THE INIMITABLE Mr.X.
I have already mentioned in my earlier articles that I am fan of P.G. Wodehouse. I feel that the word ‘Fan’ has been derived from ‘fanatic’. I am sure that all P.G. Wodehouse fans will agree with me that it is simply impossible not to become a fanatic devotee of the great author, just after reading even a single novel penned by him. Of all the P.G. Wodehouse characters, the most lovable ones are without question those featuring the master and valet duo of Bertie Wooster and Jeeves. 
The best P.G. wodehouse novel, the Jeeves series, is ‘The inimitable Jeeves’. No one can forget the highly intelligent, and resourceful Jeeves, who with great condescension permits his impetuous master to solve his, or his equally impetuous friends’ or aunt Dahlia’s problems, and after Bertie makes a thorough mess, steps in and solves the problems in his inimitable style. Jeeves is inimitable in intelligence, weaving of diabolical plots and discretion to save his master from catastrophes of his own making such as marriage to an undesirble female, wearing of some gaudy shirt or sweater, remaining in London instead of going to a rural spot as earlier planned etc.
My hero in the present article also fulfils all qualifications to be called ‘Inimitable’ like Jeeves, but for entirely opposite qualities, such as slow intelligence, confusion in choice of English words and indiscretion. As this person is alive , I have used the epithet ‘Mr. X’ to narrate his exploits. I drew inspiration for using this subterfuge from my regular and active participation in the meetings of the International Humour Club at the Chennai branches at Mylapore, Triplicane and Besant Nagar. In our meetings once every month, we spend a relaxed and happy four hours by telling jokes and listening to the jokes of other members. The chief guest is normally a very well known comedian, author famous for his/her hilarious stories or novels, or some famous T.V. comedy artist. We have framed some rules for the proceedings in these meetings. Some of the cardinal rules are –
1. No joke can be told which cannot be repeated in a family dinner table, consisting of husband, wife, children, grand parents, etc.
2. Also no joke making fun of any community, or any particular section of the people is permitted. For example, Sardarji jokes are not permitted to be told as Sardarji jokes. However, the same jokes are allowed if the word, ‘Mr. X’ is used instead of the word ‘Sardarji’. The same thing applies for Brahmins, Bengalis, Biharis etc. All such jokes can be told only by using the omnibus epithet or ‘Mr. X’ in place of Sardarji, Brahmin, Bihari, Bengali etc.
Mr.X is a good friend of mine from my childhood and is about six years older than me. He was a good and dull boy unlike the bad and mischievous boys like Kannan and his ardent disciple , Gopalan (yours truly). As we grew older, Mr. X became a good employee, good husband, good father and now a good grandfather. He is an ideal and law-abiding citizen, paying his taxes, writing ‘Letters to the Editor’ on various social problems etc. On the whole, a dull and plodding personality.
Though one whole book can be written about the exploits of Mr. X, I am confining myself to a few incidents, to avoid blame for hogging my brother’s family journal.
The first incident that I remember vividly happened about sixty years back. Mr. X, myself and Ambi of No.17 in our Agraharam were gossiping about nothing as care-free boys only can do. Suddenly, Ambi pointed out to another boy of our friend’s circle, Natarajan of No.24, who was passing by, and told us, ‘Poor Natarajan’ ! He will not be able to wear any cap throughout his life, as the cap will be immediately torn on Natarajan’s wearing it. Mr.X and myself could not understand the reason for Natarajan’s unfortunate peculiar disability, and requested Ambi to tell us the reason for Natarajan’s not being able to wear caps throughout his life. But Ambi who was a very witty boy and enjoyed keeping us in suspense told us to use our brain. He promised to tell the reason after one week, if we could not find out the reason by our own efforts. However, he gave a vital clue very magnanimously, saying that Natarajan is very brilliant, and that is why he cannot wear caps. Mr.X and myself could not understand as to why any one brilliant should be unable to wear a cap. After this, I had entirely forgotten this matter, as I was busy with Kannan in learning obscene words, depriving innocent vendors of Perichambazhams (dates), looking at the carvings in Kapali temples etc. ( If these sound alien to you, you can read my earlier articles by clicking here. ) Mr.X, however, could not forget the matter, as he did not participate in such mischievous and unlawful activities like Kannan and myself, being a very good boy. Therefore, he went on thinking about the reason for Natarajan’s disability day and night. He even asked his parents, Natarajan’s brothers and sisters, and even Natarajan himself. None of them could enlighten him. On the other hand, Natarajan became so panicky after learning from Mr.X, that he could not wear a cap throughout his life, that he immediately went home and surreptiously put on his father’s turban as well as his old cap to test the veracity of Ambi’s statement. Unfortunately for Natarajan, this old cap already had a small tear which he had not observed in his excitement and anxiety to avoid being caught by his father. 
