Sunday, September 18, 1999
Well, John is gone. About 1 1/2 months ago, I realized that I just couldn't live like that anymore....I finally realized if I was going to be with someone and share my home with them, then I wanted them completely. And John could not give me that. I'm not going to get into what has happened over these past 9 weeks. Just know that is was the worst 9 weeks of my life, and towards the end I felt like I was having a break down and that I was going crazy. Hopefully, now that he is out of my home, I can put this stuff behind me and move on and heal.
John and I are going to try to be friends, and perhaps in the future do things together, like see a movie or go traveling to Busch Gardens or Disney or something like that. It will take a while before I can get past this anger and pain though....but hopefully one day I can look back at all this and not feel the heartbreak that I feel right this moment.
People keep telling me (even John), you're going to meet someone special and blah, blah, blah. Well, I'm sorry. I think I'm done with all that for now and I have no intention on searching out anyone else, nor do I care to have someone find me. Because with what I have just experienced, I don't think I'll be able to trust my judgement again, and I don't think I'll be able to trust again. They say I'm crazy for saying that, but it's how I feel. I feel like building that wall around my heart and not letting anyone in...all I've known is heartbreak in relationships and i'm tired of it. I don't think I can allow myself to be so vulnerable again.
Well, that's all I want to write right now. I'm not in a mood at this moment to have this lengthy conversation on line, so good night and sleep tight!
Sunday, July 18, 1999
Hey there! Life is pretty good. A little difficult, but good. So far this month, two really sweet men had come in to my life that I went out with. I thought it would be the best thing to do, to try to get John out of my heart so much and try to focus on another. It didn't work. I was not really attracted to these men, although they were very sweet and kind to me and they seemed to like me. However, I don't want the only reason to be with them is because they give me the kind of attention that I don't really get from John. It's not his fault, he just happens to have great feelings for another. I'm really doing my best to accept that fact, and to realize I can't force him to fall in love with me. Just like the two sweet men I went out with this month can't make me fall in love with them either. We can't really control who we fall in love with. I happened to fall in love with a man, who can not reciprocate. But does that make it wrong?? I asked my counselor that question.
Alot of my friends say why do you want to stay with someone who is not emotionally available to you. Well, here's the answer. I don't really know. LOL. If I can make a difference in his life and be a shining star within his soul, then my job is done and I'm happy. John loves me, he really does. I am special in his heart and we will remain dear close friends till the end of time. Even though I have deeper feelings for him, I can tell him anything and everything and he understands exactly how I'm feeling. I think he feels a little strange that I have deeper feelings for him, and he's sorry that he's hurt me because he can't completely reciprocate the feelings. Through his actions and the way he looks at me, I can tell I'm special to him and that he does love me. He makes me feel good...perhaps not 100% of the time. It's been difficult the past 8 weeks, but it's because of my non-acceptance of the situation. I am only now starting to see that this relationship can be very rewarding, even though it won't become the great romantic relationship that I once hoped it would be.
I tried to think about having John move into the other bedroom and we live only as roommates. However, the more I thought about that fact this past week, the more it made me depressed. I have no interest in letting go of John and it would hurt me greatly to try to lesson my feelings right now. At this moment in my life, I just want to love him and there is nothing wrong with that. I have time, and I give that time to John.
John and I have discussed this quite extensively over the past week or two, and the conclusion is this: We are going to take one day at a time and enjoy each other's company and enjoy the time we have together for as long as we have. We are not going to put any boundaries or limits to how we share our affections towards one another. We're just going to be happy!!!!
Call me crazy...and many will...but this is what I want to do with my life right now...and I finally realized this is going to make me happy. I just had to get over certain hurdles, they were high hurdles, but they are behind me now and the road seems a little easier. John is getting better and more comfortable about living here.
Well, that's all for now...work is wonderful, school starts in a month, and Dana is just as cute as she can be and she clearly says my name now!!! Till next time....be good!
Friday, July 9, 1999
Long time no write! Lots of happenings and feelings to deal with over the past 7 weeks since John has moved in. He moved in May 16th, and we have had lots of adjustments to make. Some of it has been fun and wonderful, and some of it has been painful and difficult.
After being with me John has realized that his feelings for this girl in Europe is stronger than he thought (which I was only told they were friends). And she is now moving to England, which will make it easier for him to get to be with her. She lives in Germany currently, and he would have had a problem with the whole language barrier thing. My hopes and dreams of being with this man forever, is no longer a reality. I guess I was silly in thinking that my search my soul mate was over....I was wrong. I think I may have an infatuation with him right now and part of me doesn't want to let go of the fantasy of settling down with him and building a family. But I know I have to let that go. All the signs and very spiritual people that both of us know, have told us that I am here to be his guide. That he is in the midst of great change and that I'm here to guide him through his journey. I'm having a reading done for myself...so I will let you know how that goes when I receive it.
