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Nuns Out Of Gas:
Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them. Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can. Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye. While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
Good But Stingy:
He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees. One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps. After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees. Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"
The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"
Just to show you what it feels like:
The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home.
He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling: 'CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!'
The wife is very upset: 'what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?'
The husband calmly replies: 'This is to show you what it feels like, when I am driving and you sit next to me...'
I think I'll just wait:
A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars are wreck, but luckily no one was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, 'Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed. Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.' The man replied, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! ' The woman continued, 'and look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. The man asked, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replied, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police.
God Will Provide:
A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance and the girl's father go into the study for a man-to-man talk. 'So, what are you doing right now?' asks the father. 'I am a theology scholar,' replies the fiance. 'Do you have any plans of employment?' 'I will study and God will provide.' 'What about the children?' asks the man. 'God will provide.' 'And your house and car?' 'Again, God will provide,' says the fiance. After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, 'So what did you two talk about?' The man replies, 'He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God.'
Apples:
While visiting a friend in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one of the nurses what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away.
Training the Cat:
The couple's young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To her mother's distress, the cat began to use the back of their new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," her husband reassured her. "I'll have him trained in no time." They watched for several days as he patiently "trained" their new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, he deposited the cat outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
Forgetful:
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there. "So I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for only one or two beats, then answered in his kindliest tones, "Pay me in advance."
Who was that old guy?
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Just Wondering:
Why do they ask if you are going to tell the truth in court? If you're planning to lie, wouldn't you just start there?
Since television is abbreviated TV, why isn't telephone abbreviated TP?
What are reading glasses called when you are looking at pictures?
Is there another word for synonym?
If your clone kills you, is it suicide?
If we quit voting will they all go away?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram?"
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Shouldn't an alarm go "on?"
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
May I just have a chance to prove that money can't make me happy?
My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
How can there be self-help "groups?"
Why do they call it instant credit when it actually means instant debt?
Shouldn't life insurance really be called death insurance?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
When did ignorance become a point of view?
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
Since coffee is made from beans does that make it a vegetable?
Why is it that only confused people think they aren't?
Why do we press harder on remote-control buttons when you know the battery is dead?
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Why are round pizzas put in square boxes?
If a man's wife is his better half, and he marries twice, what becomes of him?
Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?
Limes are green and lemons are yellow. Did they get lazy while naming oranges?
Does wearing leather all the time make cows the coolest animals ever?
Would anyone in denial ever admit it?
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