KNOX, PA--Chuckie Kugler, a 28-year-old Knox native, has a different anecdote for every brand of alcohol.

  "Oh, man, Malibu. That takes me back," said Kugler, browsing the shelves of a liquor store while picking up a bottle of wine for Hoss's get together. "At Autumn Leaf one year, me and my buddy Petey got totally smashed on that stuff over in Uni-Mart's parking lot. I woke up on the floor of Petey's truck the next day with a fucking 'No Parking' sign on my chest. I must've ripped it down when I was drunk, but, I swear, I had zero recollection of doing it. And Petey had was already up and headed to the American Legion for church. "Stay away from that stuff, man."

 Kugler, who said his "hardcore drinking days are mostly behind [him]," remains a fount of wisdom on the inebriating powers, relative merits, and after-effects of such brands as Jameson's Irish whiskey, J&B scotch, and Jose Cuervo Gold tequila. "Drinking tequila is like playing with fire: It warms you up nice, but if you're not careful, you get burned," Kugler said. "One night back in high school, this guy Garret got so polluted on tequila shots that he thought he was Mr. Fantastic. He kept going on about how he could eat more canned dog food than anyone, blah-blah-blah. We had to pile on him to stop him from knocking shit down. Nardo was so sick the next day, he thought he was gonna die. Leave the Cuervo alone if you know what's good for you."

Continuing to browse the liquor store's shelves, Kugler noticed a bottle of Jägermeister, which inevitably reminded him of another tale.  "Oh, man, Jäger," said Kugler, shaking his head. "Horsethief Days in town is the beer blast of all time, and the guys and I were mixing Jägermeister with vodka for the crazy, mellow drunk it gives you. They say there's opium in it--or there used to be, at least--and deer's blood. But whatever's in it, for some reason, made me act like a lion tamer. All night, I'd walk up to girls with a chair and, like, do this circus act. Of course, I don't remember any of it. I had to be told about it later while nursing the king hell hangover of all time at the softball tournament. Just say no to that shit, my friend."

Not all of Kugler's stories function as cautionary tales. Noticing a bottle of Bombay Sapphire behind the store counter, he recalled a wonderful, long-ago
experience with the premium gin. "Back in '91, I was working at the Riverside in Knox. On my very last day there, just before quitting time, Kent Mays & the guys surprised me with this really expensive bottle of Bombay Sapphire," Kugler said. "We all went in the back of the store and finished off the whole thing. Man, it was like drinking diamonds. We nearly kicked this one guy's ass (Todd Sell) for trying to mix it with orange juice. It was too good for that. I'd almost say I liked it better than the Oban scotch my girlfriend gave me for my 21st birthday, but I don't know. Bombay is a breed apart, that's for sure."  Kugler went on to note that Bombay Sapphire and other "top-shelf stuff" would never cause a hangover unless the drinker were abusing it.

      "Hangovers, now, that's a whole other topic," Kugler said. "There's a bunch of stuff you shouldn't do, like mix booze and beer. Then there are all the different
cures, like spicy Mexican food and stuff. Actually, that reminds me of the time my buddy and I accidentally discovered the magic cold-calzone-and-Dr. Pepper cure
after spending all night drinking at the Carriage. Oh, man, that's a great story too."

Booze connoisseur Chuck Kugler, Knox native and Idiots-Rule reporter
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