Characters:
Kelly Taylor: a holier-than-thou do-gooder who dates Brandon and is Donna's
best friend.
Donna Martin: a ditz, but mostly a good person. Has lots of plastic
surgery and dates David.
Brandon Walsh: writes for a newspaper, dates Kelly
David Silver: has had an on-again, off-again relationship with Donna for 10
years
Dylan McKay: a drug addict who has a thing for Kelly
Valerie Malone: the bitch who hates Kelly with a passion
Steve Sanders: Brandon's fun-loving best friend
Scene: The beach apartment where Kelly and Donna live
DONNA Good morning, Kelly. What do you want for breakfast? Eggs?
Pancakes? Rack of lamb?
KELLY Wow, you sure are perky this morning. Any particular
reason?
DONNA Well, YES! I got back together with David last night. We
made "the beast with two backs", if you know what I mean.
KELLY (Quietly) And what a beast that would be... (To Donna)
Congratulations! I'm so happy for you. You guys belong together. He was
your first, after all.
DONNA (Nervously) Yes, he was my first...
KELLY Well, thanks for the breakfast offer, but I'm going to have
breakfast at the Peach Pit, our favorite hangout, with Brandon.
DONNA Oh well, I guess I'll just have to eat this all myself. And
then throw it up. Just kidding...
Kelly exits. There is a knock on the door. Donna opens door, David enters.
DONNA Hey David!
DAVID (Uncomfortably) Hey Donna, how's it going?
DONNA Pretty good. I'm glad we patched things up finally. I've
really missed you these past few months. It's been tough having to go
around with Noah, pretending to be interested...trying to keep his sexual
advances at bay. It's been tough.
DAVID Yeah...but you're telling everyone soon, right? We can't
live this lie anymore.
DONNA Yes...soon it will all be over. For real this time. What do
you think everyone will say? What will they think of us?
DAVID It doesn't matter. If they can't accept us, that's their
problem.
(a short silence)
DONNA Oh, by the way, I told Kelly we had sex last night, if anyone
says anything to you.
DAVID Ok. I'm going to go to the club. I'll see you later.
He kisses her on the cheek. David leaves. The lights dim.
Scene: The Peach Pit. Kelly is sitting at a table with Brandon. He is
drinking coffee while she is picking at her food. They are playing with
their feet under the table.
KELLY So what are you doing today? Anything interesting?
BRANDON Well, I have a very important article to write about
prostitution in the greater Los Angeles area. It will be my biggest expose
ever. I'm thinking that this could win me the Pulitzer. I mean, I'm such a
good writer, how could I not?
KELLY Yes that's true. So where do you think I should volunteer
next? The battered women's shelter? The AIDS hospice? Gosh, sometimes my
kindness amazes me.
BRANDON Yeah, we really are great people.
KELLY OH! I forgot to tell you! David and Donna got back
together.
BRANDON Really? That's great. Ever since high school, I've thought
that they were meant for each other.
KELLY You know what?
BRANDON What, Kel?
KELLY I love you.
BRANDON I love you, too.
KELLY Let's sit here and stare into each other's eyes.
The lights dim.
Scene: Casa Walsh, where Val and Brandon live. Val is on the sofa, talking
to Dylan.
VAL So what kind of relationship do we have anyway, Dylan?
DYLAN Sexual. Purely sexual. And that's the way I like it. I'm
not really in the mood to deal with people.
VAL That's what I thought. Haven't you ever wanted more? I
mean, when I was with David, the sex wasn't all that great - actually, come
to think of it, he was horrible in bed...he never got into it like you do -
But anyway, at least I felt some kind of connection with him. At least
there was some love there - even if I was just using him to make Kelly mad.
DYLAN (Distantly) Yeah, I've felt that way. But that was a long
time ago...
VAL You mean when you were with Kelly.
DYLAN Well, yeah. But like I said, that was a long time ago.
There's nothing between us anymore.
