The Pilgrimages of a
Penguin
I love to travel, mostly
because I find it best to be a moving target. In my travels I have been
to 42 different states and two foreign countries. These are a vague
collection of memories I have of various places I have visited, or simply what
I recall about various places.
Alabama:
I’ve been to Alabama
on a handful of trips. I remember Southern Alabama
to be very swampy. Highway 231 south of Montgomery
is a pleasure to drive on.
Dothan:
I was through Dothan
just after Hurricane Opal hit. I will forever remember how a good size
steakhouse sign was bent almost in half thanks to the storm.
Horseshoe Bend National Military Park: I had a bad cold the day I
visited here, which was on January
4, 2004. It’s one of the few
War of 1812 sites in the NPS. Rather pretty, it is.
Huntsville:
I love space sites, so of course I’ve been to the US Space and Rocket Center located
here. I wanted to take a picture of Uncle and Granny taking a picture of
us, but Uncle would not cooperate. I also played in a Magic PTQ here, at
a place called Dr. Bob’s.
Mobile: I’ve been to Mobile
twice. I was on the USS Alabama back in 1986, but quickly found
that touring ships is not my thing.
Alaska:
I have not been yet, but I hope to one day. It will probably be while on
a cruise. Skagway
should be awesome.
Arizona:
On a school trip in 1990 I was in Arizona.
However, I could have enjoyed myself more if the company was better, as Brother
Atkins was the stereotypical Baptist preacher/principal. Odd memories of
this trip are a rest stop where an Indian was selling vast amounts of jewelry
on a blanket, and a fast food joint selling hamburgers with onion rings in
them.
Flagstaff:
This was where the 1990 ACE (Accelerated Christian Education)
Convention took place, on the campus of Northern Arizona University.
I had a dorm room to myself, and had a great view of the mountains.
Grand Canyon: Only got to spend a
few hours here, thanks to that idiot Atkins. The view was OK, but I spent
too much money here on souvenirs and had to skimp on the rest of my journey.
Nogales:
We had made a day long drive from Flagstaff
to Nogales,
before we doubled back to Phoenix
for our flight home. It had the ugliest street walkers I had ever
seen. We crossed the border into Mexico
at around 11pm,
and received some pesos and some odd kind of food. It may have been the
intestine of some animal; I am not sure.
Phoenix:
The only thing I really remember was all the Circle Ks I saw
there.
Arkansas:
This is a state where you pretty much are there just to past through it.
Bentonville: Being a former Wal-Mart employee,
I was curious about seeing the official visitor’s center in Bentonville.
A nice little place located a nice little town square.
Crater of Diamonds State Park: This
is the only diamond mine in North America.
I had no luck when I was there in 1987; I got some interesting rocks, but no
diamonds.
Rogers: Pea
Ridge NMP is located here, and makes for an impressive one lane
drive around the battlefield.
Bahamas:
Nassau:
I so want to go back. Fort
Charlotte especially draws me, as I
did not have time to explore the fort as I’d wish. The Queen’s
Staircase was overrated. The downtown
was a blast to tour; so many nice shops to look thru and there was a place for
10 cents a minute net access. Senor
Frogs wasn’t bad at all, and I’m not usually into bars.
California:
This is the closest I ever want to come to a third-world country. No exit
numbers on the interstates is demonstrative of a state where retards rule the
state because they vote Democrat. My 39th
state.
Berkley:
I was all over this place trying to find a public-access computer with internet
capabilities.
Fairfield:
The Jelly Belly Factory
is an excellent diversion, especially after the hellhole that is the Bay
area. Of all the places we visited in California,
this was my favorite.
Oakland:
The place where I stayed overnight in California.
We were in one of the closest motels to the stadium where the Oakland
Raiders would play a home game the next day. The motel, a Motel 6, was an
overpriced compound, like one would expect in downtown Beirut.
Sacramento:
Rush’s adopted home town, it is the one place I would even consider living at
in California.
Mom and I saw Sutter’s Fort,
which was nice but sadly the gift shop was closed because it was a Sunday.
San Francisco:
You have to pay to get in, via the toll bridges, but it’s free to get out; it
seems that it should be the other way around. I did not get to see Fisherman’s Wharf, but I did get to go to
the Presidio and the Golden Gate Bridge. The best view of
the bridge is from Fort Point, which is almost underneath the
bridge. The Bridge is surprising filled with pedestrians jogging and
walking on both sides of it.
Canada:
The extent I have been in Canada
was entering it at Niagara Falls
and coming back into Buffalo.
I loved the port of entry shop for Canadian souvenirs.
Colorado:
We just drove thru the northeast corner of the state, so I can’t say much about
it. But I do hope to come back. My 42nd
state.
Connecticut:
I have not yet been to this state, but I hope to sometime in 2003. This
will probably be my 43rd state.
Delaware:
We just drove through it to get from Philadelphia
to Baltimore.
District of Columbia:
There is so much to see in the most powerful city on Earth, one could spend
weeks in Washington
D.C.
It’s the city of 53,297 historical sites and 3 parking spaces. I’d love to spend a week here before it gets
nuked thanks to the Democrats.
Arlington:
It can be hard walking all through the hilly cemetery. Still, I got to see Robert E. Lee’s home and
look at the graves of other famous Americans.
FDR Memorial: The most overrated
president of all time. It has 4 separate sections to mark all four terms
of his.
International Temple: The
headquarters of General Grand Chapter
of the Order of the Eastern Star is the most
impressive mansion I have ever been in. Fortunately, I am a member of the
OES so I’m allowed to tour it. It is amidst many of the foreign
embassies.
Jefferson Memorial: This is the
least impressive of the national memorials to presidents in Washington,
but still nice.
Lincoln Memorial: A decent place
for the tyrant that enslaved 9 million people to the rest of North
America.
