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I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF
In order to make the world a better place, the following
rules will take immediate effect across the planet.
1. It is no longer permitted to be stupid and slow. You must
choose one or the other.
2. If in the course of parking your car you are not able to
maneuver the vehicle into a space in less time than it takes
to undergo and recover from open heart surgery, it is not
permitted to park in that space.
3. If you are waiting for an elevator that is slow to come
and you are the sort of person who pushes the call button
repeatedly in the belief that it will make a difference,
you are no longer permitted to use elevators.
4. Boxes of Christmas cards that carry messages like "May
your holidays be wrapped in warmth and touched with wonder"
must carry a statutory warning on the outside of the box saying: "Do Not Purchase - Message Inside Is Embarrassing and Sentimental."
5. In office buildings and retail premises in which entry
is through double doors and one of those doors is locked
for no reason, the door must bear a large sign saying: "This
Door Is Locked for No Reason."
6. Liver and goat cheese will no longer be regarded as foods.
In fancy restaurants, salads may no longer contain anything
that can be found growing at the side of any public highway.
7. When standing in line at a retail establishment, it is
not permitted to engage the sales assistant in conversation
regarding the weather, the health or personal relationships
of mutual acquaintances or other matters not relevant to
the purchase.
8. Anyone who reaches the front of a line and says, "Now
what do I want?" and purses his lips thoughtfully or drums
his fingers on his chin while studying the ordering options
as if for the first time will be taken outside and shot.
9. Any electronic clock on which the time is set by holding
down a button and scrolling laboriously through the minutes
and hours is illegal. Also, when you are trying to set the
alarm for, say, 7:00 a.m. and the numbers get to about 6:52
and then suddenly speed up and you discover that you have
gone past the desired hour and have to start all over, that
is extremely illegal.
10. All Americans will appreciate irony.
Extracts from the book I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF by Bill Bryson.
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