When he took out the cap and examined the cap thoroughly, he saw the tear caused by long and continuous use by his father for attending to his duties as a school teacher. Natarajan never wore a cap afterwords throughout his life. I may add here that Natarajan completed his studies in India and abroad, always topping the class. He served as a Professor in a very reputed University in Canada for many years. Unfortunately, a very bright and brilliant career was cut short by the cruel hand of fate, and he died at Chennai due to cancer some years back.
…
As usual, I have digressed from the hero of this article, and beg the pardon of my readers. On the third or fourth day after our conversation with Ambi, myself, Kannan and Mr.X were walking together for going to the temple. Suddently, like the great Archimides, who realised during his bath that the volume of a solid substance can be calculated by the water displaced by it when immersed, and ran out naked on the street shouting ‘Eureka’. Mr.X started laughing aloud uncontrollably, shouting at the same time ‘therinju potchu’ (equivalent word to Eureka in Tamil meaning – I have found out). Kannan and myself were greatly alarmed by this sudden laughing and shouting of Mr.X Kannan and I started slowly inching away from him to save ourselves from attack, as we were certain that Mr.X had suddenly become mad. On seeing our panic, Mr.X tried to pacify us and started talking to us, at the same time laughing and shouting. Kannan and myself, who were slowly inching away from Mr.X, started to run fast on seeing Mr.X approaching us laughing and shouting, and outran him by about a mile, as we were well trained in running away from vendors of Perichambazhams, our parents approaching us for punishing us for using obscene words etc. After about one hour, Mr.X, who had become calm, approached us when we were sitting in the Kapali temple grounds. He explained that he was thinking of Ambi’s riddle, and suddenly understood its meaning, viz.,Natarajan could not wear caps, as he is very brilliant, and has a very sharp brain which will cut any cap worn by him.
I have mentioned earlier that Mr.X was the antithesis of Jeeves in choice of English words. While Jeeves was brilliant in using the most appropriate word, Mr.X used to get confused between similar words with exactly opposite meanings. He invariably used the most inappropriate word. I shall narrate four incidents to illustrate my point. Mr.X had passed from boyhood to adulthood, and attended the marriage of a close relative. After Mangalya Dharanam, he stood in the queue along with others waiting to congratulate the newly married couple. He was debating in his mind the best word to use for congratulating his newly married niece. At last, he decided upon the word to be used and laughed loudly and happily. As Kannan and myself did on on earlier occasion, the others in the queue slowly inched away from him, and after a few minutes, he was the only person standing in the queue. Mr.X could not understand as to why all the persons were running away from the queue, little realising that like Kannan and myself earlier, every one in the queue were alarmed by his sudden laughing aloud, thinking that he had become mad suddenly, and ran away from the queue to escape any sudden assault by the madman. Anyway he was very happy that his turn had come very fast, and that he could go to the dining room immediately after wishing the newly married niece. He approached his niece with a beaming face, and a fully stretched hand, saying at the same time, ‘Condolences for getting married’.. As usual, he had confused the word ‘Congratulations’ with ‘Condolences’.
On another occasion, one colleague of Mr.X had lost his wife due to an unfortunate accident. Mr.X went along with his other colleagues to the residence of the bereaved colleague for expressing their sympathy for the irreparable loss of their colleague. Mr.X, who was the constant butt of ridicule by his colleagues, ever since using the word condolences on earlier occasion, decided that he will be extremely careful this time, and that he will not use the same word now, after the use of which his friends were daily making fun of him. He, therefore, approached his colleague with a solemn face, and said, ‘Congratulations for the sudden death of your wife.' Even after seeing the tortured face of his bereaved colleague, and the sudden hush that descended on every one around him, he did not realize his mistake. Only after reaching home did it dawn on him that he had used the most inappropriate word, and should have said sorry or condolences.
