Birthday Present:
A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, "Dear, what would you like for your present?"
"I really don't think I should say."
"How about a diamond ring?" the husband asks.
"I don't care much for diamonds."
"Well, how about a mink coat?"
"You know I do not like furs." she says.
"A golden necklace?" asks the man.
"I already have three of them."
"Well, gosh, what do you want?"
The wife replies, "What I'd really like is a divorce."
"Hmmm," says the man, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Mistake:
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained." The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Sue over property:
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one-day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

An Old Occupation:
What happens when people of different occupations get old?
- Old daredevils never die they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die they just lose theiir faculties.
- Old doctors never die they just lose thheir patience.
- Old electricians never die they just loose contact.
(Editor adds: -Old Railwaymen just lose steam.)

Browsing for books:
A woman and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore.
Engrossed in making a selection, the woman had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called out, noticing the boy was missing.
"Reid!" Just as she spotted her son in the next aisle, she bumped into another customer.
"Pardon me, ma'am," he said. "I appreciate your enthusiasm, but you're just preaching to the choir. Most folks come here because they already like to read."

Siblings:
"Mom, my teacher asked me today if I had any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"

Ugly Suit:
When the men's store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk�s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "After I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

High Birth Rate:
A small rural town had the highest birth rate in the country. This phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal and got a huge chunk of money. They moved to town, set up their computers and began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter and ordered. While he was drinking his coffee he told the druggist what his purpose was in town and asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and wakes everybody up by blowing its whistle at the crossing. Everyone knows that 6:00 a.m. is too late to go back to sleep and too early to get up."

Literary Taunts:
"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." --Louis Nizer

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." --Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." --Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."--William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." --Andrew Lang

"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader." --Robert Frost

WE DON'T THINK THIS IS WHAT THEY MEANT: (Actual Newspaper Headlines)
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expeert Says

- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

- Include Your Children when Baking Cookiies

- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies AAhead

- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendannt

- Stolen Painting Found by Tree

- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

- War Dims Hope for Peace

- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It Mayy Last a While

- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Hoomicide

- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundredss Dead

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

- Hospitals are sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery CCharge

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.

When things are going well, something will go wrong. When things just can't get any worse, they will. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.

"Wisdom is divided into two parts: Having a great deal to say, and not saying it."

No one can be right all of the time, but it helps to be right most of the time.

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.

"The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do."

There art two cardinal sins from which all others spring: Impatience and Laziness.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.