Smithsonian:
The American History building was
disappointing. The main thing I remember of the Natural
History building was a bunch of molecules (Carbon, Hydrogen,
Oxygen, and Nitrogen) doing the cha-cha in one exhibit. Everyone loves
the Air & Space building; it’s great, but I
prefer Wright-Pat.
Vietnam Veteran’s Memorial:
Various veterans keep vigil over this place, swearing to do so until every
Vietnam MIA is accounted for. These men are true heroes.
Washington Memorial: I am so
thankful that this one sweet elderly lady gave me her ticket to go up
here. When I was at the gift shop in the top, I bought a postcard for her
daughter and granddaughter to give her. Even with all the scaffolding, it
was still wonderful to view out. Security was tight then in 2000 when I
visited; one can only imagine how tight it is now.
White House: What you get to see as a tourist
is not worth the hassle, especially after 9/11.
Florida:
My favorite state to visit, even through all but one time I have visited the
state it has been to go to Walt Disney World, which I am giving “state”
treatment on this page. Unfortunately, this is the home of three evil
women on the internet I have had the misfortune to meet. Welcome centers
are filled with tourist information and gives out free orange juice to thirsty
travelers.
Cape Canaveral:
The home of the Kennedy Space Center, it is truly the home
of the American dream. I went there in 1984 and remember loving it.
Everglades: A very pretty
national park. I had the chance to meet a baby crocodile there; I did not
wait around to meet its mama. The mosquitoes were horrendous at Flamingo
point, so visitors there should be forewarned.
Gainesville:
A nice place to get a hotel on the 2-day trip to WDW. The home of one of
the most evil cyber-witches I have ever had the misfortune to encounter.
Homestead:
This was the place we stayed at while visiting the Keys. They were still
recovering from a hurricane they endured two years before.
Jacksonville:
Fort
Caroline is a recreation of a French fort here and is not worth
the hassle going to. I wanted to see a
few other things, but the city is too oddly built for easy finding of key
spots.
Key
West: This was a nice little town, with the weirdest
looking Waldenbooks I have ever seen. We toured Fort
Washington,
but it was poorly run by the local government. I saw the southernmost point of the contiguous US,
where someone offered to take my picture with my camera, but he looked so
sleazy I thought it best to not take him up on his offer. This is
definitely the place where people go off half-conched. On my
second trip I had to go to a Walgreens built
Kissimmee:
The true home town of WDW.
The strip of restaurant and tourist traps go from miles to miles. There
was a quality place named Key W. Kool’s here, but once
they lost their penguin mascot, they became simply another “eat-em-up” joint.
Ocala:
Just north of the northern terminus of the Florida Turnpike on I-75, this
features a welcome center for WDW-bound
travelers. It’s a nice way to get acquainted with WDW, but
was much better when AAA was with them as well.
Orlando:
Ah yes, the city “the Mouse” accidentally built. I have never been to Universal Studios
or Sea World, even
with the 200 penguins there. But there is the Belz Outlet Mall with a store called Character
Warehouse that sells official, close-out, WDW merchandise.
Panama City
Beach:
I visited this town just after Hurricane Opal hit. There was
impressive damage, but it was still open for business. The innkeeper of
the place we stayed out was a sweet little Filipino lady who could speak 7
languages, not all that uncommon for someone from the Philippines.
St. Augustine:
This is a lovely little town. The Castillo de San Marcos
is quite worthy of visitation, as is the old town. The Ripley’s Museum, or at least was when I was
12 years old, is cool. Seven miles south of town is Fort
Mantazas,
which is my favorite fort in the world and is a joy to explore. When I
was there, there was a controversy about street artists/vendors in the Old
City; I never found out what happened.
Tallahassee:
It likes to advertise itself as “The Big T”, or at least once did. This
is the home of a corrupt cyber-official, who aided my cyberstalker
by giving credence to false accusations against me. I have the
goods to get the sow fired, except that I don’t know exactly where to complain
to, so she has so far gotten away with sinning against me. “Thou shalt not bear false witness
against thy penguin.”
Tampa:
I went through here on my way to the Keys and the Everglades
from Orlando.
Since I never really saw it, I will always deem it as the home of my
cyber-stalker; imagine WWE wrestler Victoria in Peg Bundy’s body clone with an
Ally McBeal fantasy life and
a 42A-bra. She wishes she could have me but, since she won’t ever get
that privilege, she feels the need to defame me every chance she gets.
Georgia:
The gateway to Florida,
it has always struck me as a great place to call home someday. Georgia
tends to have the cheapest gas in the country, and I recommend you fill up here
before going into Florida.
Adel: Forty miles north of the Florida
border on I-75, it is home of the King Frog Outlets, a nice little diversion.
Andersonville: the most
infamous prison during the War of Northern Aggression, it is only for War
aficionados.
Atlanta:
The true capital of Dixie.
The World of Coca-Cola is a fun place to visit,
mostly because of the free samples at the end of the tour, featuring standard
soft drinks made by Coca-Cola and those around the world. I highly
recommend the watermelon soda from China.
Fort Frederica: This fort was
built by the English in 1736 to repel possible Spanish attack. It makes
for a nice little sojourn.
Fort Pulaski: This was the fort
that proved masonry forts and smooth-bore cannons obsolete, as rifled cannon
turned it to Swiss cheese. If you like forts, you will love this one.
Macon:
Ocmulgee NM hosts the most impressive ancient
Indian mounds in the Southeast US.
Marietta: Kennesaw
Mountain NB had grand hopes for expansion when I was there; I
hope they came through. In town, the Kennesaw Civil War Museum has the General,
the locomotive Union saboteurs tried to use but were eventually captured and
some hanged for it. The Disney movie The Great Locomotive Chase commemorated
the event. I am dying to go to the Southern Museum of Civil War and
Locomotive History when it opens, as it’s linked with the
Smithsonian.
