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Irresistible:
Finding a bottle on the beach, Jake uncorks it and releases a genie.
"Ah, now you get three wishes," says the genie.
"Great!" Jake replies. "First, I want one billion dollars."
Poof! There's a flash, and a paper with Swiss bank account numbers appears in jake's hand.
"Next, I want a nice ocean-side house in Hawaii."
Poof! Another flash, and he is holding the deed to an ocean side property in Hawaii.
"Finally," Jake says, "I want to be irresistible to women."
Poof! There's another blinding flash, ...and Jake turns into a box of chocolates.
What will he be?
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.
The father told the mother, 'If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a
drunkard.'
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: 'Darn, it's even worse than I ever
imagined...'
'What do you mean?' his wife inquired.
'Our son is going to be a politician!' replied the father.
Found Guilty:
A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer,
knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick:
'Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,' the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
'Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.'
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said,� Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.'
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
'But how?' inquired the lawyer. 'You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.'
The jury foreman replied, 'we looked, all right. But your client didn't.'
Just to tell that:
This L.A. guy bought a brand new Mercedes, and as luck would have it, he pulls up to a stoplight next to a guy who has the same car.
They eyed each other and the other guy said, 'You got a phone in yours?'
'Yes, I've got a phone!'
'You got a TV?'
'Yes, I've got a TV!'
'You got a bed in yours?'
'A bed??? No!' he replies dejectedly.
The light changed and they took off. This got to working on the guy. He thought he had everything. So, he turns around and drives straight to the dealership and tells them he wants a bed put in. They tell him that Mercedes don't come with beds, but the man was adamant and demanded a bed be
installed. Finally, they said they'd figure out a way.
The guy picks up his car and for the next two weeks drives all over L.A. looking for that guy to show him that he had a bed, too. He finally spots the car in a parking lot and pulls in beside it. He gets out and knocks on the window.
No answer. He knocks again. No answer. He starts to walk away when the window rolls slowly down a bit and the guy growls, 'What do you want?'
He says, 'I got a bed in my car!'
The guy replies, 'you got me out of the shower just to tell me that?'
Three Envelops:
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who
was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. 'Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve,' he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit�s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, 'Blame your predecessor.'
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied
with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street --responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, 'Reorganize.' This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, 'Prepare three envelopes.'
Make her feel good and young:
Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday today.
At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and
excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.
She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, 'Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.'
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, '$59 and they didn't even iron it!'
Java market is down:
Once old man was sitting in a park reading book "Learn C++ in 21 days".
A passer by saw him and asked, "You are such an old guy, why do you bother to learn C++?"
"I have heard that now communication language at heaven is C++ only, so after my death when I will be in heaven, I don't want to face any communication problem." old man replied.
"But how are you so sure that you will be in heaven? It could be a hell also. he asked.
"Ya doesn�t matter.... I already know Java".
Cute Proverbs:
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
Better To Be Safe Than. .. Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of.. Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Cant Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust... Me!
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where there's Smoke, There is... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two is Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh & The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry & You Have To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie
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