The New Librarian:
The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."

Newly Promoted:
Sam was excited about his promotion to Vice President at the company where he worked and kept bragging about it, for weeks on end, to his wife.
Finally, she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing! They even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Then, playing along with his wife, Sam called the grocery store.
A clerk answered and Sam said, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"

Seeking Calm:
A man was walking through the park pushing his son in a stroller. The child was crying at the top of his voice and try as he might, his father could not calm him down. On the verge of despair he said, "Take it easy, Billy, it'll eventually be okay."
A woman passing stopped to remark, "How nicely you treat Billy. You are such a sweet man, it's very obvious that you love your son very much."
The startled man replied, "Ma'am, I am Billy."

Boasting Kids:
A boy was boasting about his father to a classmate.
'My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?'
'Yes,' said his classmate.
'My dad built it!'
Then the other kid spoke: 'And do you know the Dead Sea?'
'Yes.'
'It was my dad who killed it!'

Smart retort:
Several years after he worked with a glamorous Hollywood diva, a cinematographer was asked to work with her again on another movie. After seeing a few samples of the footage, the star complained, "I don't like this at all. I was looking radiantly beautiful in the first film that you shot. In this I am looking like an old hag.�
Perhaps, ma'am," replied the cinematographer, "it has something to do with the fact that I was ten years younger then."

I Remember
An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to visit their doctor.
After conducting thorough physicals, the doctor told the couple that they were in good shape for people of their advanced years. He did suggest that they might want to start writing things down -- making notes -- to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top of the strawberries. I know you will forget that, so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember ice cream, strawberries and whipped cream!" He then stormed into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment, looks at him accusingly and says, "You forgot my toast."

A Dog�s Life:
A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is well founded.
"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."

New English:
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

And it was so...
'God created the mule,' and told him, 'you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.'
The mule answered: 'to live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will be Dog, and hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'
And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, 'you are Monkey, and you shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.'
And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, 'you are Man; the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.'
And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.' And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to muse his grandchildren.

A person cannot do right in one department whilst attempting to do wrong in another department. Life is one indivisible whole.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Is it possible to grow wiser without knowing it? One hopes so. We all hope so.

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.

When the game is over, the king and the pawn go into the same box.

No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

You long for success? Start at the bottom; dig down.

When the situation is desperate, it is too late to be serious. Be playful.

The purpose of morality is to teach you, not to suffer and die, but to enjoy yourself and live.

Men in general judge more from appearances than from reality. All men have eyes, but few have the gift of penetration.