McDonough: This once had the best seafood buffet on the planet,
called Duster’s. Sadly, it closed sometime before May 1998.
Savannah:
I don’t care much for being on tall bridges, but US-17’s was pretty. I just wished we could have gone to Paula Deen’s restaurant there.
Tifton: Agrirama was OK, but I had been to too many
similar places to enjoy it. There are some great places here to shop and
buy nuts and Vandalia onions.
Valdosta:
The last Georgian town before one comes to Florida.
Grandma had us go to Sunday school at a local church before we continued on our
way to WDW in 1986.
Warm Springs: In 1986 we saw FDR’s Little White House. It was a pleasant
little place for what he used it for…cheating on his wife.
Hawaii:
I hope to visit this someday, although sitting at a beach is not my idea of a
perfect vacation, although visiting Pearl Harbor
and some Volcanoes would be cool.
Idaho:
Mom and I only went through the panhandle. We were in serious danger of
running out of gas most of the way through it.
Wallace: There was this place called the Oasis Bordello Museum that,
had I been alone, I would have visited. But I felt odd visiting it while
on a trip with my Mom, so I didn’t.
Illinois:
The most boring state to travel though, it is flatter than a completely naked
Brit.
Arcola: This is the home of Rockome Gardens, a pleasant little place to visit; a
free mini-Rock City with a strong Amish influence.
Bishop Hill: Scandinavian immigrants seeking religious freedom
came to this place in 1846. This was my first experience with dried
grapefruit candy.
Bloomington:
I went here in December 2000 to participate in a free PTQ, where I was
mediocre.
Carbondale:
I’ve been to this town twice, in order to go to Southern Illinois University’s Egyptian Campaign.
This is a very hard campus to guide oneself in, as it’s laid out like a skillet
of snakes.
Champaign-Urbana: I was the victim of a hit and
run here, as it was a snowy night with icy roads. I made a U-turn after I
was hit, but the guy kept on going. Fortunately, the damage to my car, Sandstorm,
was minimal. I also had my best Grand
Prix Trial performance here, although we got mixed up on the way on whether the
place was in Champaign or Urbana. There was a great pizza place nearby.
Chicago: Traffic jams are always a concern, but recommend non-rush
hour travel through it as the bypass around it is slow and expensive, thanks to
the toll gates. I was underwhelmed by the Lincoln
Park Zoo; not enough penguins. It was the zoo that got me
to consider the scientific name for Rockhoppers as Eudyptes crestatus, not
Eudyptes chrysocome
Gurnee: It has a Rainforest Café in a mall, always a nice
place to eat on occasion. There is also a Six Flags here, which I have never been but
looks quite impressive.
Nauvoo: I wish I had more time to have explored
the town.
New Salem: Nothing but a bunch of
log cabins commemorating Lincoln’s
brief period here. There is no need to go here unless you are a Lincolnphile.
Indiana: See separate page
Iowa:
You ought to give it a try, or at least the song says you should. It has
its perks.
Amana Colonies: Founded by German
settlers, this collection of seven villages offers many wonderful shopping
opportunities.
Des Moines:
There is not much to see to this city. I had a bad run-in with a resident
of this town; we would make the perfect internet allies, but this Praxil-overdosing Anna Nicole
clone decided to believe falsehoods about me, and she continues to risk have a
slander suit filed against her by me.
Riverside:
This is said to be the future birthplace of Captain Kirk. They
have a celebration every June in honor of this
upcoming event. I caught it as it was packing down for the year; at least
I got a nice picture of the featured Enterprise.
Sioux City:
Wonderfully situated at the tri-state area of Iowa,
Nebraska,
and South Dakota,
they have an excellent place to eat called Coyote Canyon, an
all-you-can-eat steak buffet.
Kansas:
When I went here for Grand Prix Kansas City, a fellow participant said one can
experience Kansas
at night simply by closing one’s eyes. It’s the epitome of fly-over
country.
Atchison:
The hometown of Amelia Earhart,
it has the Atchison Rail Museum.
I was too late to visit inside, but I got to tour the grounds and saw a
Masonic/railroad gravestone.
Fort Scott: there is some pretty
country around here, and the fort and its environs was
gorgeous.
Kansas City:
The city is seamlessly divided by Kansas
and Missouri,
making it hard to know which state you are in if you are not paying attention.
Leavenworth:
a nice memorial to buffalo soldiers is here, as well as some museums. I
arrived too late to visit them, however.
Kentucky: See separate page
Louisiana:
The home of Cajun cooking, Britney Spears, and the world’s biggest &
dimmest Céline Dion fan, Louisiana
has been a place I have visited but not really explored. I hope to
finally travel to New Orleans
someday.
Maine:
I have not visited this state; it will probably be either state #46 or #47.
Maryland:
The parts of the state that I have been it are rather distinct. I-66
across the panhandle of the state is a viable alternative to the tolls of the
Pennsylvania Turnpike, but is rather barren due to its relative newness.
Baltimore:
Fort McHenry
has been a problem for us to visit. The first time we tried, we were 15
minutes too late. The second time we only had 30 minutes before closing. The third time was the charm, as I found out
some great history stories I had not known before.
Chesapeake
& Ohio Canal NHP: It’s really not worth the bother
safe to get off the boring I-66.
Frederick:
This is the sight of a surprisingly good battlefield. Monocacy
NB could have allowed the CSA
to have freedom, but due to its failure, the South was doomed to be enslaved.
Sharpsburg:
This is the site of the Battle of Sharpsburg, AKA Antietam. There are various
sites, but the best is the lookout tower. The Chesapeake & Ohio Canal
NHP is strictly for canal enthusiasts.
Massachusetts:
I have not yet gone to “Taxachusetts”,
but I am dying to go to Boston.
This will probably be my 45th state.
