annie lennox - don't let it bring you down
12:27am - wow. american beauty is a great movie. i love it.. i mean.. ricky, the neighbor, has such a horrible life yet he's still happy. it makes you think. that whole movie makes you think. it makes me think of the meaning of life. i dont know if i honestly think every person as an individual has a meaning in life. i think people, as a whole, have a meaning in life. perhaps there IS no meaning to life. no. i dont believe that. now i'm starting to believe that people as individuals have different meanings in life. damn, my opinions on life change so frequently.
it's amazing how mean people can be. such assholes. i hate mean people. that's why i'm so surprised when someone's nice to me, or i talk to someone that's nice. you have to cherish those types of people. there are so many assholes in the world.. it's very sad.
i have tears in my eyes right now. i dont think i'm sad.. i honestly dont. i would only be sad for one reason.. and i think i know what that reason is. i bet you're all wondering what tis. oh well.. i wont tell you..
"don't let it bring you down, it's only castles burning, find someone who's turning, and you will come around.."
good song. it's from american beauty. if it wasnt, i probably would never listen to it. well, obviously.. i wouldnt know about it.
sometimes i just get tired of trying. i get sick of trying at everything. i get sick of trying at school, trying at my personal appearance (which i dont do hardly at all, i just get up and leave), trying to be happy (at times, a little bit recently, but not as bad as before), and just.. trying to be.. me. but that doesn't make sense at all. i should have to TRY to be myself. i should just BE myself, right? i dont know why i typed that.. i dont have issues with being someone i'm not. not at all. i'm not afraid of who i am. i have accepted the fact that i have turned myself away from the thing that's most important to my father, the catholic church. i have accepted the fact that i'm a fuck up and i'll most likely always be one. but isnt everyone in some way? it's just.. some people fuck up worse than others, or more than others. i'm very afraid of being a fuck up. i've already fucked up a lot so far. i know there are people WAY worse than i am, i mean.. i've hardly done anything. just wasted about $2000 of my parents money on phone bills.. i guess that's worse than being smart towards them. it's not like they get fined when i do that. i dont know if i would ever be able to critisize my mother to her face. i mean, yeah, i've told her she was wrong numerous times.. but i mean actually critisize HER. who she is. i critisize my dad continuously in my mind.. he's so obsessed with church it seems like. i wonder, at times, if the catholic church turned him away from us. i wonder, at times, if he actually even LOVES me. i usually think that he's FORCED to do so. with my mom it's different.. i dont know why. when i wrote that letter to them saying i was depressed, my mom was the only one who came and talked to me. my dad didnt say anything to me at all. that didnt make me feel too good, considering he was the main one i was directing it to... bah, oh well. he didnt care about it. that's understandable i guess.
this song makes me smile.
i feel like getting a basic layout for this site again. seems too complicated.. what do you say? i highly doubt ill change anything.. although jimmy is away, this would be the time to do so.
i dont wanna go to church. i will stand by my quote..
"it's disrespectful for me to go into the catholic church as an athiest."
and with that being said, (© roggow)... ill go.