Working Together:
A man bought several acres of wasteland and, within a year, had turned it into a thriving produce farm.

The local pastor stopped by and complimented the man on his vast progress. Then he added, "Wondrous things can surely happen when man and God work together."

"Amen," said the man, "but you should've seen the place when God was running it alone."

Bats in the Belfry:
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I have tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said, "Yea, me too. I have hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... They won't be back until Easter or Christmas!!!"

Half a Cake:
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She had made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they had eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

Bumpy Landing:
An airliner experienced an unusually bumpy landing. After they had taxied to the terminal, the sheepish pilot took his regular station at the door, telling the passengers, "Thanks for flying with us."

In light of his bad landing, he was fully prepared to grin and bear it should anyone make a comment. But no one had, and the only passenger left coming down the aisle was a little old lady walking with a cane.

She stopped at the door and turned to him. "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, "said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady asked, "Were we shot down?"

Just a Question:
A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, 'what was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.'
The teacher answered quickly, 'That would be the Titanic.' St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:
'How many people died on the ship?' Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. '1,228,' he answered.
‘That is right! You may enter.'


St. Peter turned to the lawyer. 'Name them.'

Come Again?
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he was unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"From $2.00 to $2,000," replied the clerk.

"Let's see the two-dollar model," the man said. The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your shirt pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" the customer asked.

"Oh, the two-dollar model doesn't work," the salesman replied.

"But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

Chinese Jews:
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. 'Sid,' asked Al, 'are there any Jews in China?'
'I don't know,' Sid replied. 'Why don't we ask the waiter?'
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Chinese Jews?'
'I don't know sir, let me ask,' the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, 'No, sir. No, Chinese Jews.'
'Are you sure?' Al asked.
'I will check again, sir,' the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, 'I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.'
When the waiter returned he said, 'Sir, no Chinese Jews.'
'Are you really sure?' Al asked again. 'I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.'

'Sir, I ask everyone,' the waiter replied exasperated. 'We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews.'

Japan's quality standard:
This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings. They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they would accept three defective parts per 10,000. When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. 'We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you.'

It’s Possible:
During a trial, a lawyer cross-examines a doctor about a victim's death.
Q: 'Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?'
A: 'No'
Q: 'Did you check for breathing?'
A: 'No'
Q: 'So then it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?'
A: 'No'
Q: 'How can you be so sure, doctor?'
A: 'Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.'
Q: 'But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?'
A: 'It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.'

Some differences are necessary to resolve other differences.

All the differences between man and women must always be the same, if they are to be equal.

Messages from God are either “credits” or “ Debits”.

Those who work for God are never unemployed.

Everyone has a right to live right and a choice to live wrong.

A penny, a Dollar or a man that does not say “ IN GOD WE TRUST”, may be counter-feit.

God is waiting to see what man will do next, and he is waiting to see what He will do next.

A sin is wrong because it disturbs the harmony.

A child not taught that wrong is not right, may come to believe that what is not right, is not wrong.

All bodies are programmed to un-body.