"Look Commander, I'm not at liberty to tell you what happened. That's strictly between Heero and Relena; if one of *them* chooses to tell you � well, that's their business." Duo added silently, 'And the fact that Relena *didn't* tell you when she called and begged to talk to Heero is a pretty good indication that she has no intention of filling in the details...' Her insistence that there had been a "misunderstanding" and she needed to speak to Heero in order to apologize certainly did not begin to explain the whole fucking mess.
"All that matters to *me* is that my partner wants a break, and I'm going with him. I'm just here to hand in our resignations � assuming that becomes necessary. We'd rather have you just put us both on the reserve lists and make our status inactive. That way if we *do* eventually decide to come back or if you need us for something really big and important, putting us back in the field won't be a big deal." Duo met Une's eyes levelly the entire time that he was speaking. There was absolutely nothing that she could say or do to change his mind, and he wanted her to see that conviction in his eyes.
Evidently, she did. "Fine," she conceded, gesturing dismissively. "Reserve list and inactive status. Just be sure to keep us up to date on your location so..."
Duo cut her off firmly, "No. If you need us, contact Howard. We'll keep in touch with him regularly."
"But..."
"That's non-negotiable, Commander."
"Oh, very well. There's just no dealing with you when you get like this, Maxwell," Une complained. "Anything to do with Yuy and you turn from amiable to bullheaded in an instant."
Duo merely shrugged. It was true, why argue about it? Heero never asked for much of anything so on the rare occasion that he *did* want � or need � something, Duo intended to make damn sure that he got it. That was just part of loving someone, whether as a best friend or � well, something more.
"Leave your case notes with the appropriate files and I'll see to it that they're turned over to other agents. Once you're done taking care of that, you're free to go," Une added with a dismissive wave.
Duo thought it prudent to say, "Thank you, Commander," as he rose to leave her office. She gave him a half-hearted glare and pointed towards her door.
Just as Duo was on his way out, she called after him curiously, "Why Howard? Why not stay in touch with one of the others?"
"Because Howard knows when to just butt the hell out."
_-_
Grunts of effort and laboured gasps woke Duo. "Aww, shit, Heero..." he muttered, recognizing the sounds after the past few nights. He picked up his pillow and tossed it lightly at the figure on the other bed as Heero thrashed violently, struggling against invisible restraints. Duo had made the mistake of touching Heero to wake him the first night and he still had the black eye and sore cheekbone to remind him of his error.
Heero bolted upright, sending the pillow flying across the room. Duo could see the faint gleam of his widely opened eyes in the dimly lit hotel room, could hear the heavy panting as Heero struggled for breath. "You awake?"
"Yes." Heero threw back the covers and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Duo reached over and turned the light on. "Go back to sleep," Heero said, reaching to turn the light back off.
"No." Duo threw his own covers back and sat up. "*You* won't." He knew damn well that Heero had simply stayed up rather than risk waking him again on the previous two nights. The fact that he *hadn't* been reawakened as he had the nights before that along with the darkening shadows under Heero's eyes told him that much.
"I can't. I know that I'll dream again and I just � can't."
"And you don't want to wake me up again," Duo added dryly.
Heero didn't say anything, which was as good as confirmation as far as Duo was concerned.
"Go shower and get the sweat off," Duo suggested. "Make it as hot as you can stand so it relaxes your muscles. When you get out I'll give you a massage, redo your bandages, and you can take one of those pain pills that Doc gave you. Then we'll both give sleep another shot." He suspected that Heero's stiff and sore muscles, aching wrists, and raw ankles were partially responsible for just how damn bad the nightmares were. It had been a long, long time since Heero had reacted violently to Duo waking him up from one; the fact that he would do so now was an indication of just how bad they must be.
"I don't think..."
"Heero. Just give it a try, okay?"
Heero sighed heavily, stood, and headed for the bathroom. Duo grinned faintly at the silent capitulation. Now, he just had to hope that this worked or at least helped.
_-_
Duo lifted the complimentary bottle of hand lotion out of the sink and wiped the warm water off of it before carrying it out to the bed. The lotion wouldn't work as well as massage oil would and there wasn't very much of it but it was better than nothing. A dry massage created too much friction to be comfortable.
