fault.
He could imagine her lying there, her body wrapped in his sweater. That sweater was so old, he hadn't worn it in months, maybe years. But she picked it. He could almost see her picking up the pills one by one, and swallowing. He clenched his fists and looked down at the tape recorder. It was so her, to leave him her voice instead of handwriting. He ran his hand over his chin, the thick stubble he had interest in keeping shaven. There was no reason. He finally just pushed the button.
::Play::
"Hey" her voice started out. He could already hear her breathing was shallow. He squeezed his eyes shut and he wanted to stop listening but he couldn't. "I just ummmm I tried calling you, I guess you were busy. Of course you were busy you said you were going to be today." She ran on. "Anyway...I can't do it anymore. I can't live. The people they are just too....too different from me, from you. They would never understand me like you do. They can't, because...because they wouldn't take the time." He listened to her voice, untamed raw, then he heard her start to cry, but she fought to keep speaking.
He ran his hand over the steal butt of the gun. It was so cold.
"I was thinking about you a lot today...do you remember last year at this time when we would sit in that one park. You know the one next to the studio, I can't remember the name. You remember watching the leaves fall?, I don't know why but I always think of that when I think of you. I don't want this to be too long. I know how you are, I know you'll be upset. I'm sorry for that. But....uhh this hurts a little more than I thought it would" His face jerked in pain as he heard her voice grow weaker. "But I love you, I want you to know that."
His thoughts trailed off as her voice kept invading his ears. He picked up the gun, and ran his thumb over the hard edge. He remembered a night not to long ago. He had lain there watching her. He wanted to touch her again, but he restrained himself. She looked directly at him, her eyes clear of thoughts for the first time sense he had known her. "I love you" she had said. Her words echoed in him now. She had kissed him lightly and brought back all the emotion of their love making which had ended only moments before. He had buried his head in her hair and whispered the words back, meaning them whole heartedly.
His hand clenched over the gun as he raised it. He let out a stiff chuckle. "Some God you are!" he yelled looking up. His body tense. "Just give me something and then take it away? Do you enjoy it?" He said. His religious faith ounce had crumbled in a matter of days. He felt betrayed. He couldn't
hear the tape playing anymore. The cold metal of the small machine pressed against his temple.
He closed his eyes and pulled the trigger.
The shot rang out. Breaking through the cold fall air. Bouncing off the side street walls. Resonating through the city, an upward, never stopping. The sound pushing itself onward, teasing anyone who heard it. His body fell lifeless from the chair and hit the cold tile floor. He lied face down, the life now soul gone from his human form.
Then there was silence.
Complete stillness.
But the tape was still playing by this time her voice was low a groggy as she finished. Her words floated off the tape over JC and through the apartment, he never heard her final words. "Anyway baby, you make sure you take care of yourself OK? I finished the song today, and I want to read it to you before I go now.
If it starts to snow
Well then it starts to snow
If we feel it go
Then we should let it go
I know this little place
That's big enough to hide
And if we stay real close
We both can fit inside
And if we lose control
Well then we losed control
But be sure that I'll be there
To help you make it through
'Cause I'd sure love to be there
Looking back with you...�
The End!
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