VAL I don't care. She's still a bitch. (In a sing-song
voice) 'Oh, look at me! I'm Kelly! I have pouty lips! I'm so perfect! '
It makes me sick. (pause)
So have you talked to David lately? He's been
acting really strange.
DYLAN Yeah, now that you mention it, I've noticed it too. It
seems like he and Donna are planning something.
VAL Hm. Maybe she got some new breasts or something.
They giggle
DYLAN (Laughing) Yeah, she does seem to get more plastic surgery
every year, doesn't she.
VAL (Looks at her watch) OH, damn, I've gotta get going.
They kiss as the door opens. Brandon and Kelly enter. Brandon is holding
the mail.
KELLY Oh, sorry, are we interrupting something?
VAL No, I was just leaving. She smirks at Kelly
Val exits out the door.
KELLY (Looking at closed door, with a smart-ass grin on her face)
Nice to see you, too.
BRANDON (To Dylan) So what's goin' on, bro?
DYLAN Not too much.
Brandon puts the mail he has been holding on a table. He looks through the
mail until he comes to one particular letter.
BRANDON Hmmmm, what's this? He reads the letter a little more closely.
Looks like David and Donna want us all to meet them at the beach apartment
tonight. Says they have something important to tell us. I wonder what that
could be.
KELLY Yeah, that's weird. Donna didn't say anything about it to
me. Well I guess we'll find out tonight.
DYLAN Well I think I'm gonna head over the club and see if David's
there, since he owns it, and see what's up.
BRANDON Good idea, I think I'll go with you, bro. See you later Kel.
Brandon kisses Kelly on the cheek. They all exit.
The lights dim.
Scene: The bar at the Peach Pit After Dark, a night club owned by David.
David is standing behind the bar. Brandon, Dylan, and Steve are sitting on
bar stools in front of the bar
DYLAN So David, what's up with this letter Brandon got? We're
supposed to meet at Kelly and Donna's place tonight?
DAVID Yeah. Don't worry, you'll see what it's all about when you
get there.
DYLAN (In a brooding tone) I hate surprises. While I'm back
here, do you guys want anything?
BRANDON I'm fine.
STEVE Me too.
DAVID I'll have a Jack Daniels.
DYLAN Coming right up.
DAVID Oh, and Dylan, make it a stiff one.
DYLAN Sure thing.
Dylan gives David his drink, opens a beer for himself, and begins to drink
it.
BRANDON Hey, Dylan, bro, don't take this the wrong way, but didn't you
used to be an alcoholic? I always see you casually drinking.
DAVID Yeah, I thought you went through that Alcoholics Anonymous
12-step thing so that you could stop drinking. How can you casually drink
now?
DYLAN (During this speech, Dylan walks from behind the bar to
eventually stand in front of the other three.) Well, actually, it's a new
program. See, casual drinking for most people is okay, right? So in this
program, you start off not drinking at all. Then, you can gradually begin
to casually drink more and more. Eventually, you become and alcoholic
again, go to AA, and the process starts over again. The thing is, after a
few of those cycles, it all averages out to the same amount of alcohol
consumption as an average casual drinker over the long run.
BRANDON Oh, so you're not just forgetting about the earlier promises you
made to yourself to stop drinking.
DYLAN No, of course not. I've just gone to a different program.
I like it a lot better. Plus, it gives me something to do all day, my not
having a job and all...
DAVID OH! That makes sense.
BRANDON Completely.
DYLAN All right, well I'm outta here. I'll see you guys tonight.
Takes his car keys out of his pocket and accidentally drops them. Damn, my
keys.
He bends over to pick them up.
BRANDON See ya, bro.
DAVID Later.
STEVE Adios.
Dylan exits.
DAVID Man, I've gotta go to the bathroom before I explode. He
runs off stage.
The lights dim.
Scene: The beach apartment (same as first scene). Val, Dylan, Brandon,
Kelly, and Steve are seated on a couch (in that order). David and Donna are
standing in front of them.