I've started to see my counselor again to help me deal with my feelings of inadequacy and feelings of "what's wrong with me that he can't truly "love" me". John and I love each other, but for him it's as a dear close friend only....for me I thought it was "the real deal". Perhaps it was just lust. I'm having to deal with all of that now. It's painful, but who ever said life would be easy. Part of me wants him to move out of my house and out of the city and us just be email pen pals, but then the other part of me wants to keep him with me and take care of him and be good to him. Just when I thought I was fine from being one of those insecure and co-dependent people, I find that "wham" I go right back to it. Perhaps one day I'll learn my lesson. Perhaps the lesson will be learned with John. Don't know exactly what lesson it is....but I know there's a reason why things are happening the way they are....when you're living it, you never see the answer. But when you look back on situations, you say "ahhhh yes...that's why I had to go through that kind of crap".
My friends don't necessarily like John and there has been some turmoil going on esp. with several of my closest friends. Some of my friends knew of John from the past 10 years or so seeing him at conventions and there was an incident that happened 6 years ago, that some of them can't get over or forgive. I look at it this way...people can change in 6 years and to base a person's whole existance on one night of being difficult to deal with is silly in my opinion. A lot of my friends think that John lied to me and that he is using me. But John never lied to me...he may have omitted his true feelings on things....but he never tried to mislead me (for the most part) in how things were gonna be. It hurts me that only after a week though, he made the decision that "I wasn't THE one" and that our living arrangements were only short term. That is not what he said to me before I moved him up here. And if I knew of this before (as well as his feelings for the germany girl), I would have left him in S. Florida. Live and learn I guess
At least I can say, that when I die, I can stand before God and say "I tried to help my fellow man in his time of need" and if John or whoever I try to help in the future takes advantage of my kindness, then so be it. At least I will have a clear mind and soul.
School will be starting in a little over a month. The two classes that I am taking will be web based. So I'll be able to stay home and study and all that good stuff. I won't feel as ragid as I had in the past. By the way, didn't know if I told you, but I got A's on my last two classes that I took earlier this year! Yea! Puts me at a 3.8 grade point average.
Dana is doing wonderfully. She's started saying my name! She is just sooooo cute! I still babysit her twice a week.
Well, I'm gonna get going for now...sorry it's been a while that I updated this diary. It's only now that I'm beginning to try to get back to my old life and live and try to live happily. Before I was dealing with a whole lot of negative emotions. Be well!
Monday, May 10, 1999
Well, definitely some interesting things happening now! The guy I told you about in April, John, well due to circumstances beyond our control he needs to find a place to live and I offered mine. He's finally accepted and I will be driving down to Pompano Beach this weekend and start picking up some of his stuff. Then on Memorial Day, he'll be moving the rest of his stuff and himself into my place!
It's been since 1993, since I've lived with someone...so it will take some adjustment, but the adjustments will come more from John, because this will be the first time he's lived with anyone.
I don't know why I have those feelings so soon after meeting him...but it's true! I feel confident and secure with myself and really think that I have what it takes to make a healthy relationship...finally! I'll keep you posted!
Friday, April 30, 1999
These past 10 days have been a really good 10 days! An exploration of my inner self, a deeper meaning of what I'm looking for in life. I met someone at the Star Trek convention the weekend of April 16th....and it has changed my life. I never thought I could ever feel this way towards a person ever again...but he has brought out feelings and emotions in me that no other has! It's truly an eye opening experience. Unfortunately this person, John, is 480 miles away from me, but we've been in close contact every day since the 18th. I believe if people are committed to something...the distance will not be a problem. Sometimes you just can't explain why you feel certain things for certain people...and why you don't feel certain things for others...I've decided that I'm not going to analyze it...I'm just going to sit back and enjoy it! Life is so short, and if you're not completely happy doing what you're doing --- you need to realize it and do something about it quickly. In my 20's I spent my life just hanging out in relationships where I was miserable...I felt I wasted a lot of my life doing that -- now that I'm in my 30's...I'm looking out for myself and doing what makes me happy, even if it doesn't make sense. It's not in my nature to intentionally hurt people, I feel bad when it happens, but unfortunately there's nothing I can do about it...all I can do is be as honest as I know how to be at the time of my life that I am living!
Tuesday, April 20, 1999
The question of the day is ... why would someone let another person go if they loved them? Well, that is what is happening to my life right now. I thought that I was heading in the correct direction with my life and that this is what I needed. Unfortunately, it was not. I still have a long road ahead of me. I couldn't give this person all the answers they wanted since I am so unsure myself of what is happening. I just know that the whole time I was experiencing deja vu, cause I was there 2 1/2 years ago. It will pass and it will get better. I believe that if two people were meant to be together it would happen easily. I did not have the "in love" feelings you should have for a significant other. I thought it would just happen, but I did not feel I could ever get there. It has nothing to do with the person, nothing they could have done any different, it's just the way life is and it's unexplainable. I realized that it is not fair to that person to be able to give them what they royally deserve. Everyone has the right to be loved 100%, and I could not give it. I know it was the right decision to let go, I am sad this took place, but it doesn't hurt like I have hurt in the past. It doesn't mean this person meant any less to me than I felt, everything I told said was the truth, but something in my heart keeps telling me to just let go. And that is why I need to go back to counseling to find out what is going on inside me. At this time in my life, I just want to have fun and see what all my options are. I must think of myself, and take care of myself, and get in touch with what is going to make me happy. Through counseling I will try to understand what is happening to me. I'll keep you posted.