Mexico:
I have been to Mexico
twice. The first time was in first grade, but I have no clear memories of
it. The second time was when we crossed over from Nogales.
I got some weird food and some 500-peso coins, 5-7 in total.
Michigan:
In 1991 Mom was shocked when I told her I had never been more north in Indiana
than Conner’s Prairie. My main memories of my first Michigan
trip were seeing an episode of Police Squad! and
having my toenail come off in a swimming pool.
Battle Creek:
The home of my favorite wrestler, Rob Van Dam (RVD). This is the home of Kellogg’s,
thus making any mass murderer who lives here a cereal killer. J
Frankenmuth: It is said that Bronner’s
is the biggest Christmas store in the world, but I found it
disappointing. How can a decent Xmas store not have many penguins?
Holland:
This town was started by Dutch immigrants. They have one of the few authentic
Dutch windmills in mill and has many interesting
places to visit.
Jackson:
I wanted to visit some internet friends here, but that fell through.
Also, the Michigan Space Center here was an obvious
disappointment before I paid to get in, so I didn’t; I only toured the gift
shop and the grounds. The Center was definitely in the middle of nowhere
and was hard to find.
Lansing:
I went to this town in 2002 for the Michigan
Grand Court. This
is where I gained my taste for 7-Eleven slurpees.
Minnesota:
Mom, Granny, and I visited this state just before the massive flooding on the Missouri
River.
Bloomington:
The Mall of
America is massive. It needs to be seen to be believed.
Mississippi:
Although I was through here in 1987 coming back from Houston,
my main excursion into this state was in 1995.
Gulfport:
Being a human Eudyptes crestatus
aside, I am not much of beaches, although the one here is pleasant. Much
more my speed is the John C. Stennis
Space Center, a major testing center for NASA rockets. Mom
and I wanted to see it in 1987 but could not wait for it to open. We got
to see it in 1995 and I am so glad; it’s the best of the NASA centers.
Kosciusko: In my 1995 fall trip I had already eaten seafood 4-5
nights in a row, so I decided to add to the total by participating in the
All-You-Can-Eat seafood buffet there. The food was majorly
sub par.
Natchez Trace:
I prefer this road over the Blue
Ridge Parkway, as one
can go 50mph on it. There are too many different exhibits and stopovers
of historical importance to mention here. Mount
Locust
is the best stop along it, at mile marker 15.
In 2004 I drove up from Tupelo
all the way back home at night, having to slow down several times for the deer
that had ghostly eyes.
Tupelo:
It was a pain finding the sites to see downtown. I wish we had tried to
find Elvis’ birthplace.
Vicksburg:
I like visiting War sights, but I found it disappointing. Maybe it was
the bad weather?
Missouri:
I find I-70 through Missouri
to be a very pretty drive. This state can always “show me” more.
Independence:
The Truman NHS
is well done, although I never bothered with a tour. There was a
bookstore here called Blue & Grey Book Shoppe which is simply
awesome.
Joplin:
We found a great barbeque restaurant called Rib
Crib here. I so hope they build one
in Louisville soon.
Kansas City:
I must say that the Royals have a pretty ballfield
at Kauffman Stadium. I was here for Grand
Prix-KC. I was so sleepy that I spent most of Friday afternoon and
evening asleep. It is very easy to get lost here.
Kingdom
City:
Ozarkland is a mini-Wall
Drug celebrating the Ozarks. If you like classier tourist traps, here you
go.
New Madrid:
This is the center of a fault line running parallel to the Mississippi
River. As long as this town is no great shakes,
we’ll be fine. J
Springfield:
Wilson’s Creek
NB was nice, but Fantastic Caverns is better; it is the only
cave tour in North America you do
by riding a jeep. I took the tour in 1990, buying some bat T-shirts with
sunglasses that I loved to death. On my 2000 trip to Dallas
I stopped here and bought a hat shaped like a bat.
St. Charles:
This is the sight of my best Magic performance outside of Indianapolis.
I shall always recall that day, especially since I picked up a penguin for good
luck there, which I named “Louie Charles”.
St. Louis:
I never tire of seeing the Gateway Arch, which inspired me to make the
pun “Are Republicans in St. Louis
arch-conservatives?” The Jefferson National Expansion Memorial
underneath is quite informative. The view from the top isn’t bad; a great
view of Busch Stadium.
Montana:
This is a giant-sized Kentucky
with mountains. It definitely earns its nickname “Big Sky”. The
cheapest traffic tickets in the nation are here, as police officers hate to
give speeding tickets here, as I saw first hand, as I witness a man and an
officer debating over the ticket. One wonders about the homos who decided
that having no speed limit was unconstitutional.
Butte:
We spent the night after Yellowstone
here. My car, Sandstorm, struggled up the hills here. Seeing a
brochure for a hotel in Calgary
really enforced to me that I was finally out west.
Custer NB:
The site of the Battle of Little Big Horn, where Custer got Siouxed. One truly does not understand what a
precarious situation Custer got himself in until one sees this land; massive
hills. My main memory of the place was getting so desperate to get rid of
some poison ivy that I use fingernail clippers to cut open the bumps and
thoroughly washing off the area.
Cut Bank: I want to go here sometime just to see the World’s
Largest Penguin. I will probably visit Glacier NP
when I do it.
Deer Lodge: The Grant-Kohrs
Ranch was unmanned, but a very nice little jaunt.
Gardiner: The northern entranceway to Yellowstone.
Outlaws Pizza servea
an awesome cheeseburger pizza.
Nebraska:
Talk about the middle of nowhere. If you want to know what it is like to
be in a coma, without the inconvenience of unconsciousness, go to Nebraska.
Fort Kearney: Mom and I were going
to buy lots of souvenirs here, but after being force to pay a parking fee or
risk towing we did not bother. The site was rather unassuming.
Nevada:
Ah, the state where sin is king. Traveling on I-80 throughout the state,
one gets use to the desolation.
