|
First Flight:
Bubba was on a plane flying from Birmingham to Dallas, taking his very first flight.
They had only been aloft a few minutes when Bubba complained to the flight attendant that his ears were popping.
The girl smiled and gave the redneck some chewing gum, assuring him that many people experienced the same discomfort.
When they landed in New York, Bubba thanked the stewardess.
"The chewing gum worked fine," he said. "But tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"
I'm Sorry:
Dear Joe,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your marriage with my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.
Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Getting in Shape:
Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to work out, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the sport goods department to admire a set of weights.
"Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day."
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?" the boy continued.
"They're not cheap either," the father came back.
"I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"
Trained:
A mouse returned to his cage from the laboratory and told a fellow mouse, "I've finally got Dr. Snooker trained."
"You have?" asked the other
.
"Yes, explained the first mouse. "Every time I press down a bar, he gives me food."
A Marriage proposal by a software guy:
Have you ever imagined how a software guy would propose...?
Dear Ms. XXXXX,
I 'v seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time, I have been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful, which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules were running smoothly and giving expected results. /* Which I never experienced before */. With this letter, I just want to convey to you that, if we linked together, I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage. I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And it�s all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
XYZ Software Professional
INDIA IN THE YEAR-2020
Year: 2020
Place: Two Americans at IBM, USA.
Mr. Alex: Hi john, u didn�t come yesterday to office?
Mr. john: yeah, I was in Indian embassy for stamping.
Alex: oh really, what happened, I heard that nowadays it has become very strict
john: yeah, but I managed to get it.
Alex: how long it took to get it stamped?
John: oh, it was nasty man, long queue. Bill gates was standing in front of me and they played with him like anything, that�s why it got delayed, I went there at 2 am itself and waited and returned by 4 pm.
Alex: Really? In India, it is a matter of an hour to get stamped for USA.
John: yeah but that is because who in India will be interested in coming to USA man, their economy has been booming.
Alex: so, when are u leaving?
John: anytime, after receiving my tickets from the client in India and u know, I will be getting a chance to fly Air India. Sort of dream come true.
Alex: How long r u going to stay in India?
John: what do u mean by how long. I will be settled in India, my company has promised me that they will process my Hara patta.
Alex: really, lucky person man, it is very difficult to get a hara patta in India.
John: yeah, that�s why; I am planning to marry an Indian girl there.
Alex: But you can find many US girls in Hyderabad, Bangalore and Mumbai.
John: But, I prefer Indian girls coz they are beautiful and cultured
Alex: where did u get the offer, Hyderabad?
John: yeah, salary is good there, but cost of living is quite high, it is 1000 Rs. for a single room accommodation.
Alex: I see, that�s too much for us people, Rs. 1 = $ 100, oh god! What about in Chennai, Mumbai?
John: no idea, but it is less than what we have in Hyderabad. It is like the world headquarters of software.
Alex: I heard, almost all the Indians are having one personal robot for help
John: u can get a BMW car for Rs. 5000, and a personal robot for less than Rs.7500. But my dream is to purchase Ambassador, which costs 200000 Rs. but has sexy design.
Alex: By the way, who is u r client?
John: Reddy and Naidu associates, a pure Indian company, specializing in embedded software.
Alex: oh, really, lucky to work in a pure Indian company, they are really intelligent and unlike American body shoppers who have opened their fly by night outfits in India, Indian companies pay u in full even when u r on bench. My friend Paul Allen, it seems, used his bench time to visit Bihar, the most livable place in India, probably world. There, u have full freedom and no restrictions. U can do whatever u want!!! I wonder how that state has perfected that system.
John: yeah man, u r right. I hope our America also follows the footsteps.
Alex: How are u going to cope with their language?
John: why not? From my school days I have been learning Hindi as my first language here at New York. At the consulate they tested my proficiency in Hindi and were quite impressed by my cent score in TOHIL i.e. Test of Hindi as International Language.
Alex: so, u r going to have fun there,
John: yeah, I will be traveling in the world's fastest train, world's largest theme park, and the famous Bollywood where u can see actors like, Amitabh, Rajanikanth, Chiranjeevi and all. Essel world is also near by Bollywood.
Alex: u know, Vajpayee is scheduled to visit us next year, he may then relax the number of visas
John: That is true. Last month, Narayanamurthy visited white house and donated 2000 Rs. for infrastructure development at silicon valley and has promised more if we follow the model of high-tech city of Hyderabad. And Bill gates got a chance of meeting him. very lucky person.
Alex: But, Indian govt is planning to split Narayanamurthy's infosys.
John: He is a hard worker man, he can build any number of infosys like this, every minute he is getting Rs 1000, it seems, if u keep all his money converted as Rs.100 notes u can reach the Pluto.
Alex: ok, good luck john.
John: same to u Alex. And don�t go to consulate in a kurta pyzama because they will think u r too indianized and may doubt u will ever comeback and hence ur non-immigrant visa may be rejected. But don�t forget to say "Namastay, aap kaisay hai" to the visa officer at window 5. It seems he likes that and will not give u a visa if u don�t greet him that way. My seniors at college have told me.
Resume Bloopers:
(These are some real-life excerpts from job applications)
* Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.
* Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
* My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
* Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.
* I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
* I am a rabid typist.
* Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.
* Proven ability to track down and correct errars.
* I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.
* References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me.
* Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously; they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.
* My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
* I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant.
* I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.
*Qualifications: No education or experience.
|