Corey

 

Corey is the name I gave my first born child.  I do not know where my little boy is, or if he is alright.  That and that alone is the biggest mistake of my life.  Giving birth to him was not a mistake, allowing someone else to raise him was the mistake.  The part that hurts the most is knowing that someone I have never met or seen is able to witness all the firsts and experience all the joy of a child.  MY CHILD.  Knowing that when he cries out at night it's not me who comforts him.  His first word, first step, first day at school.  It's someone else who guides him, and makes the fear go away.  Someone else experiences the joy of watching my son learn something new or accomplish something he thought he couldn't do.

 

            I know all the reasonsand arguments that support my decision to give him away.  He deserved the best life possible.  It was in the best interest of the child.  It was a wonderful gift for a couple who couldn't have their own.  All of those reasons sound good, if you are on the outside looking in.  The picture is much different when it is your child.  The pain and heartache you feel and carry with you for the rest of your life is enormous.  It's a pain that will never go away, it's one you can't possibly know, unless it's happened with you.

 

My son will soon be 8 yrs. old, I bet he is an amazing little boy, so full of fun and imagination.  Curious about the world around him.  So full of hope and promise for the future.  But, that's something I'll never know about, because I gave him away.  This ache that remains is my punishment.

 

-Illiandra