UNIVERSITY PARK, PA--Researchers at the Penn State University released a surprising new study Monday indicating that, contrary to long-held beliefs about its destructive effects, collegiate binge drinking is a fucking blast.

      "Data collected at bars and fraternity parties on the PSU campus has yielded unexpected conclusions with regard to the practice of binge drinking," study head Nathan Peterson said. "Over the course of our research, a consistent pattern emerged demonstrating that binge drinking seriously kicks ass."

      "There was this one bar called The Rathskellar, where they serve beer in these humongous three-foot glasses that are like giant boots," Peterson continued. "You have to stand back and tilt the thing to drink it all. Our team conducted an experiment to see who could finish one off the fastest. Myself, Shawn Standish, and these eight 20-year-old test subjects lined up against a wall and started chugging away. After completing the test and subsequently throwing up all over the place, I could only conclude that downing huge-ass boot beers is really awesome."

      Added Peterson: "That was the best fucking study."

      The 250-page report comes as a surprise to the many medical researchers who had previously found binge drinking to have a host of negative effects. A 1996 Johns Hopkins University study concluded that binge drinking is a destructive scourge on college campuses that can lead to alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual assault and alcohol poisoning. But in the wake of the PSU study, the Johns Hopkins researchers and others have been forced to revise their conclusions.

      "It appears that our study would have benefited greatly from first-hand observations such as those conducted by the Peterson team," said Dr. Caroline Worsted of Johns Hopkins. "Our failure to go out and collect primary data at bars and off-campus house parties until all hours of the night skewed our findings, preventing us from accurately measuring just how much fun it is to get ripped."

      According to Peterson, much of the PSU team's research was conducted at a party at this one guy Zeb's place. "My colleagues and I were doing beer bongs, keg-stands, Jell-O shots, Jager shots--you name it," Peterson said. "We were totally binge drinking and just having a great fucking time. The best part was the crowd--the study was packed, and there was this amazing random sampling of hot chicks. I was so drunk, I couldn't figure out what the source of the unusually large hot-chick sample was, but by that point, I really didn't care."

      When the keg was tapped, Peterson and his team went looking for a place to gather more data. "We heard there was this awesome study on Church Street, but we didn't have the address, so we just went wandering around," Peterson said. "We eventually wound up walking into this complete other study where we didn't know anyone. Unfortunately, it turned out to be totally lame--most of the people there were in the non-drinking control group. We had fun for a little while busting on them, but
pretty soon we split."

      Among the PSU team's findings: A 10-ounce serving of Jack
Daniels can be consumed 30 percent faster when accompanied by shouts
of "Go! Go! Go! Go!"; the bathroom at Players is a popular place to throw up; and when Michael Yargar drinks five Long Island iced teas, he lies down in the street and starts singing the
chorus to Cat Steven's "Wild World"at the top of his lungs.

      "Mr. Yargar is what we scientists term a fucking booze monster,"
team member Dan Byers said. "This one time, we needed a
whole bunch of Wild Turkey and tonic water for a study that was just
getting going at midnight, so we sent him out to this store that's open until
2 a.m., and we're waiting for, like, hours until he finally comes back, and
he doesn't have any of the stuff, but he's carrying this big fucking
railroad-crossing sign, and he's all like, 'Guys, check out the sign I found.'
It was funny as shit. I swear, I was laughing so hard, I almost left a urine sample all over my pants."

      Byers, addressing reporters in front of a massive pyramid of empty laboratory beakers, called the study "a major success."

      "That was seriously the best study I've ever done," Byers said. "I don't know what those New England Journal Of Medicine people were talking about when they did that 1996 study in conjunction with the Department of Education that found binge drinking to be even more dangerous and destructive than previously believed. As far as I could tell, binge drinking rules."