New Hampshire:
I have not been yet, maybe in 2003 as my 46th or 47th
state.
New Jersey:
I think we once stayed in Jersey
need Yale. I’d call the place we stayed the night a dump, but that would
be insulting dumps.
New Mexico:
Mom once got a wild hare and we lived here for less than a year.
Albuquerque:
What a city for a first grader like I at the time to learn. This was
where I was ran over by a car, but proved my toughness by getting up
afterwards, only for some older kids to force me onto the ground and got my
mother and an ambulance. I want to go back someday to process my memories
of a first grader as an adult.
New York:
As Bill Bryson said, why does NY State call itself the “Empire
State”,
as it’s never had an empire? I liked the place well enough when I was
there in 1996.
Buffalo:
In any other state it would be the biggest, but it plays second fiddle to NYC
and suffers for it. As an aficionado of Teddy Roosevelt, I
recommend the TR
Inaugural NHS.
Elmira:
I visited the grave of Mark Twain here. It is
fortunately tasteful.
Niagara Falls:
It’s not as big up close as you would imagine. Still, the “Maid of the
Mist” is a fun ride. I wondered while I was there if I
would want Dr. Gerald Ruth, head of IUS geography/geology/astronomy,
there. On the good side, he could tell me all about the Falls. On the bad side, he could tell me all about the
Falls. J
North Carolina:
Mostly, this has been a state to drive thru, although it does
have its merits.
Cherokee: Outside of a couple selling gaudy trinkets, I don’t
remember too many Indians here. What I do remember is a Long John Silver’s
that sold their menu at a higher price than the one at home. I also
remember the slide at the swimming pool where we stayed the night, but I was
too afraid to use it as I had not yet learned to swim, even thro it emptied out
in the shallow end. Everybody had retired early that night, but I could
not sleep due to my motion sickness. We left early the next morning, but ti was a while before I recovered.
Kill Devil Hills: This is where the Wright Brothers
truly made history, not at Kitty Hawk.
These were some lovely hills.
Manteo: This is the site for Fort Raleigh NHS,
where in 1587 many English colonists simply disappeared. Mom had done a
major paper concerning the Roanoke
settlers when she ha gone back to school, so this was a big deal for her.
There was a former high school principal who worked there as an
reenactor; his over-the-top
performance was quite enjoyable.
North Dakota:
I wasn’t in this state long, only covering the extreme southwest corner.
This was my 33rd state.
Ohio:
The drivers of this state are not only idiots, but assholes as well.
Chillicothe:
The Hopewell
Culture NHP is only for Indian enthusiasts.
Cincinnati:
The home of my Cincinnati Reds; I will miss Riverfront
Stadium. I visited the Taft NHS on 9/11. I had thought about going
to the University of
Cincinnati, but it was not to be. I went to Kings Island
in 1988, and loved the water rides.
Columbus:
I have lost track of how many PTQs I have gone to here.
The Greater Columbus Convention Center is an
excellent place, as is the nearby North Market with all its food vendors.
The German
Village
has the Book Loft, with 32 rooms of books for everyone, and the
Schmidt Sausage Haus, which
has an excellent buffet.
Dayton:
Wright-Patterson AFB has my favorite airplane museum, the USAF Museum.
This is where I had my one go of running a sanctioned Magic tournament, only
for it to be a much smaller convention than I expected, with only two people
there that even knew how to play, leaving me stuck with a whole booster box of Planeshit
cards. (That is an intentional misspelling.)
West Point:
This is where John Hunt Morgan had to surrender. A rest area west of town
marks it.
Oklahoma:
My only real memories of the state were from my October 2000 trip to Dallas,
although Mom says I was in the state previously, in my extreme childhood.
I found the terrain ruggedly pretty.
Fort
Towson:
I wanted to see where Stand Watie,
the last Confederate General to surrender, did so but I was 30 minutes late
getting there. The horrendous rain in Arkansas
was the cause of my failure to see it.
Oregon:
As a reader of the Wagons West series, I had long wanted to go to this
state and did in October 2001. With no sales tax it is a wonderful place
to buy things, but the income taxes here must be murder. My 38th state.
Astoria:
Originally settled by Americans in 1808 on the urging of American fur baron
John Jacob Astor, this is a pretty town which is the gateway to Fort Clatsop NM,
where Lewis & Clark stayed the winter on the Pacific. Nearby is where
I finally got my feet wet by the Pacific, entitling me to say that I have been
“from sea to shining sea.”
Portland:
We just drove through it, but we did stop at Newport Bay Seafood
Broiler where I had some excellent poached salmon.
Pennsylvania:
A word of warning; the former colony of Penn’s Woods does not believe in
adequate road signs, and you will often become lost. A huge topographical
atlas of the state will serve you well if you travel any secondary roads at
all.
Altoona:
I was lucky when I visited Horseshoe Curve NHL that trains were using
the curve as I observed. It is an interesting ride
from the visitor’s center to the Curve; very Alpish.
Cresson: The Allegheny Portage Railroad NHS is for anyone
who can appreciate American ingenuity. There is a very nice home video of
the place.
Fort
Necessity NB: I was not too impressed with the place,
but I want to go back as it was 1987 when I was there.
Gettysburg:
I prefer the movie over the battlefield, as the town has seriously built up
around and on the battlefield. My favorite marker there is the Masonic one, which notes when a Confederate
soldier gave in his dying breathe a watch to a Union officer to give to his
family. Both being Masons, the Union officer returned the watch, as
requested, to the general’s family. Also in town is Eisenhower NHS,
the retirement home of the WWII general and president. It is a lovely
tour and well recommended, especially the ranger talks discussing various
topics of Ike’s life like the incompetence of British General Montgomery.