"Pain pill kicking in yet?" he asked, keeping his voice low and soothing. Heero had taken the medication right after his shower. Reluctantly � but he had taken it.
"A bit," Heero answered.
Duo frowned slightly; he'd hoped that it would be working more than "a bit" by now. He knew that Heero's ankles and wrists had to be bothering him after having the salve applied and the bandages changed. He wanted Heero sufficiently comfortable for the massage to relax him.
Moving to the side of the bed that had been his � Heero's bedding was damp and reeking with sweat � Duo squeezed a bit of lotion out onto his hands and prepared to start work on Heero's shoulders and chest. He asked idly as he began the massage, "Say, Heero, you ever try that 'lucid dreaming' thing? Y'know, where you tell yourself that you know you're just dreaming then take control of the dream?" He couldn't imagine that Heero *hadn't*; J had trained him in what seemed like every damn control-oriented technique in existence.
"Yes."
Stifling the urge to sigh, Duo silently cursed Relena instead. Heero was back to single-word responses most of the time now and it was damn frustrating after having gotten used to complete sentences � hell, complete *conversations* � from him. It had taken *years* to get Heero to that point. It had taken Relena a single damn night to reverse all of that progress. 'No, not all,' Duo corrected silently. 'He still trusts me at least as much as he did by the time we joined Preventers or he'd have just picked up and disappeared alone instead of letting me come with him.'
"Ever get any good at it?"
"Sometimes." Heero was silent for a few moments, then added reluctantly, "Not this time."
"Ah. Well, it was worth a shot anyway." Switching to � lightly and carefully � massaging Heero's hand, Duo asked, "Flashbacks? Or true nightmares?"
It took a few minutes but finally Heero responded, "Both." Sensing that if he waited, Heero *might* volunteer a bit more, Duo just made a quiet sound of acknowledgement and moved his massage up Heero's arm a bit, careful to avoid the bandaged wrist. He could feel the muscles gradually easing a bit under his ministrations. Not quite *relaxing* � but easing.
Duo had finished the first arm and was almost done with the other one before Heero finally spoke again. "They start � as flashbacks. Memories. From training. The war.
"But the escape � or end of session � or rescue � doesn't happen. Instead, it changes to... you know... Except that now, I know whose voice I hear. But it doesn't matter. I still keep struggling. She doesn't let me go. She leaves me alone. Trapped. Blind. Just like before. But this time..." Heero fell silent again.
Deciding that Heero really was done talking, Duo finished for him, softly. "This time, you can't get loose." Heero's head moved fractionally in a nod. "That when I've been wakin' you up?" Another tiny nod.
Duo moved down to work on Heero's feet, careful of the still-healing soles � feet used to wearing shoes did not fare well on gravel paths and cobblestone walkways � and ankles. He kept at his task despite the fact that his hands were beginning to ache. He *was* succeeding in taking some of the tension away, though not all of it.
Finishing work on Heero's legs, Duo instructed, "Roll over." He grinned faintly as Heero obeyed without hesitation. 'Trust. And a lot of it. Or he wouldn't be willing to put himself in such a vulnerable position.' As he started his massage all over again, this time on Heero's back, Duo said, "Alone, huh? Look, buddy, we both need sleep. Why don't we try what used to work during the war? Sleep together and see if that helps?"
"No."
"You won't hurt me," Duo said firmly. He really wished that he hadn't been careless that first night and let Heero hit him. Heero couldn't even look him in the face right now without wincing and looking guilty; he had one hell of a shiner despite the fact that he'd avoided the worst of the blow. "I promise I'll just roll off the bed if you get violent; I won't try to touch you to wake you up. But I don't think it'll be the same anyway. You'll know I'm there, and it might be enough to let you control the dreams. Tack a rescue on the end. 'Cause you know damn well that even if you'd still been chained up and fighting when I got there, I'd have got you loose."
There was a long, heavy silence. Then, whisper-soft, "She was afraid to let me loose."
