Now, I could not tell you exacly when it happened, for everything seems so vague to me now, that it would have ordinarily become only a dream in my subconscious, should the effects of the event not been so damaging to a poorly developped mind such as mine. It is amazing how something so breif can so strongly influence the rest of the days in the average human being's simple life, but it is as true as it is frightening. Do you know of the feeling you get, when you wake up in the morning and somehow realize that this perticular day will be different, and will somehow change your entire perception of the world and perhaps even life itself? Well, I've been told such a feeling existed though I have never experienced it myself, and yet, I have indeed experienced such a day as the one previously described.
As with any story, I will start with the beginning.
And so I went on and on and on about the events that did not take place, over and over inside my head, trying to figure out the path to choose. Now, this isn't an easy task, when you are considering other people but yourself, espacially if you have no idea on what the hell is going on in that other person's head. Yes,things can become quite difficult indeed.
Twenty minutes after my sudden decision to leave, I return to the room to find a tranquility wrapped in utter darkness, and the lifeless body of my resting love. How can I possibly endure the feeling of loneliness of being awake, body and mind, and not even being acknowledge by the person I desire night and day? I lay down in the sinking mattress and try to avoid the discomfort of ignorance and pace myself for a trail of thoughts that never ceases to end. My loud breathing does not have any effect on his curiosity, my constant movements do not seem to disrupt the peaceful sleep he seems to be enjoying so. Like holding a bone in front of a pitiful dog, he lures me into his world, and as easily, strips this world away from me. It is frequent, it is deadly, it is to be expected. My spirit is beaten by resentment as I stand up from the bed, and once again walk out of the room; however, this time, there is a change of plans, as I bring my fist into the air and beat down repetetivly upon my own flesh and bone, to make my eagerness to punish him ease away quietly, back into its cage. My eyes are shedding their pain, and I lay down on the shrill sofa, which has pieces that wander off as you sleep, and cover myself with a cold blanket, hoping that perhaps, this will indeed result in an acceptable sleep.
The soft, tragic sound of the daunting lyrics entered her ears with a rawness of comfort that only the very few could ever experience.
How ridiculous it is, to speak so harshly that it would injure a person's mind, and afterwards forget the words you chose as the hours pass. It is difficult to accept that a mind so fragile would even want to be around an abusive spirit, such as me, but it is indeed happening. Benightedness, they call it? Or do they not, for fear that it might one day come upon them as well.
Her eyes were filled with inert care for all that vision could see, as emptiness travelled deep within the midst of her mind and reduced her speech to nothing but a few words, barely creating a phrase, much less full sentences. Tears disorted the physical world, and trembles from underneath her flesh left quivers surface near her mouth and down her spine. What uncaring thoughts had she heard, what unsettled feelings had she sensed, for that the ground would shake beneath her feet only?
Walking. Pacing. Struggling. Living? Untouchable. Very. Kind of. Sort of. Sometimes?
The comfort of possessing a numb spirit seems somewhat frightenning to me at this time. I have been robbed of imagination and inspiration. It is taking far too much time and effort to provide the world with words and thoughts emerging from the depths of my beleifs.
I can feel the discomfort creeping inside my mind in slow waves. What I used to feel, I feel again. What I used to fight, I let take over me. With no hesitation I turn to face away the struggle and leave my back vulnerable to the shadows. There is nothing to fear, for what I want is to be overwhelmed with pain. The back of my head keeps throbbing as it comes. The hate of the world on my shoulders I walk towards the very passion that will control me, the very obsession that will lead me to my death. I have nothing to fight for but a peaceful space in a grave. The hate that I feel is left uncomprehended by those who never felt it. The people that could have understood me were as selfish and unwilling as I was. Nothing awaits for me at the the end of my pain, and thus leaves me nothing to wait for. I must surpass my weakness to resist and further my courage to attain what I wish for. And what I wish for, is no concern of yours.
Everything about school makes me hate life.
Alone again. Used again. Betrayed again. It never stops. I find someone else, that seems to think that I am their everything, that I am amazing, and that they could want no other. What are they thinking? I'll just ruin them, in the end, like I ruin every other. Maybe its their own fault, for not leaving me by myself, the way I was supposed to be, the way I was supposed to live. I didn't want to be alone, not really, but it can't be helped. This is my punishement for being the person that I am. For being the monster that I am. How can I survive this? I don't want to. Up and down. Maybe keep two lives was your answer, but did you think I wanted to be left behind? Pulled by the strings that you bound me to? I hate myself, and I am trying so hard not to hate you as well. Why shouldn't I? I trusted you, and got betrayed, twice. How much was I supposed to take, being as insecure as I already was? My life is exausting, even though nothing ever happens in it. I will keep spinning until I collapse. I can only hope that my legs give out soon.
A ruptured wound with no closure. This is all my mind seems to be.
I hate you so much. All of you. Deceiving me. Betraying me. I hate everyone, and everything. I want it all to stop, to end. Why can't someone come help me and make it all go away? It's eating away at me, I can feel it inside. Striking when I'm vulnerable, I feel so weak. I don't know what to think, and how to act. I don't know how to take this. Too much rejection, I am dying. How could I put my trust into people like that? Why would I? Never again, because I am dying. I want to end it all, get it all over it. I want to disappear and never come back. I have no one to tell this to but myself. No one wants to hear me whine anymore. I don't want to either, but I am stuck. I have no way out, and only one choice to make.
I try to drain everyone out with the music, as the volume rises inside my head. I can still hear them. The whispers of their voices, faint, but distinguishable. The music needs to be higher.
The tears beneath my eyes are finally drying, as my heart no longer beats for you only. I shatter the thoughts of our endeavors with my mind, the past was surely meant to be forgotten. The weakness you had made me conform to slowly fades away as I become what I was always meant to be. I push my pain and memories below my strenght in hopes of renewing the the faith of will I once had in myself. The emotional build of a statue prepares me to live life with a numb existance which I will forever feel inside my heart. It was open once to you, but you have shred it and now it shall stay closed until the day I pass the border of my time on this earth. I am doing as you wish and vanishing from your sight, from your world. I will never again be the person that you remember, just as you will never again be the person I once loved.
I can see myself collapsing underneath the pressure I cannot bear to face. Has everything that I have built for myself over these past weeks already vanished? Am I left alone and without confidence again? Why does it have to turn out this way? Is this punishement for the things I have done? Do my crimes project such resentment? I feel so empty. I keep thinking that tomorrow will be just another disappointment in my life, and a hurdle crossed in yours. Incompatible from the beginning, this fate must have been our destiny.
I can feel it slithering inside of me. Violating my thoughts with dreams of perversion, it shakes the truth behind this mask of lies I've created for myself. The intensive lust for the touch of another's skin on my own pushes my mind into a sinful place. Within my aspiration for higher purpose lurks the deciding factors of my corrupted urges. To bind and violate another by tearing away their power is a wish that guides me torwards Hell. It speaks to me like no other in the black depths of my mind and I am intimidated by its will to pursue what it wants. My strenght cannot withold against the manners which it uses to push further into me. The sharp objects that surround my vision stand out against their dull environment as I reach for them. The hand that grasps another's hand, face, neck, comes around the handle and pulls it closer to me. A simple act of horrid intents. Sitting motionless on the ground my eyes watch over the skin, which bleeds as though it is letting the evil escape my soul. It bleeds as though it is the only living thing inside of me. My body is weak as it yields to its inescapable fate. The only thing left to wish for, is to breath.