My stepdad's mom (all right, she's my godddamned grandmother) is the most religious person on the face of the earth. Damn her. It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't such a bitch about everything. She's the type of person that would go to church every fucking day if she could. She sits around complaining about how TV has gotten so violent. She complains whenever a new movie comes out because it "isn't very Christian." Here's something that's not very Christian either: FUCK YOU. I'M SICK OF ALL YOUR GODDAMNED BITCHING. DIE! DIE! DIEEEE!!!!!
I love my grandma, but she can be a real asshole. Last Thanksgiving as we were driving up to Denver (uh oh, you know that I live in Colorado now!) and all we heard about was stupid irrelevant bullshit! My stepdad was like, "Shut the fuck up you cunt whore, or I'll pull this car over and shove it up your ass!" Actually, he's a stoner, so he didn't say anything because he likes her too much. Well she was saying that she "CONVERTED" one of my relatives. He had to get rid of all his CDs (WHAT THE FUCK!? I'd never get rid of my SOAD CDs or Rammstein...fuck her!) and he had to get rid of all his Harry Potter books. Okay, wait a minute:
Harry Potter...isn't that a children's book? Yes, asshole it is. But adults read them too and that's besides the point. The thing is, those books have nothing offensive about them. I don't know what the fuck those Christians are bitching about. I've read all of the books and I plan on reading the next one if the fucking book will ever come out. Do these assholes complain about the violence? Or the "spells" that are MADE UP and the wizards THAT AREN'T EVEN FUCKING REAL?! Half of these Christians haven't even read the fucking books, so what do they know anyway? I'm tired of all these idiots telling people not to read the books because they're evil. Well those people who hear that the books are "evil" never let their children read them. They're missing out on great literature (ok, so the series isn't that good).
Last week my grandmother was bitching AGAIN about some more shit. Saying that Bruce Almighty was going to be a shitty movie because "it makes fun of God." Ummm...sigh...ARRGHHH! Anyway she said that the movie has a scene where he "parts" his bowl of tomato soup just like Moses (or whoever the fuck it was) parted the Red Sea (or whatever goddamned sea it was). HOW THE FUCK IS THAT MAKING FUN OF GOD?! Die bitch, you don't even know what you're talking about. Damn senile whore.
Here's what needs to happen to these overly religious fools:
1. Make them watch Se7en.
This is one of the best movies ever, although Christians tend to disagree. Look, just because the serial killer is punishing innocent people for being repulsive pieces of shit doesn't mean it's a bad movie, okay? Gritty, disgusting, and horribly filthy. A million "F" words. Gore. Puke. Piss. All of these can be found in this great movie! Plenty of Biblical refrences too just to piss 'em off.
2. Take away their church/Bible priveleges.
Uh oh, what's this. Your car broke down?! No...You want me to take you to church today? NO, FUCK THAT. You haven't missed a single Sunday, have you? Well kiss it goodbye. I took the liberty of hiding your Bible too. You don't need all that every single day. Come on, get a life. If you believe in Jesus, that's all you need. You don't need to KISS HIS ASS.
3. Hire a hitman.
If worst comes to worst and you cannot stop these assholes from being dipshits, just kill them. With a phone cord and some Drano. Do it while they're watching TBN. Come up from behind their couch and wrap the cord around their throat. Then, pour the Drano down their throat until they die. I'd never do this to my grandma but there are a few people that really deserve this. (That evil, pink-haired slut from TBN, for example.) Come to think of it, you wouldn't even need a hitman. Kick ass!