Scientist’s Findings:
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber optic network.
American scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They then concluded that the Native Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

The Oldest Profession (It's not what you think) :
A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of whose profession was the oldest.
"I think my line of work would win this one hands down," the surgeon said. "After all, Eve was created from Adam's rib, and that sounds like surgery to me."
"Maybe," the architect said, "but before Adam, order was created out of chaos. That was an architectural accomplishment."
"Sure," the politician said. "But before that, someone had to create the chaos."

A Damn Good Joke:
A crusty looking old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, 'I want to open a damn checking account.’
The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'
'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!'
'I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.'
With that the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, 'What seems to be the problem here?'
'There's no damn problem', the man says, 'I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!'
'I see', says the manager, 'and this stupid clerk is giving you a hard time?'

Same thing will happen:
A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time, once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swing doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.
'OK', he said, re-entering the crowded bar 'I’m gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City.'
With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him.
As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him. 'Excuse me stranger', he said, 'but what happened in Dodge City?'
The cowboy replied: 'I had to walk home!'

"Didn't you get my e-mail?"
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my e-mail?"

Don’t argue:
This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
'I was only going 40!' the driver protested. 'Not according to my radar,' the officer replied.
'Yes, I was!' the man shouted back. 'No you weren't!' the policeman said, starting to get annoyed.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, 'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking.'

A creative Lawyer:
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: ‘my client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.'
'Well put,' the judge replied. 'Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Number facts:
The math teacher called on little Johnny and asked, "What are 4, 2, 6 and 28?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Talk of the day:
An Indian wearing a turban was standing in front of the United Nations building when two Englishmen passed by.
One Englishman thinking that the person dressed in Indian style won't understand English commented to the other,'I think this man just came out from the Zoo'.
Immediately, the Indian replied, 'My dear friends, I was thinking just a few seconds ago on how to enter it!!'

His Last wish granted:
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. 'Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you.'
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, 'Hold on, you can't bring that in here!' But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, ‘you are right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through.' St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, 'You brought pavement?'

Faith in Humanity:
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, 'I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.'
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic.
And, there is a note on the door reading, 'Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?'

Here are some innovative ways for a guy to propose to a girl. And some smart retorts, which the girl can make if she doesn't like the guy.
1. Way to propose (WP): I wish I were one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek and die on your lips.
Reply (Re): I don’t mind where you die as long as you do!
2. WP: Did you know they changed the alphabets? They put U and I together.
Re: So how many times did you fail in Kindergarten?
3. WP: Are your legs tired, you’ve been running through my mind ALL day.
Re: Yes, they are. I’ve been running away from you.
4. WP: Are you lost? Because it is so strange to see an angel so far away from heaven.
Re: How many times have you been to heaven, anyway?
5. WP: Do you believe in love in first sight, or do I have to walk by you again.
Re: Yeah... Why don’t walk by again and just keep walking.
6. WP: What is that in your eye? Oh.... it’s a sparkle.
Re: What are you on? Crack or cocaine?
7. WP: Do you have a map? I just got lost in you eyes?
Re: (Too corny.... maybe a disgusted look would suffice.)
8. WP: You can forget about going to heaven, because it is a sin to look that good.
Re: You can be sure of going to hell.... Your stupidity will assure you a place.
9. WP: If I had eleven roses and you, I would have a dozen.
Re: So that is your problem.... Simple algebra!

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, corn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, write computer programs and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

An intellectual is a man who says a simple thing in a difficult way; an artist is a man who says a difficult thing in a simple way.

‘Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you have never been hurt. Dance like nobody is watching”.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The best way to predict the future is to create it.

Banks will lend you money if you can prove you don`t need it.

Live now, there will be plenty of time to be dead later.

Actually there is only one thing I want: Everything

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

War doesn't determine who's right, but who's left.