Take Down Your Stockings and put Away your Christmas Ornaments

by Terence Gallagher

God Damn.  If I see another I am so sick of seeing all these bullshit phony-ass Christmas cards from all these families telling everyone how great they are doing. I think they are full of shit. No-one is that fucking happy. You've seen them -- "Bob got a raise in February and I have become quite the gardener...Little Mikey's playing freshman football and they went 11-0...Susie is dating a wonderful boy while she finishes her Masters." 

Well, I'm a realist.  The life of Terry Gallagher isn't near as glamorous as you may think, so I have written mine a bit different. Here is my fucking card. Enjoy. 

Greetings, friends.  Well I can't believe its Christmas already again.  I want you to know I am alive and well and still looking for direction in life.  Mom, Dad, Colleen, and Nick are also healthy, busy and full of Christmas yule.  They seem so distant, though.  I wonder if they hate me.  

Well it sure has been one busy year.  I brought in 2001 in the red light district of Baltimore with Jared and Mark.  We had to talk our way out of getting shot by 2 pimps that decided to try and off us when we told them we weren't interested in their hookers. Also in January, after missing my 1st flight, I went to Charlotte where I fifth-wheeled it while Jared and Rob hooked w/ two sweet vixens from Georgia. 

In February, I came out of hibernation to attend Vince's bachelor party. One of his dirt bag friends from N.J. stole my $400 leather coat. I am currently working on a creative and humiliating retaliation for that cocksucking faggot. I am told he lives in Raleigh, NC. Road trip anyone? 

March: Went to Tampa w/ Pick for 9 days, no good stories there except that, as usual when I put time and money into something, the weather took me from behind with unseasonably miserable and frigid days. 

April: This month was worthless like tits on a bull. 

May: Had jury duty for the worst case ever...a civil suit on a broken blow dryer. I sided w/ the plaintiff for the $3,000 she demanded due to "emotional distress". Also in May, I went to Myrtle Beach for Brady's 4-day bachelor party.  On the first night I was solicited by a gay Pakistani cab driver. Poor planning on Danny's part as it was Biker Week and every alpha male, red neck, unshaven, motherfucker with a loud bike was there. Stepping out of the cab in my Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts during the "Cruise Parade" felt like a black man on the high dive at a KKK pool party. 

The summer was typical: I went to Dewey most weekends, where I exploited (my sister) Colleen's bartending and burned bridges with old lady-friends in the process. Also headed to Charlotte again in an attempt to feed any hungry Shetlands of which none were to be found. I guess the most notable incident of the summer was when I decided to rent a house at Dewey (in my name) and Vince's brother had his ear bitten off in a 6 man brawl. I have no idea how I got the security deposit back since there were holes in the wall, and blood everywhere you looked. 

Sept: My twat manager calls me in her office and says, "You are the most arrogant, disrespectful person I have ever met." I responded by showing her the depth of my disrespect, posting  my company on www.fuckedcompany.com (a site that tracks doomed dot.coms) and praying for Chapter 11.  And of course the September 2001 that will forever be remembered for opening our eyes to the evil in this world was very hard on me, as it was for us all.  I can't speak for you all, but coming home to learn of our Daisy Cutters, AC-130s, Special Forces, and others bringing complete methodical textbook destruction upon the Taliban brought me a real sense of comfort.

Oct: I told my manager to get fucked and I quit.  I made the most of my remaining days before I was let go, parading around the office in my unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops.  I dusted off the old tool belt and returned to working for my dad and the life of splinters and sawdust in the eye. I also headed w/ Pick and Collins to Tampa for 10 days. We drove first to Atlanta for some debauchery, where I was pickpocketed by some moon cricket who made off w/ my credit cards, ID and wallet, and the $700 in cash that was in it. The next day, w/o cash or ID or anyway to get either we headed to Tallahassee, FL where we stayed for 3 nights. Upon arrival there, I realized that my cell phone wasn't receiving incoming calls so Angela, my friend that lives there from Va. Tech, wasn't able to get in touch w/ me. Fitting. One last note on Tallahassee, on a COLD night in a makeshift shower inside this bar, unbeknownst to Collins, he was on a big screen TV in front of 200 horrified patrons, naked. He must have thought he was gonna score with the 2 bints that pulled off his pants. It was awful. 

Nov: Bought a townhouse in Ashburn. Got real excited until the swinedog homeowner that sold me it broke our contract and resold for 15k higher. Now, I know what you are thinking, "man that sucks." Yes, that does suck, but not as much as shaving cream on your Lexus sucks. Fuck him, that gerbil loving liberal faggot. Also, I lost my ass gambling on VT again. Got thrown out of a few bars. The usual. 

Dec: Well, so far, so good. I have a few dates lined up. It is likely they'll cancel. I am quite gracious that its been pretty mild out this winter, but by the looks of the Alberta Clipper on the way, I am in for a real kick in the dick. My luck (not suprisingly) is about to change.  I also should mention that in just last week, I recieved a letter from the FAA that said that I didnt meet the basic requirements to be an Air Marshall. How can one not be qualified to ride on a plane?

Luckily, I am a man of modest means, and I don't need much to be happy.  I'll just keep on dreaming.  If a man don't have a dream, well, then he doesn't have anything.  Happy Fucking Holidays.