On another occasion, myself, Mr.X and Mettur Ramu Anna (Amritha’s maternal uncle) met at a function (I think it was Pankajam Chithi’s granddaughter’s marriage). At that time Mettur Ramu Anna was suffering acutely from a sore in his leg which was not healing for a long time due to his diabetic condition. I enquired about his health in reply to which he told me about his sore in the leg which was not healing for a long time, in spite of best medical treatment. Mr.X, who was seated near us, and was listening to our conversation, butted in with an unsolicited advice to Mettur Ramu Anna. Actually, he wanted to tell Mettur Ramu Anna that some friend of his had great relief from a similar complaint after a successful operation. However, the word operation suddenly eluded his memory, and a most inappropriate word entered his brain as usual. What he told Mettur Ramu Anna was this:- 'Sir, Don’t worry. One of my friends had a similar complaint, and he is completely cured now. The best cure for your complaint is not medicines, but amputation. I shall tell you the name of the doctor who cured my colleague.‘ Mettur Ramu Anna’s face flushed uncontrollably and he left the place immediately. As usual, Mr.X realised his mistake later, when it was too late.
The fourth occasion was at the funeral of my sister-in-law's husband. Mr. X decided to avoid any long words like condolence or cngratulation. Unfortunately he ended up saying,' A bad thing has happened. Anyway God is great.' Needless to say, there were puzzled faces.
I had talked about Jeeves' discretion and appropriate behaviour. Mr. X would come out with very inappropriate behaviour. When my grandfather (about whom I had written in May 2003) died, we were all waiting for the Vadyar (Panditji) to arrive so that the religious rites could commence. There was also a big crowd as my grandfather had scores of grandchildren and other well-wishers. Just then, the paper boy handed over the latest Ananda Vikatan to, of all persons, Mr. X. Toally oblivious of the solemn atmosphere, Mr. X recited,
ANANDA VIKATAN
NANDA VIKATAN
NDA VIKATAN
DA VIKATAN
VIKATAN
KATAN
TAN
N
Once again, a hush, which seems to follow Mr. X , descended there. There was, of course, no place for peple to inch away as Kannan and I did. But most people present knew Mr. X and his inappropriateness.
I shall conclude my article with an incident that happened two years ago. Both myself and Mr.,X had become grandfathers. Mr.X was taking an early morning walk with his (or his sister’s , I do not remember properly) grandson. Mr.X had taken bath, and had put on the Ayyangar mark of Thiruman and Srichurnam (Namam). The child was a mischievous one with very restless hands. He was walking beside Mr.X who was holding his hand. Suddenly, the child got hold of Mr.X’s Dhoti (a long white piece of coth used to cover the lower portion of the body like lungi or Pyjamas), and started pulling it violently, like the wicked Duhshasan, who at his brother Duryodana’s order, started pulling away the saree of Draupadi. Mr.X started shouting ‘Krishna, Krishna’, (the boy’s name was Krishnan) and at the same time raised his hands to strike at the errant boy. The moment his supporting hands were taken away, the dhoti fell down to the ground, leaving Mr.X, in the middle of the street in his naked glory, (he had not worn any underwear). Unlike Archimides, about whom I wrote earlier, who was shouting ‘Eureka, Eureka’, our hero was shouting ‘Krishna, Krishna’!. However, Lord Krishna, who came to the aid of Draupadi immediately, when she also raised her hands, and shouted ‘Krishna, Krishna’, by sending an endless stream of sarees, was not so merciful to Mr.X and Mr.,X stood for a full minute in the middle of the street, dressed in his birthday suit of emperor’s clothes. I was watching the whole scene from my house, and was reminded of a very sporting interview given by 
Marilyn Monroe, when she was at the peak of her acting career. She had been a model before she became a film star, and posed completely naked for a calendar manufacturer. After she became the most famous Hollywood star, the ever-prying sensational American Press, pried into her past, and found out about her modeling naked for the calendar. The reporter of the newspaper took an appointment for her interview, and during the course of the interview asked her about her modelling assignment. Miss Monroe, who was the most uninhibited person in Hollywood frankly admitted that she had posed naked for the calendar. The reporter, who was wonder-struck, asked her with great curiosity, ‘Miss Monroe, you had nothing on’. Miss Marilyn Monroe’s repartee was classic, and unforgettable. She said, “But I had the radio on”. If Mr.X is interviewed by any reporter about this incident, which of course is impossible, he could have replied like Marilyn Monroe “But I had the Namam on”.
S.Rajagopalan
August 2003
