Free Products:
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste and paper items.
"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.
"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!”

The Retirement Party:
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him.
Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same,"
"We will always remember you," etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, Rahul, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, Rahul wrote, "THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS."

Interview:
A bank manager was interviewing four very different applicants from his short list for the position of clerical. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Cromwell two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. When the bank manager asked him, "How much is two and two?” the accountant got up from his chair, went over and closed the door.
He came back, sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.

Money Back:
A realty salesman had just closed his first deal; only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
'That customer is going to come back here pretty mad,' he said to his manager. 'Should I give him his money back?'
' Money back?' roared the manager... 'What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!'

This is a true story:
Hugh Hefner, his brother and a couple of other men were sitting at a table in the Playboy Club after hours. The discussion eventually got around to how much work was involved in sex. Each offered their opinion as to the percentage that was work and the percentage that was pleasure. Numbers were flying, 80:20, 60:40, 90:10 . . . until the man mopping the floors came by and said, 'Gentlemen, you are all wrong. Because if there was any work involved you would have me doing it.'

Prayer For the Answer:
A Sunday Schoolteacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the church supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but could not quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looks serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number and opened the lock.
The amazed teacher said, "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor."
"It's really nothing," he answered. "I never can remember the combination, either, That's why I wrote the number on a piece of tape and put it on the ceiling."

Balancing Good & Evil:
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, many years ago at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. May I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

Hard Work:
The manager is reviewing a potential employee's application and notes that the fellow has never worked in retail before. "For a man with no experience," says he, "you are certainly asking a high wage."
"Well sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing..."

Prayer of Thanksgiving:
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?" he asked again.
"So you could love her, my son."
"And why did you make her such a good cook?" he queried further.
"So you could love her, my son."
The man thought about this and said, "Well, I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."

Don’t step on a Duck:
These 3 ladies died in a car accident at the same time and all went to heaven. They meet St Peter at the gate and he told them they could do anything and go anywhere just don't step on the ducks. One of the ladies turned around and stepped right on a duck, here comes Saint peter with the ugliest man she had ever seen and handcuffed him to her. St Peter said this is for stepping on a duck.
About a week later another of the ladies stepped on a duck and here comes St. Peter with another very ugly man.
Well the 3rd lady seeing all these and thinking I don't want to spend all of eternity handcuffed to an ugly man became very careful not to step on a duck. Several weeks went by and here comes St Peter with the most handsome man she had ever seen and St Peter handcuffed the man to her.
She asked what did I do to earn such a reward?
The man said I don't know but I stepped on a duck.

What didn’t you do?
Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell. The first one asks, "What are you in for?"
"I'm here for something I didn't do," replied the other.
"So you're innocent? What didn't you do?"
"I didn't run fast enough."

The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

One sign of maturity is the ability to be comfortable with people who are not like us.

You probably would not worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

There are two perfectly good men, one dead, and the other unborn.

The supernatural is the natural not yet understood.

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

Experience is a great advantage. The problem is that when you get the experience, you are too damned old to do anything about it.

Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.