"Yeah, she was." Duo didn't bother trying to pretend otherwise. "But you don't scare *me*, Heero Yuy. I *respect* you � but I'm not afraid of you."
There was no audible response but the muscles that had gone tense beneath his hands slowly began to relax again. Duo took the lack of further argument as agreement. "Just relax and go to sleep, Heero. It'll be okay."
Silence. Then, finally, a weary, "Okay" of acceptance.
"Okay," Duo echoed firmly. He let out a slow, quiet sigh and consciously regulated his breathing into a relaxing pattern. Gradually, the last of the tension eased from Heero's muscles and Duo realized with relief that he had finally dozed off. He kept up the massage a while longer, wanting to be sure that Heero wouldn't wake the instant that he stopped.
Eventually, Duo curled up on the bed beside Heero, just barely touching. He knew that he needed to sleep because he would have to drive again once they woke up. Heero would be insistent that they move on and Heero's hands and wrists were in no shape for handling a steering wheel.
'The first part of my wartime motto could very well be his too... That's what we're doing right now, whether he acknowledges it or not. Running and hiding...'
It really wasn't surprising. Heero had been taught from the time he was very small that safety lay in keeping a low profile and keeping on the move. Not staying anywhere long enough to get noticed. To get caught.
Duo hadn't realized exactly what was going on for the first couple of days but when Heero had just randomly pointed at a spot on the map in response to his query of where they were going next, he'd finally figured it out. He wasn't entirely sure that Heero was consciously aware of what he was doing. Probably not. Probably he just knew that the only time he felt comfortable was while they were moving.
'Wonder how long we'll have to keep moving... How long it'll take for him to feel at least a little bit safe and secure again...' Quite a while, in all likelihood. After all, Heero had stayed on the move for the full year between the wars. And for a good six months or so after he'd healed from the second one. He'd stayed in intermittent contact with Duo throughout that entire time but no one else had been consistently able to reach him.
'But he never gave any indication that I would be welcome to come with him then, either. Not till he contacted me and told me that he and his partner were expected at Preventers HQ for orientation in a week and he'd meet me at the spaceport when my shuttle got in. Then he told me which goddamn shuttle I was booked on...'
Duo grinned wryly at the memory. It had been thoroughly typical Heero at the time. No request, just the assumption that Duo would fall in with his plans. 'By then, I'd figured out that he acted like that because asking implied that refusal was just as acceptable as agreement. So if he wanted something, he chose to act as if getting it was a foregone conclusion...' Heero hadn't *entirely* gotten over that even now. He tended to make flat statements rather than requests. That was just part of what made Heero � *Heero*.
'Doesn't matter. I love him anyway...' Duo thought drowsily. He closed his eyes and slept.
_-_
Before the pounding had even fully registered, Duo's back hit the floor, knocking his breath from him in a startled "oof". He opened his eyes to find Heero crouched protectively over him, gun in hand. That was when he realized that the pounding was the motel manager banging on the door of the neighbouring room and warning loudly that it was checkout time. He could see the understanding dawn in Heero's eyes just as the man moved on to pound their door and shout that if they weren't out in ten minutes, they'd have to pay for another day. The manager didn't wait for a response, just moved further down the line of units to give someone else a rude wakeup call.
Heero slid the safety back on his gun and straightened from his crouch. He extended one hand to Duo in a silent apology for the abrupt awakening.
Not wanting to aggravate Heero's injuries but also not wanting to refuse his help, Duo clasped the arm near the elbow and let Heero pull him to his feet. "Guess we overslept," he observed with a rueful grin.
He carefully did *not* mention Heero's overreaction to the manager's idea of a wakeup call nor did he say "told you so" regarding the fact that Heero had actually managed to sleep through the rest of the night. He didn't even mention the fact that, when reacting to a perceived threat, Heero's actions towards *him* had been protective, not violent. He sure as hell hadn't been the one to roll off the bed. Heero had rolled them both off, gun in one hand, the other � broken wrist ignored in the instinctive reaction � momentarily behind Duo's head to keep it from striking the floor along with his back.
"We did." A faint flicker that *almost* rated being called a smile crossed Heero's face as he told Duo, "Thank you."