Hershey: This is my favorite small town, as chocolate truly does
permeate the air and the street lights downtown are shaped like Hershey’s
Kisses. It was here in 1989 that I learned about the Tiananmen Square
Massacre. It was also here one year that I started a brief habit of
purposely “initiating” pools; doesn’t ask how. Hershey’s
Chocolate World is very EPCOTish;
after a pleasant ride you get a few Kisses and a chance to go thru the MASSIVE
gift areas and food areas. It was here one year that a liberal put a bomb
threat on my car just because of my bumper sticker, cementing my distrust of
liberals and my desire to rub them out.
Intercourse: I have heard there is nothing else like it. J Many
quaint shops here in the heart of Pennsylvania Butch territory.
Johnstown:
Here is the one time that the rich did indeed hurt the poor, as the flood was
caused by piss-poor dams upriver for a luxury resort. It is a long walk
from the Visitor’s
Center to the Lake
at the NHS, so drive between the two as you definitely do not want to
hike back up that hill. Be careful when watching the movie there; it
frightened even a he-man (he-bird?) like me.
Lititz: Sturgis Pretzel House has the best hot soft
pretzels you will find anywhere. I even learned how to make a pretzel
here.
Philadelphia:
It was back in 1987 that I really did anything with the city, so my memories
are scarce. What I most remember is some kind of weird phones dedicated
to Ben Franklin at the Independence NHS.
Pittsburgh:
It has the best name for a hockey team, but downtown parking is
ridiculous. I wanted to go by Fort Pitt, but I couldn’t thanks to bad
parking.
Valley Forge:
This was a nice place to visit once, but I would not care to go back.
York:
This was a town that once held the seat of US Government during the 1st
American Revolution. My main memory of the town was having two brats keep
tripping over my feet while I was waiting for a booth at the Red Lobster,
so I had to put the fear of God into him for them to leave me alone.
Rhode Island:
I have not been to “Rogue
Island”
yet, but I hope to do so in 2003. It will probably be my 44th
state.
South Carolina:
Ah, the state where individuals had the balls to do what was right and seceded
from the Union. There’s a
lot of swamp here, but is pretty in its own way.
Charleston:
Truly this is the home of heroes. Fort Sumter requires a ferry ride, but the
grounds are nice. A park ranger there once joked about Sherman’s
“urban renewal” policies.
Cowpens NB: Outside of Uncle being
there, I don’t recall much.
King’s Mountain NMP: By the time we
arrived here, it was a long time since we had started our journey, so I was too
tired to explore the area and truly enjoy it. I regret that.
Ninety-Six NHS: This is the site
where Colonial soldiers besieged Tories, only to eventually give up the siege,
and then the Tories evacuating the fort soon afterwards. There was a nice
hiking trail behind the visitor’s center, where on a tower I studied how well
yellow liquid can arc while falling from a great height. Don’t ask.
South of the Border: This is
another of the Seven Wonders of the Tourist Trap World. SOB is an
experience, especially since its Pablos
are not politically correct. But when I
went back in 2005, I ahd grown up and this is just a
little too tacky for the refinement of a penguin like me.
South Dakota:
I-80 across South Dakota
is a stretched-out Gatlinburg. You’d be amazed at what you see. I
will never forget the time the map flew out of my hands while we were at a gas
station with a museum attached, and I had to do a 440 to catch it. We Rockhoppers were meant to swim and hop, not run
cross-country.
Chamberlain: At a rest area was an impressive Lewis & Clark Interpretive Center, with a
more impressive view of the river. Across the river we had some buffalo
burgers.
Mitchell: The Corn Palace is covered with corn, and is
fairly impressive, if hokey. I bought a T-shirt there declaring it the
World’s Biggest Birdfeeder.
Mount Rushmore: As impressive as it
seems in pictures, it is even more so in person. Of course, if would be
much improved if it had been General Lee’s face up there and not Lincoln’s,
but oh well. Be sure to catch the view of Washington’s
head from the side.
Wall: It’s the home of world-famous Wall Drug.
It’s actually fairly respectable. This is also the town where I first
learned that the USA
actually has areas called National Grasslands.
Tennessee:
Tennessee
considers itself the home of music, with Nashville
being the home of country music and Memphis
being Elvis’ home. This is one of the best places to speed, as Tennessee
is noted for lax enforcement of speed limits. There’s a chain of
restaurants named Crockett’s, which offers excellent food.
Chattanooga:
In 1984 Uncle took us to Ruby Falls, which is a waterfall inside a
cavern. In 2001 Mom and I visited Rock City, which I thought was overpriced
except for the fact we were viewing it on the opening night of their annual
Christmas lights festival; my favorite part was the lighted up
penguins, naturally. I always wanted to go to Confederama, but apparently its closed now. There was also the neat Dragon
Dreams Museum, but the gift shop was free and just as good so I
settled for it.
Gatlinburg: I was only there in 1986, but I do remember it being
one long strip of tourist traps.
Great Smokey
Mountains National Park: My only real memory of going
through the park is the gaining of travel sickness due to the altitude and
curvy roads, which is the reason Mom has never wanted to go back as she doesn’t
want me to be that sick
Greeneville: This is the site where General John Hunt Morgan was
shot in cold blood by savage Union forces, forever marking this town with
shame. It is also the home of Andrew Johnson, who was Lincoln’s
successor but would have had a happier life, I think,
if he had just stayed a tailor here. The birthplace of Davy Crockett is nearby; it is
not a mountaintop as the song suggests.
Knoxville:
I had always wanted to see the Sunsphere,
and finally got to do so in 1998. It did not seem as big as I had
imagined.
McMinnville: This was the starting point of John Hunt Morgan’s
Great Raid. I remember the lonely February night in which I had to hope
for the best when I took a picture of the marker noting it with flash
photography fortunately, it came out great.
