Dear Britney...I Got Just What You Need 

  Dear Britney,

Damn you look fine.  I am serious.  But I am not here to tease you with words. Compliments and flattery are nice, but I can offer you much, much more. After you hear what I have to say, I am certain you will agree that I got what you need.

You see, life in the entertainment business can be cruel.  Brutally cruel.  It's definitely not the place for an 18-year-old POA like yourself.  That's where Frankie comes in.  I've been around the block a time or two baby, and I wanna offer you my services in this crazy, relentless world.

I'll be your agent, your bodyguard, your accountant, limo driver, songwriter, and album cover designer.  But most importantly, Britney, I'll be your lover.

  I will not merely whisper into your ears sweet words that will melt your heart and prove to you that you are the most precious creature I have ever laid my eyes upon. No, in addition to such various whisperings, I will provide you with all the love a real woman like yourself requires. I will pamper you. I will wine you and dine you. I will make your dreams come true and have you screaming "Hit me Frankie, One More Time.".

      I will sex you wild.

      First, I will take you to the finest in entertainment and shows. Together, we will enjoy the ballet, the opera and even WWF: Raw is War. I will dress in an expensive silk suit with my imported wooden-soled shoes from Italy and take you by the hand and lead you to our exclusive box seats at the concert. We will be surrounded by the majesty of the arts, including a theater that is very old and has seats that are upholstered with luxurious red velvet. It will be exquisite.

      I will then provide you with fine dining. Yes, I know people in Hotlanta. We will consume a meal at the finest four-star restaurant in the city. We will be served lobster, oysters, caviar and cheese. I will order this meal in French.  This will make you wet. We will be served fine wine, french bread and corn. It will be a meal for a king and queen, and you will feel Oh So Lucky..

      There will also be cloth napkins.

      Upon completion of the meal, I will take you on a walk through the park. The lights of the city will sparkle around us. The moon will be visible, as well. We will take a ride in a luxurious limousine that contains a TV, all at my expense. I will cash in on one of my many financial ventures to provide the $70 necessary for this romantic ride.

      Then, dearest Britney, it will then be time for me to give you my love. We will return to my lavish Smyrna apartment, and I will remove all your clothes, including your bra, your panties and your socks. I will take my time and not make a single mistake.

      I will then direct you to my bedroom, where I have a king-sized bed. I have satin sheets that have been imported from the most prestigious satin-producing country within the entire Orient. These sheets will be sparkling clean, as they will have been washed with only the finest laundry detergents and cleaning agents purchasable at the local grocery.

      I will then lavish kisses upon your body. Slow and passionate kisses that will seem to last forever and penetrate you deep within your skin. All the while, I will whisper various things. "Damn, you are fine," I will say. "Woman, I want you to ride me....or Come sit next to Frankie, and be his little fuck-toy."

      Then, I will stick it in you in the most romantic manner possible. And even though we will make love the whole night through, you will scream for more.

      Britney, let me repeat it for you--I got what you need. I promise.

      I hope you understand the seriousness of my offer to provide you with my services.

Your Discriminating Lover,

Kenneth "Frankie" Kaelin