-We were LIVE (On Pay-Per-View) from the Pay-Per-View Arena in Bovine, Alabama. The theme music is "The Final Countdown"... Somewhat appropriate, as it turned out. Your announcers are Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, Scotty Whatbody and some guy in a penguin suit called Coma. They hype the show and swear a bit. (Or, in Comas' case, make strange noises and swear.)

-The Jobber World Order arrive at ringside. They insult the fans and announce the formation of their new stable... The Right To Suck. They leave to mass indifference and theme music of hideous, ear-splitting noise. (Possibly by Limp Bizkit.)

-Micheal McIntosh vs. Brandon ("Not Big Enough For The Big Boys" Light-Heavyweight Title Match)

Coma has slipped the ring announcer a card, so this is announced as;

-Micheal McIntosh vs. Brandon vs. Coma ("Not Big Enough For The Big Boys" Light-Heavyweight Title Match)

Coma rolls in, then rolls out again... and halfway up the aisle. Interesting. Brandon hiplocks McIntosh and works the knee. Low dropkick and kneebreaker as Coma returns to ringside. Then joins the Spanish announcers. Okaaayy... McIntosh reverses a whip and clotheslines Brandon. He misses an elbowdrop, Brandon hits a nice Asai moonsault for 2. Coma heads up as Brandon nails a Snow Plow. Coma breaks the cover with a truely insane no-look twisting plancha that wipes out everyone. Double noggin knocker from McIntosh, he lays in some wimpy chops. Coma monkeyflips him, then kips up into a standing dropkick of Brandons. Bradon nails a tonado DDT on McIntosh. Coma breaks the cover at 2. Coma drops a headbutt on McIntosh, Brandon breaks the cover. They exhange chops, Brandon slams Coma over the top rope. McIntish clotheslines out Brandon and attempts a plancha. Brandon dropkicks him on the way down. Wild! McIntosh tries to walk out, Brandon gives him a sloppy press on the rampway. They brawl, Coma springboards off the rail and corkscrews... into the crowd. Again... interesting. A middle-aged woman arrives, (JUDY BAGWELL! RUN!) and drags McIntosh backstage. It's his mom. The match is called a no-contest. *3/4 Good action, weird ending.

-Kamikazie(sic) Ken vs. Insano Mano

My Spanish isn't great, but doesn't that translate as... Insane Hands? This match was taped from Suicida, Mexico. The announcers hype it as "Too Violent For Network TV". E-C-DUB! It's Mano's hometown, so he gets the big babyface pop. Ken makes his entrance... on a motorcyle. (I wondered what the ramp was for...) Manos risks vehicular death by meeting Ken with a mid-air spear over the top rope. Holy fucking shit! The motorcyle crashes into the ring as both men rise. They exchange chairshots. A quick clip, three minutes have passed, they're still chairshotting each other. Mano finally goes down, Ken arranges furniture. He sets up a ridiculously contrived table pyramid, three layers high. Mano brings out a cash register from under the ring and "Shows Ken The Money" with it. (And thus enters the "Keithies" poll for Most Innovative International Object of the Year.) Ken blades as Mano sets up a table and seasons it with salt and vinegar. Ken uses some razor-tipped playing cards(!) on Mano. (I just report the news, folks...) Blind charge, Ken runs into a twisting spinebuster through a table. Which explodes. Ouch. They make it to the ring, Mano hits a spinning heel kick for 2. He slams Ken onto the wrecked motorcycle, then dropkicks him through a propped-up table. Blind charge, Ken backdrops Mano into the front row. Ken heads up and hits a corkscrew moonsault into the fans. Yes, Virginia, these men ARE insane. Mano drags Ken back to the ring and deposits him on the top buckle. He proceeds to hit a top-rope DDT through the table pyramid. Kens head bullseyes a barb-wired wrapped chair as well. Which was electrified. And explodes. Ken was 32. We suddenly cut to split-screen as both men begin to rise somehow. At the pay-per-view itself, Insano Mano is punking out Brandon in revenge for being called a "jobber" in one of Brandons interviews. He dumps Brandon on the Spanish Announce table, (Of course!) and we spot Ken. He's in the rafters of the arena. Cue the Stunt Bump as Ken delivers... a 990 Ken-Ton Bomb. (Setting a new record, apparently... for idiocy) As EMTs arrive, we go back to Mexico. Ken is using bowling pins on Mano in the crowd, but takes a rana down a set of stairs. Mano busts out a balcony moonsault... which misses. Mano takes a face-first bump onto concrete. Double Ouch! Cute spot as Ken calls for a time-out because he's "Got something in his eye". Manos spears the blinded Ken all the way from the arena floor to the loading dock. (Now THAT's a spear!) They mount a scaffold as a truck full of exploding tables pulls in. Ken powers out of a powerbomb and hits a Kenny Kutter into the trucks flatbed. One stock footage explosion later, Ken covers for the pin. **3/4 Wayyyy over the top, but in a good way.

