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Weighing the Baby:
A blonde carrying a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale.
"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone. We just subtract the second number from the first."
"Oh, that won't work," says the blonde.
"Why not?" asks the clerk.
"Because," she answers, "I'm not his mother. I'm his aunt."
Planning for the Future:
Now that they were retired, an elderly couple was discussing their plans.
"What will you do if I die before you do?" he asked her.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women. She said she would probably look for roommates who were a little younger than herself, since she was so active for her age.
Then she asked him, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."
Not very sure:
A man goes to his doctor and says, 'I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?'
The doctor replies, 'Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.'
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, 'What's for dinner, honey?' He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
She screams, 'For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf!'
Seaside Hotel:
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.
"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
Daughter�s Letter:
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, even with all his piercing and tattoos, and I love riding on the back of his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Sandy's. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
Tragic Death:
A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead. The guy panics. Thinking his neighbor is going to hate him forever, he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur. He then puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor's patio in hopes they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside. He asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stiffens and says, "Um.. er.. no.. What happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
What are you going to name?
President William Howard Taft weighed 335 lbs., which is a lot even for his six-foot frame. One day someone pointed to Taft's massive stomach and asked, 'What are you going to name the baby?'
The president replied: 'if it's a boy, he will be a junior. If it's a girl I'll name her Helen. But if, as I expect, it is only gas, I'll name it after you.'
Humor Lines:
A little boy is praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry. I'm having a real good time like I am."
Why do people eat super-size cheeseburgers and fries and then order a diet coke?
Did you hear about the X-ray technician who married a patient? Everybody wondered what he saw in her.
Television is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
"Nobody believes the official spokesman ... but everybody trusts an unidentified source."
A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note: "This bill is one year old."
The bill was returned with a card, which read: "Happy Birthday."
Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.
A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking.
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?
How to sculpt an elephant:
Get a huge block of marble and chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
When a wife was asked: What book you like the most?
She answers: My husband's chequebook.
Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting.
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That is all right. In fact I am just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I still have mine with me!
Q: What do U.F.O.'s and intelligent politicians have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never actually see one.
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