Duo grinned back. "Anytime, buddy. Anytime."
_-_
Heero's request that they stop at a shopping mall was a bit of a surprise but Duo did so without question. He was quietly pleased to discover that Heero's reason for the stop was to buy massage oil. Obviously either the massage itself or the restful sleep it had led to was something that he wanted to repeat. Buying supplies was as good as a request.
Even though Duo missed carrying on actual conversations with Heero, the lack of spoken dialogue didn't actually impede communication between them much at all. He knew Heero well enough to interpret his actions; words were merely confirmation of that interpretation.
He was a bit surprised, however, when Heero turned down the first few motels that night. They were very typical of the sort of places they'd been staying at. Cheap, a bit seedy, but not complete dives. Tonight, though, Heero vetoed several of those only to direct Duo to pull in at a hotel chain that catered primarily to business travelers and conventions.
"Anything in particular to ask?" Duo inquired before climbing out of the car.
Heero hesitated, fingers toying with the gauze around his wrist. Duo waited patiently. After a moment, Heero suggested, "If they have whirlpool baths in some rooms... Maybe..."
"Sure," Duo agreed readily. Obviously Heero was finally willing to slow down enough to start taking a little better care of his sore and abused body. Either because they'd put enough distance behind them for him to relax a bit or because the temporary relief of the massage and at least a few hours of sound sleep had made him more aware of his condition. He suggested carefully, "The sign advertises a package deal for stays of more than one night..."
The hesitation lasted long enough that Duo was honestly uncertain what Heero's answer would be. "We can afford it even if we end up not staying," he added with a shrug. "Least that way, we won't have to worry about oversleeping and being rudely awakened." Not that this was the kind of place where they'd have to worry about the manager going around pounding on doors. They'd just have to make sure to put out the Do Not Disturb sign so that housekeeping wouldn't wake them up.
Heero's brow wrinkled into a frown. Duo kept waiting. He was pushing things a bit, he knew that. But he really thought that if Heero got a couple of nights of sound sleep, a couple of days of just plain *rest*, rather than spending all day sitting in the car and only snatching a few hours of rest at night, he might start to get his head together again. Stop reacting instinctively and start thinking things through.
Finally, Heero's answer came in the form of a very slight headshake.
"Just one night, then," Duo agreed cheerfully. He was a little disappointed but Heero had considered it for quite a while before rejecting the idea. He'd give it a few days before making the suggestion again. With any luck, Heero would make the choice himself before then.
Duo headed inside and booked their room. It was definitely a lot more expensive than the places they'd been staying at. Not that the cost was really a concern. Both he and Heero had sizeable savings accounts. They'd been paid for the scrap from their Gundams in addition to the substantial cash settlements that the colonies had given them after the war. And they'd earned good salaries as Preventers. It would be a long time before they had to seriously worry about money.
Hopefully, Heero would have decided what he wanted to do next long before that time ever arrived.
_-_
Several days passed. They stuck to midrange hotels rather than the cheap motels. Duo massaged Heero to sleep every night and was able to wake him with voice alone the few times that he started to slip into nightmares. Sharing a bed made Duo more aware of the early stages of the dreams; he would waken at the first hint of restlessness. At that point, it was a relatively simple thing to soothe Heero with his voice before the dreams could even reach the nightmare stage.
And as Heero became more rested, as overstressed muscles and joints began to heal, he gradually started to open up a bit again. To talk in complete sentences rather than giving single word responses.
Duo yawned widely as he pulled into the hotel parking lot. He'd driven longer than usual today. They'd hit construction delays, then a detour that took them miles away from the town they'd intended to stop in. So they'd just kept going the extra two hours to the next city.
"You're tired," Heero observed.
Turning off the car, Duo gave him a weary grin and said, "Oh, yeah. I *hate* road construction."
It was with considerable relief that Duo noted the sudden change in the way that Heero was looking at him. The rather detached look abruptly sharpened and became much more *Heero*. He could see Heero examining, assessing, considering possibilities.
"I'll get the room. We'll stay here for a few days." The calm, businesslike tone faltered slightly as Heero added, "We... need to talk."