-Commisioner Billy Polar arrives to commentate during the upcoming "Billy Polar Memorial Swiss Army Belt Tournament".

-George vs. Zilla
(Swiss Army Tourney First Round Match.)

Jeez, doesn't anybody in this fed have a last name? Zilla rides a skateboard to the ring, George is carried in. Why? His gimmick is... he's dead.(?!) There's one idea Russo never though of... Zilla stomps a mudhole in George and applies a slightly pointless sleeperhold. The commentators cover for the lack of action by revealing the Undertakers stalker... well, speculating, at least. T-T-T-Tatanka? That would have been interesting. Zilla tries a Boston Crab, but we're in Alabama, and George is dead, so no dice. He heads up for a missile dropkick, but George won't get up. So he heads back down and takes Georges head off with a knee. Literaly. I mean, he rips the dummies.. sorry, his opponents head off! Georges partner Lenny re-attaches his head as I check the expiry date on my perscription drugs. Zilla applies an abdominal stretch variant, making George appear to be scratching his ear with his own foot. If he wasn't dead, that'd really hurt! Zilla piledrives George, then press-slams his skateboard on Georges noggin for the pin. *3/4 It was a squash, but the guys dead, so what did you expect?

-"Mr Thursday Night" J.C Long vs Mike Dangerous
(Swiss Army Tourney First Round Match)

JC initially refuses to fight his friend, and tries to walk out. Dangerous sticks around, they get into a heated, though pointless debate, Dangerous suckershots Long. Running powerslam, Dangerous follows up by simply standing on Longs crotch. He baits the fans, allowing a roll-up for 2 from Long. He heads up, Dangerous hiptosses him off the top for 1. They suddenly get into a grade-school slapfight, complete with NIPPLE TWISTS OF DOOM, before Dangerous busts out an airplane spin. (Forgetting to sell it himself. *Sigh*) He celebrates with a bizzare Micheal Jackson impersonation, allowing JC to roll him up for the pin. 3/4*

-#1 Contendersip for the "You Gotta Have Friends" Tag Team Championship and the "Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind" Hardcore title.
-The Dungeon of Dumb (Sasquatch and Massawa, The Somalian Giant w/The Flaskmaster) vs. Massivly Packaged

