August 4, 2003 11:45pm - Well, I've gone back to the plain layout. I was sick of seeing everything that was so complicated. It made me dizzy. So here this is. Old times. Does everyone remember? I do. Well, a lot has happened today. But it's all over now, so there's no need to talk about it. I can't even talk about it. I had a bad dream last night. I don't like bad dreams. I had one the night before too. I realized that I have lost touch with old friends. People that I used to talk to at school. Maybe they're only aquaintances. But does it really have to be that way? Can't everyone just get along, and talk daily, without any sort of fuss? Why does life have to be so dramatic? I have accepted the fact that hardly anything goes right in life. And I have accepted the fact that I'm a 14 year old girl that makes everything more dramatic than it is. Sad, isn't it? I don't want to be that kind of person, but I can't help it. It's the HORMONES. It has to be. And it's annoying as hell. I don't want to grow up, but I don't want to act like this. I can never control myself anymore. I get mad at dumb things, and I'm all pissy sometimes. It's so nerve-racking. It must be for everyone around me, too. I'm sorry.
I'm glad that Em is beginning to find happiness. Or the hope for happiness. That makes me feel better about everything. She was so miserable before, and I think she hid it most of the time. And I know she doesn't want any pity, but I don't know. I have felt sorry for her numerous times. Because she's such a great person, her life shouldn't be bad. I hope everything works out for her. I hope she finds happiness, and it lasts.
I think that Chelsey is having a tough time. I'm not sure. But I don't want her to. I want her to be happy too. I want her to find whatever she is searching for. Which may be love. But you know what? You have to stop searching, and it will find you. It's funny that way. They always said it like that in the movies, or in books, but it's true. It's honestly true. I wish that everyone would just be happy with themselves, and their decisions.
I wish that I could be completely happy with myself, and my decisions at all times. But, sadly, that can't happen. And I'm not even sure why. It's all my fault. I mean, no one else causes these weird mood swings. It's just me. It's so funny how I actually thought something was wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with me. At all. I'm just weird sometimes because I'm 14. I hate being who I am sometimes. But most of the time I'm just full of myself. Sad.
Jackie talked to me about some things last night, and it made me sad. I hate how the nicest people can sometimes get treated like shit. And it's so sadly ironic. No one deserves to be treated with any disrespect. No matter who they are. And it's just upsetting to hear about someone's bad times that are caused by another person. By another person that could CONTROL that. They could make the person's life better but they just refuse. It's like denying happiness for a little child.. the little child that has died inside someone. I hate it. But hate's a strong word.. am I allowed to use it?
So basically, I wish HAPPINESS and LOVE onto everyone. If you're having a hard time with anything, you'll get through it. Never have any doubts about that.
"One day, everything's going to be better for you." - D.D.
If you want to see a good movie, watch Donnie Darko. It's about this teenager who's schizophrenic. He sees a 6 foot tall bunny named Frank, that tells him to do all this stuff. It's basically about the end of the world, and the philosphy of time travel. It's psychological, and also funny at times. It's very good. I recommend it to anyone.
And I leave you with that.
