Dear Employee:
Re: Voluntary Retirement Scheme
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are
forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus
permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who
are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the
company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before
actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called
SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who
have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED
twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
HARD (Half Average pay as Retirement Dues) or CRAP (Combined Retirement Assistance Payment).
As HARD and CRAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received
HARD or CRAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management also wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the
company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT
our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company
in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the
job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you
can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
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