Sasquatch and Jim start out. "Massive Man" Jim is the current Hardcore champion, and for some reason "Sasquatch" is a dead ringer for Frankensteins Monster. Go figure. Sasquatch headbutts Jim out of his boots, then gets a big boot. Jim baseball slides through Sasquatchs' legs and hits a dropkick. A second, Sasquatch still won't go down. "Totally Packaged" Josh comes in, double dropkick sends Sasquatch down. Josh tags in, hitting a nice cross bodyblock off the top for 2. Sasquatch catches Josh as he charges blind and chokeslams him. Massawa (Who probably weighs about 75 pounds soaking wet) is tagged in. He bops Josh with his wooden mask, then rubs tribal paint in his eyes to blind him. Innovative to say the least! The Dungeon of Dumb uses some old-school heel tatics, including the old "Clap your hands to simulate a tag" schtick as Josh plays Ricky Morton. He eventually slips out of a slam and jawjacks Sasquatch. Hot tag Jim, he brings out the HARDCORE WEAPONS OF DOOM from under the ring. With the commentators gleefully breaking kayfabe, we gets some rubber-tipped barb-wire shots, then a pre-cut broom crotching of Massawa. This triggers an all-out brawl, even bringing in The Flaskmaster. Sasquatch uses the Obligatory Roadsign on Jim, Massawa goes upstairs. Then, in a moment of unsurpassed surrealty, he gets caught on the updraught of a ceiling fan and splashes UPWARDS! We cut to a commercial(?!?). When we return, Massawa is nowhere in sight, apparently stuck on the roof. Josh is suddenly arrested for trying to chat up an underage girl and it's down to Sasquatch versus Jim. Sasquatch hits a big boot and pins for the Hardcore title. He (SWERVE) turns on his manager, then (SWERVE!) takes off his mask to reveal he's not Sasquatch, but "The Caprind Kid" Herb Romaine . A cut backstage shows the real Sasquatch being guarded by Betty-Lou, Herbs... sheep. **1/2 Some good wrestling among the wackiness... and damn entertaining.

-Pain and Pleasure vs. The Ambulance Jockeys
-"You Gotta have Friends" Tag Team Championship steel cage match

Nurse Heidi joins the commentary team as the the opening brawl breaks out. Hilarious intro for Pain and Pleasure, by the way... The only tag team I've ever seen that has a former porn star and a hockey player teaming up. Ambulance Jock Garry Greene gets caught and powerslammed by Bannister. Greene tags out to Barry Brown, Bannister hits him with some CANADIAN VIOLENCE and runs him into the cage wall. (The fed is so low-budget, there's three chicken wire walls and one of blue steel bars!) Brown blades... or at least dribbles ketchup on his face. The commentators get into a strange debate over whether or not Heidi is pregnant. (Made stanger by Coma, who sounds like Perry Saturn with a British accent. You're welcome.) Barry reverses things in the ring... and Mike Monroe quotes Yours Truely!! (Badly... "Playing Ricky Martin"? Yeesh!) The Jocks double-team Sir Hungalot as Bannister debates things with the ref. Hungalot makes a hot tag, Bannisters a house of fire. He cleans house, Greene blades after a shot into the steel. Bannister hits the Slap Shot on Greene. The ref is out of position, getting an eventual 2. Brown makes the save, allowing the tag. Bannister blocks a forearm and blantantly lowblows Brown. The Jocks double-team again, drawing a bladejob from Bannister as Hungalot is brought in. Big ol' brawl breaks out, the ref gets bumped. Hungalot hits The G-Spot (Once more, I AINT going there!) on Brown, Greene makes the save. He rams Bannister into the cage, then DDT's Hungalot and rolls Brown onto him. The ref revives, Bannister falls onto them to break the cover at 2 and a bit. Hungalot hits a double clothesline and powerbombs Brown for 2 amd a half before Greene saves. He slams Hungalot, Bannister breaks it up at 2. He piledrives Brown for 2. The ref is just counting anything at this point. Bannister drops his head, Brown punts him through the ropes. Greene hits a neckbreaker on Hungalot. The Jocks head to the top of the cage for the "Mass Casualty" diving headbutts. They both miss. Hungalot covers Brown for a protracted three-count to retain. *** Probably the best match so far in terms of pure wrestling.

-Before the next match, a second cage is added... the Big Blue One this time. The Guest Referee, Homicidal Hank is announced. Then the Special Enforcer, Bohemoth.

-Sillicone M. Plants vs. douja (Double Layer Cage Match)

The announcers hype this one as one of the most protracted, violent feuds of all time. Bell rings, FINGER POKE OF DOOM from douja. Plants sells it like he's been shot, literally jumping three feet in the air. douja drops a wussy elbow for 3. No match, as it's a SWERVE! Plants, douja and Hank proceed to triple-team Bohemoth, even knocking out his glass eye. (Which they play a quick game of hacky-sack with. Nice.) Commisioner Polar runs-in... and joins in the beatdown of Bohemoth. Plants gets on the stick and runs down Bohemoth, accusing him of holding everyone else down in a previous federation. (The oddly-named "Stereotype Wrestling Federation"... well, that fits, I guess.) The Polar gets on the mic and decrees that Pain and Pleasure defend their titles against Plants and douja here and now... or they're fired. Needless to say, P&P head to ringside in a hurry. And so we have;