"Okay," Duo agreed simply. Despite his weariness, he felt like jumping up and down with excitement. He couldn't be completely sure just yet but he had a sneaking suspicion that Heero had just turned the corner.
_-_
"You're too tired," Heero protested half-heartedly. "You don't have to..."
Duo cut him off firmly. "I know I don't. I don't *have* to do anything. I *choose* to give you a massage because it makes you feel better and it helps you sleep."
"But..."
Stepping in closer to Heero, Duo slid one hand behind his neck, tilting Heero's head towards his so that their foreheads leaned together. Softly, he murmured, "Heero. It's okay. I'm just tired, not completely exhausted. Making you feel better makes me feel better too. Helping you relax helps me relax. Just let everything go for tonight. Whatever we need to deal with, we'll deal with tomorrow. *After* we've both had a good night's sleep. Okay?" The forehead leaning against his moved faintly in a nod.
"Okay. Now � would a massage feel good?" Another small nod. "Then go lie down and get comfortable while I warm up the oil, okay?"
"Okay."
As usual, Heero dozed off before Duo finished massaging his back and shoulders. The muscles that he'd injured ripping the manacles loose from the wall were still healing and spending so much time sitting in one position in the car wasn't exactly helping matters. Duo doubted that Heero would get much sleep at all without the massages to help ease the tension and relax the knots. Hopefully, Heero's decision to stay put for a few days would give his battered body the chance to recover and speed up the healing process.
Setting the bottle of massage oil aside, Duo joined Heero on the bed, careful to pull the covers up far enough to keep Heero's muscles from getting chilled. He sprawled on his back, grateful for the opportunity to stretch his own muscles after spending so many hours driving. Fingers just barely brushing Heero's, he fell asleep hoping that whatever Heero wanted to talk about tomorrow would be a step towards Heero getting back to normal.
_-_
Duo woke in the morning feeling very warm and content. He also discovered that his arm was sound asleep, there was an uncomfortably solid lump digging into his breastbone, and a heavy weight resting on his legs. Opening his eyes, he was surprised to find Heero curled against him, head resting heavily against his shoulder, casted arm flung over his chest, one leg pinning his own in place. It wasn't unusual for them to end up tightly pressed back-to-back by morning, but Duo couldn't recall ever waking up with Heero wrapped around him like this before. Not even back during the war when they'd found relief from the night terrors in the simple presence of another warm, softly breathing body.
He certainly didn't mind Heero using him as a body pillow. It actually felt kind of good, despite the cast digging into him and the fact that Heero's head was evidently resting on a nerve cluster and had put his arm to sleep. He was, in fact, a bit grateful for those uncomfortable elements. They meant that he was in slightly less danger of enjoying this position *too* much. He wasn't prepared to bring up that particular aspect of his feelings for Heero just yet. Not while Heero was still recovering from the incident with Relena.
Time passed. Duo wasn't sure how long he waited. He was determined to let Heero sleep until he woke on his own. Both because Heero was still catching up on the sleep he'd lost to the nightmares and because he was enjoying the simple intimacy of the situation.
Eventually, Heero stirred. Duo didn't try to hide the fact that he'd been awake for a while. "Mornin', buddy," he said, smiling as Heero woke up enough to be aware of his position. He teased gently, "Guess you finally found a way to get comfortable, huh?" Better to make light of the situation than let it turn into something awkward.
Hastily struggling to sit up, Heero blurted out, "Sor..."
Duo chuckled and cut off the attempt at an apology. "Hey, I don't mind. For once, I didn't half freeze when the air conditioner kicked on." He gave Heero a cheerful grin and changed the subject quickly, not wanting to give embarrassment a chance to take hold. "I know you wanted to talk but why don't we freshen up and go grab some breakfast first? I dunno about you but I'm *hungry*..."
_-_
By the time they ate a rather late brunch and washed the laundry that they'd discovered they needed to do if they wanted anything clean to wear tomorrow, it was well into afternoon before they actually got around to talking. Duo sprawled across the bed and thumped the mattress beside him. "C'mon Heero. Stretch out and get comfy," he invited. "Sittin' in one of those stupid chairs'll just give you a backache." He had yet to stay in a hotel where the chairs were anything remotely approaching comfortable.