DAVID Now, we realize that we've been acting kind of funny the
past couple days...
DONNA And we know that you're all probably wondering what you're
doing here right now.
VAL (Whispering to Dylan) That's for sure.
DAVID Well, we may as well just get started. See, we both have
pretty big announcements to make. I guess I'll go first. I just wanted to
start off by saying that you guys are my best friends, and that's why I feel
like I can tell you this. Your friendship means more to me than anything in
the world. So, having said that, I guess I'll just come right out and tell
you: I'm gay.
DYLAN (To Brandon) HAH, you owe me 50 bucks!
VAL Ew, I can't believe I slept with you. You don't have any
diseases or anything, do you?
KELLY It's okay, David. We accept you for who you are. Besides,
we all pretty much figured it, anyway.
VAL Well maybe YOU did...
DAVID Really? You knew?
STEVE Yeah, ever since your Vanilla Ice wannabe days, it's been
pretty obvious.
DAVID Wow. Well there's something else I have to get off my
chest also-and this might be a little harder to take. Not only am I
gay...but I'm in love with Dylan.
Everyone turns and looks at Dylan, who just has a blank expression on his
face.
DYLAN Um, dude, you realize that I like women? I bang Valerie
every night. I was even married! Remember? My wife Toni was killed in my
Porshe by her dad Tony's henchman in a mob hit that was meant for me while
it rained dramatically outside? Because he's the guy that killed my father
and he was mad that I married his daughter? Even though he didn't really
kill my father because it turned out that my dad was just involved in an
elaborate Witness Protection Program set-up?
BRANDON Yeah, bro, we get it.
DAVID Sorry, Dylan, but I just had to tell you. That little
swagger you have when you walk...your badass attitude...the way you comb
your hair forward to try to hide your receding hairline-
DYLAN Okay Silver, that's enough. This is really creepy. Just
stop.
KELLY (Changing the subject) So Donna! You had something to
tell us, too? I think we're prepared for almost anything now. What is it?
DONNA Well...um...I guess I have something to get off my chest as
well. God, I've never told anyone this before--my parents are the only ones
who know.
KELLY Donna, what is it?
DONNA Donna's not my real name.
STEVE That's it? That's the big secret?
DONNA No...not exactly. See, my real name is...Donald. I'm really
a man.
(Long pause)
BRANDON Well I guess that explains your breast implants.
STEVE And your nose jobs.
VAL And your horse face.
DYLAN And your extreme general ugliness.
KELLY And that explains why the seat in the bathroom is always
up, and why you never took gym class in high school!
BRANDON Oh! And how you insisted on keeping your virginity! It wasn't
because of your high morals or pressure from your overbearing mother; it was
because you lacked a vagina!
DONNA Yes, it's true. All of it. I've been living a lie all these
years. I feel so much better now that it's all out in the open, though.
STEVE So your and David's relationship - it was all just a sham?
DAVID Yeah, we both got really drunk and told each other our
secrets in high school, and we decided they would be easier to hide if we
pretended to be together.
BRANDON Well I, personally, am very happy for both of you. Do you think
I could write a story about it for The Beat?
KELLY So what are you guys going to do now? Just continue to
live your lives like you did before?
DAVID No. That's part of the reason we decided to tell you now.
I, for one, can't stand to be near Dylan anymore, so I'm moving to San
Francisco to host a radio program dealing with relationship problems.
Between men, of course.
DONNA And I've decided to get my own apartment and start a web site
with pictures of myself on it. But first, I'm going to make the rounds at
all the daytime talk shows. Sally Jessy, here I come!
BRANDON (Looking at his watch) Oh wow, we better get going, Steve.
We've got a half hour. Good luck David, Donna. We'll keep in touch.
KELLY Where are you guys running off to?
STEVE Oh, we scored some tickets to a women's ice hockey game.
BRANDON Yeah. Gotta love those girls with sticks!
They all look at Donna and everyone laughs like in a cheesy 50's sitcom.