-Pain and Pleasure vs. Sillicone M. Plants and douja

P&P come in swinging, as Hank joins the commentators. Plants is dinged off the steel as Hungalot beats on douja. Cute spot as Hank keeps leaving the table to stomp Bohemoth some more. He also announces the stable name... the "Not Quite Millionaires Club"... well, it's a low-budget fed, I suppose. Plants tags in douja, who gets knocked down by Bannister. He tags in Hungalot, top rope elbow misses. douja nails the "Chronic Neck Pain" piledriver for 2, Bannister saves. Plants KO's Hungalot with a loaded black glove behind the refs' back, douja covers for the pin and the titles. *1/4 for the match, **1/2 for the buildup and swerves that sent the fans into a frenzy. Good booking.

-Postmatch, "The Smooth Operator" Plants and "15 Inches of Chocolaty Goodness" douja become the team of "Smooth and Chocolaty".

-Backstage, Da Sassy Bitch confronts Billy Polar. Polar decks him. The ever-loqucious Polar then heads out to ringside to cut a pre-match promo. He introduces his hand-picked referee Raoul Ramon Ramirez, and his guest timekeeper... Master P. Luckily the BOB BigBOSS brains Master P with a ringbell after one "Hooty Hoo". Polars opponent, The Violent Pacifist, suddenly rolls out from under the ring. Staredown ensues, before simultaneous ball-kickings start the match.

-Billy Polar vs. The Violent Pacifist (Swiss Army Belt and BOB Commisionership Match)

They brawl after the ballshots, with The Pacifist gaining the upper hand. Gorilla press, Billy holds on and both men fall to the floor. Ramirez takes a donut break to avoid counting out his man. They brawl on the outside, The Pacifist gets gutbusted on the guardrail. (Which warps... cheapo fed!) VP no-sells, hitting a snap suplex. Back to the ring, The Pacifist sets up for his "Nine Inch Nailer" finisher as douja tries to make a run-in. He's intercepted by the Kent State Krew as Rameriz plays Evil Ref with a ten-second two-count. Polar small packages VP, Ramirez plays Incompetant Ref as he slow-counts for 2. Polar yells at him, then hits a spinning heel lariat and corksrew Asai moonsault. Polar hits a brainbuster (AKA "The Aneurysm") for a quick-counted 3. The Pacifist gets in Ramirez's face. Ramirez, seemingly unable to tell the two apart, reverse his decision and allows the match to continue. They break out the weapons, Billy bringing a tranquillizer gun(!) into the match, VP producing "Mr Bat". (A baseball bat, of course.) Scotty Whatbody tries to run interferance from the announce position and gets nailed with Mr Bat. VP KO's Billy and covers for 3. *3/4 Goofy as hell, but some solid wrestling... although with these guys, that whole "wrestling" thing seems incidental to affairs.

-Postmatch, Billy chews out Ramirez, who shrugs and responds "All you gringos look alike to me." Polar passes out.

-Main Event ("Only World Title That Matters" Title Match)
-Donald McKillalot vs Mystery Opponent

The BigBOSS'es midget sidekick, The Li'lBOSS is announced as Guest Timekeeper for this one. McKillalot gets a big intro, then headbutts the announcer after he's announced as hailing from "Scotland, England". The Li'lBOSS quickly takes over the announcing duties. He announces McKillalots opponent as The Tiger, a former two-time Stereotype Wrestling Federation Intergalactic Champion. Huge crowd response, big intro, bell rings.

Kick.

Wham.

McPiledriver.

McKillalot retains after a leisurly three-count. DUD Must be a private joke...

And we're done.

-The Bottom Line: Well, don't expect wrestling classics or four-star matches, but if you're in the mood for something goofy, this would be right up your alley. All comedy matches... but GOOD comedy matches, if you know what I mean.

-Recommended after three beers or so.