Heero hesitated for a moment then joined him, stretching out and leaning back against the headboard. Duo scooched up the bed to sit beside him. Settling back to wait, he watched out of the corner of his eye as Heero worried at the edges of the bandage around his wrist, an action that was rapidly becoming a habit.
"I..." Heero stopped and blew out an exasperated breath. "I'm � not sure where to start..." he admitted. "I guess..." He stopped again, his fingers clenching the bandage tightly.
"Start wherever you can," Duo suggested with a shrug. "Beginning, middle, end... Don't worry about it. I'll figure it out."
Heero raised his head and met Duo's eyes, giving him the first genuine � though still somewhat hesitant � smile since before that night at Relena's. Duo smiled back, extremely grateful to see that look on Heero's face again, even if only briefly. "Okay," Heero agreed. "Duo � thank you. For... for everything." He shrugged helplessly, the smile fading, and his eyes met Duo's solemnly, saying all of the things left unspoken. To Duo, they were as clear as if Heero had said them out loud. 'Thank you for coming when Relena called. For finding me. For getting the cuffs off of me. For dragging me to the doctor and getting me patched up. For ditching your job, hell, your whole *life*, just because I didn't want to go back. For spending the past couple of weeks driving all over the damn country because I just wanted to *go*. For not telling me I was crazy or that I was overreacting. For not pushing me to talk about things I wasn't ready to talk about. For just being there...'
"Anytime," Duo responded, his serious tone and expression a sharp contrast to the flippant words.
"I guess... I still don't want to go back," Heero blurted out. "I don't know what I *do* want to do, though. But I know we can't just keep driving..."
"Actually, we could. For a while at least," Duo said thoughtfully. "Not like we have been, though. Not just � driving � day after day.
"But we could pick some places we think sound interesting and go see them. Play tourist. Maybe we'll find someplace we'd like to settle down." He shrugged broadly. "It's not like we can't afford it. I mean, we'll eventually have to start earning money again but we can live off of our savings for quite a while."
There had been a definite flicker of interest in Heero's eyes as Duo spoke. Now, he asked, "Are you sure? You won't mind... not going home?"
Without even stopping to think about whether he was revealing a little too much, Duo responded, "Heero, home's not a place, it's a feeling. I only left behind an apartment." Abruptly realizing what he was saying, Duo bit off the rest of his gut reaction, leaving 'Home's wherever *you* are' unspoken. The implication remained but the time was not right for him to put it into words. Not yet.
Time to get the conversation headed back in its previous direction.
"So � got anyplace in particular in mind? Somewhere you've always kind of wanted to see?" Duo asked curiously. "I know there's a few on my 'gotta get there someday' list..."
The flicker of interest he'd spotted in Heero's eyes turned to quiet eagerness. "We can't exactly drive to some of them but..."
By the time they finished compiling their mutual list, they had enough destinations to keep them busy for months. A lot of the locales were common to both of their wishlists. Places like the Grand Canyon and the Great Wall of China. Duo was less than eager to visit the Great Pyramids of Egypt, though; deserts had very negative associations in his mind due to the events leading up to his time there with Quatre. He kept his hesitation to himself, however, hoping that maybe the fact that he'd be going with Heero would be enough to erase those negative connotations.
"How about we start with a few of the places closest to where we are now, then just work our way through the list?" Duo suggested. "Once you've healed up a little more, we could pick up some camping gear and hit the ones like the Grand Canyon and Yosemite..." Not only would camping out help stretch their money further but it would also let them enjoy some of the natural wonders on their list up close.
"Sounds like a plan," Heero agreed readily, giving Duo another of those quick, faint smiles. "Should you maybe check in with Howard first?"
"Yeah, that'd prob'ly be a good idea." Duo had been waiting for Heero to mention it first. He'd wanted to put it off until Heero was ready to resume at least that much contact with their friends and acquaintances. Now that Heero had brought it up � well, it was definitely time to check in.
