POEMS 11
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ALONE Underneath this smooth exterior, this flesh and bones, lies somewhere a heart, a heart so often filled with love and joy, but more seldom than not with pain and sorrow, so often have I been struck by an arrow, an arrow which holds, a hurt heart-breaking, a pain breath-taking, not once, not twice, a pain that leaves a scar, a loneliness, a loss of love, ALONE.
As he hides in the shadows, I pretend I don't see him. For as a prisoner fears the gallows, I fear having to taste his seaman. As he climbs up the stairs, I pretend to be asleep. I know no one cares, as into my bedroom he peeps. As he enters me I know, this is not the time to weep. I mustn't let it show, how much it hurts as he goes deep. I listen for the sound of his car. Soon to me he will come. I know he isn't far. So for now I will go numb. He presses against me with that look in his eyes. I think "this can't be", but I can't voice my cries. He watches me from the mirror, as I soak in my bath. It couldn't be any clearer, again I will have to suffer from his wrath. It wasn't my fault, I did my very best. But he treatened me with assault for me there was no rest. I was so very young, only seven or eight. It was so very wrong , to have to live with such hate. For he was my father, and I was his child. If he were someone other, he would have been made to stand trial.
Barren Thoughts I sit here and wonder how to tell my story. Just how to let you know. I once was a little girl who suddenly grew old. Who was robbed of the childhood she never got to know. She was 8 when it happened, 22 years ago. As the adult she was forced to become, I'll tell the story of the battle that we won. That battle is hers and mine to endure through this life long trial as one. I'm almost 30 now and have finally come to realize that I need to set the story free. To give that once child life within me. I was sexually abused by my brother who was 11 or 12. He would sneak into my room at nights, and climb into my bed. He would touch me with his fingers and explore the parts I had. He would jump into the shower as I washed away the sin. He would hide under my bed and catch me undress. He killed the little girl I was and only left the flesh. I hold on to many secrets. Still too afraid to tell. I was his baby sister condemned to live this hell. I was in the 8th grade when it suddenly stopped. Stopped for him that is. For me it goes on, in dreams that wake me and memories that haunt. Over and over it happens in my head, while growing up I pleaded with God for him to make me dead. To take me out of this world so I couldn't feel all this pain inside of me. I was ashamed of me, for everything he had done, why didn't I say anything, why didn't I run? I had noone to talk to and felt so alone. 5 years after it was over my Mom came to me. Forced me to talk about what happened to that child. Asked me if I wanted them to talk to him, my brother that made me dead. I didn't see what for what was done was done, how could them talking to him help me? You see, he was their son, This couldn't happen to them. They loved their children I must just be wrong. Sure maybe something happened but it was just something small, like a pat on the butt while we were playing ball. It's best to keep this secret they said. Noone needs to know. I was forced again to be all alone. I struggled with relationships, too afraid to let anyone in. If I did they'd hurt me and reveal to you my sin. I couldn't let anyone touch me. It hurt too deep inside. I'd find someone who loved me but I was never worth that gold. I let them down easy and tell them it's just not there for me though, I never really knew? One day I met a man who took me and saved me from another. He brushed away a fear he must have seen in my heart and I allowed him to enter without pain, without doubt. I married that man. It's been 11 years since then, he still loves me and I still love him. We share together two children and my love continues to grow. It's almost a happy ending to a story never told. Still within me haunts the secrets I'll never forget. Within me sits a secret Mom told me not to tell. I live my life afraid. I let people use me to get the things they want. I do have opinions, but I never get to share. I'm afraid they'll hurt someone or that noone will even care. I hide inside a future I don't know I'll get to see, one that's filled with happiness that I myself set free. Right now I live in silence, yes, I do feel love. But all this inside of me needs to find a way out. Before it kills the part of me that allows the sun to come out. Recently I told my story of how my life became and called to tell my parents of the secret I let out. I could hear their anger and suddenly it hit me. The reason they wanted me to keep that secret wasn't to help me but to protect the one who hurt me. To keep our families pride. I wasn't viewed a hero, I was sentenced there to die. They told me to stop talking just when I've just began. They fear of his reaction to others finding out. Inside I cry in anger, what about MY heart? Should I stop it from beating to set my brother free? Or do I tell my story to help and heal me? Seems I'm faced with so many decisions and I never know which one to trust. I want to tell my story just to heal my heart. To find a place where I belong, one where I am free. Free to cry if I choose to without a question why. I go on still wondering what to do. I'm in a silent prison that noone sees but me. Inside alone and tired ready to give up. Give up the fight, give up the hope, give up my beating heart. In order to save a family that never knew I hurt. For now I live my life like I've been taught to live. In silence and in pain, alone again behind my bars of sin...
"Beyond Innocence" Innocence lay in the heart of a child. That's just how it is. And when the child is betrayed There is no excuse of "Just because." Responsibility lay on the victimizer. He has no rights. It is never the child's fault. Time after time, night upon night, The innocence is degraded. But this should not be. That's not how it should go. Innocence should be preserved-- This I know. Innocence is not knowing and Not taking unlawful repponsibility for Actions taken by the wrongful party-- Scars left and wounds made sore. Innocence is a lack of knowledge, Unfortunately, also a common trust That no one would ever hurt you, Not even out of lust. So as the victim that I am I stand. Knowing that no longer in my life Will be the unlawful hands-- That took from me my innocence And left pain and scars And nights full of regrets. It was not my fault. Don't you dare blame me. I did nothing wrong To have my innocence taken away. Though I have scars for life, The pain will be no more Because God will, over me, His healing oil pour. I will never forget what Is now in the past. But I will remember That feelings do not forever last. Though you took from me Something I didn't know I had, God will restore me. So I don't feel so bad. But knowing that innocence Of the blind leading the blind, And knowing that people care And feel much more than kind Is all I need to go on. I am not to blame. So, "Who is?" is the only Question that remains. Fortunately, I know the answer. You are to blame. You had no right To take from me my innocence And have power over me because of my fright. You may have been controlling And bigger and stronger. But I refuse to accept responsibility For your wrongful actions any longer. You are to blame. And not me.