Memphis:
Three of my favorite celebrities come from Memphis:
Jerry “The
King” Lawler, Elvis Presley, and Shannon
Doherty. We drove by Graceland,
but did not stop to visit. The Pyramid is pretty, as is the
waterfront. The Mid-South Convention Center is nice, but the
downtown nearby is definitely not a place to visit at night. I was hoping
to come across some “Lawler for Mayor” paraphernalia when I was down there for
Grand Prix-Memphis in September of 1999, as that was the year he was running
for it, but nothing came my way.
Murfreesboro:
This is the site of the Battle of Stone’s River, which was a drawn
out War battle. My brother and I almost had to pay admission to a museum
masquerading as a gift shop, but luckily we didn’t.
Nashville:
The
Hermitage seemed pricey, so we only went to the gift shop and
looked from afar. The Opryland
Hotel is a pleasant place for a convention. The whiniest Magic opponent I
ever faced was in Nashville.
Natchez Trace: Beautiful scenery,
and interesting exhibits, but the best parts of the Trace was back in Mississippi.
Shiloh NMP: This is a wonderful
battlefield, but was cold when we visited in December of 1988. I had a
battle simulation for the battle, and was going to do a presentation about the
battle in my US at War class in high school, which was the purpose of
the trip. I want to go back someday.
Union City:
I had wanted to go there, as one of my favorite wrestlers growing up, “The
Birdman” Koko B. Ware, hailed from there. I got majorly turned around for my efforts.
Texas:
I often feel that I belong in Texas.
When I think Texas,
I always think about the frontage roads that are always prevalent.
Although I went there a couple times as a baby, my main memories are from my 1987
trip to Houston
with Mom, and my 2000 solo trip to Dallas.
Dallas:
I didn’t really tour this town when I was here for Grand-Prix Dallas, but I did
find an excellent mall that did excellent arrangements similar to flower
arrangements but using different candies whenever possible. The most fun
I ever had drafting was at the GP when we did a speed draft, where everyone
only had 4 seconds to draft a card.
Houston:
The Astrodome was OK, but my main memory was of
walking from the Astrocenter
to a nearby Target. The Johnson Space Center was lackluster.
San Antonio:
The Alamo
was a major disappointment; they tell you to take your hats off as a sign of
respect, but the tourist-trappish
gift shop counters that. It being in the heart of San
Antonio does not help.
The River
Walk is very pleasant; I remembered it from an episode of Real
People, and I am glad I did. The shop I remember most along there was a Tabasco
place.
Texarkana:
Is it Texas,
or is it Arkansas.
Regardless, it gave me a last chance to buy Texas
souvenirs before I came back in 2000,
Waco:
This is the home of the Texas Ranger Hall of Fame. I did not
really appreciate it on my 1987 visit, and I went there in 2000 to get a feel for
it as an adult. It’s not a bad place, but not one I would try hard to go
back to.
West: This town was established by Czech immigrants, and keeps
that feeling. Excellent Czech food can be found here.
Utah:
This was the home stretch of my 2001 trip out west. It was
here I heard the unfortunate news about The Great One’s loss of hearing. I was
hoping to buy some 2002 Winter Olympic stuff, but it
was sadly lacking.
Bonneville: World famous for its Salt Flats.
The only things I saw racing by were semis on I-80.
Golden Spike
NHS: I love railroad stuff. We arrived just in
time to see the last train of the year using that track.
Ogden:
It was here at a Cracker Barrel that we found out about a
winter storm coming, so we traveled all night to evade it.
Salt Lake City:
maybe if I was Mormon I would have liked the Mormon Temple better, but I found it
disappointing, especially after having to deal with SLC
construction.
Vermont:
I have not yet been, but I want to see St. Albans.
This will probably be my 48th state.
Virginia:
It is hard to spit and not have it land on something historic in Virginia.
Alexandria:
The George
Washington Masonic National Memorial has an impressive view of
the city.
Appomattox:
For Virginia,
it’s in the middle of nowhere. OK if you happen to be in the
neighborhood.
Arlington:
The site of Grand Prix Washington, this was my first experience with Ethiopian
food.
Blue Ridge
Parkway: Very pretty, but too slow of a pace for
me. I remember getting a little toy raccoon here in 1987 which I decided
to dub Kitchy-Kitchy-Coon.
Fredericksburg:
Centered upon this town are four different battlefields, all labeled under Fredericksburg and
Spotsylvania NMP (Chancellorsville
and Wilderness being the others not named). What is truly hollowed ground
is where Stonewall
Jackson spent his last days. As an ancestor of mine
carried him off the field at Chancellorsville,
I am moved by the site.
Jamestown:
It had some nice ships at the Jamestown Settlement, but the main thing I
remember was a worker there stating that “ninjitsu is
Japanese for bullshit”.
Manassas:
The site of First and Second Battles of Manassas is still well preserved,
even through much of the rest of the town is part of Washington
DC
sprawl. I understand why the local residents did not want a Disney park
there.
Shenandoah NP:
While Skyline Drive
is pretty, it is just too slow for a man of action such as me.
Williamsburg: Go to the visitor’s center of Colonial
Williamsburg, but do NOT buy any tickets, as all the shops you
can get in for free and the buildings the tickets actually lets you into are
definitely not worth the price.
Yorktown:
Originally, Colonial
NHP was the only place in the world you could buy all of the
national park stamps at once, as it’s the headquarters of the official National
Park vendors, Eastern National. The most impressive
thing here is the earthworks.
Walt Disney World:
Having been here nine times (1984, 1986, 1988, 1991, 1994, 1995, 1998, Dec.
2000), I have become an expert on the place.
Animal Kingdom: It is very easy to finish this park quickly.
I like Dinosaur! The feature, It’s Tough To Be a
Bug, can be a bit rough on one’s nerves. Rainforest Café is the
only decent place to eat.
Discovery
Island:
This was a great place to kill time, but once Animal Kingdom opened,
they closed it down, which is a tragedy.
