| Mark lowered his head, resting it lightly against Roger�s jaw, pausing for a moment. �I just...I remembered it all. What it was like to be with you. Every thing that happened. The first time you held me. The first time we made love. The first time you kissed me...I...I remember every second of all of it, Roger...� It was as if he could reach out and touch the memory, he felt so close to it. Just reach his hand out and close his shaking fist around it and pull it back, close to his heart. �You remember the first night I kissed you?� Even his voice was calm and soothing, just as it had been then. His hand worked over Mark�s back, easing out the tension and pain of ten years of solitude. �Of course I do,� he replied softly. �Everything about it. It was Mimi�s funeral. I was fine all night and we got home and I just...I started to sob.� He laughed somewhat bitterly. �God, I wasn�t even sure what I was crying about. Maybe it was Mimi...maybe it was a combination of Mimi and Angel...maybe it was because I knew you were next. I just...I couldn�t handle any of it. I started to cry and I didn�t stop. I was so hysterical and you were...you were so lost. You tried your best to get me to stop. You whispered to me and soothed me and murmured in my ear, telling me that it would be okay...that we still had each other. And none of it worked. Nothing. �Finally, you picked me up. You lifted me off of the couch and pulled me onto your lap and just...held me. God, that was all I wanted in the world, but I still couldn�t stop. I just cried and held you as you tried to discern what was wrong. You asked if it was Mimi...if it was Angel...if it was something else entirely. I didn�t know. I didn�t know, and I didn�t do anything except cling to your neck like a child, letting you hold me and plead and promise. You promised me I wasn�t alone. You promised that you loved me and that I would never be alone. You told me that you would never ever leave me if you could help it. That I would always have you. And...I believed you. And I stopped.� He smiled to himself, closing his eyes and letting Roger hold him again, just like he had on that night. �I stopped and held you so tightly...I held on to save myself and you and the rest of my world, which kept changing...I didn�t want it to change...I was so scared...and you didn�t say anything after that. Finally...god, it seemed like forever, but finally I looked up. I looked at you. You held my face and tried to wipe my tears away. You were shaking...your entire body was shaking, but your hands were out of control. I thought you were going to lose it. Cry or scream to throw things or hit me...but your eyes were still so sincere and loving. I was captivated by them. I was so in love with you, even then...that was part of my emotional fit, I suppose. I felt so guilty. I had wanted you for so long...I felt as though I had wished Mimi away so I could be with you. But I forgot all about that as you stared at me like that. Your eyes had me frozen to the spot. You tried to hold me still, but you were shaking so hard...You brushed my bangs away and cradled my face and just...leaned forward and kissed me. �It was so foreign and at the same time...so right. So perfect. It was soft and shy and shaky. You were so unsure and I was so scared of everything. And for a minute...for a minute I forgot to be sad and just let myself melt into you...God...I loved you so much...so much. When you pulled away, you didn�t try to make excuses or explain...you just smiled at me, still shaking, and held me and told me to go to sleep. And I trusted you. I fell asleep right there, in your arms, in those stuffy church clothes on that horrible lumpy couch. I didn�t feel any of it. I just felt you, rocking me and singing to yourself and I realized...I started to realize that maybe I didn�t have to be alone. Maybe you loved me the way I loved you. Maybe we could get through this together.� He felt Roger start to shake again, just like he had that first night. His entire body was shuddering. Mark�s eyes flew open. He turned around slowly, looking up into Roger�s eyes. That same captivation. That same frozen feeling, worried that Roger would strike him or shout at any moment. *It�s happening all over again.* Once again, Roger took his face very gently and leaned over him, kissing him softly and sweetly. Once again, Roger was confused and desperate, and Mark was scared out of his mind. But this time...this time it deepened and strengthened. This time they didn�t part after a mere few moments. It lasted longer as they pushed back harder. Ten years worth of suppressed passion and desire and love suddenly started to make their way to the surface. For what seemed to be the thousandth time that night, the rest of the caf� faded away. Mark clung to Roger for dear life, while Roger tried to fight through his emotions and obligations. It was as prefect as the first time. The bliss and closure they had been groping for blindly since their separation. Finally it was theirs. Finally- *beepbeepbeep* �Shit.� Roger pulled away from Mark, his hand immediately reaching for the pager at his hip. Mark�s lower lip trembled, but he said nothing, watching as Roger checked the identity of the caller. He looked up as Lyric walked slowly back to the table, wary of interrupting the couple. All hopes Mark had of rebuilding what he had with Roger started to crash. He hoped it was well hidden, for Roger was looking at him once again, his face fallen. His hand was squeezed tightly around the pager, but his jaw was set. �I have to go.� It was quiet, but final. He wasn�t asking Mark for approval; it was already decided. �I�m sorry.� He helped the filmmaker to his feet. Mark only looked at his shoes as Roger started to shrug on his jacket and scarf. �I don�t...I mean...I...� he mumbled, searching for something to say...something comforting. Nothing came to mind. *How the FUCK can you do this to him again, you insensitive bastard?! HOW?!* He tried to ignore that voice as Lyric nodded to him and left the caf�, waiting for him outside. He looked down at Mark again. His angel. His baby. His gorgeous little star, even after all of these years. The smaller man was near tears, barely holding on to himself. �I�ll...I�ll keep in touch, Mark,� he finally muttered. Mark�s eyes shifted, staring at the ground to his left. �Sure. Sure you will.� He sounded almost bitter, but Roger did his best to block that out. He hesitated, and then leaned over, kissing him once more. Mark�s lips clung to him in a sort of desperation, but he cut it short again. �I...I love you. Take care of yourself. I will keep in touch. I promise.� And he whirled around, ducking out of the restaurant and striding down the street without looking back. Page 7 |