Their voices swirled around in my head, as the house come into view, the ocean engulfing the sand behind it. It stood still and strong, but empty too.
Everything was silent, but the voices in my head.
“I hate you.” “You love me.”
“I can’t do this… I can’t…. I’m not that strong… I can’t…..I miss..”
“It’s okay to be afraid. I’m terrified myself.”
“It’s okay to be afraid, sweetheart.”
I raced up the front steps two at a time, I don’t know what I expected when my uncle opened the door again, but it wasn’t what I saw. Dust lay across every object in view; the curtains were covering almost every part of every window, giving each room an eerie glow to it.
Nothing was what I remember it to be but yet it was.
Pictures still hung on the walls, happy memories shining back at you but that was all they were now, memories.
I knew they weren't going to come back. I knew they were in heaven, in a better place. Yet it didn’t stop me from wanting them back, to talk to them, to touch them again; to see their smile brighten just by looking at me.
I miss them.
“Hey Pace, look at this.”
My auntie was searching through a few of the boxes that scattered the living. The boxes certainly hadn’t been there the last time I was here. The last time I was here was before the funeral, before when my daddy was alive and I could talk to him.
I wanted to cry.
“What is it Jo?”
I watched as he moved towards her, his movements slow and heavy in each step. He frowned down at the object that she held. The rectangle black object, faded slightly from being left outside it’s case for to long.
“It’s from Jen.”
He gasped, or I gasped, I’m not sure who does what anymore. I could feel their silent conversation, as they held the others gaze. Sadness covered every inch of their faces as they turned to face me a moment later.
“Do you know what this is Amy?”
I shook my head at my auntie, only part of me wanted to know what it held, the other part of me just wanted to run back to my tree and hide away in my mothers arms.
“Come here sweet pea.”
My uncle beckoned towards him, with his arms wide open. I hesitated only a moment, my want to know won out.
We settled on the dusty couch just the three of us. My auntie put the tape in, a soft clicking sound was heard as it warmed up, and the fuzziness of white and black coloured the screen, before my mother appeared.
She was so beautiful, the sunlight was glistening off water from the lily pond behind her only making her look like she was glowing. Glowing like she was when she sat by me in my world.
“Hi, Amy, it's mom. Well, by the time you see this, I won't be here anymore, and I know how much that sucks, for both of us. So seeing as how I won't be around to thoroughly annoy you, I thought I would give you a little list of the things that I wish for you. Well, there's the obvious. An education. Family. Friends. And a life that is full of the unexpected. Be sure to make mistakes. Make a lot of them, because there's no better way to learn and to grow, all right? And, um, I want you to spend a lot of time at the ocean, because the ocean forces you to dream, and I insist that you, my girl, be a dreamer. God. I've never really believed in god. In fact, I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to disprove that god exists. But I hope that you are able to believe in god, because the thing that I've come to realize, sweetheart... is that it just doesn't matter if god exists or not. The important thing is for you to believe in something, because I promise you that that belief will keep you warm at night, and I want you to feel safe always. And then there's love. I want you to love to the tips of your fingers, and when you find that love, wherever you find it, whoever you choose, don't run away from it. But you don't have to chase after it either. You just be patient, and it'll come to you, I promise, and when you least expect it, like you, like spending the best year of my life with the sweetest and the smartest and the most beautiful baby girl in the world. You don't be afraid, sweetheart. And remember, to love is to live.”
As the tape faded into nothing, I realized my cheeks were wet from tears, I didn’t know I had shade.
My uncle and auntie held me tight then, in a big bear hug and I felt it. So I said the only thing I could think of.