Downtown Disney: If you want different place to shop and eat, then
here’s the place.
EPCOT: Test Trak
is a wonderful ride. For the only time in her life, Ellen Degenerate was
actually amusing in the Universe of Energy. The American Adventure has a
show that every American should see once. The restaurant in The Land is
the best place for a meal in WDW if you don’t feel like eating ethnic cuisines.
Norway’s
Akershus restaurant features
a koldbardt that
features wonderful cold fish dishes.
Magic
Kingdom:
The Timekeeper is my favorite attraction in Tomorrowland. The Tiki
Birds used to be great, but I hate how they redid it. Splash
Mountain
is lots of fun. Fantasyland is more for kids. Liberty Tavern is the
best place to eat in the Magic
Kingdom.
MGM-Studios: Aerosmith’s Rock n’ Roller Coaster
is the wildest ride at WDW; stomachs beware. I love the orchestra at
Muppet-Vision (naturally). Star Tours
is wonderful. The best food here is at Mama Melrose’s.
Pleasure
Island:
I love the Adventurer’s Club; I could spend all night here. The Comedy
Warehouse features improv. Many cool stores are
here.
Washington:
This is the only state on the Pacific coast I could tolerate living in.
Seattle:
I could have spent more time here, but couldn’t thanks to Mom. I did not
get to experience the Space Needle or Pike’s Place
Market or British
Columbia just so Mom could
visit some craft store similar to any back home. Ugh! I did get to
see from the outside the headquarters of Wizards of the Coast, and go to one of
their official stores at the Northgate Mall, that also had some great
shops like As Seen On TV and Made in Washington, where we bought
some salmon chili mix. Klondike Gold Rush NHP had wonderful
exhibits, but we were unable to see the AV presentations as they were holding
off until some school kids came.
Vancouver:
This is the home of Fort Vancouver, where much of the Wagons
West series was centered upon. I was disappointed by it, but then
again, it could never have hoped to match with my fertile imagination.
West Virginia:
Someone once said that were you to flatten out West
Virginia, it would be the
largest state in the Union.
The fact that Alaska
is so mountainous aside, I can not help but think of how credible that
statement is.
Harper’s
Ferry: A very pretty town, which not only trains many
National Park Rangers but also is the headquarters of the Appalachian Trail.
Spread throughout the ton is various interpretive sites as well as shops.
Be prepared to walk up and down hills, as that’s pretty much the whole
town. Walking across the bridge to admire the view is recommended.
Morgantown:
I spent a few days here for field experience. It was snowy, so I had some interesting
pictures from there.
Wheeling: There is a very pretty park called Oglebay just north of the town.
Wisconsin:
What a cheesy state. It is a pretty one.
Green Bay:
I wanted to go to the Northeastern Wisconsin Zoo to see the
penguins, but they were already put away for the day. The National
Railroad Museum was awesome. This was also where I bought
a Cheesehead.
Madison:
Mom and I went here for Grand Court Wisconsin in 1997.
Milwaukee:
The home of GEN
CON for so many years, its lack of class is responsible for GEN
CON moving to Indianapolis
in 2003. The Midwest Express Center is a decent place for
a convention, aside from the weird layout. The best parts are the nearby
Government Bookstore, where many books published by the US Government can be
bought, and Major Goolsby’s,
a nice little sports bar. This city also features many nice German
restaurants.
Pepin: The home of Laura Ingalls Wilder, I prefer the Pepin
Railroad Depot
Museum
to the one dedicated to Wilder.
Wyoming:
I may have a skewed opinion of Wyoming,
as the only time I saw the state in daylight was at Yellowstone,
as Mom and I drove through the center of the state at night to outrun a Rocky
Mountain
snowstorm.
Yellowstone
National Park: Nature’s Disneyworld,
it has many beautiful lakes and geysers. I did not see any bears, but
plenty of buffalo. In many places you are told to be careful where you
step, lest you fall in boiling hot water.
So
many places I have visited, so many more to go to.
Trips:
1984:
Disney World, Kennedy
Space Center,
St. Augustine
with Adrian, Granny, and Uncle
1986:
Disney World, Great Smoky Mountains
with Mom, Adrian, Granny, and Uncle
1987:
Texas,
with Mom.
Pennsylvania, Washington DC, Virginia with Mom, Adrian, Granny, and Uncle.
1988:
Disney World, with Mom, Adrian, Granny, and Uncle.
1989:
Pennsylvania,
New Jersey,
with Mom, Adrian, and Granny.
Shiloh and Natchez
Trace (TN) with Mom, Adrian, and Granny.
1990:
Arizona,
with Brother Atkins and rest of Jeff Baptist Schools ACE contingent.
Memphis, Arkansas, Missouri with Mom, Adrian, and Granny.
1991:
Disney World, Carolinas,
Virginia
with Mom, Adrian, Granny, and Uncle.
Michigan
with Mom, Adrian, and Granny
1993:
Iowa,
Minnesota,
Wisconsin
with Mom and Granny.
1994:
Disney World, South Florida with
Mom and Granny.
Virginia,
Pennsylvania
with Mom.
1995:
Disney World, with Mom and Adrian.
Illinois,
with Mom
Florida
Panhandle, Natchez
Trace with Mom.
1996:
Pennsylvania,
New York
with Mom
1997:
Disney World with Mom
1998:
Disney World with Mom
Nashville
with Mom
GEN CON solo
1999:
Missouri solo
Washington DC
solo
GEN CON solo
Memphis solo
2000:
GEN CON solo
Texas
solo
Disney World with Mom
2001:
GEN CON with Mom
Western US with Mom
Tennessee
with Mom
2002:
GEN CON solo
2003:
tba
2004:
2005: Nassau,
Key West, Georgia,
Carolinas, Jacksonville
2006:
Last
updated: August 21, 2006.