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This is the sordid tale of one man's decent into a dark underworld where people aren't always who they seem, loyalty is the law, and you do what you have to to survive....that's right, the suburbs. For one man, a troubled hero, this world threatened to swallow him up and offer no apologies. It was only once he learned his true destiny did he re-emerge, angry, and set upon conquering the world and his personal demons. Although it remains a mystery where the man who would become dre originated from, one fact well known is that his path has not been an easy one. After discovering he was not like other children, (it would seem he was much stronger than they), he was quickly alienated. This led to envy by others and an almost supernatural shunning by the fairer sex. Still undaunted, our hero knew that one day he would be "the man" with the ladies and his enemies would soon replace their envy with respect. And so it went that the man known only as dre entered his high school years on a mission, to free opressed women of their virtue and possibly become famous along the way. His first attempt at fame was a chance one...while attending a school talent show he managed to trip over a microphone (it actually lept out in front of him in a malicious attempt to hurt him. He will not argue this.) Upon picking up the mic, he immediately felt a surge of power and suddenly another super power emerged. In a matter of seconds he was rockin' that mother like none other. As freestyle rap after rap flowed from our hero's mouth, he began to move on stage in a way that can only be described as Vanilla Ice mixed with the Laker girls best routines. He had done it! dre had become a super live, mad skilled emcee kickin' it like a white boy had never kicked it before! His mind raced as he spat forth phat rhymes while contemplating whether to use his new powers for good or evil. Chicks, cash, cars and gawdy jewelry were on their way and no one could stop him! However, it seems that one thing would stop our hero's quest for lyrical fame....the show was over. Actually, the talent show had been over for some two hours and he had merely been taking the stagework down when he found a mic that was misplaced. dre, always possesing an unreal amount of determination, didn't let this setback derail his bigger plan. He would seek his fame elsewhere.
After the rapping fiasco, our hero settled into a careful life of keeping the balance of good and evil with his powers. Some days he'd cause some trouble and blame it on someone else, leaving them to take the fall. Other days would see him helping to get a kitten out of a tree. It has been reported that the latter was only because he got the chance to punch it in the head while the little girl wouldn't be looking, but these rumors have been unsubstantiated. Whatever he filled his days with, still something was missing...and that something tried once again to fight it's way out. While passing by a neighborhood basketball court, suddenly he was pulled to it's concrete expanse. dre managed to find a beat-up basketball lodged under a picnic table there and began to bounce it. Instantly, he was transformed into a basketball player the likes of which the world had never seen. He dribbled to his left, swish!, shots went in from insane distances. He dribbled to his right, swish!, he was now banking shots in one handed with his eyes closed! It was madness...but even he wasn't aware of what was to come. While collecting a rebound from under the basket, he instinctively grabbed it and threw it down with a thunderous power slam. "Awwww hell yeah!" he shouted in amazement. Soon, he was taking off from the free throw line executing rim-rocking three hundred and sixty degree tomahawk dunks. He managed to let loose a maniacal laugh as he dreamed about the chicks, cash, cars, and gawdy jewelry that would soon be his. Finally, he would be the next great 5'5" shooting guard/power forward. As he continued to throw down dunks and play above the rim, people passing by the court wondered why some short white boy kept jumping up and falling on his ass trying to grab the rim...
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It was while dre was in college, while mulling over what had gone wrong with his basketball career, a powerful event happened that would change our hero's life forever. It would seem a strange green glow began to emanate from his closet and beckoned him closer. As he caustiously ventered near the door, suddenly it burst open and there sat a paintball gun wrapped in a beautiful red, blue, and yellow costume. As dre picked it up, he felt a surge of power much different than the previous ones, and suddenly a voice started to speak out from nowhere. "dre! I am you're father. You are not of this Earth..in fact you are from a planet many light years from here that tragically imploded and took us with it. However, before this disaster happened, I managed to place you and this gun in an escape pod. I sent you to Earth because one day, when you were ready, you're powers would be needed in a sport they play there....paintball." You're the only one who can save them." Suddenly, our hero knew what he had to do. He picked up the outfit and put it on. It felt good, like it was made for him. Once the paintballgun was in his hands, he ventured away from the closet, red cape flowing in the wind, his mind filling up with dreams of saving the paintball world...and of course...chicks, cash, cars, and gawdy jewelry. As he emerged from his room to fight the forces of evil in paintball, his roommate came in and turned down the TV, which had been playing the DVD of "Superman." "Why in God's name are you wearing Superman pajamas, and where'd you get that RT?" "Shut up evil-doer!" dre screamed as he shot the roommate that had horribly morphed into a minion of bad paintball only seconds before. Too bad too, for now dre would need a new roommate...but that couldn't concern him right now. He had a job to do...
When danger surfaces, he quickly ducks into a phonebooth (bunker) and loads his trusty RT to come out firing like a man possesed. Evil paintball players get vanquished, justice restored, and woman made love to. Our hero's battle cry..."This is not a "cheer-ocracy"...I am the "cheer-tator", I make the "cheer-cisions" and I'll live with the "cheer-onsequences."
:)
"Pimps up, Hoe's down!"
